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Dec 12 - 15:46:17
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Avard's takes the shit-story bullet for you Started by: AvardT on Aug 14, '19 02:23

Avard looked around for a soapbox, but there wasn't any in sight. He cursed to himself, Charlie__Pavanno had probably stolen them all again. Without any elevation for support, he decided to shout really loudly and just hope people heard him.

Being a gangster ain't what it used to be.

Once upon a time you could steal from a couple of old ladies, knock over a seemingly endless amount of art galleries and hold the cell door open to help some of your buddies sneak out of the local penitentiary for the third time that week and...BAM, you were on your boss' radar and threatening to make your bones. The last thing you needed to do to tip the scales a little further in your favour, was to grab everyone's favourite, generic, timber soapbox and have yourself a little chinwag about something interesting.

It was a great time to be alive, we all loved it.

But now? Not a chance.

Every time I leave my apartment I'm just so captivated by all of the amazing stories that are being shouted out from seemingly all of the rooftops, and I totally lose track of what I was doing. There are just so many. I can go to one corner and hear Charlie__Pavanno telling me about the time he told his Grandad that he was leaving Sicily and then I can go to the next corner and hear....Charlie__Pavanno again, telling about the time he told someone else he was leaving Sicily. Then my attention is positively plucked away by Mathius and his alcoholism, Baba_Yaga and his assaults, before Charlie__Pavanno is at it again; did you know he was leaving Sicily by the way?

Anyway, there's just so many great stories being bellowed out, I actually don't have time to get done all the things which I need to. I can't bloody stop listening to them all. My work is suffering and I haven't been promoted in what feels like years. I know I'm not alone; this is an epidemic. I look at my fellows and in particular, I am looking at Taradiddle_ here, who has been so wrapped up in his favourite yarn about the old lady who lived alone but got company real quick, he hasn't even been able to pay a visit to Joe Melizzano at the FBN to get permission to carry a decent amount of weight. He's stuck pushing less product than school kids down the park for God's sake! Where will this madness end?

I don't know the answer to that, but I've decided I need to do something about it. It is too late for me, I've peaked. I'm going to be a Made Man forever, probably. But, I can still save the rest of you.

"How?" I hear you ask.

"How, AvardT? Rescue us!" 

Well, I'm going to kindly condense all these stories for you into manageable bite-size chunks that you can digest whilst still putting a baseball bat through the window of your next collection. You can read my doubtlessly captivating and insightful thoughts on their thoughts, right here, in just this one place and not by having to take 2 buses and a brisk wall for each installment. You can get your promotions and still find time for a round of Mafia Golf, with your Capo to make the right impression.

What do I ask in return? Nothing much, just a solemn promise that you little scamps will be the best damn mobsters you can be whilst I take a Mafia-Story bullet for all of you.

Fair?

Fair.

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You've just had word that Jimmy "the horn" Halpino has been skimping on his protection money, which means a trip across town. You'll never make it, not with all the amazing storytellers out there. Then, inspiration hits, you'll just let Avard take the shit-story bullet for you and grab his latest piece. You spot it pinned to a nearby street light, together with a set of Chester Greenwood's finest earmuffs. You take both and get about your business:

The Clumsy Criminal  - Tony Dippolito

aka The Clumsy Assassin.

What's it about?

I lost a good portion of my day to this, trying to work out exactly what I was listening to. Eventually, and after blowing off all the work Eve needed done, I figured out it was a brief history lesson on the Philippines in 2019 whichever place he was talking about, how they got to this position and the poverty associated therewith.

To cut a rather long story short, Tony decided that the Mayor was a corrupt motherfucker, with terrible rape jokes and he needed to kill him. On his way out, he falls down, hence the title; The Clumsy Criminal or, if you heard him announce the first line, The Clumsy Assassin. Either/or, I guess.

What do you reckon happens next?

I'd put this one firmly in the "we'll never find out" category. I suspect there is no follow up planned. If there was, I suspect that Tony Dippolito would probably trip over on his way to the Mayor's office and then, unfortunately, get held down while the Mayor runs a train on him. Poor Tony.

What did you think of it?

I took a bullet for you guys. 

The Hit - Baba Yaga

What's it about?

Baba has a job to do, a target to kill and it just happens to be raining. Pathetic fallacy 101. He's got guns, but he's a hard ass and our hero is going to put a fucking beating on some cheeky bastards before he needs to use 'em. Turns out his target lured him in and Baba's fallen right into a trap. Don't worry though, even though the 4 of them jump him, he uses a pencil, pool cue and some good old fashioned Vegas limbs to beat the living piss out of them. They even stab him and he still fucks them up. Shit.

What do you reckon happens next?

I think Baba's done with this one. He's killed his man, taken a stabbing, dropped at least 10 hammer strikes and then even planned for a small rest. If he does come back though, everyone in sight is clearly fucked. This guy is a straight-up murderer and Drax is probably set in the muscle department for the next few years. 

What did you think of it?

Who doesn't want to hear about super Yaga mauling everyone?

 

You tuck Avard's notes under your arm as you reach Jimmy's unmolested.

You smile to yourself and think about what you're going to do to make him pay. On the bright side, at least it was you and not Baba_Yaga going.

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This is gold.

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Brilliant work my friend. If I had money I would tip you everything I have!
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Kudos! I enjoy this and would love to see it continued!
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"You know, I haven't been as prolific in the streets as some ancestors of mine. Thankfully you've got one less distraction from all that work you hope to be doing.  However, I'm not going to lie, it's kinda brilliant to read and give reviews of the stories people are sharing from their lives.  Incredible idea."  Harlow leaves a tip for AvardT.

"Granted, I'm sure people's mileage will vary when it comes to these stories and not everyone will agree with your opinions, but that's the point of a good review, isn't it?  You sure YOUR thoughts and if someone doesn't agree, well, they're welcome to share their own or hell maybe it opens up a discussion?  Anyway, thanks for bringing something unique to the streets."  

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Knowing that his sacrifice was being well received had meant that Avard had taken more bullets for everyone. As you stumble out of the HQ bar, you're immediately accosted by . As he starts to talk, you notice a delightfully placed flyer in the familiar hand of AvardT and make a dive for it. Like garlic to a vampire, Vinny hisses and retreats, knowing you're now fully immersed in your tasks:

La Nostra Famiglia Vive

What's it about?

I kind of accepted this would be somewhat difficult to follow as it is the 5th or 6th installment and I've only paid a casual interest to the others. Still, I thought I would dive in and find out what in the fuck Charlie talks to himself about all day and after doing so, honestly? I'm still not totally sure. From what I could deduce we have the main protagonist trying to recover his mafia empire and also recover his daughter from his enemies, who have kidnapped her. And they are also his nieces. And his son is really annoyed with him and they have a scuffle.

They reconcile a little and it transpires (I don't know if this was clear from prior entries) that his son's mother was killed and son blames pop for abandoning them. Or maybe not and she isn't dead?

Anyway, they plot their revenge upon those who have stolen the daughter and pull off a heist concurrently. If it was explained why they did this, it was lost on me. The Omertas tip Charlie off that his nieces are planning to off him but Charlie doubts the altruism of the warning.

We are left with a glimpse behind the curtain at the twins calling each other dear sister and plenty of foreboding.

What do you reckon happens next?

I think Charlie and his son attempt to rescue the daughter before the other shoe drops and things go further awry with The Omertas. Although, I should point out that there was mention of a portal, being dead and people coming back to life, which seemed to come right from left fucking field, so who in the hell knows where it is going? 

What did you think of it?

It was a bit like going for a walk in the countryside. Then it starts to rain and the trail becomes muddy. Then you lose one of your wellies. Then a rabid dog charges you from the undergrowth and gnaws part of your foot off. You crawl on, determined to finish your walk, but in the end you die from blood loss and/or dog related diseases.

I struggled to follow where it was going. I kind of understand Charlie, but the other characters are a bit of a mystery, ranging from enigmatically vague to stereotypes. Then there's the bit about the portal and the being dead/not dead? I dunno. Maybe I should have started at story 1, rather than story 6, like a fucking idiot. With that said, a commendable overreaching story line to carry this tale through so many different guises and locations and I spent a long fucking time listening to you, so it has that going for it.

Getting the contract

What's it about?

Vinny's making bank from his hookers. He buys himself a couple of garbage trucks from the take. He needs somewhere to store his garbage trucks so he buys a warehouse. It is dirty so he cleans it. There is water out the back, which pleases him.

What do you reckon happens next?

I think Vinny is going to beat off on the water and congratulate himself on a cleaning job, well done.  

It remains to be seen what part the garbage trucks play. Maybe he rides in this for a bit as foreplay. 

What did you think of it?

It is still in it's infancy so it is pretty hard to have much of an opinion on it so far. I'm hoping my predictions of a masturbatory future for Vinny are misplaced.

 

Before you know it you're in the parking lot, getting ready to pick up the boss and a quick glance at your watch tells you that you're ahead of schedule. You've traversed all of story-time square without even having to listen to a word of it.

Good job, You. You're killing it. 

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The preceding 4 days had been terrible. You had missed the hit on Sammy Sixpence because your car was surrounded by storytellers and your boss was fucking pissed. As a result you had been relegated to hitlist watcher and the hours and hours of trying to drum up information about who might be whacked next was killing you. You make a promise to yourself that if you ever get a chance to avoid the twilight talkers in the future, you'll take it.

The phone rings, breaking the midnight silence. It is the boss and he is giving you one last chance and you know you can't fuck it up. You hang up, grab your coat and head out into the night. Almost immediately you're accosted by mobsters inflicting their tales on you and your heart sinks; this is the end. 

Something catches your eye, glinting under the amber glow of the streetlight. It is a pair of earmuffs with a tatty flier underneath but right then, it looks like redemption and you snatch them up, gobbling up the distracting words faster than a hooker on a thousand dollar dick. 

 

Puppy

What's it about?

Beta male, CamdynDevan, desperately buys woman a puppy to try to keep her interested in him. Strong overtures that this is failing and even the tramp-stamp tattoo of her face on his lower back has not helped either. Clutching at straws, he has gone hard in the paint to save the relationship and entered the last refuge for the love-struck dummy and bought her a puppy.

He spends the afternoon trying to pick one, but struggles lamely without a dominant party to tell him what to do. Implied this is a common theme for Camdyn. He eventually gets one, probably chosen by the staff to make him leave, and takes it for a walk like a good little bitch does. Dog fouls on sidewalk. He laughs, delighted at the opportunity to clean up a dump, before promptly taking out his little poo bag, scooping it up and popping it in the bin. Even the puppy is above him in the household pecking order.

What do you reckon happens next?

Beta Camdyn will take the puppy home, thinking this will save his ailing relationship in true submissive fashion. Instead, he will discover his partner in bed with another man. It could be any man in the world as they would all be an improvement for her on what she has at the moment, so I'm not sure who it will be. Maybe JonnyHardNuts.

After endless tears, Camdyn accepts that he just can't stand to be alone. He pathetically begs to be kept around and even the puppy is embarrassed for him. After much coercion, piteous whining and threats of self-harm, Kassandra eventually relents. The story closes with Camdyn, at full mast, bending over the bed with a sheepish grin on his tear stained face. She approaches behind him, rubber dong protruding menacingly in front of her, each understanding and accepting their role as reluctant top and power bottom.

The puppy watches the pegging unfold, yipping contentedly. Neither he nor Camdyn have ever been happier.

What did you think of it?

0 replies and 5 listeners before I got involved tells you all you need to know. My stomaching this crapfest was the very definition of taking a shit-story bullet. I hope you're all grateful.

Be the Hope for Today

What's it about?

Woman falls asleep, sees lots of people with striking hair and....a talking ferret. Woman wakes up. 

What do you reckon happens next?

Woman probably goes to bed that night and wakes up again the following morning with further inspiration.

What did you think of it?

I guess I had to use my oneiromancy for this one, but the lesson here appears to be 'understand the past and live for today'. If you want things to improve, you're going to have to improve them yourself. So that's that. 

A Day in the Life of an Alley Cat

What's it about?

Thomas O'Malley thinks he's a cat and has little cat adventures and does little cat things. No, really. 

What do you reckon happens next?

Thomas takes some more drugs and thinks he's a elephant. Or a table. Or a wizard, who knows?

What did you think of it?

Once you accept that the man was clearly on hallucinogenic drugs and probably spent the afternoon drooling in a pool of his own piss, this is an enjoyable little yarn. Cats are basically flirty bastards, just don't presume that you can tame them and make them pets or you'll get scratched.

You could do worse things than listen to this. 

 

 

You set the papers down and pull off the earmuffs, just in time to see Sammy step out of the speakeasy. You allow yourself a smile; time to take out the trash and work your way back into the boss' esteem.

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As always you come up with crazy but funny things, keep up the good work, many glad people over those events ;)

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The shipment was due to hit the dock today and it would be your ass if anything happened to it. You look at your watch, still plenty of time to pick up the rest of the muscle and make sure you're all in place to unload the product. You grab your coat, slip your arms inside and place one hand on the doorknob when a faint warble catches your ear. Did you imagine it? It was 3:30am, surely nobody could be out at this hour, it must have been in your head. You turn the knob and step outside...

...which is just what AlessandraKorkunova had been waiting for. Her and Raine primed to drop 3-4 lines each on you the second you leave the front door. Fortunately, you friendly neighborhood Avard-T was on hand, dropping a pair of 'muffs and a scribbled account of recent yarns straight into your lap. It is entitled "The Credit Lottery Exploitation Edition".

The Credit Lottery Exploitation Edition

Take Your Aim

What's it about?

AlessandraKorkunova is in a bar called Love Zoo. Raine is there obviously trying to meet chicks. He meets one, who has her normally shoulder length light brown hair pulled up in a bun. Her skin is extremely fair. I can't help but notice this as I am watching from afar. It also seems like Alessandra is third-wheeling but she rolls with it; Raine continues to use terrible game on wildr0se, although she seems smitten with his one liners and clumsy penis metaphors, giving him the green light.

What had all the makings of a vomit inducing love story quickly took a sinister turn when a robber, an armed robber no less, turns up and demands everyone's valuables. Being the coward I am, I immediate give mine up without a fight, but Raine and his chica slip out whilst Alessandra veers between a scared little lady and a strong female warrior. Raine reappears and together they scare off the would-be thief, who quickly retreats after delivering a swift punch to our resident bullet fodder. 

Alessandra resumes third-wheeling and offers the romantic interest a ride home.

What do you reckon happens next?

They will all probably earn quite a few credits for dragging an evening drink at a local bar, which isn't even in the business district despite that area being littered with hundreds of bars, into the streets and over 45 contributions. Good job, hope you win.

What did you think of it?

Despite it being in completely the wrong place and cringing at Raine's chat up lines, I enjoyed my drink at Love Zoo, even if I did get punched in the face.

Peaceful Times and Big Surprises

What's it about?

Savannah reckons she's a vampire and she is pregnant. My wife went a little nutty when she was pregnant, never quite went as far as thinking she was a vampire, mind, but I guess it affects everyone differently. Anyway, after defying Gregori's instruction to rest (I don't know who that is), she cleans the windows to the nursery and builds the cribs. 

A few days later and the babies have been born. The end.

What do you reckon happens next?

I think it turns out that Savannah isn't actually a vampire and this was all make believe in her head. Social services get involved, clearly concerned for the welfare of the new babies, especially in a household with dirty windows and at least two other siblings involved. Income references are going to be really problematic to provide with Savannah having been both bedridden for 8 months and also in the mafia. Vader is no better, he seems to think he has magical powers, which are not high on Social Services list of desirable criteria for parents. They prefer income, steady job and stable lifestyle.

After the children are inevitably taken away from her, the relationship with Vader breaks down. She's determine to sober up and win her kids back. This becomes a plucky little-engine-that-could tale as Savannah Brokovich sticks it the man.

Our tale ends with Vader, now drinking his livelihood away at Love Zoo, wondering where it all went wrong.

What did you think of it?

I deserve any credit earned in the lottery for stomaching this shite.

 

You stuff the papers into your jacket as your reach the dock. You stand to make a tidy profit from this job; ensure the bosses get their cut and they might even open the books for you. All thanks to Avard bloody T. 

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There was some interesting stuff going on and Taradiddle_ was looking at where the sound came from. He wasn't far from the source, he heard that.. But looking in a 15 degree angle over the crowd, he was pretty sure that he should see the man that sounded like AvardT..

Yet, AvardT was hardly smaller than Taradiddle_, he knew from that night, when the whole crew measured all types of body(part) sizes in Eve's Headquarters, instead of brainstorming for a decent crew name, which had been the initial agenda for the meeting. He smiled as he remembered he pledged Aomame not to publicly out anything on that ever again. So he wouldn't.. Not that it would be needed anyhow, as this was more about AvardT's length than any other measurement..

As Taradiddle_ created himself a way through the crows, he saw him, and he also heared AvardT explain how Charlie__Pavanno had confiscated all the country's soapboxes to talk about his family in Sicily.
It made sense how Avard brought this and it made Tara smile.

Well.. Until he started talking about Taradiddle_ himself
Finally..

Tears were welling up in his eyes and he had trouble holding composure
Finally someone understood the burden he was carrying..
For a moment, he wanted to step forward and hug AvardT, but he knew the man was on a mission. A glorious mission. A mission that one of Tara's forefathers once attempted by placing trashcans on the streets, a mission that never succeeded. He wouldn't want to disturb this glorious mind and decided to cuddle Marlowe instead.

Sorry.. He apologized, after getting a weird looks from bystanders and especially after Wayne looking jealous.

He wept the tears from his eyes. Hypothetically this self-sacrifice could give Taradiddle_ the freedom to be useful to Eve. Or he could go back to the mafia-golf course and do another round there..
..so many options..

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