I've been contemplating starting a review column dedicated to some of our underworld's small businesses and the mobsters behind them for some time now.  I had wanted to do something of the sort even weeks ago, but I was taking in so much unwarranted hate at the time for some of my works that I was discouraged from contributing anything quite frankly.  The thought of reaching out to CoconutRandy and asking if he could wedge my review column in between whatever tabloid fodder he was passing off as news had crossed my mind, but after watching the company shift ownership haphazardly back and forth between he and SeanCallan, I've been steadily losing faith in the direction they are going in ever since.  It certainly wasn't anything I wanted to involve myself in, conflict of interest and such with SeanCallan sitting at the head of my city's table and such. 

But then when I gave it some thought, to even consider submitting to The Coconut Chronicle at all is short-sighted and does not promote the entrepreneurial spirit I try to encourage with my overall demeanor and such.  Sure I could benefit from all the eyes his paper attracts, his built-in subscriber base, but in the end who reaps the rewards?  The fruit and sweat of my loins? Not Destro, that's for sure.  No, I think I'll start my own venture thank you very much.  But this is media-jargon that none of you are going to be able to understand anyway so I'd prefer not stray too far from the focus of this review.

(Disclaimer: no disrespect to CoconutRandy or SeanCallan, so everybody get any ideas of the such out of your head and go start trouble somewhere else.)

So anyway this is my honest opinion and fact-backed review of Billy_Mastrosimone's Investment Firm.

(Disclaimer: this review is based solely on one of the three options offered by Billy_Mastrosimone, the Long Term.) 

ATTENTION! THIS REVIEW IS FOR THE LONG-TERM PLAN ONLY! DO NOT MAIL ME ASKING ABOUT THE SHORT TERM OR MUTUAL FUNDS. I HAVE NO INFORMATION ABOUT THOSE FUNDS.

I will now provide the exact documentation exchanged between myself and Billy_Mastrosimone in regards to our loan.  Disclaimer I will be editing ONLY the dollar amounts out of the documents for the sake of my own privacy.

On October 29th my accountant wired an undisclosed dollar amount to Billy_Mastrosimone, hoping for the best.  (Billy_Mastrosimone was unaware I would be reviewing his business.  I didn't want him to know.  I wanted to observe him deal with me as he would any run of the mill schlep he dealt with on a daily basis).  I received no receipt of my transaction from his company's end.  I had to rely on my own accountant's record of the transaction.  This cast a shadow of doubt over the customer service aspect of this business.  But I took it in stride to see what would transpire next and found myself in what is known as a state of waiting.  But in fairness, this is what I had agreed to.  Some time had passed and I began to grow impatient.  Not even a tickle call from my broker to put my troubled mind at ease.  I had even gone as far as to start drafting a hatchet piece on the Billy_Mastrosimone ring, making my article more of an expose than an unbiased review. The type of fluff piece you'd expect to see from a CoconutRandy publication.

But I never got around to writing it and fell asleep. When I woke up, my accountant had sent me this.

It was double my initial investment.  Frown immediately turned upside down. Expectations exceeded.  Any points I would have deducted from the experience due to poor customer service were immediately dismissed and forgotten about. 

Now as everyone knows, Destro hardly ever gives a business a perfect score, but in the case of Billy_Mastrosimone's Long Term investment plan, I have to make an exception.

Rating: 5 Stars out of 5 *****

Disclaimer: This rating applies ONLY to the Long Term plan.  This is not a reflection of any other plans.  Also please keep in mind that this review, as all reviews, is also slightly based on opinion, so if yours differs from mine, let's discuss rather than argue.

Please comment below with your thoughts.

A truly excellent piece, Destro, the kind of work I would expect to see out of one of my interns (of which I am now hiring, anyone listening may look at my advertisement if interested in giving up their career of casual eavesdropping).

I must say, however, that I know how it goes. One day you are writing reviews on interest rates, the next you are waist-deep in the kind of fame and ceaseless wanting that comes with the life of being a public media figure. If this is indeed the harbinger of full-blown serialhood for you, I have only this to say: it is The Coconut Chronicle that single-handedly saved the entire paperboy's union from devastating waves of fatal malnutrition, who lifted thousands of unemployed children out of senseless poverty and public school to be put hard at work on the factory floor, carefully hand-printing each letter of each copy of each new edition of the newspaper that saved their lives, day after day, week after week, year after unending year. In fact, the 'paperboys' union has become somewhat of a misnomer in the Coconut Chronicle era, as I have found many uses for the spindly pre-teens whom receive my charity. My in-house butler, for example, is 11 years old and has learned to cook an eggs benedict like you wouldn't believe. My attack-children wait patiently on the outskirts of my property at all hours in case of intruders. Paperboys, Destro, are a resourceful breed. My point is, any attempt to appropriate our labour will be met with extreme aggression. These children are malnourished, so you will be able to punch and kick them away quite easily, but you will tire as the waves continue, until you eventually succumb to their tiny wrath. 

Again, excellent piece, I look forward to seeing more of your opinions on the businesses of the nation.