Behind a large wooden desk kong sits with a pen in his hand, deep in his own thoughts. Next to a small golden statue on the desk you recognise as a replica of the statue of Berderus, the great statue that was once known to soar above the Chicago skyline, a sign saying “Eugene ‘kong’ Fagotti, attorney at law” sits.

Over in the corner Schaudt is sitting in silence. He is clearly not the brains of this operation but he knows better than to disturb his boss when he is handling important business. He looks over at kong as he sights and speaks.

Man… This slippery little goblin is trying to screw over one of our customers again. Can you believe it Schaudt? This wise guy from Detroit is swimming in cash but still he refuses to pay this lowly intern or whatever he is what he is owed. What a despicable guy.

Schaudt nods in approval, having heard some stories about Destro and his behavior disgusts him. He is about to chime in but he sees his boss have started writing and pipes down like a good boy.

Dear Destro

I am contacting you on behalf of my client Salvatore Grinbini. There seems to be a little issue about an outstanding debt that he is owed by you. I sincerely hope that we can come to a mutual understanding understanding about this issue without having to involve anyone else in the matter.

I know how badly our mutual acquaintances in the old country would react if they knew of your unwillingness to settle your debts. LudariusCane and his extended family would be devastated, especially his mom.

I hope to see the owed amount in my bank account within 3 to 5 business days so we can all but this unfortunate business behind us.

Sincerely 

Eugene ‘kong’ Fagotti, attorney at law

 

Kong folds up the letter and hands it to his associate. Schaudt trips in his own feet, but manages to not fall over as he runs out of the office to deliver the letter as quickly as he can.

Destro pens his own letter and sends it back to the broom closet kong refers to as his law office.

Dear sir,

I believe I was sent a memorandum from your practice regarding an unpaid debt in error.  Your client has mistakenly taken a gesture of goodwill I made towards him after he was crowned the winner of a defunct writing contest and has twisted it around.  If I can give you a brief timeline of events, perhaps that will clear up any misunderstandings.

VIPCreditsGrin entered a story competition that was advertising an $18,000,000 cash prize.  For reasons I can only assume were very valid ones, the contest was cancelled abruptly, causing a lot of people to react poorly and demonstrate odd behavior such as pulling soggy cigarette butts from puddles and putting them in their mouths.  Being that I was the only person to receive payment from the contest's host, I thought I would kindly offer up a piece of my own contest winnings.  Unfortunately it took an unreasonable amount of time for one of the judges to submit a simple vote and I was forced to dip into my earnings in the interim, thus resulting in your client only receiving a portion of what I had intended to give him.

I continue to shuffle my finances around and will send the remainder of the money to your client as soon as I am able.  Please not that he has already received most of the sum.  However make no mistake, I had nothing to do with this contest and if your client is seeking legal recourse then I would suggest contacting the contest organizers, the men behind the scenes CommissarZverev and NotoriousBIG.  

Thank you for your time.

Villianously,

Destro

Phillip pulls his jacket right against the wind as he slides the note beneath the door.

”Gentlemen, this is growing ridiculous. It has become a joke in our cities. I am willing to put up the rest of whatever is owed from my own pocket just to stop this madness. Let me know if this works for all of you. I no longer have the patience to listen to any more of this whining. Find me when you need me.

Sincerely,

Phillip Marleau”

Phillip tucked his hands into his pockets as he moved away from the offices.

A note from the desk of Coconut Randy:

Dear PhillipMarleau,

It has come to my attention that you have offered to settle a dispute over a cash prize owed to my intern, VIPCreditsGrin. As the plaintiff's employer, I would like to make it clear that I am owed my own cut of the sum in question. My lawyer, Coconut Randy Esq - SVP Coconut Corporate Legal and Compliance, can provide financial details if necessary. Please include a note with your imminent bank transfer indicating the precise reason for the transfer, otherwise my accountant will treat it as a charitable contribution to Coconut Corp, it will be lost in the system and I will be forced to press once more for what is owed to me. Thank you.

Sincerely,

C. Randy

However make no mistake, I had nothing to do with this contest and if your client is seeking legal recourse then I would suggest contacting the contest organizers, the men behind the scenes CommissarZverev and NotoriousBIG.  

I have only served as a judge for this competition, I have not organized or decided anything on how this competition should be run or what the rules are. After the competition was up and running again, I stated publicly that my wish was to continue with the original rules that CommissarZverev had set up. I was asked to decide the competition by myself, I clearly told the Commissar that my wish was to let all the CL`s in this thing of ours to submit their vote as he posted on the competition card. 

Schaudt hastily runs up the stairs, to the large well furnished office of Las Vegas's most prestigious lawyer with two letters. Kong quickly reads through them and tosses the letter from Destro aside for later and adresses Schaudt.

The little cretin is attempting to weasel himself out of the debt as usual. I think I have to send word to the old country. Get Ludarius and the cousins over here to deal with this personally. But this letter from the good man from Chicago is interesting. Good PhillipMarleau might actually be the solution to our problem.

The lawyer hastily scribbles a note and hands it to his errand boy.

Dear sir and/or madam

I was very happy to receive your kindly worded letter and your most generous offer to sort out this little kerfuffle we have on our hands. I most certainly agree that Destro unwillingness to pay his dept is at this point becoming a joke and applaud your willingness to help solve the matter.

My my calculation the debt owed to mr VIPCreditsGrin is $17,000 000. Please wire this amount pluss the most deserved 20% cut mr CoconutRandy is rightfully due to my account within 3 to 5 business days and I will make sure both of them will get the money they are owed, after my cut of course.

It is my wish that we can finally put this rather unfortunate business behind us.

Sincerely 

Eugene ‘kong’ Fagotti, attorney at law

Notorious wonder back to deliver his final sentence he forgot to mention

"Just when I thought I was out they pull me back in."

Destro pulls another sheet of paper from his desk, a desk far superior to the little kids desk kong sits at in his "office" and drafts a letter to NotoriousBIG.  He too slides the letter under the law firm's door, with a forwarding address to NotoriousBIG's mansion in Philadelphia of course.

Don NotoriousBIG,

Be that as it may, you had more involvement than I did in the contest.  Any issues or gray areas in regards to your role are none of my business, so please pardon my letter to the attorney if I am speaking out of turn here.  I don't find amusement in receiving letters from lawyers being blamed for events that I had nothing to do with, and it would seem that others are not amused either.  Even PhillipMarleau The Writer is growing so impatient and anxious by all of this he has resorted to nervously stuffing his hands in his pockets, the sign of a weak man with no confidence at all.  Hopefully this can be resolved before anyone else is adversely affected or triggered by this.

Evilly yours,

Destro

This whole thing is ridiculous. I've never even heard of any Mr 'kong' Fagotti's and I certainly would never employ outside counsel without the prior consent of Editor-in-chief CoconutRandy or, at the very least without the authority of, Coconut Randy Esq - SVP at Coconut Corporate Legal and Compliance. I'm an intern. I can't afford my own legal advice - especially not seen I have been stiffed on this contest by pretty much everyone involved. 

Destro, as ever, it is with great displeasure I note your entanglement with this. Did you run out of baby seals to club? I appreciate it was generous of you to donate some of your hard earned winnings to cover the bad debt of CommissarZverev. But just what exactly are you still doing here sniffing around? 

I further note that I've been sent $100,000, unsolicited, by a PhillipMarleau. What is this? A payoff? Do you work for CommissarZverev? Are you trying to throw me off the scent? Well let me tell you, Marleau, I can't be bought. I took an intern's oath when I joined the team at The Coconut Chronicle and this certainly isn't anywhere near enough to make me forget about this mess.

Now, Mr Fagotti, I may need representation against Mr Marleau and his deceitful attempt at bribery. Assuming CoconutRandy gets approval for outside counsel, could you give me a schedule of your rates to act in such a matter?

Poor VIPCreditsGrin, he must have hit his head on the typewriter again. He is not an easy client I can tell you that mr Schaudt.

Kong shakes his head as he adresses his assistant in his gigantic office, so large he actually have to shout for Schaudt to hear him. Representing a plaintiff this mentally hampered is certainly not as easy as his old job protecting MariaReynolds from underaged poolboys. But still, the big payday was motivation enough so he put pen to paper again, this time to take it to the top.

Dear NotoriousBIG

As you are probably aware I represent VIPCreditsGrin in a rather unfortunate incident of him being swindled out of a rather large sum of money in a competition.

I have it on good authority that you are alongside our mutual friend CommissarZverev in fact the organizer of said event. Therefor I write you in hope that you will make this right and pay my client what he is rightfully due. 

Im looking forward to receiving the $17,900 000 my client is owed in my account within 3 to 5 business days. It is my understanding that my clients employee who is also owed compensation have refused outside counsel so you will sadly have to deal with that claim separately. They can be reached at Coconut Randy Esq - SVP Coconut Corporate Legal and Compliance.

Should you require any assistance in handling their claim my services are of course available. Please contact my assistant Schaudt if you need my help in the matter.

Respectfully 

Eugene ‘kong’ Fagotti, attorney at law

Neil didn't have an office of his own, instead he worked out of the back of a 1923 Lanchester 21 with a 2930 cc six-cylinder overhead-cam water-cooled engine. This quirk resulted in 2 notable facts, one, that he was often able to attend to his clients needs rather quickly, and two, that he had garnered the nickname of the Lanchester Lawyer, a name that would be reworked over 5 decades later by the novelist Michael Connolly for his Character Mickey Haller. Whilst this information is of now relevance to the current actions, it most certainly helkped move along the narrative. 

Neil had just finished consulting with his latest client, well his Firms latest Client, his firm being FuqHym Legal services, a subdivision of FuqYu Finances, and his client being none other than Don NotoriousBIG. He quickly read over the hastily scrawled letter he had written, before signing it with a flourish. 

Dear Destro,

Pursuant to section 3.14 chapter 15 subsection 92 of the unified legal framework of the Continental United States, 1907, I hereby notify you of my intention to pursue you through the courts on behalf of my client, Mssr NotoriousBIG, Esq. It has been noticed that you, or persons employed by you, on the date of 11th November 1933, did wilfully and negligently defame or impugn the good character of said client by alleging that he was involved in the creation, manufacture or delivery of a writing competition on or between the dates of 1st November and 9th of November 1933, when it was known by you that no such occurrence had occurred. It is furthermore alleged that you, having been employed on retainer for the sum of $500,000 by one CommissarZverev were in fact a defacto  accomplice and did indeed know this allegation to be completely and wholly untrue, and did wilfully attempt to deflect your involvement in said debacle onto my client in an attempt to cover up your own involvement and in doing so shirk your financial responsibilities made verbally to one VIPCreditsGrin. 

Pursuant to Section 164.35 of the State, County and city of New York's Code of Justice, I hereby serve you notice of the intention to sue you for the sum of $18,000,000 for loss of reputation and financial recompense due to business dealings that have fallen through as a result of your defamation, plus court costs. It cannot be stressed enough the great financial and emotional distress this has placed on my client, and I therefore issue a Cease and desist order on behalf of my client, banning you from any and all further scurrilous allegations, derogatory statements or downright lies. Henceforth my client, a respected man of Honour in his fiend of business would like it known to all parties of disgust at the baseless allegations made by you, a simple, lowly street thug, against him, an upright, upstanding man of Honour, until such times as this has been resolved in a court of law.

Regards

Neail Anblomi Esq.,

Attorney at Law

One letter having been sent already, Neil turned to his final task (doubtful) of the day, and finished writing a letter to Eugene 'Kong' Fagotti, also an Attorney at law. Neil wondered if Kong had bought earned his degree from the same correspondence college he had, based in Organ Cave in West Virginia (yes its a real place, look it up if you don't believe me). Thankfully he had a boy to hand deliver these letters, but it still wouldn't stop him billing NotoriousBIG for the stamps.

 

Dear Sir, 

I refer to your letter to my client, Mssr NotoriousBIG, Esq, dated 11th November 1933, and would like to wholly and completely refute the claims made on behalf of your client VIPCreditsGrin. At no time has my client ever been friends with or business partners with one CommissarZverev. The sum total of his involvement in this debased enterprise was that of Guest VIP Judge, and he will be wholly refuting these claims in a court of law. I hereby instruct to desist and refrain from all direct correspondence with my client and ask you to conduct all future business dealing with myself, his chosen counsel. I also wish to refute that he has in anyway agreed to pay me with food stamps and soup kitchen rations and has indeed paid me cash money for my services.

Please accept this missive as notice that my client will not be paying anything to anyone in lieu of compensation for anything, unless that young lady he met in the toilets at The Whitman Continental Hotel in Chicago comes forward.

Kind Regards,

 

Neil Anblomi Esq.,

Attorney at Law

Destro shakes his head as he reads yet another letter from yet another lawyer threatening legal action over an incident he is well documented for having nothing to do with.  He pulls an evil quill from his inkwell and begins drafting a second letter to the law offices of Eugene "kong" Fagotti.

Dear kong and Partners,

I hope this letter finds you well, and hope that my request does not pose as a conflict of interest for your firm.  I have recently been served a libel claim in the mail from one of your lawyer peers representing NotoriousBIG out of Philly.  I am seeking representation in my defense, as the claims levied against me in the suit are without merit.  I would greatly appreciate your consideration in acting as my legal council.  Perhaps you could draft up some legal mumbo-jumbo and threaten a counter-suit?  The proceeds from our winnings could go towards your other client that you are currently recouping earnings for.  I feel that this will ultimately be a slam-dunk case for us, as the attorney representing the plaintiff was recently seen engaging in an activity that is so unbelievable that if I told you, you'd sue ME for libel.  Let's just say it involves a cigarette butt, a puddle, and a mouth and leave it at that.  With this class of lawyer representing him the case should be a cake walk for any lawyer worth their salt.  I feel you are that lawyer.

I look forward to meeting with you and your partners to discuss a courtroom strategy, possibly making some money and maybe even landing the plaintiff and his lawyer the electric chair?  How that would go down is more your department than mine so I'll leave you to your business.

Thank you in advance,

Destro

Schaudt is red faced and panting heavily from running around with the flurry noted all day. Kong hands him a tenner and sends him on his way.

Here young man, have this and treat yourself to something nice. But be back soon, Im going to need all the help I can get now that some cases seems to be moving to court. 

He light a cigar, completely dry as it had not recently been in a puddle on the streets, and sights as he reads trough all of the letters, what a mess this have created, if only the respected earner of Chicago PhillipMarleau would come through with his promise to solve this financially once and for all. He starts scribeling a letter on behalf of his new and for now most valued client.

To: Neil_Anblomi, "attorney" for NotoriousBIG

Dear sir and/or madam

I write you on behalf of my new client Destro. I write this letter in respons to your letter addressed to my client and your letter addressed to this prestigious law firm. I want to reply to your frankly ridiculous claims in both letters.

I have several credible witnesses willing to testify in court that they have seen your client NotoriousBIG in the act of judging the competition where this claim originate. As co-orginaser he is clearly obliged to pay the prize promised by his close friend and associate CommissarZverev.

That being said, if you require legal assistance in an eventuel claim against CommissarZverev for repayment of said money I will of course be available for hire as council. For here at Fagotti and associated conflict of interest is just tre words you can find in a dictionary.

As for the lady from the bathroom in The Whitman Continental I must again apologise deeply, my assistant Schaudt can get a little carried away when he is tasked with undercover work. Be assured that he is STD free and generally quite clean.

Respectfully 

Eugene ‘kong’ Fagotti, attorney at law

How did all these people get law degrees? Coconut University had proved to be one of Coconut Randy's more ill-advised private business ventures. Coconut Randy Esq, SVP Legal and Compliance at Coconut Corp, sighed extremely loudly. 

Dear Eugene 'kong' Fagotti,

If it is true that Neil_Anblomi, on behalf of his client Mr. NotoriousBIG, has formally stated his intent to sue Destro for prize-money legally entitled to VIPCreditsGrin, an employee serving in the News Division of Coconut Corp, we must insist that you beseech him to re-evaluate his position at once. Under the advisement of our team, it is our position that full remuneration for the winning story be sought from his client, Mr. NotoriousBIG - PhillipMarleau and his contribution to the total notwithstanding - and that you push forward with your claim undeterred. The total sum of $17,900,000 be wired to our employee VIPCreditsGrin at the earliest viable opportunity, with an acceptable percentange diverting to Coconut Randy, Editor-In-Chief of The Coconut Chronicle, who maintains a significant interest in finding a swift and amicable resolution to this unfortunate debacle. 

I sincerely hope we do not have to press on with this matter in less agreeable ways. 

Courteously,

Coconut Randy Esq
Senior Vice President, Legal and Compliance
Coconut Corp

Neil almost snorted his cheap coffee all over the letter he received from Kong on behalf of the weasel known as Destro. It was hardly surprising now that the net was closing, that he would panic and attempt to disassociate himself from the quagmire of rambunctious shit he had created for himself over the last 72 hours. Searching for a piece of paper, he flipped over Kongs letter and wrote an immediate response, telling Schaudt to remain here in order to take the return mail directly to Kong, because that is what his letter instructed. Ka-ching, he was now 9 cents up from when he started this morning, and NotoriousBIG had assured him that the soup kitchen vouchers would be with him presently.

Dear Mrs Fagotti,

I believe that your client may have flat out lied to you in retaining your services, and he has no doubt failed to garner you with payment, instead insinuating a no win no fee arrangement whereby you would become fabulously rich when he somehow manages to counter sue my client in court. Rest assured as Destro is a man without honour, you will be left with nothing more than egg on your face.

I believe I already told you that my client accepts that he was chosen as a guest Judge in said competition, and in fact can supply several letters from the organiser as well as public notifications that will categorically prove that whilst my client was involved in the competition, it was an after the fact arrangement that absolves him of all culpability in the organisation of said competition. How can one organise something that already exists after the fact? I also have in my possession a notarised receipt that clearly marks your client as having been involved in said competion from the start, and I enclose a facsimile copy for your perusal. 
 

Your accountant makes note that $500,000 has been wired to Destro from your account. The note "Final payment of $18M competition" was included

I am also in possession of several public notices that clearly show that if anyone is a close personal friend of @CommissarZebrev then it is indeed Destro. I am also in possession of a public declaration by one VIPCreditsGrin that clearly shows that you do not and have not been hired as his Attorney, so I advise you to think long and hard about your future actions least i have to report you to the Bar society for fraud and misrepresentation.

 

Kind Regards,

 

Neil Anblomi Esq.,

Attorney at Law

 Neil sighs to himself, perhaps the Payday loan business would have been easier than progressing into law. One day in, and already he had completed more work for FuqHym Legal services than he had over 5 days for his legitimate boss. Thank fully his spy at Kong's broom closet was starting to pay dividends, so it was time to respond to one of the other injured parties.

 

Dear CoconutRandy with the $5 hair cut,

It has come to my attention that you are in fact the correct and defacto attorney representing Mr VIPCreditsGrin and not that shyster Kong. As you are involved in legal action against @CommissarZevrev and Destro's Entertainments Holding Company, I feel it only fair to inform you that I too am engaged in legal action against Destro, one half of that Partnership in search of compensation for my Client, one Don NotoriousBIG. This claim has nothing what so ever to do with your claim for compensation for prize money withheld to your client, and is instead a claim for compensation for criminal slander and  defamation of character made against my client in an attempt discredit his good name and pass blame for the transgressions against your client onto mine. I have been reliably informed that Destro recently came into possession of over $40 million and is therefore able to pay both the $17.9 million sought by your client, and the 18 million sought by mine, as well as mounting legal costs and of course a small stipend due to News Division of Coconut Corp as the legal employers and representatives of Mr VIPCreditsGrin.

Should you wish to discuss this matter further, I assure you that my car door is always open.

 

Kindest Regards,

 

Neil Anblomi Esq.,

Attorney at Law

Dearest kong

It appears my financial documents have been subpoenaed for this farce of a case by NotoriousBIG's legal council Mr. Neil_Anblomi and I am curious if this is something I should be worried about, as you are not always the most readily available lawyer I've ever had the displeasure of dealing with.  Certainly my charitable contribution to your other client VIPCreditsGrin, (who is also presently suing me) doesn't make me liable in any way, does it?  If there is some sort of legal precedent stating that it does, wouldn't that mean that PhillipMarleau The Writer would be equally liable?  Could we perhaps present a case to the courts placing the burden of this debt on him?  He has been desperately vying for my attention for days now, on the outside looking in, heckling, admiring, yearning to be included so badly he continually inserts himself in the conversation, even going as far as to send money to your client (VIPCreditsGrin, not me). 

Speaking of PhillipMarleau, ever see him walking around with his hands stuffed in his pockets?  What is he doing with his hands in there?  In my experience, when a mobster has his hands in his pockets, he's either grasping his firearm or he's fondling himself.  PhillipMarleau has already clearly stated that he has no interest in guns so that only leaves one thing.  Can he be sued for that?  Lewd public behavior perhaps?  Or should we just focus on one case at a time?

An actual answer or response would be nice,

Impatiently yours,

Destro

If I could read private correspondences that have not been addressed to me, which I obviously can't before any of you "busy bodies" get a bee in your pants about it, I would doubtlessly say I don't understand any of this legal mumbo-jumbo. I would say something like 'I don't have a brain for all this "legal jargon"', because that isn't the intern's lot. If it doesn't need putting in a mug, cleaning with a brush or investigating with a whim, vigor and tireless dedication, then it is frankly not within my wheel shed.  Therefore, I would just be grateful if someone could "update me" about two important matters.

Intern Grinbini holds up his hands and counts the items off on his fingers as he goes.

One, when is that villain Destro going to pay me the $50,000 he generously owes me?

Two, when is CommissarZverev going to admit his dice losses and near loss of life yesterday evening have financially crippled him?

And, the third of my two things, has anyone received $17,900,000 from Phillip Marleau and are they intending to send it to me?

I guess that is four things. I don't have a brain for all this "mathematics" though. I have an intern's brain.

Coconut Randy Esq sighed again, louder than before, before dictating a memo to his secretary, Ms. Coconut Brandy. 

COCONUT CORP INTERNAL MEMORANDUM

From: Coconut Randy Esq, SVP Legal and Compliance

To: Coconut Randy, Editor-In-Chief, The Coconut Chronicle

cc: VIPCreditsGrin, Intern, News Division. 

 

Coconut Randy,

In dealing with the matter of which you personally requested my assistance, I have encountered several complications which I will address:

A counter-suit has been filed against the initial defendant Destro by Neil_Anblomi on behalf of his client NotoriousBIG, the latter of whom has accused the former of libel, slander and defamation of character in bringing forward the accusation over Mr. BIG's culpability in the scandal-at-hand. 

Despite Anblomi's offer to form some sort of legal tag team, it is our feeling this would not only be highly-inappropriate but a blow to the integrity of the organization as a whole. Quite simply, we are a respected corporation and do not work with strange men sending letters from cars. 

While it was the previous recommendation of our department to actively assist the injunction brought by kong and partners over the rightfully-owed sum of 17,900,000 dollars from Mr. BIG, the highly-aggressive letter addressed to my office from Mr. Anblomi - one that opened with knowingly malicious claims regarding the price of your haircut, despite it being common knowledge that you cut your own hair and have, in fact, never paid anyone to touch your hair in any capacity (re: the other civil suit you are presently facing) - has forced us to change our focus with immediate effect.

It is now our position that we file our own claim against the office of Mr. Anblomi for attempted psychological battery and intimidation, whilst allowing kong and partners to continue their pursuit of the previous claims as seen fit, provided we still stand to benefit from any success they have against Anblomi and BIG.

With regards to your intern, VIPCreditsGrin, we are confident he will see financial restitution sooner than later. However, Coconut Randy, SVP of Human Resources, has asked me to mention in this confidential memorandum that his request for an advance of his payslip has been denied. 

Kind regards,

Coconut Randy Esq
Senior Vice President, Legal and Compliance
Coconut Corp