The Coconut Chronicle
Vol. 10

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

Hello, readers. Coconut Randy here. Isn't life crazy? One day, you're a happy newspaper editor enjoying the company of your 2nd intern, VIPCreditsGrin, and the next you're taping his rotting body to a desk chair just to keep morale up at the office. Though the search for our 3rd intern has not yet begun, our legal department remains hard at work finding a loophole to excuse our responsibility for their certain death. If you enjoy serious journalism but also wish for an early release from the bleak servitude of your miserable life, please keep an eye out for any future Coconut Corp job postings.

Enjoy Volume 10 of The Coconut Chronicle, with no stone left unturned and no Randy left unstoned.

ARCHIVE

The Coconut Chronicle, Volume 1

The Coconut Chronicle, Volume 2

The Coconut Chronicle, Volume 3

The Coconut Chronicle, Volume 4

The Coconut Chronicle, Volume 5

The Coconut Chronicle, Volume 6

The Coconut Chronicle, Volume 7

The Coconut Chronicle, Volume 8

The Coconut Chronicle, Volume 9

Special Report: Invasion of the Right-Hand Babies

Special Report: Assume The Position

Special Report: Follow The Money

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WINDTALKERS
By: Coconut Randy

Earlier this week, the everyday scum of our community took pause from their daily lives of foraging in the sewers for rings and coins in order to listen to New York leader Princess address the reasons behind the elimination of the Detroit mafia; a bloody event in which the one-time editor of The Coconut Chronicle, SeanCallan, was counted among the victims. What, however, began as a standard affair turned into something slightly more confusing to the riff-raff assembled when allegations against Detroit Don Jadon were brought forward:

"There had been information passed up that revealed he had been planning an attack in hopes of New York getting taken down before he had set out to execute said plans."

Navajo Randy - the Chronicle's resident code talking specialist - stated that despite a career which had led him to the very apex of his field, the coded language in question was one he had never before encountered, its deductive impenetrability a permanent mark on his storied resumé. Following a lengthy period of study, it was ultimately concluded by the expert that while there was surely "some form of subliminal messaging" at play, the statement was, in fact, completely indecipherable. 

We'll let you know if there's a break in the story, however, Alan Turing has as of yet declined to take our calls. 

THE LOST TRIBE
By: Coconut Randy

Residents of The Streets were stunned last week when Tiki, a Wise Guy from the lost tribes of Los Angeles, appeared on the streets to comment on the challenges extended to undefeated world duel heavyweight title holder CommissarZverev. It had been believed by Coconut University anthropologists that contact with the LA tribes was all but lost, given the notoriously quiet and reclusive nature of the primitive earner-gatherers, and rumoured sightings - such as Antonio's public submission to The Journalism Awards, before scampering back to his dilapidated jungle hideout - growing more and more infrequent.

In fact, records show that a public street appearance has not been hosted by an LA tribesperson since Vociferus bathed himself in the dye of the genipapo fruit, lifted the ceremonial stone-axe of the Tupi Guassa and announced the creation of his own tribe, The Golden Dawn, almost a month ago. Though known to emerge from their sequestered headquarters to barter wax and fish for beads and metals, experts note their reliance on the outside world seems to be diminishing at a rapid rate, suggesting the belief that their exists a shared language between our people and theirs may soon be an outdated one. 

If the last English-speakers of Los Angeles are reading this, our people wish you no harm and we come in peace. 

STAR-EXAMINER SURVIVES MASSACRE
By: Coconut Randy

Though Detroit may have perished, its most notorious product lives on: The Star-Examiner, previously owned by SeanCallan and his editor Dominic, was acquired by Philadelphia businessman CommissarVerevz - not to be confused with CommissarZverev - in a deal allegedly pushed through by Dominic's acting power of attorney during the ill-advised and fatal Sons of Liberty chapter of his tumultuous life story. 

The newspaper, famous for its trailblazingly-brief special updates and ability to report news from 70 to 80 years into the future, immediately flirted with numbers that established it as the big dog of mafia media circulation, sinking The Coconut Chronicle down to runner-up positions across all major categories. While it is yet to be established what direction the new leadership will take the publication, the tension is heavy in Coconut Corp HQ, where it is alleged that losing as many as 3 to 4 more subscribers to their rivals - a 25-30% decrease in overall readership - could spell the end for the famous tabloid. 

Matters were not made easier for Coconut Chronicle editor-in-chief CoconutRandy when intern VIPCreditsGrin was brutally murdered last week, leaving the paper seriously shorthanded. As such, his rapidly-decaying corpse continues to staff the issues & complaints department, where the bird that has made a nest of his ribcage has been promoted to Head of Customer Service (North America), pending its return from maternity leave. 

FROM THE ANONYMOUS HOTLINE

Chicago is going to be levelled in the next 24 hours.

11/19 10:38 AM

Though five days is a very generous 24 hours and Chicago leader Dominick resembles a very healthy cadaver, it is still with a great burden of sadness that we must report this tragic bit of reader-submitted news. You had a good run, Chicago. We will miss you. 

SUBMISSION HOTLINE

All columns, letters, tips, scoops, smoking guns and general hearsay can be submitted to the inbox of CoconutRandy.

Anonymous submissions can be sent in HERE.

Please direct all issues & complaints to my dead intern, VIPCreditsGrin.

Having spent the last couple of weeks finalizing the renovation of her newly acquired warehouse in the outskirts of Las Vegas, LiLi was enjoying a slow evening. In an attempt to wind down she had decided to go for a walk down Fremont street, or the Glitter Gulch which had been given as a nickname since the electricity had started flowing in from the newly built Hoover Dam. It was a beauty.

It was a busy evening with people coming and going. Feeling the pressure lately, with finishing up the warehouse, LiLi was due just to sit down on a bench relaxing. Just get a chance looking at all the others running around like mice trying to figure out where the cheese smell came from.

As she sat down she couldn’t help but noticing the abandon copy of the Coconut Chronicle littering on the bench. She picked it up curious to see what she might have missed during her busy days of late. As always she couldn’t help but chuckle quietly to herself as she was reading it.

“- Quality work as always.” LiLi said to herself as she threw the paper away in the nearest thrash can and started to slowly continue her walk down the street. She decided this was enough downtime for a night and started to walk more purposefully in the direction of the headquarters.

Coconut Randy watched as someone picked up a copy of the latest edition and throw it into the nearest trash can. With the new Star-Examiner having just been released, these were tough times for the #2 newspaper in America.