Commissar, we have discussed this before in private, but for the sake of an open dialogue I don't think you would mind me bringing up a few points here.

Your contests have become popular because of the very high-dollar prizes you offer.  While the prize money is extremely generous, you don't leave yourself a lot of wiggle-room to allow for all the behind-the-scenes expenses, and that is when things become complicated to manage.  Allocate some money from the prize pot to allow for funds to take care of all the other administrative garbage that nobody likes to tend to, but is obviously necessary.  Make the prize pots smaller.  Instead of 20 million, make it a 2 or 3 or even 5 million dollar prize.  Not nearly as attractive as 20 million, but still enough to serve as an attractive incentive to participate.  Or, offer the 20 million as the prize with the understanding that a large portion of that will be dived up among the contest officials.

And if there is money left over, maybe throw that excess into the prize pot for the winner. That way people walk away with their expectations being exceeded rather than walking away disappointed or worse yet, angry over it.

She was sweeping the side walk and over heard a speech, her automatic speech analyzer started to translate

I will volunteer to judge anything, my system only allows for fair judgement.

Yes and who is it that is getting fed up? People who have never organized or funded a proper contest themselves? People who don’t have a clue about what goes into the planning, launch, and compensation of putting these events together?

Exactly.

I’m not even suggesting that you shouldn’t be open to other people’s criticisms or feedback, I’m just saying you should consider the source. 

If you need judges at short notice, it is because you decided that.  You get to decide when you start a contest.  You are the one who chooses to make the notice “short.” You do know when you need them, because you are the one who decided to need them.  You also don’t actually have to pay anyone to not judge.  Pretty sure you have made that up entirely. I mean when is the last time that you even paid out for a contest?  Was it to the cannibal who didn’t submit journalism to a journalism contest? That contest was probably fixed anyway… she was caught actually putting hits on her competition. Who knows what she did before the prize was awarded?  Your contests have not caused fatalities, they have caused eyerolls.  Ridiculous people being ridiculous have gotten themselves killed, or killed innocent villains (Destro).   Literally every single piece of controversy that has surrounded your contests is entirely of your own making. 

Now, for a solution.  I will happily offer my judging services for the low low price of two million a contest.  Let me know. 

You asked for our opinions.  You should be thanking me.  What I say it pretty smart.  Probably smart enough to judge a contest... for maybe say 1.9 million?

I'm not sure what to say Commissar, I enjoy going to the streets, hearing the words of wisdom while eating my muesli. It rarely peaks my interest to join in myself and therefore, I do not think that I am qualified to answer your question, but I will try.

Your contests are excellent in theory but in practice they lack participants. To keep the costs down and morale up I have a few suggestions. Start small and expand as your contests rise in popularity, 1 or 10 judges, 10 or 100 millions of dollars, for me it doesn't matter. What really matters is that people feel they gain something from entering recognition, entertainment, entry reward it could be anything. I also believe that it is important to be consistent. If a contest is cancelled, you may end up losing the trust of the people and they would less likely to enter the next one. A Third option could be to enforce a required minimum number of entries, if this requirement is not met there will be no contest. This option may encourage participants to reach out to friends and family asking them to join in as well.  

That is… That is all the ideas I could come up with for now. If these suggestions should end up being of no use to you then I hope you can excuse my ramblings.

So what would be a reasonable compromise in regards to monies being distributed to the judges that are paid to not participate?  Obviously paying them nothing is out of the question, but if the current rate is putting a serious strain on the contests then that number could be modified?  I won't go into specifics as to what the current rate is, but if a happy medium were presented rather than "paying nothing" or judging "for free" I think an arrangement could be made.  

Not trying to rush a decision or anything, but even now while we're debating this the Commissar is spending money that could otherwise be going to larger or maybe even more prizes.

Look, with all due respect to the talk about going smaller, as the heavyweight boxing champion of the world, let me tell you a little something: publicity is king. Crowds of thousands show up to my title fights because I give the people what they want, like the time I KO'd that German dog Hermann 'Low Blow' Jaspers in the first round, just as I promised I would. 

Since the famous 40 million dollar flagship event, people have gotten bored. They don't want a DQ. They don't want a split decision. They don't want Bearcat Wright chucking knucks after the round's already over. They want a good, clean fight. They want to be entertained. And they want a title fight. 

So, think about it, what calibre of person are you attracting with a five million dollar prize? That 'wrestler' ChrisVaughn, who struggles to scrounge 15k together while boxers like me regularly take in purses of millions? Or BelleCorsica, feral underground poet-journalist, someone who tucks dead rodents under their armpits? 

You need to attract the champs. 

You know, the Rock was just out on the town, having a walk around, out meeting and greeting the people, the Rock's people. The Millions... and millions of the Rock's fans, and he overheard some jabroni crying in the street. "Whaaaaa, why is my life so hard? Whaaaaa why do my competitions suck? Whaaaaa? What can I do to make people like me?" Sounds like you need the Whaaambulance jabroni. Usually, the Rock would have just ignored you and carried on talking to his fans, but for some reason, the Rock decided to approach you in confidence, in private, and have a little heart to heart, see if perhaps the Rock could make things better. But this wasn't good enough for you, the Rock had reached out the hand of not friendship but of bygones. The Rock was prepared to help you out, help you pick yourself up and get back in the game. The Rock was ready to do all that for you jabroni, but you slapped the Rock's hand away, you thought you knew the Rock, that you knew the Great One, that the Great one had an axe to grind because you shot his daddy. Let the Rock tell you something Zevev... zypher... zipcode... what in the blue hell is your name anyway jabroni?

COMMISSARZVEREV: Its pronounced Zev...

It doesn't matter what you name is jabroni. The Simple fact of the matter is this, the Rock's daddy was a wiseguy and that's all he was going to be, picking up cigarettes from the gutter to smoke. Within 24 hours the Rock was already more than his old Man would ever be. Within 24 hours the Rock had been awarded so much compensation because you gone done fucked up that he could retire and never work another day in his life. But you see the Rock has a motto, 'Blood, Sweat, Respect - The first two you give, the last you earn.' You should remember that jabroni, perhaps you would benefit from it. 

So let the Rock lay it all on the line for you. Let the most Electrifying man in all of MR show you why you suck. There are two types of people in this world, the ones who like your money, and the ones who think you suck. That's it. The one's you think like you, the one's you think are your friends, they like your money, the rest couldn't care less if God himself came down from up on high, gave you a big fat Cuban cigar, lit that cigar, then slapped the taste of that big fat Cuban right out of your mouth. You think you are hated, that people are out to kill you, well let the Rock set the record straight jabroni, nobody gives a monkey's ass about you. You are street entertainment, like that guy over there spinning plates, or that guy over there pulling hankies out of his pockets or Destro's mom over there turning tricks.

Why is the blue hell do you have to pay people to judge your competitions? You say that your friends and enemies can't judge because you need someone impartial, yet you are paying some 10lbs of monkey crap in a 5lb bag $6 million dollars to read a story? Something tells the Rock that those people don't care about your competition, don't care about you, and only care about the money you are lining their pockets with. So lets look at your competitions and see if we can work out where you are going wrong. 

Competition 1: $40 million prize, won by Destro the Monkey's nipple for quite possibly the worst story the Rock has ever read in his entire life. There were half a dozen entries better than it. You changed the rules to suit your friend, you ripped the shit out of half the entries, and then you gave the prize money to your friend. Net result, people decided your competitions were rigged.
 

Competition 2: $28 million Prize, won by tiggy the man, your 'friend' and current CL. Now the Rock read tiggy's submission, and it was some surreal now age crap. It wasn't the worst submission, but it certainly wasn't the best, but because your 'friend' had unlocked some mystery code... apparently, she/he won the prize. Net result, people received apparent confirmation that your competitions were rigged.

Round about this time, it had come out that you had entered your own competition anonymously, paying some shill to regurgitate your monkey crap, so that you could win your own prize, and then when it all came to light, you had him killed for being a snitch. This confirmed to even the blind, deaf and dumb that something stank about your competitions, and not just the judges.

Competition 3: $10 million prize for taking the piss out of the man who spilled the beans. Won by your 'friend 'tiggy' again for something almost as badly written as Destro's winning disaster-piece. There was more duplicity and underhandedness, last minute judges and time extensions. Net result, people living under ground, on other planets and in the long lost land of Rocklantis now suspect that your competitions are about as honest as an election in a West African Dictatorship.

Competiton 4: $18 million prize, won by no one because of a bad outbreak of OCCitis that saw the whole thing swept onto another street. The Whaaambulance didn't arrive in time, and despite several offers of assistance to get it back on track, you through your toys out of the pram and cancelled it. People lost interest. Judges were compensated, a hasty winner was selected to try and save you face, a derisory $150k was offered, it wasn't paid, legal disputes were brought and everyone thought you were a monkey's ass. At this point the only people still entering your competitions were the people after your money.

Competiton 5: $20 million prize, won by 3 people who won $10 million each, with a runner's up prize for the Rock's daddy. 4 entrants, 4 prizes... Nobody wants that jabroni, as much of a chump that Coco the Clown is, he is right when he says that no one, and the Rock means no one wants that. People switch off, no one cares any more. 

Competiton 6: $14 million prize, won by BelleCorisca. Now her post was not to the Rock's taste, but it was certainly original. It didn't really meet to entry requirements in the Rock's opinion, but the none judge and Monkey's nipple, Destro, cast his vote, and then promptly died, leaving you to declare Belle the winner, despite having received no official votes. Nothing, anyone who was anyone gave up caring or entering back when the dinosaurs ruled the earth. 

Ad Hoc competition: $1 million to anyone who ignored the competition run by Detroit and instead enter yours instead. You alienated people who actually thought that you might have a modicum of decency by shitting all over a writing competition hosted by another city. You were that scared of the possibility that someone else might host a well run competition that you went out of your way to try and sink it, and cast dispersion on the hosts.

Competition 7: Prize unknown, winner, none yet, despite the closing date, extended closing date, and yet another closing date passing. You have one legitimate entry, one entry by yourself, entered under the name of your ancestor, a lot of begging by you for Narasimhaya to enter, and finally, wanting so much for you to know your damn role and shut your mouth, Narasimhaya cobbled together anything he could.

And that brings us up to date. Still with me jabroni, The Rock knows you have problems sticking with conversations that last longer than 2 minutes? So where does that leave us? Well since the beginning of time, there's been some questions that have remained unanswered. Why are we here? Are we alone in this universe? And the most asked question of all time is how can one man, CommissarZverev, be such a bonafide horse's ass? Every single issue you are having is an issue of your own devising. People, the Rock's people have lost interest in your competitions, and the only people who remain are the vultures, ready to peck the last dollars from your bloated, fat Cuban smoking ass. 

ChrisVaughn, I'm going to deal with some of your points.

Competition 1: I offered constructive criticism to some of the entries, yes, in the hope that they could and would be better next time.  Destro's entry was widely accepted to be the best.  Who should have won it, in your opinion?
 

Competition 2: "$28 million Prize, won by tiggy the man, your 'friend' and current CL. Now the Rock read tiggy's submission, and it was some surreal now age crap. It wasn't the worst submission, but it certainly wasn't the best, but because your 'friend' had unlocked some mystery code... apparently, she/he won the prize. Net result, people received apparent confirmation that your competitions were rigged."

Mikhail judged that story the winner.  You should be careful when you make wild accusations.  

"Round about this time, it had come out that you had entered your own competition anonymously, paying some shill to regurgitate your monkey crap, so that you could win your own prize, and then when it all came to light, you had him killed for being a snitch. This confirmed to even the blind, deaf and dumb that something stank about your competitions, and not just the judges."

Firstly, it was alleged that I entered my competition via a shill, but no conclusive evidence was ever actually offered.  And Scooter was executed not for snitching, if I recall correctly, but for being extremely abusive and hurtful.

Now, have I made some mistakes with my contests?  Yes, I have.  I thought Destro's entry in competition one was the best, and so I awarded him the first prize.  But you forget that there were a further two prizes won, by two separate contestants.  I am a busy man, and it was after the second contest that I started getting caught up in the whole business of having judges on hand and having to pay them off for not judging.  

Now, NotoriousBIG helped me out, but then there was a dispute, and then, sadly, and unfortunately, him and his whole family were killed.  I don't really know why, but I do know that his bloodline has been a friend to me since the start of this.

Now, ChrisVaughn, I don't know why it's important for you to say that nobody likes me, and that people only like me for my money.  I wasn't rich when I started this life, far from it.  But I had friends, and they helped me.  My bloodline, historically, favoured prestige and friendship over money.  And now, I guess I have enough for my children and grandchildren, but I doubt I'm even in the top 10% of richest people in this thing of ours.  And I had to shell out about $50M for a diplomatic incident recently.  That's one of the reasons we aren't having a contest at the moment.

ChrisVaughn, why don't YOU host a contest, if they're so easy?

You want the Rock's opinion on who should have won? ErrantKnight, Oblivion or Peter_Bishop, they were all substantially better than anything else there. You say Destro's was widely accepted as the best, but the Great one can find no evidence of that. The winner is widely supported by the people we always see supporting you and in your company, the people you pay and who get money from you. The Rock see's very little independent support, little serious agreement with you assertion, but that is neither here nor there, you asked what the issue was, and the public perception of your competitions is the main issue, whether Destro's story was deserving of a Nobel prize for literature is irrelevant, the seeds of doubt were cast in you very first competition. 

So Mikhail, all on his own judged tiggy the winner, is that what you are saying? Because that's what it looks like to the Rock. Mikhail was one of several judges is my understanding. And what wild accusations is the Rock throwing round jabroni? The Rock can only go off what you yourself said...

We couldn't decide on one winner.  Scooter would have won it, but tiggy managed to unlock the mystery behind the $28M prize money.

My apparent accusation was that tiggy won because she unlocked the code, the Armani code... or some other code that the Rock couldn't give a monkey's nipple about. Was that the accusation that the Rock was throwing around? Or do you just like mentioning Mikhail's name because it makes you feel strong? Or are you hoping that Mikhail will hear you calling his name and smite the Rock down? OK, we'll skip to your next post about the alleged shill. The Rock has evidence, the Rock has Iron clad, hardcore evidence. But the Rock doesn't need to make that evidence public because everybody knows what happened. If you want to nominate a suitable independent mobster who doesn't want to sink you I can happily show them the proof to verify that the Rock isn't just full of monkey crap. However, again, its totally irrelevant, because the people have already made up their minds. They know, they know.

Now most of the waffle you said next, well the Rock wasn't really paying attention, to be quite frank you contradicted so much stuff that you called the Great one out on that the Rock kinda fell asleep.... 'Zzzzzz.... Roody poo.... Zzzzz... Candy ass....' but the Rock woke in time for the end of your speech.  

Now, as many of you know, I am a rich man.  But not rich enough to be handing $6M out to a few guys every time I run a contest.

vs

And now, I guess I have enough for my children and grandchildren, but I doubt I'm even in the top 10% of richest people in this thing of ours.

So on one hand you are complaining about having limited funds, and next you are saying you have enough money for at least 3 generations, and then you claim that you aren't in the top 60 richest mafioso walking these streets, and have no money because you had to shell out $50 million. So Which is it? $600 million wouldn't do one Generation proud, just getting that army of Body Guards you swan around with would cost over $300m, so if you have enough money for 3 generations then you at least have $1.8 billion in assets? Finally, and the Rock does mean finally, the Rock never said for one moment that competitions were easy, but they are not as difficult as you make them out to be. As the Rock has already said, any difficulty you now face is entirely of your own making. You have alienated the people, you have alienated anyone who tried to assist you out of some misguiding feeling of brotherhood, and you have surrounded yourself with leeches and parasites who want to bleed you dry. If you are so sure of their genuine friendship, if you are so sure of their genuine support, then cut them off. No more money, no more random cash hand outs, no more paying judges to sit on their candy asses, and see how long they stick around. A few days, a couple of weeks? A month if you're lucky jabroni.