We stand here on this scorched earth having survived the strangest war in the history of this community. We saw brave heroes gunned down in their prime, shocking acts of fraud, terrible treachery, back-stabbing, and an endless series of twists and turns. But at last, it seems as if it is over. In this eerie calm, it is perhaps still only safe for one man - MartyMuscles, the most muscular motherfucker on these streets - to brave the public avenues and deliver to you an explanation of what took place here over the last few days. 

Mikhail and the LSI group had been in power for months, his apostles JohnWalton, Aegor, Viktor and Dominick by his side. But an unrest was stirring. CommissarZverev, the notorious figurehead of the Competitive Writing Community, had ingratiated himself with the Soviet State, much to the chagrin of the other LSI leaders. Viktor in particular had grown bitter over his employment of CommissarVerevz - the bargain bin Commissar, as he was known - and knew that not only would he never be popular enough to attract a talent like the famous Street Leader (settling for cheap knock-offs) but that his tiny muscles were a laughing stock throughout the entire community. His pale, delicate torso hung off his bones like an old avocado and he had been mistakenly apprehended for ghoulery more than once by amateur ghost-busters. 

Together, the apostles figured, we could remove Mikhail from power and claim these streets for our own. Together, they thought, we have the strength of nearly one man. Though they failed, dying instantly and all at once, a deal had already been struck between Viktor and Chinese nationalist Cheese Kai-Shek to depose of Mikhail, CommissarZ and tiggy, while apprehending hundreds of others for a money-printing scam of which Viktor himself had stood at the heart of its diabolical chicanery. He was truly a wretch like no other. Where did his duplicity end? We may never know. 

Bullets flew back and forth, leaving thousands dead, years of physical neglect giving them no chance to outrun their killers. Would things have been different if some of these people had even heard of a leg press or a barbell squat? Who am I to say? Maybe one day at the gym was simply too much for those puny dorks and their embarrassing 100-lb bodies. I'm standing here in the ruins of society looking jacked as a fucking minotaur, while the relatives of these nerds are weeping over their child-sized caskets. Sad. 

When the dust had settled, the obituaries were shocking. Chibs had been a crewleader? Who was ButtercupBooBoo? Some claimed a man named Mateo-Konte had operated a family out of Seattle. I didn't believe it. And of the survivors, who would lead this strange new world? The last Godfather standing, Homer, had spent the war smelling his fingers in federal prison. There were others but none who looked like they wouldn't struggle to lift a pencil, let alone rebuild the world. 

And so it is clear to me that no other man remains with the body composition, the capacity for anaerobic exercise, and the sheer bulk to put this community on their shoulders. Barely any of you can even tell me the difference between a trap and a lat or point to a quad or an oblique. The less said about your pitiful deadlift records the better and, quite frankly, you people make me sick. That is why it must be me. 

Today I become the acting Godfather-Chairman of the seven cities not because I want to but because I have to. Because there is nobody left to stop the meek, weak, sorry-ass freaks from inheriting this earth and spreading their soft-body contagion to the masses. Because there is no other survivor capable of rocking a front lat spread without looking like a complete and total amateur. 

This new world will be simple and merit-based: I will allow all citizens to remain homeless until they are Wise Guys, provided they fulfill their daily quota of push-ups, crunches and curls. To be considered for the rank of Made Man, you must find a sponsor and measure-out at a bicep diameter of at least 17 inches. Anyone who wishes to be considered for auth must bench a max rep of around 400 lbs, after which, if you would like to take Godfather, match me in a standard 3-set powerlifting competition consisting of squats, bench and deadlifts. 

I will run my operation from my HQ at Big Tuna's Outdoor Bars & Bench on South Beach, where you'll find me pumping 200-lb dumbbells like they're fucking Christmas crackers. 

If you need a home, I recommend you speak to one of my captains:

Homer, Dmitry, JustinBieber, Anarchy-, Whoreable, Raphael, Adalynn, and Berserker. 

Thank you.

Cadence was strolling down the street when she heard a voice speak, it was no ordinary voice it was a masculine baritone voice that stopped Cadence in her very tracks. 

"Yikes its martymuscles aka martymcsexonlegs aka martysexgod even your voice sounds like it works out you hadsome devil you" cadence blushed "But while i have you may i ask if there will be an official notification on the aftermath and possible rebuild of this battered and fractured community" Cadence hesitated for a second then stepped back and waited for a response

Cadence, you can consider this speech the official notification from the acting Godfather-Chairman (myself). As stated, the most senior member of the mafia remaining - Homer - spent the entire war in prison. At this point, given the months at which we were at battle, he is likely reformed and possibly a qualified lawyer, depending on the resources available at his place of incarceration. But he is certainly not the acting Godfather-Chairman (who is me). What this community needs is a strong leader, and I don't believe there is any man alive who can out-squat me, let alone out-bench me. 

Furthermore, I would prefer to address it not as rebuilding but as re-bodybuilding. I am surrounded by pipsqueaks asking me, 'MartyMuscles, how do I get arms as big as yours? How did you shape your pecs like rock-climbing holds? How do I stop being so weird and sad with women in Lounge?'

Under my rule, I am going to deadlift these dorks into a full physical and mental transformation. It is time to stop being such dweebs. It is time to become self-assured, sculpted contributors to MartyMuscles' mafia society. Get a home-gym set with some of that Wise Guy money. Buy some new clothes. For God's sake, take a shower. It is about time someone brought order and sense to this community beyond mugging protocol. 

Citizens, I am sad to announce that we will be accelerating a regrettable element in our timeline for the re(body)building of this community: purges.

It has come to my attention recently that certain individuals have been flaunting the rules and acting as if there is no Godfather-Chairman in place to put them in line. They are wrong. If they would have taken one afternoon to check in at Big Tuna's Outdoor Bars & Bench, they would have found me dictating my GFC agenda to lackeys while flipping a fucking enormous chain-wrapped tire back and forth in the South Beach heat. But these aren't the type of people who visit gyms, indoor or outdoor. These are the kind of guys who sniff poppers and twist their cankles playing cornhole in three-quarter jorts.

In reshaping this society in my image, I made it clear that I would not tolerate any dweebery, even specifically mentioning acting weird and sad in the coffeeshops. The following individuals have broken these rules. 

01:24 <Pyro[MR]> How many hoes is too many hoes to be hoein with at once?

01:24 <Pyro[MR]> Askin for a friend

01:25 <Excess[MR]> when you can't stop talking to one for a single day, you have an issue on your hands

01:25 <Agrippa[MR]> Probably a number your friend will never meet, Pyro[MR]

01:25 <Agrippa[MR]> :^)

01:26 <Excess[MR]> there's not such a thing as too many it just eventually becomes an issue

01:26 <Garrie[MR]> Answer is 0. Find sluts to slut with instead.

01:26 <Excess[MR]> that's nyasty

01:27 <Garrie[MR]> Why expend currency to fornicate?

01:28 <Excess[MR]> some people are less physically gifted than others

01:28 <Garrie[MR]> Tons of ugly girls too bruh. They even more likely to be slutty.

01:28 <Excess[MR]> it takes quite some gandering to find a suitable mate willing to jump in your bed

01:29 <Garrie[MR]> All u got with a hoe is a slut that has a taste for business. I don't need that if seeking a slut.

01:29 <Excess[MR]> those two terms mean the same thing but slut means more promiscuous

01:30 <Excess[MR]> a hoe will have sex but a slut seeks it out

01:30 <Garrie[MR]> Trappin and some sluts are not the same.

01:30 <Excess[MR]> first of all

01:30 <Excess[MR]> slutlivesmatter

01:30 <Garrie[MR]> A hoe exchanges sex for valuable goods.

01:30 <Excess[MR]> second of all

01:30 <Garrie[MR]> Money... Gifts... Dates

01:30 <Excess[MR]> i don't recall ever saying all sluts are the same

01:30 <Garrie[MR]> A slut doesn't require the financial element.

01:31 <Garrie[MR]> A slut will Netflix and chill without a tv

01:31 <Excess[MR]> a slut is an adjective not a noun

01:31 <Garrie[MR]> Bruh, maybe you're confusing sluts with slores?

01:32 <Excess[MR]> i'm not

01:32 <Garrie[MR]> Oh

01:32 <Garrie[MR]> Then ur just incorrect. Cool

01:33 <Excess[MR]> how can a certain group of nouns not all be identical

01:34 <Garrie[MR]> Dude a slut is cheap/free. Hoes are either prostitutes or gold diggers who need to be wined and dined.

As a result, Garrie and Excess have been placed on the priority list for the next purge.

The list currently reads as follows:

PURGE PRIORITY LIST:

1. Garrie

2. Excess

I hope this serves as a lesson to you all. We are trying to build a brighter and better world here and I expect the best from all of you at all times. Act right, eat right, and get your pump on. Keep up on your caloric intake and remember that overhead presses are your best mass builder.

This has been a message from The Bodfather. 

Furious stood behind Tiki and listen carefully to all words well-spoken and agreed to 100% of what he heard. He were truly very worried after reading the paper and couldnt undertand how a author can put out hitlist like that, he sneeks out the backway and are very troubled over what he had been seeing and learning in here.

Garrie, I will leave your comment as is, your headstrong misogyny is a bad enough look and it is beneath me to be seen in public with you. 

Tenkai, listen up, you claim to have said something "in the last two rants" but I have never met you before and don't know what the goddamned hell you are talking about. The only thing you have accomplished is convince me that you are clearly delusional and that I can summarily dismiss your Dadaist take on the English language. That you have to hide in the shadows like some envious hunchback only gives you even less authority. Why are you so ashamed to be seen? If it's your puny, disfigured frame, we can work on that. At Big Tuna's Outdoor Bars & Bench, everyone is welcome to get a pump on. 

I must implore, however, that you stay away from Garrie. He would be a bad influence on you. It is hard enough being a hunchback, let alone a sexist one. 

Bodfather out. 

You know for you telling me what i should or shouldn't be doing id your first mistake..your second mistake is for not listening to those giving you advice...your third mistake is saying im delusional and saying I have no braincells..you don't have to know who am i..nor do you have the right to know..and not are gou inclind to know.

Your fourth mistake is your being delusional and calling yourself the GFC..are you an idiot? I mean I don't know you neither..but i hardly see you making an influence on the masses..and i highly doubt homer and the currant leadership will follow a low life like you..making insults and seeming like you been doing too many drugs and letting it get to your head...and you call Carrie a bad influence..dude last but not least your last mistake is threatening to kill a member of a family..you think that people won't come after you for that? Who is bad for who? I would say I just lost more braincells with your idiocy..and you clearly haven't evolved in the brain all that much..well this is pointless trying to get you realize your an idiot.cya man.

Dearist Bodfather, I understand your arm size minimums, and I totally agree with the minimum bench, although 400 is weaksauce, but my man what about leg day? a man fit for made should be able to squat atleast 700lbs, even the women will agree thick thighs save lives

 

Walking away Swiggity keep repeating 

"

SwiggitySwooty is coming for the booty

 

SwiggitySwooty is comming for tha booty

 

SwiggitySwooty is coming for tha booty"

Tenkai, no one has accused you of having no braincells. In fact, it now seems as if you have levied the accusation against yourself. I know the life of a street-rat Quasimodo is difficult but it is also necessary; the children must have something to point and laugh at, lest they get bored and focus their attention on harming more noble creatures, like spiders or ants. Do you know an ant can carry 10 to 50 times its own bodyweight? If that were true of the wimps in this community, I would not have to take on this enormous responsibility, one that I must again emphasize I do not want but must bear. I did not ask to become Godfather-Chairman. It is a title forced upon me out of necessity. There is simply no other man alive who can pull off an 800 lb trap bar deadlift as casually as bringing in the groceries. 

However, I am very encouraged by your ability to count to 4 and believe there may be room for you as a spotter in the new world we are shaping, provided you bring your own 3-step ladder. 

SwiggitySwooty, you raise some great concerns. I am glad to see someone come forward with actual contributions to this discussion. I have put these requirements in place with the understanding that not every person can be a MartyMuscles. It is unfair to expect any regular individual to match what a man as sculpted and powerful as I have accomplished through a lifetime of hard work and dedication. I am not the Bodfather for nothing.

I agree, however, with your squat concerns. Nothing establishes power and dominance like strong quads. A squat minimum will be added to all Made Men promotions, rising with each rank after. 

01:27 <Garrie[MR]> Why expend currency to fornicate?

01:28 <Excess[MR]> some people are less physically gifted than others

01:28 <Garrie[MR]> Tons of ugly girls too bruh. They even more likely to be slutty.

01:28 <Excess[MR]> it takes quite some gandering to find a suitable mate willing to jump in your bed

01:29 <Garrie[MR]> All u got with a hoe is a slut that has a taste for business. I don't need that if seeking a slut.

Do I have to repeat myself? It is beneath my station to be seen associating with you. More than that, it makes me sad. There is no room in this new world for lonely smoothbrains lopping mother's milk out of their upturned fedora. 

Furious laughs at Garrie and Swiggeti, lonf time since having so much fun as for now dudes, keep it up, you really shine up the world :p

For some reason unbeknownst to him, Dick stepped in between the two men barking at each other in the streets.

”Wouldn’t it be more beneficial to all, if everyone went their separate ways? You guys aren’t going to see eye to on anything. So let’s all smile and nod and be on our way. There’s money to be made out there, let’s go get that instead.”

Half expecting someone to take a swing at him, he backed away a few paces. If his plea didn’t work, at least he tried. 

Thank you, Dick. The rebuilding of the world is at stake and it is very kind of you to put us back on track. You will be spared from the purges. 

Dick couldn’t help but smirk, “I’m not all that worried to be honest. It also seems this has gone a bit too far and there might not be any going back now. Best of luck to the both of you. Enjoy it if you can.”

He turned on his heels, flipping his hood up as he did. Wasn’t a point in catching a chill out in the streets. 

Marty watched as the man left as abruptly as he had entered the conversation. 

What an odd fellow. May have to purge him after all. 

He unfolds a large note of names retrieved from his pocket and scrawls at the bottom: 'DickGrayson (jury still out)'

Mr MartyMuscles, please do not denigrate the Rats, some of my cousins and good friends are Rats, Like Roland, and that one who works as a Chef in Chez Remy. Rodents have their place in this world, and its high time that people stopped comparing the dregs of humanity to us, when we do so much to take the refuse from your streets, and cupboards.

I tend to agree with Mr. Tenkai here.  Not so much on points one through three, but point four in particular.  I see nothing here that would indicate This Thing of Ours recognizes this MartyMuscles as anything more than mob muscle. No pun intended or course heh.

Destro_Whelan allows for the good-natured laughter from the crowd to subside a bit before continuing. 

Most likely he just overstates his position in the mafia to impress  whatever lonely bored housewife types frequent his beach gym.  Now I've heard of mafia figureheads running things from jail, heck Godfather Homer is presently incarcerated, sending orders down through his chain of command.  So a guy to be conducting business from a prison cell is nothing out of the ordinary, but a beach gym?  How would he conduct a sit down?  Push a bunch of inclined benches in a circle and hope everyone doesn't bang their heads on the barbell as they sit down?  It doesn't even make any sense.

We may not be able to do much here on our own Tenkai, but if we team up together we could probably take this guy.  We will make up what we lack in your brawn with my brains.  This guy can't comprehend high-level humor like Excess's "slutslivesmatter".  It's like he doesn't even get incel jokes.  He will be easily outsmarted.  How about you and I show this guy the meaning of respect?