Listen up, you twig-armed animals. I know you've all seen the last two speeches from Homer about pickpocketing. They've been the most populated street corners we've had since that drooling cretin Vapor and his casino scam ring threw our community into total chaos. In the mean time, having achieved the rank myself, I have learned some dark things about my Made brethren. 

What you don't understand is that the previous ruling was not just some silly way of empowering the rank, it wasn't about the money or about the murdering - it was a safe space. Made Men are people too. People with needs. Sticking their hands into strangers pockets is the only action most of these smelly virgins get for years at a time. And now, after all this fuss, you're going to take that away from them. You're going to beat them for it. 

What did you think Made Men were pickpocketing associates for? 15k? That's chump change. That would be pathetic. Could you imagine being that much of a loser? No, the types of Made Men who pickpocket do it because they have to. 

You know what happens when you take away their only means of release? They get backed up, they get frustrated, they get irritable. That's when bad things start to happen. That's how we get dumb, pointless wars sparked by exasperated dweebs. We cannot afford another one of those. Not after Vapor and his casino duplicity. We already live in a society where things like this are said in public:

[00:24:25] Tenkai: You must have given her good sex
[00:24:50] SwiggitySwooty: I dont really know what I'm doing I just kind of wiggle around
[00:24:50] Tenkai: Most females who have gotten good sex..they don't want to give that up
[00:25:24] Tenkai: I'm glad I know what I'm doing

Can you imagine the calibre of person who would emerge out of another rebuild? 

The good news is we have one fail-safe. If the late Phil_Steak hadn't been stupid enough to force the introduction of safeties to modern guns, who knows what kind of terrible mistakes would begin to take place. Say it with me everybody: Thank God for Phil_Steak's stupidity. Thank God for the Phil_Steak Commemorative Safety Switch. 

In the interest of keeping these streets safe and doing my part to maintain this new era of peace and prosperity, I am happy to introduce with immediate effect The MartyMuscles Pickpocket Charity Fund (For The Protection of Sexually-Frustrated Made Men). 

Are you an associate aggrieved over the loss of 15k to a predatory Made Man rifling through your pockets like a nut-seeking squirrel? 

Do not mug them!

Come to The MartyMuscles Pickpocket Charity Fund and get your 15k reimbursed, plus 500 dollars! All you need to do is send a witness statement with all of the pertinent information to the inbox of MartyMuscles, the most muscular motherfucker on these streets and chief proprietor of Big Tuna's Outdoor Bars & Bench. 

There is no need for more violence. Think of the greater good. Do what is right. 

I would like to note the generous contribution of the swolesigliere Moose, who has donated 250,000 to the fund for the protection of sexually-frustrated, pickpocketing Made Men. Thank you, Moose. You are a credit to this community. 

As Hulk was rampaging the streets as usual, not looking if he was smashing Durdens, RIA or dimwitted associates of torn down HQ's, he grunted when he hear some squealing about pickpocketing again. He sighs I wonder who is being a baby now, as he walks over he is surprised. The situation is different... As he stands being confused as he often is, big words don't do well with the Hulk he realizes it's his former team mate and slightly less puny human Marty. It was nice to see him, at least 1 person on the street who could shake hulk's hand without being immediately squashed.

O hello there Marty,

What is going on here? 

As he listens to the very easy worded simplified version of the speech held earlier, Hulk begins to grunt laugh. Roaring later on he looks at MArty and says:

Puny Humans never come to Hulk for reaching pockets, people should be more like Hulk, maybe paint them all green? That will scare any of those higher uppers with a brain!!!

As Hulk sees Marty sigh he wonders what he has said wrong? It was clear that whatever Hulk was doing was clearly working, why it would not work for smarter people? They could for instance walk around with empty wallets maybe??? Hmm Hulk is lost in thoughts.

Marty let's him think, he knows those wheels churn like big wheels of a Mill without proper propulsion... But after half an hour Marty's patience runs out, he was in need of a couple deadweight lifts, planking for half an hour and doing half a marathon before the day was over.

Soo.. Errr Hulk boy... Would you have any money left aside from when you smashed that bank open like a coconut and took all that cash? I could use it for my fund you know... I know you don't need much since your superpowers are easily keeping you safe, you don't need a fancy room in the HQ and you can easily smash another bank.

Hulk grunted, knowing that puny humans always had money issues, Hulk will ask boss lady, if Hulk paid enough for rent this month, if money left I will give for puny human cry babies.

Ladies and gentlemen, a tip from the Don of Dumbbells himself, Dmitry! Another 250,000 dollars towards protecting our boys in regrettable pinstriped fedoras.

Another thank you to my nearly-as-swole brother Hulk_Smash for his 100k contribution. I hope to see you at Big Tuna's soon.

It is good to see the best of this community come out to support the less-privileged, lonely Mades among us. 

Let me also add, I would like you all to take a good look at my friend Hulk_Smash here. He is enormous. He could crumple up a frying pan in one hand like a piece of paper. This is the kind of man I implored you all to be in my extraordinary speech, War of the Weaklings. Between the two of us, we could smash this entire wimpy community around like Godzilla marching through a playground. But instead we both stand here, united in purpose and rich as Croesus, to protect those less fortunate than ourselves.

May it serve as a timely reminder that the community-wide invite to a free membership at Big Tuna's Outdoor Bars & Bench still stands. 

What can I say, folks? The rate at which cash is being thrown into the MartyMuscles Pickpocket Charity Fund coffers is remarkable. I clearly was not alone in my wish to see these poor pickpocketing Mades protected in some way from the cruel and vengeful mugger associates out there. All they are looking for is a modicum of human contact, only to be shunned and assaulted by peers who have not even made their bones.  

As listed above, a 400k donation has just come in from an anonymous lion who did not wish for his name to be published (or at least what is left of 400k once my people have weeded out the bills too damaged or soaked in feline urine for use). The range of fine people who have already contributed - Moose, Dmitry, Hulk_Smash, anonymous lion - perfectly demonstrate how we as a community can work together to be better, instead of doing things like pasting the same mugging rules that were abused and made everyone upset in the last regime again in the new one. 

If the majority of this community approached self-improvement with the same fervour as their reaction to learning they cannot mug Made Men anymore, many of you may have been able to execute a burpee without going into cardiac arrest by now. 

Please, associate underlings, begin to come forward to claim your 15.5k reimbursements and avoid hurting our brave Made boys. 

A shuffling lurching creature waits until darkness falls to hobble out of the shadows. The outdoor gym is quiet all apart from the regular squeak, squeak, squeak of a poorly oiled chest press machine that MartyMuscles is pounding with a rhythmic pump and what appears to be an oversized cuckoo clock which is for some reason plonked in the middle of two squat racks. The shadow notes that the Marty’s machine is squeaking in time with the second hand of the said clock. Mesmerised for a moment the shadowy figure forgets why he has appeared here on these streets.

He coughs to gain the greasy muscle bound Marty’s attention. Gained a voice not dissimilar to the sound of crunching gears speaks up:

Mr Muscle - I understand you love the jobs people hate. Here please take this donation, you do great work informing the lesser mortals here of how things should be. Feel free to fumble my pockets and he ever you see me pass but please do be warned you may come out in a nasty rash the next day.

The shadow throws down a large briefcase and walks away. A note on the briefcase reads:

Open with care, dust masks, gloves and disinfectant are advised

Just lifting the large briefcase would have been a great tribulation to most mafiosi in the community, but Marty flung it onto the seat of the chest press bench like tossing a towel over his shoulder. He looked like he could run straight through a brick wall without losing any speed on the other side. Open with care, huh? Marty ripped the sides of the briefcase apart like an oreo. A cloud of thick dust flew into the air, sending him into a coughing fit. Jesus fucking Christ, Marty thought to himself. Gonna have to hose down the Shannon & Destro_Whelan Squat Centre after this. The dust cleared and he looked down to inspect the contents of the bag.

"I'll be god damned. You know, I've talked a lot today about the people in this community. Most of you pipsqueaks can barely do the laundry without waking up with muscle aches. We are living in a society of the babies Spartans threw off cliffs.

That is why we need initiatives like these, that protect the weak and helpless Made Men who now risk being mugged for the crime of seeking human affection.

That is why we need good people like my friend impetigo, who has contributed 5 million dollars to the MartyMuscles Pickpocket Charity Fund.

Hell yeah, people. This is a man who is looking out for his peers. A man who wants the best for this world. This is a guy who walks the walk. 

I'm so pumped I'm gonna have to double my post-workout dumbbell reps to work off this fuckin' adrenaline, baby."