The Sewer Pipe

Dishing all the shit we see

Issue 1

So, it would seem that with the fall of SamAdams and Goldust, we are once again without a newspaper, or in some cases, a Snoozepaper. Having recently moved to Chicago from New York, and with my son's no longer Teenagers and believing me dead, I find myself in need of gainful employment. It was Keynes who argued that demand, not supply, is the key variable governing the overall level of economic activity. So as we have a demand for the news, and I have a demand for work, the two seem to come together nicely. Given that I live in a sewer, and that I am obviously a Rat, I have access to places that ordinarily people do not. I intend to Take a good long look up your pipe, reach in, and pull out your shit... metaphorically speaking. Therefore I will not be writing a boring broad sheet aimed at regurgitating the same shit you heard in the streets 10 minutes ago, no this will be a whole new kind of shit for you to get your teeth into.

War... What is it good for?

At 05.11 hours yesterday morning, a combined taskforce allegedly led by West and His Chief Lacky Grin-07 gainfully supported by their murderous psychopomp, Evelina, laid waste to a large portion of Seattle's population. Man in the know John, has laid claims that this was for two reasons. West being Butthurt over comments made by a man dead so long that his corpse no longer stinks, decided to wait almost 4 weeks to seek revenge on people who have nothing whatsoever to do with Novocane other than having worked in the same city as him, although people that John may possibly know, but whom he most certainly didn't name, may have possibly thought that the whole charade was an elaborate ploy for Grin to seek revenge on Novocane for something that the dead man may have possibly did, or that perhaps his Great Great Great Granddaddy did to Grin-01 or some shit. Honestly guys, I'm as lost as you are, and I live in the sewers and wade through shit on a daily basis.

The second, and apparently less likely reason, according to many arguments I over heard, is that both West and Grin have a dislike of containers... Now, I know what you are all thinking at this point, but aren't containers good? You're damn right they are! How else could you get your Chinese take away back to the HQ without spilling it all over your cheap suit? How would you bring drugs and alcohol into the country when there is nothing on the back of the lorry to hold them in? But that's exactly the way they want you to think. You see I was in Grin's HQ earlier, and its a damn mess. There isn't even a couch in the place, and no beds either, people just laying on the floor and in closets. Horrendous. But, and here is the big one, there was food all over the floor. Some might say that this was down to a lot of hitmen working overtime to take out the Seattle trash, and having to eat on the fly, and crashing out when the adrenalin is over, but they would be wrong. You see, the missing link is VoxNeruda. Why would any man hire someone who lives in the sewers to be their hand... you would have to be all kinds of stupid, and yet up until yesterday this is exactly what we had. Grin employed Vox the smelliest man in the land to be his hand. It doesn't make sense until you realise that Grin has a mortal fear of containers. He has banned them from the HQ, and any time he comes into contact with one, he goes catatonic with terror. Vox was hired to eat the spilled food from the floor, and pick the rice grains from the carpet pile. This is why the HQ has no couches or beds, and why it was such a mess yesterday, Vox had died and there was no one to clear up.

We approached almost centenarian, West for a comment and he said. "What? What the fuck are you on about you crazy fucker? Hey, are you a rat? Dang bro, what... " before drifting off into a slurred ramble... damning words indeed loyal readers. 

The final nail in the coffin of Grin is this. Seattle is famous as the Container capital of the mid west. More boxes, packing cartons, aluminum trays and the like are produced in Seattle than in any other city in a 50 mile radius, and Vidic, Rizadon and Dmitry had their fingers in that pie at least TwoKnucklesDeep. With their execution, container production is at an all time low. In fact when we asked City hall, they said all the Container Crews had dissolved now that there were sufficient regular crews. So there you have it folks, I told you this shit would get real, and it just has. Seattle has fallen, and all because Grin has a fear of Fast Food Containers.

John also mentioned purging in his comments, but other than food all over the place, we could find no evidence of this. However, we do recognise that purging may be evidence of a far more serious underlying eating disorder, and that shit is whack. If you purge, if you feel the need to purge, or if you know someone who purges, then please, seek medical help, projectile vomiting is never cool and can have a detrimental effect on your teeth.

FBN incompetent.

So, you would think with all these deaths, littering, hostile take overs and general criminality going on that the FBN would be having a field day. But you would be wrong. With the passing of VoxNeruda, the Feds aren't even hitting their Homeless person harassment figures. Sixty Five people were gunned down yesterday, and the only one in jail was Kirsty, who spent the night in the Drunk tank. 

According to a former Chicago Boss whom we interviewed shortly before his sudden death, Kirsty was seen wandering the streets drunk, singing a well known Saturday Morning serial Theme tune at the top of her voice. Police intervened and Miss Kirsty spent the night in the tanks before sobering up this morning and making bail. She is to appear before the district magistrate in 4 weeks time to be arraigned on charges of Gross indecency with a Trout, Throwing a stink ball, Dyeing a Chick and being Drunk and Disorderly. 

FBN Agent Daniel Meehan refused to comment on his task forces incompetence, but he was heard to say that Miss Kirsty could certainly carry a tune.

Please remain seated.

Today, as many a member of our society mourned their dead, Chicago announced the promotion of __________I_________ to the rank of Crew leader to replace _________l_________ who had died in the 'Great May Container War.'  __________I_________ made his way to the streets to address the assembled throng of people... person... one person showed up and he works for __________I_________ and previous to him had worked for _________l_________ also. __________I_________ called for the real Soul Catchers to stand up, to which gestra remained seated. Unperturbed, __________I_________ denounced _________l_________ as the pretender to the throne that he was and proclaimed himself as the true king of the Underscore I's. Given that he was the only one left, this would not be a hard achievement. From somewhere down the street, gestna started to heckle his new boss whilst gestra looked on, and  _________l_________ chewed on his lower lip. 

 _________l_________ finished his speech with an ascertain that he had been given his chance to shine, but as we all know, you can't polish a turd. I know this especially to be true. Mikey and Donnie spent 4 years collecting and polishing turds to see which one could get a shine on first. I found them with a strange collection of over starched socks under their beds shortly before I fled to Chicago... surprising given that my sons never wore socks.

His speech finished,  _________l_________ went on his way, hopefully to the Hospital to get steralized and prevent any more abominations with that name from gracing our streets. We asked Detroit rent boy, SeanCallan, or Bob, as he is known to his friend, for his opinion on Chicago's latest Auth, and he replied, 'I did actually check your surname....Sphincter.' before laughing to himself like a 12 year old who has seen breasts in an adult magazine for the first time.

Late Victim of the Container War emerges.

A final victim of the container war has emerged after Consigliere Ood of Detroits Corktown outfit 'The Warmongers', winners of the Kirsty Amazing Awards Ceremony's Least Likely to declare War award, was admitted to the Henry Ford Hospital. Although not life threatening, Ood is believed to require extensive cosmetic surgery after an accident at his local Chinese Take Away. Ood had ordered his usual portion of Singapore Noodles not knowing that there had been a global shortage of Containers since yesterdays war. The Girl behind the counter threw the Noodles to Ood telling him to catch, but Ood had been distracted by the smell of good food and the sight of a nude dude carrying wood, and turned to late, only to be smacked in the face with the molten hot noodles. 
An Ambulance quickly arrived at the scene, and rushed Ood to hospital, where Doctor's give him the terrifying news that the noodles had literally welded themselves to the lower portion of his face and would require several thousands of dollars of reconstructive surgery to put right. This is another blow to Ood's failing modelling career, which until recently had seen him Model for Hugo Boss.

The Sewer Pipe wishes Ood a speedy recovery, and we have set up this Just Giving charity in case you are moved by the plight of Ood and his Noodle face, and wish to contribute. Simply send your donations to: 

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We have started the donation drive off with a donation of $100,000 

And that's all for this edition. If you have any shit you need checked out, racked over, or discussed, please do not hesitate to get in contact. All information will be treated in the strictest confidence. 

I would call you a dirty rat, but unfortunately that is not really an insult to you Master_Splinter I mean a literal rat. Could be worse, you could have wings and be a pigeon. Dirty bastards. And I'll have you know being the only one left is surely a sign of my King-like underscore greatness! I might have to send more of my turds into that nasty sewer you call a home. Get polishing. I want one of those shiny sparkling turds for my desk in the HQ. A cracking read though. Top notch toilet reading material. 

I think you are thinking of MickeyTheRat __________I_________, you see Rats are actually quite clean creatures, people just assume we are dirty because we live in Sewers and generally unsavoury places, more often than not it is the pests that infect us that are the true disease carriers. Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others.

I see you callin me out, Master_Splinter.  Maybe I do get a little dirtier as a business man than as an actual rat.  But hey, it ain't too bad gettin' cleaned up in a solid gold bathtub.

Truly a good read this and can also agree to much of it and looking forward to more of this great writer to let more people understand what the heck going on lately in this world.

This was a disappointment.  The layout was poor, and the content dense and not especially newsworthy.

Having said that, I believe with a decent editor and a few more journalists, issue 2 could be better.

Creating successful newspapers has proven to be difficult in this thing, and I wish you all the best.

Happy to help with funding or advice, Master_Splinter, if you want to get in touch?

MickeyTheRat, it was not my intention to call you out simply to point out that there is more than one rat, and more than one way to skin a cat. A solid Gold bath seems a little ostentatious for my tastes. He is richest who is content with the least, for content is the wealth of nature.

Kirsty, I hope that you have sufficiently sobered up following your stay in jail. I hear the inmates passed you around like a bag of jelly babies but that no one was willing to give you a try... seems even lifers are not that hard up. However, you are correct, if this were a newspaper I was printing then it would not be very newspaper, if this were a newspaper. But it is not. Can you see anything that could be deemed the News within its silken pages of knowledge? Can you see where I printed that it was a Newspaper? That being said, What you are is what you have been. What you’ll be is what you do now. So pray tell, what advice would you offer this humble publisher, for the man who asks a question is a fool for a minute, but the man who does not ask is a fool for life. 

Master_Splinter, if you read my prison diary, you would know that I was in solitary confinement, and that I did not come into any physical contact with any prisoners.  So your information is incorrect.  

What, exactly, is your publication "Issue 1" of?

If you want to be in the publishing game, you must arm yourself with more knowledge, son. 

Kirsty, I read your so called Diary, it was nothing more than subterfuge built upon artifice. The fact that your Great Grandfather, CommissarKuku was never in jail tells us everything we need to know. His Father may have seen the inside of a jail before he was executed, but Kuku never even made it into the country, prevented by Cityhall from setting foot on US soil until the end of March. 
On top of that, I am not your Son, my mother did not work the streets corners and flophouses for dimes and nickels and you are not Japanese. I can see that there is no possibility of us working together, so I believe this concludes our business. Sayonara Kirsty san.

Mercury was roaming the streets looking for a target when she found the shittiest rag she had ever seen. The Sewer Pipe it read. This truly looked like it had came out of the sewer. She found a stick and began reading. It seems there was a war? There seemed to be a couple possibilities for it? Containers in Seattle? What kind of containers? Maybe I am reading this all wrong. It's so confusing!

Mercury was never involved in such things. She tended to her own business. Maybe there was something else interesting in this rag. She continued to read.

It seems someone spent the night in the drunk tank. Was this a mobster hiding? Who knows. It could have been. Nevertheless, that didn't interest Mercury either. After unfolding a bent flap, Mercury read on.

Who is this __________I_________ ? Mercury realized she was out of the loop. She didn't know any of these people and wasn't privy as to why they'd be news. Someone from Detroit who was connected to containers was also found dead.

Was any of this real? Mercury had her doubts. This was an interesting read. Maybe she needed to get more information on all of this. 

Mercury decided to hit the streets in search of answers. Would they come? Probably not. Omerta and all, ya know.

Mercury, you could always just ask?

I hear that Vidic was awarded the "Best defender of Seattle" posthumously. 

Probably the best defender to walk the streets of MR, hell even in that soccer league over in the UK!