Mobgov - knowledge is porridge (stupidity is no handicap)

The board of director at MobGov feels that feedback is a gift and like all Father’s Day presents the effort and thoughts are appreciated no matter how obviously ham-fisted an attempt it is. So thanks to @Tony_TwoTimes, we have come to realise that not everyone may be up to speed with the MobGov model.  In a departure from normal service, we have abandoned MobGov ethics and this rundown of the latest survey will be the @Tony_TwoTimes special, broken down into toddler sized chunks for easy digestion. 

A little background for Tony (and anyone else who needs help) however; MobGov is an award winning service offered by a group of willing researchers and data analysts where the questions of the day are put to anyone who feels inclined to answer. 

These responses are interpreted by the data analyst department and presented to you, the grateful public with commentary...not opinion. We have no opinion on whether Grin-07 (RIP) should have shot Kirsty (RIP), what was great about Lost Angeles or how fantastic Chyna (RIP) was but you Tony...as a mere thug (as of writing)...are able to provide your opinion on these matters of the day. 

Hopefully you’re still keeping up but like any good group event we will stop frequently to let the stragglers catch up. 

Ready Tony?

Ok, hopefully Tony is with us by this point. I We the MobGov board are eternally grateful for the literally many respondents who took the time out away from their petty crimes, jail breaks and bodyguard hunting to provide valuable insight into the key topics of the day. 

During the week there was an anonymous request from the latest in the Kuku line asking whether we were interested in carrying out an incognito interview. At this moment in time, MobGov board feel that it is not in the public interest to breathe oxygen into that particular corpse given that the proud @Sisyphus line has assumed the mantle of self-proclaimed leader of the streets. 

MobGov Board of Director 

MobGov Survey 4 Results - Brought to you by Grinble Beach Farm - For all your cattle grazing needs

Question 1 - What will you miss most about LA?

• The beaches - 23%
• That it was still another 6 hours to the great city of Seattle - 19%
• Sunset Strip - 12%
• The Chinese Food - 8%
• Other responses - 38%

The @Tony_TwoTimes summary: Los Angeles, now known as Lost Angeles, lost its mob presence thanks to a crackdown by boring city government. It’s demise is lamented by some but evidently not by all. 

Ahhh, the poor Los Angelinos with their clean living lifestyles and crime free streets. Even the stressed out monster needed some downtime and the lure of the beaches was always a draw for the aged among us like @Foamy and @Qarinah.

More interestingly were the other responses:

• Absolutely Fuck all squared on a wet weekend in Brighton. - I think someone needs to stay behind after geography class. LA is famously, not Brighton...true they both have beaches and the similarity pretty much ends there. Brighton is the Adidas four stripes to LA’s three stripes (@Tony_TwoTimes - it means it’s a pale imitation)
• Absolutely nothing/Not a jott  - Self explanatory really.  
• Being Pickpocketed/Pickpocketing @Right - Everyone has fun picking @Right’s pocket @right?  So popular it could be America’s next favourite sport.  @Right will undoubtedly accept one credit for every attempt made.  It can be made payable to RightNeedsCreds4Dice.
• All of the member of the United Nations sleeping on public benches. - With the United Nations headquarters actually being in New York, the decision to base the UN at the furthest away point of the country from New York was always going to have ramifications and the most vulnerable members of that society were the first to find themselves struggling.
• Being able to pretend I'm a famous movie star - Fare ye well and au revoir Hollywood.  Did anyone actually do anything “movie starry” in Hollywood?  Was the long departed Magda the only one given the opportunity to turn Hollywood into a screen writer’s elysium?  We will never be able to go back there to see, which brings me to the last one.
• My businesses there - The MobGov favourite (i.e. only ones remembered) were either Mini Vesuvio or West Cat Tavern but there were many long established businesses which have fallen foul of the crackdown.  May all those businesses rest in peace.  I am sure the other cities that don’t have enough exclusive hotels/apartment blocks, coffee shops, pizzerias or bars will benefit from the personal touch that sets your business apart.  MobGov recommendation is to include churros in your coffee shops and cafes.

Question 2 - Deep Dive Philadelphia - Evening is…

After Noon but before Night a superstar a time of day starting around 7 pm Nipper in Drag very interesting. Better than morning.

good at addition time to drink? Confusing my favourite time of day. A cunt Drunken rambling.

after Morning Glory, Lazing on a Sunny Afternoon, but before those Summer Nights (Tell Me More!)

Evening is a tyrant who could use a new lead diet, preferably beginning at breakfast just to spite her name.

NOT A "HE" RIGHT before night Amazing at reading stories. Pleasant Shit Utter romance Time to sleep?

A leader in Philadelphia Cool beans Overrated Just before night

The @Tony_TwoTimes summary: @Evening, a confusing leader in Philadelphia, is a very interesting overrated superstar cunt who is good at addition like a pleasant shit just before night.

Alternatively, @Evening is a time of the day.  Take your pick Tony.

The MobGov experience of dealing with @Evening is that it is an overrated time of the day.  MobGov likes the afternoon.  It still holds the promise of the morning and the freshness of a nice tasty, churro based lunch without getting bogged down with reflections of the day just gone and the morrow yet to come.  @Evening is not MobGov's favourite time of the day.

MobGov feels the word tyrant gets bandied about these days by snowflakes but maybe @Evening is a tyrant.  MobGov feel that if people really want to see what tyrannies are about they could do a little research.  However, the person has spoken and maybe they need to have @Evening read them a story.  MobGov can confirm that @Evening can read stories for MobBedtimeStories any time she wants...

The biggest question to be drawn from this, is can anyone confirm whether @Nipper and @Evening have been found in the same city at the same time?  If @Evening is @Nipper in drag, and @Nipper spends most of his time in drag...then does that mean that @Evening is therefore @Nipper as @Nipper should be seen.  When they are seen side by side at the same event then we can prove once and for all that they are not the same person.

@Evening, not really a tyrant just a very naughty girl.

Question 3 - Given recent revelations - Favourite Nip- Nipper, Nipsey or Nipples?

• Nipper - 61% (+17%)
• Nipsey - 12% (-18%)
• Nipples - 27% (+1%)

The @Tony_TwoTimes summary: Nipper is Disorder's progeny.  Research Disorder if you have to...or just...you know...don't.

MobGov feels the strong @Nipples showing in Survey 3 subliminally prompted @Nipper's bloodline revelation.  Looking at the results, @Nipper was just @Nipper beforehand but now @Nipper is Disorder and everyone loves Disorder.  That's all everybody says, Disorder was fantastic!  Vive la revolution!

Once again though, although @Nipsey has lost lots of votes...the one thing that remains constant is those people that love @nipples still love @Nipples.

We all love @Nipples though @right?  Don't take it to heart though @Nipsey...find a way to be both loved, hated and feared all at the same time and you'll develop a bigger fan following.  Even @Evening and her velvety read-me-stories comforting tones is viewed as a tyrant, so the tyranny bar is low.  @Nipper's figures show that everyone really loves a tyrant.

Question 4 - Vampires...

• A figment of the imagination - 15%
• A blight on the streets - 27%
• Welcoming in every public event they open - 8%
• Others - 50%

The @Tony_TwoTimes summary: Vampires are in the streets being all weird and creepy.  Some people like it, some people dont.  Do you dislike it Tony?  You look like you would be a vampire disliker or are you the live and let live type of gun-toting gangsta?

A topic always likely to polarise opinions.  Equal opportunites for all and velvet lined coffins do not come cheap in this day and age.  Recent advances in sunlight absorbing skincare has meant that these nocturnal beings are now more frequently found out in the daytime which has prompted some sanguivoriphobes to express dismay.

We here at MobGov do believe in equal opportunities for all and the minimum entry requirement for the mafia should be the ability to ingest a slice of garlic bread without dissolving from the inside out.  We call on the scientists at the custard institute to develop a treatment for alliumphobia, or @Right should work on his counselling services to include those that suffer from this debilitating phobia.

Visit @Right's counselling services in Seattle to discuss any fears you may have; whether it be garlic, vampires, werewolves or the tyrannical @Evening lead breakfast special.

The general gist of the 50% is not a positive experience though:

• Useless unless they are William the Bloody
• The suckers trashing up this sacred plaza with crap about stuff that's right out of Rod Serling's pocket need to be drained of their stupid blood once and for all.
• Me
• Great target practice for starting shooters
• Sparkly
• Desperately lacking bacon
• A Bloody useless lot. Spike was the only decent one
• glittery fairies like Clause
• GTFO
• do not glow up like wussies but die in a cloud of dust!!
• Need terminated. With extreme prejudice.
• Nobody cares about vampires except 12 year old girls who watch Twilight.

Personally, we at MobGov have never found vampires to be sparkly.  @Ubercorn is sparkly, it is hard to sparkle in black velvet cloaks.  Sparkles make sneaking around in the dark harder.  General natural selection would make sparkly vampires a short lived evolutionary trait destined to be easily spotted by any vampire hunter with a half decent torch.

Question 5 - Who would win a battle of the raccoons?

• Elodin - 42%
• TrashPanda - 58%

The @Tony_TwoTimes Summary: There are two raccoons.  Chicago don't appreciate theirs and Philadelphia seem to.  I bet you're not a raccoon fan Tony.  You look like a ferret owner.

The question is, what does @Elodin have to do to win people over?  Conspired against during the basketball competition, routinely disparaged when it comes to his disorganised crime skills and regularly hated on by his own city.

In order to court more pubic sympathy to her tyrannical regime in Philadelphia, MobGov suggest that @Evening open a sanctuary for underappreciated and unwashed raccoons.  Give @Elodin a loving home.

@Trashpanda does appear to have the eye-clawing, back-biting and gonad bashing skills of a dustbin emptying quadriped to take @Elodin down to Chinatown.  Chinatown being where the most cosmopolitan bin contents are found - who doesn't love a bit of leftover crispy duck covered in dust?

The Committee for Raccoon Appreciation and Promotion has requested that MobGov desist from further raccoon based questioning if we cannot be more supportive of the lovable rapscallions.

Question 6 - Who is the most beautiful here

• MarlaSinger - 15%
• OldBumMaggy - 8%
• MiniMac - 4%
• Ubercorn - 8%
• Others - 4% each

The @Tony_TwoTimes Summary: No @Tony_TwoTimes on the list?  I think it's the back to front hat wearing, so last year.  Shake it up a little Tony.

The full list:

• @Ubercorn, because he is Uber...
• @Evening
• Me
• Chuck
• @lord_profitt
• @Elodin
• @MezzaninE
• @Senorita
• @Kitti
• Me and SId's Nan
• @Latom
• @Amina
• Kirsty.
• @Ubercorn, he is a majestic stallion of love
• @Nipper in a silk kimono
• @Qarinah
• Blitz's Mum
• @Nipples

If you're not on that list, and it's a list of some gorgeous looking people, you are hanging around the wrong crowd.  Take some tips, show some cleavage do what it takes to get noticed...or not. 

MobGov reached out to some on that list for hints and tips:

@Charles_Barkley - A good looking hat is what draws people in, just don't open your mouth it can put them @right off again

@Evening - It's the curly hair isn't it!

@Elodin - If in doubt, offer to stink their house out if they don't vote for you

@Ubercorn - Dance moves...and get yourself a horn.  Chicks dig a guy with the horn.

@Senorita - I take the @Zapata tache and turn it into something fabulous.

MobGov thinks the businesses need a makeover king or queen.  Book yourselves in and get a generic makeover.

Question 7 - Cheesey Crumpets...are they better than custard?

• No - 54%
• Yes - 12%
• Others - 34%

The @Tony_TwoTimes Summary: Custard is better.  Custard is the best.  If you don't like custard then what the hell is wrong with you.

MobGov do not feel the need to weigh into this debate with too much gusto.  Custard is better than cheesey crumpets simply because you cannot (or at least should not) pair custard with cheesey crumpets.

Fortunately for this being an anonymous survey, the yes respondents cannot be identified.  Rumour has it that if any were found to be SuperSonics, @Charles_Barkley would not be amused.

MobGov Survey 5 - @Tony_TwoTimes Needs Information Too

Future MobGov Reports will return to the adult version

Chuck bangs on the desk at the childish inclusion of @ on his antiquated typewriter not having the desired effect.  Curses and foiled again!

After falling off his chair and spitting out his cup of tea in amazement, Mezz regained his composure. 

"Me on the beautiful list, well I never!" 

Mezz goes off to raid the HQ petty cash drawer to go and buy Charles_Barkley a new typewriter. 

I have to say what this lacks in the way of squirrels and, in particular, wrath it more that makes up for in funny as fuckishness.

bravo sir.

Humu smacks the newsreport down, he was angry as hell

Still no answer to WTH Cheesey Crumpets are!!!

MobGov Special Report Telegram

humuhumunukunukuapua stop

cheesy crumpets are crumpets covered in cheese stop

a crumpet (or pikelet) is a small griddle cake made from an unsweetened batter of water or milk, flour and yeast, eaten in the United Kingdom stop covered in cheese, this abomination is known as a cheesy crumpet stop

MobGov requests that cheesy crumpets just stop...stop

Kruppe was flushed with the victorious feeling of besting another competitor (Victim?) at his pool hall (Which is 100% original & nothing like mafia golf) His most recent opponent had an air of menace about him. The waitress brings him over the latest mob gov survey report & Kruppe snatches it up in his sausage fingers.

He raises an eyebrow at the fact someone had described Evening as pleasant. 'Clearly they don't suffer under her yoke like Kind Kruppe' he muses. 

His eyes grow wide as he reads further down the page. 'Evening is Nipper in drag? Preposterous!' Fair Kruppe has had the pleasure of working for both power houses & he is almost sure they are not the same person...But then...Kruppe's face pales to the colour of milk. I have never seen them in the same room together.

Kruppe puts down the survey & goes to fetch a stiff drink.

Beetle finishes the reading while having a bowl of custard. 

Thereafter she rose up from her seat and clapped her hands saying:

"Bravo!"

Pride takes a copy of MobGov: Tony_TwoTimes special edition. As he reads over the survey, he can't help but chuckle at the toddler size bits for Tony_TowTimes. Pride finished the paper and starts to fill out the next survey for upcoming edition. As he reads over the survey questions, he noticed that the survey might be difficult for young Tony to comprehend. He notice Mr.Barkely walking down busy streets of Seattle. He shout outs to Mr.Barkley to try to catch his attention.

MR.BARKLEY! MR.BARKLEY!

Pride runs over and gets quickly stopped by Mr.Barkley security. Pride stands on his tip toes trying to speak to Mr.Barkley .Mr. Barkley gives his men the signal to relax and lets the young man from the city streets of Chicago speak.

Excuse me Mr.Barkley, I just want to know this edition was a delightful read. I'm just about to submit my answers and questions to your next survey. I do have a bit of concern though. The questions might be a bit hard for Mr.Tony_TwoTimes as we found from Don Zapata that the lad is still learning to read and write. Maybe we can make the survey possibly easier for the lad to understand? I know the alphabet can be challenging for some. I know Don Zapata had to overcome such obstacles being the face/spokes person of El Tapatio having to learn English being a native Spanish speakerl. Obviously, these men are in different calibers of standards but I'm simply just trying to look out for a fellow Chicago member.

Pride chuckles at his own sense of humor. He looks back at Mr. Barkley.

Thank you again for the enjoyable read and have a good day.

The lad heads down the street looking for place to get a cup of coffee.

Taiga grabbed a copy of the newest edition of MobGov and nodded her head in appreciation as she noticed the... special format of the publication. "What a noble effort -- trying to be inclusive to readers which fall in what I can only assume is the three-to-five-year-old demographic! That Charles_Barkley... truly a literary genius!"

She then browsed its contents quickly before reaching the sixth question, which made her face drop. "If you're not on that list, and it's a list of some gorgeous looking people, you are hanging around the wrong crowd," the paper read. She looked to her Right and her Left to check the kind of people she was hanging out with and see if it was the wrong or right crowd... well, at least MezzaninE made the cut! She then proceeded to walk towards the nearest department store to buy herself a hat and a curly wig.