Duck spent most of his time waddling around New York looking for fresh bagels or casually floating in ponds enjoying the atmosphere, but there comes a special time once a year and the long forgotten feeling of being nice to people creates a yearning deep in his webbing.

With the snow now falling and his favorite pond iced over Duck needed a new source of entertainment…

Introducing, The Fairest Writing Competition - Christmas Edition. With the year coming to a shift close we want to spread around some cheer, and money. From now until January 8th we will be accepting entries into our Christmas themed writing competition.

We will be running TWO different competitions at the same time!

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Competition #1 - A Christmas Story 

Entries should be no more than 250 words and should be Christmas/Holiday themed. Besides that you are free to write about anything you want, serious , funny, etc (as long as it is Christmas/Holiday themed). You will be judged on creativity and your storytelling prowess.

Prize Pool: 

1st Place - 75 credits

2nd Place - 50 credits

3rd Place - 25 credits

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Competition #2 - A-Caroling We Go  

Come up with a catchy jingle so we can go door to door and sing and bring cheer to the world! If singing isn’t your forte we will also be accepting poems/rhymes of the jolly variety. You will be judged on creativity and flow. Bonus points if you submit a recording(audio) of your entry. You will not be judged on the quality of your singing.

Prize Pool: 

1st Place - 75 credits

2nd Place - 50 credits

3rd Place - 25 credits

Bonus Prize - 10 credits for every recorded entry      

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Contestants are welcome to enter one or both competitions. One entry per competition per person. Cheaters will be disqualified from all future Fairest Competition events. Prizes can be paid out to next of kin with sufficient verifying information. All questions should be directed to my inbox.

The Elves that robbed....

"Issei...what the fuck are you wearing?"

Looking down at his body, the young man raised a brow, he wondered what the heck the problem was...what he was wearing festive gear.

"What!?"

"You're...WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH YOUR EARS!?"

Turning to look in the mirror, Issei smiled with his pearly teeth and flicked his elfish eas. For a moment, he shrugged looking back at his companion. 

"I have no shame-"

"OBVIOUSLY!"

Blinking, Issei just continued to move on as one of his co-conspirators continued to stare at his ears. For a moment, Issei didn't feel like he was being taken all that seriously. It certainly felt he was going to be watched throughout all of this. 

"So when we get to the houses, we do it under the pretence that we're carolling, who could deny carollers?"

"You'd be surprised. Issei, question, have you ever been carolling?" 

With wide eyes, the would-be lead elf shook his head no. Of course not, he was trying to make money, what did it matter that he had no idea what to do? He was going to stick 'em up at the first possible moment. 

"So...wait, you intend for us to scar our victims for life and ruin the holidays for them, forever?"

Shrugging, once again, Issei, the lead elf could care less and seemingly had no qualms about doing this. His associates, except one, neither cared either. 

"Hey, is that not the entire spirit of the holidays? Taking from others..."
 

Seeing as this Holiday Season is all about me, it should make sense that I am the first entrant. For I am the way, the truth and the light. Who soever believeth in me, shall have mince pies and brandy cream. So here is a nice Hymn to start us off, sang to the tune of Oh Christmas Tree.

Oh Christmas Poo, Oh Christmas Poo
Why do you smell Of Brussels Sprouts?
Oh Christmas Poo, Oh Christmas Poo
Why do you smell Of Brussels Sprouts?

You stink so bad all the time,
Farts so rough, they are a crime.
Oh Stinky bum, O Christmas poo
Why do you smell Of Brussels Sprouts?

Let us all remember as we assault the senses
Of our family and friends and loved ones
The real and true meaning of Christmas.
Ice cold Toilet paper and baby wipes.

Oh Christmas Poo, Oh Christmas Poo
Why do you smell Of Brussels Sprouts?
Oh Christmas Poo, Oh Christmas Poo
Why do you smell Of Brussels Sprouts?

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle all the way.
I need to hide from JenBarber,
she vented in Medbay'
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
Jingle all the way.
Buying Suits from Geek,
Sending credits to make his day.

Making spirits Bright, 
What fun it is to gamble
all your creds away' 
Betting 1 Credit at a time,
Trying to beat Gunny,
Although he's CL now,
Losing creds aint funny.

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle all the way,
I hope this song made you smile
as it took me under a day :)

Cristmas EVE'      heard such a noise downstairs,,,   and a big red suit putting present's under my tree..as for leaving Santa sat. Drank his milk and ate a cookie ,how good it was .Then up the chimney he sprung,single gingle bells.

Humming down the street listening to other caroller', Velvet hum's

Dashing through the street’s
Trying to make ends meat
Crew’s on the go
Laughing all the way, Hey!
Goomba’s stealing Local Rings
Make Wisey’s wanna fight
Don’s & Capo’s flipping coke
Sing this song tonight

Jingle bell’s  Jingle Bell's

Local Don Smell’s 
His Lefty laid an egg
Righty’s lost their wheel
And the CA got away Hey!
 

Twas the night before Christmas and all round the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

Cos I stoved it's fucking mousey head in, killed the occupants and looted the place.

squirrels fucking rule.

Walking the street’s seeing store’s decorated shop fronts, light’s flickering, a boozy smelling Santa on every third or forth corner, rattling their bells, carollers singing way out of tune. This was Christmas in Philly. The only Christmas she knew.

She approaches a good friend’s store of home ware’s, the bell chimes as she pushes the door open, met with a warm smile.

“Monique How are you and the family?" Taking her hat and coat off, giving her friend a warm hug and an sincere smile.

"Ello Vel nice to see you, its been awhile we are well, I know this time of year is hard for you, every year you buy things for the orphanage or donating to the homeless shelter... dear why keep it hidden?...”

Velvet sighs and pulls up the stool next to the counter.

“Monny...with so many hard arse Mafioso’s out there I can’t let them see my weakness, One thing growing up as an orphan is the spirit of Christmas is non existent the nun's struggle to have adequate food on the table for those kids, let alone anything else being a secret Santa is fun, the joy I can hear upon my local strolls is all the magic I need for me to strive to better the city of philly...”

Looking up at Monique with her eye’s filled with happiness, she pulls money out of her top pocket to pay the bill and then some.

“Merry Christmas dear friend...care to be my elf?"

A Mafia's Silent Night

Silent night, Cold ass night
All is quiet, all is dark

'Round yon corner the suspect
and body so stiff and bloody,
Sleep with the fishes all in pieces
Sleep with fishes  all in pieces 
 

Silent night, Cold ass night
Civilians shake at the sight

Glorious streams of blood 
from here to there
Hell he saw me yelled the crook.
Damn I'll have to kill  one more
Damn I'll have to kill one more

Silent night, cold ass night
This new body is now,
laying in the light  
Radiant streams of blood streaming 
on the street from both these bodies

May my soul be at peace
May my soul be at peace

Silent night, cold ass night
All is quiet, all is dark

'Round yon corner the suspect
and body so stiff and bloody,
Sleep with the fishes all in pieces
Sleep with fishes  all in pieces 

Could this be it? The day that Azathoth was waiting for his entire life? Ever since he was a primordial boy there were tales of the creature of cheer that would be known as Santa, and a pretty penny would most likely be paid for proof of his existence. Think of how much money just one picture would sell for on the news markets?

Sffft sfffft.

Through the chimney with glee had always been one of the descriptors of how this man likes to descend into homes and so thinking fast and with the mind of a businessman, he had laid out a bribe of sorts for the jolly old man-- cookies, and not just any cookies, but those laced with a bit more than just holiday happiness.

Sfffffft sfffffffffft.

The shuffling down the rooftop was getting louder and louder as the Claus himself fought through the nooks and crannies of the old home and he would be spat out any moment now. There it was, a foot of some sort making its way down and surely the rest of the body would make it through any second now.

Skeeeech skeeech skeeeech.

Instead of Santa however there was a different sort of present making its way down. It was a small housing of rats who had apparently laid their nest inside the chimney and weren't happy with all of the different ways Azathoth had used to coax the fat man down-- oh well, there's always next year.

Twelvetide

“12 drums??”

An unexpected call, Jack would now have to find somewhere to store 12 drums of olive oil. A stock order gone wrong. He hung up and continued to look over his selection of pipes, of which he had 11. A commotion from the tavern however drew his attention. Downstairs was an unruly crowd of 10 well-dressed men bounding around. Dancing between them, 9 rather comely girls. He approached Ethan.

“Bachelor party.” Commented the barman. “Oh, and that milk order is arriving at 8.”

Jack nodded, when the door abruptly swung open and Elle Ott dove inside. The wind slammed the door closed.

“Something has to be done about those swans.” She grumbled. There was 7 of them terrorising the pier. Jack considered plucking them for Christmas dinner, like the 6 geese that lay on the cellar floor.

The phone in the bar rang, Ethan groaned. “That’s 5 times I’ve had to listen to that ring, some bird has called 4 times for…”

On cue, Jean Ralphio burst through the door. Flurries of feathers followed him as 3 hens he clutched furiously flapped to be freed. 2 doves, attracted by the warmth, stole the opportunity to follow him in. Dancing ladies screamed, leaping men roared.

“They’re supposed to be dead!!” Jack blurted while motioning towards the cellar.

Ralphio shrugged and passed into the bar. Jack, exasperated, slumped into an armchair next to Ghostbuster. He grinned at Jack and whispered a quiet song.

“…and a partridge in a pear tree…”

I am loving the entries so far! There is still plenty of time to get your submissions in to the competitions!

Don't forget you can enter one or both of the competitions! There is no reason to limit your creativity this holiday season!

As always if you have any questions feel free to mail me directly!

On a cold, but beautiful starry Christmas night I stare at the moon and then to my left I see my beautiful fiance Carla staring at the stars above....she slowly turns her head towards me and her gorgeous eyes put me in a daze and it reminds me of the day we met and how I fell in love with her...Christmas is about being with the people you care for the most and this woman said it all one day I would ask this girl to marry me. One day I want to see that huge smile on her face, but until that happened gazing into her eyes was my hope haha however I ended up throwing a snowball at her and I absolutely demolished her and after I tackled her we gazed into each other's eyes and said "Merry Christmas" and leaned in for a kiss just the thought got me hard, but as payback she hit me with a snowball and now I had to fight with a hard di-

                                                                            Saw My Mother Kissing Santa Clause

I saw mommy kissing Santa under the mistletoe last night,

She didnt see me creeping,

while I hid out of sight,

she thought I was sleeping,

so she banged him right there under the Christmas light,

Then I saw mommy tickle Santa Clause,

under his snowy white beard,

I heard santa choke,

making a sound that was very weird,

I saw a man who looked evil walk outside afoot,

he peered threw the glass,

and took only a very quick look,

as he made his way inside,

Santa made a startling quiver,

only to look upon the man,

while my mother stabbed Santa in the liver,

20 years later

it has been many years since,

i saw my mother take a life,

not just any ol soul,

but she stabbed santa with a knife,

i saw the same man,

that stood above while she did,

knock at my door,

with an envelope he slid,

It contained a picture,

with Santa and my mother,

covered in snow,

and he was in the front,

with words writ below,

"your father was santa,

as your mother is a whore,

I am your brother,

come with me,

and wonder no more.......

" For the love of God, will you SHUT THE FUCK UP " my father yelled at me. He always yells at me when I tell him what I want for Christmas.

" but Dad, I just want my own gun..... PLEASE, PLEASE PLEA--- JEESUS CHRIST, YUP, I will get you a gun for Christmas if it will make you shut your annoying ass up. You happy now "

"yesssss, thank you daddy"  As I go back to my room my head spins in disbelief. This Christmas is going to be the BEST.

My life has been hell, my mother died when I was very young. My dad has taken care of me ( If that's what you want to call it) since I was just a boy. He always yells at me and makes me very unhappy. I want to just run away sometimes and not even be here.

                         CHRISTMAS DAY__________

I rolled out of bed after getting all the sleepies out of my eyes, and ran downstairs..... there was only one present under the fireplace. We are poor so we don't have a tree, just a stocking hooked on the fireplace.

"Dad , you got me a present !!!! " I yelled        "   Yes boy I did. I spent every last dollar on it too" He replied

Except I knew he was lying, he spent all his extra money he had on Alcohol. He was a drunk. And when he was drunk he would hit me if I made him angry.

"Thank you daddy" as I ran to my room, just where he wants me to be. Out of the way.

That night is when I made the choice never to get beat again, or get yelled at. I will never deal with my fathers bullshit again.....I loaded that gun and went down to the Livingroom where my father was watching t.v and said " hey dad can you show me how you would aim this and shoot it,? I feel like I am doing it wrong." ( he always wanted to feel like he knew everything so I knew he would want to show me)" he said well you would want to hold the stock up to your shoulder and put your eye up to the scope and you would squeeze the trigger. " no that's not how you would do it dad. show me not tell me how to do it, like you was aiming at me" so he held the gun up and aimed it at me just like he said and squeezed the trigger and BANG. I dropped to the floor with blood gushing from my head.

RECAP: like I said I would never deal with my dads abuse again. but how would he feel living with the guilt and being in jail for the rest of his life thinking about killing his son on Christmas night. now that's evil 

Only a few hours left to submit to the competition!

Get those last minute entries in and win yourself some money! Great effort from everyone so far and would love to see what everyone else can do!

I apologize for the delay. Submissions are now CLOSED and we will be reviewing all the entries and passing out winnings soon. Thanks to everyone who took the time to participate.

Tammy listened to Duck as he closed his competition and added a short line

I hereby would like to offer the winner of either of the two competitions a free bowl of custard as an extra price!

She smiled and as she saw some puzzled faces, she immediately wondered why she had come out to say so..
She didn't even know if the winner would like it smooth or with intensive flavour taste sensation clumps, although she assumed it would be the latter, as she expected the winner to be an established person with refined taste anyhow..