Chuckley Knuckling

This Issue is dedicated to our dear friend, Brent Johnson (June 4th - July 5th), taken far too young.

We're baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack.

That's right! Your favourite Chicago Boss and his team of untalented hacks are making a triumphant return!!

However, I'm making some changes to the anticipated content and previous format of this publication, in order to prevent any further interruptions. These are outlined below:

No N.O.

We will not be mentioning New Orleans within this publication, just to prevent any potential developments or disagreements there. If something should happen in New Orleans, it may as well have been on Mars to me, as I won't be commenting on it. We understand their position and we wish them all the best in their future endeavours.

No DWL.

I'm not going to have a "Death Wish List" anymore, as this is too controversial and I don't want to ruffle any feathers. That is not what I'm about and I certainly will not produce a personal hitlist.

No abuse.

I'm also not going to be targeting anyone or singling anyone out for abuse - that just isn't our style. You are safe from any mockery within these pages folks!

No offense.

We won't talk about the stupid things people do that annoy us, nor will we incorporate any expletives, offensive language or anything, which may possibly be construed as controversial within our articles.

No nothing.

What we will be doing is posting the news. Exactly as it happens. We will just provide you with a direct route to the events. Consider us to be your paper boy, handing you the newspaper. We'll find it and regurgitate it unchanged into your mouth.

...wait, what?

That sounds...well...sh*t.

No, shit, even.

Who's going to want to read that boring piece of ass? Not me, that's for fucking sure. I certainly wouldn't want to produce something so mind numbingly dull, that an afternoon locked in a room with Augustus seems preferable by comparison, would I?

Damn right I wouldn't. So, I guess I'll have another go at that introduction then?

Best had.

Alrighty.

Ahem.

Chuckle clears throat.

Like the stray dog that follows you home, yapping delightedly, before nipping your heels, defecating in your favourite pair of shoes and incurring your wrath, The Chuckle Knuckle is back on the shelves! This was no easy decision for me, but then again seeing as I passed the baton to all of you fine folk and the best that could be conjured up in my absence was Crawford pining for a guitar or something else boring amidst lots of yadda, yadda, yadda, in the latest of his highly originally entitled "Crawford Chronicles", I decided it would be best for everyone if I returned from the shadows. I've got EvilClown- in tow, largely out of sympathy for his lack of friends and partly out of hatred for you all. Especially Findus-Man.

As I said, we're back, but we aren't the same mild mannered, even tempered, dollop of delight and well wishes that we used to be. Oh no. We've hitched up our britches, puffed out our chest and starting shouting "THERE'S GONNA BE SOME CHANGES AROUN' 'ERE !!!" in our best hick voice. Basically we sound like Alexander. Except more intelligent, which goes without saying - a brick has more going on upstairs than that buffoon.

What are those changes going to be? Well, at this point I suppose you've gathered that the previous list was horseshit. As if I'm going to stop pointing out your idiocy. As if I'm going to stop abusing those people who deserve it and most importantly, as if I'm going to stop conducting divinations in a bid to get you all killed.

However, despite my previous reluctance to do this and omit one city in particular, I have been swayed. I will now neglect to mention the activities and goings on in New Orleans. I know what you're thinking, "how will you manage to find content for the articles?!" A challenge, but we'll pull through. Here at the Chuckle Knuckle we have the plucky fighting spirit of a terminal patient and the eternal optimism of innocent, wide-eyed children.

"Why have you folded like a deckchair on your vow not to return to publication?" I hear you cry.

Interesting question, anonymous MafiaReturner. Is my ego that big that I would sacrifice my principles in light of a little praise from the general populous?

Yes.

Yes it is.

What can I say? I'm a sucker for public adoration.

~C~

Horrorscopes
by Knuckle (RIP)

Capricorn
(22nd December - 19th January)

The colour red is important to you. This is because you're going to get tomato ketchup squirted at you during a 5 year olds birthday party (none of the children present do you know or are you related to) and lose sight in one eye. You'll look like a homosexual Cyclops. People will take to calling you SpuffWaffle given this resemblance.

Aquarius
(20th January - 18th February)

A work colleague needs a favour. They ask you to cover for them so they can bang their girlfriend. You'll agree. Their girlfriend is your wife and they'll use your pillow on the wet spot.

Pisces
(19th February - 20th March)

The strongest tree grows from the smallest acorn. However in your case Pisces, you're the acorn that the squirrel stole and ate, then spat back out because it was such a vile piece of shit. You'll grow into nothing except a perpetual disappointment.

Aries
(21st March - 19th April)

You've developed a sickness. You're going to be blind, deaf and dumb. You will lose all sense of the reality. You will no longer be able to communicate in any way or engage with the world at all. The general consensus is that this is a big improvement, you lucky bastard.

Taurus
(20th April - 20th May)

One good turn deserves another. Except when you're dancing with EvilClown-, in which case any turn is foreplay prior to him raping you. Try to avoid his Thursday night disco.

Gemini
(21st May - 21st June)

A handsome stranger will approach you this week. Unfortunately, he's carrying a knife and he's going to approach your heart with it too.

Cancer
(22nd June - 22nd July)

Listening is an important skill to a successful life. Now listen to the squeals coming from your sister's bedroom. I'm coming to your room afterwards.

Leo
(23rd July - 22nd August)

Never engage in idle rumour or gossip. Those are my areas of expertise and I'll cut off your nuts and torture you, just like I did to Sweeney. He was a neurosurgeon before I had my way with him. Now he's a blathering fool. Do you want to end up like him? Well, do you?!

Virgo
(23rd August - 22nd September)

Music is the food of the soul. Unfortunately fat mobsters are the food for SexyBeast's soul and he's got his eye on you. The invitation to his apartment on Saturday is exclusive, despite his assurances of the 'loads of other people' being there.

Libra
(23rd September - 22nd October)

Your career is going to be destroyed by a sex scandal, which you had no part in. After all, who would fuck you? You ugly bastard.

Scorpio
(24th October - 21st November)

You're going to become a well rounded individual, Scorpio. Oh wait, you're already a fat cunt. Never mind, nothing here for you this week.

Sagittarius
(22nd November - December 21st)

Standing up for your beliefs will make others notice you. Unfortunately, your beliefs are for the sanctity of the marriage between a man and his shoes, in which case you should sit the fuck down.

Things That Have Been Annoying Me
by Chuckle

Understandably and perfectly reasonably given the length of time between our issues, you've all been yammering away doing all those annoying things that you do and mistake for being cool. Fortunately for you, the Knuckle is back and we've got on our stomping boots, ready to grind your irritating habits down to dust.

1. Posting that something is OOC (even if it isn't) and adding nothing in the process

Despite my continued efforts, some of you continue to be obsessed by this. All too often, some wise cracking (in their own opinion) gangster sidles up to a conversation, listens to it all and then drops a verbal turd like:

With all due respect, this should be in OOC

What is the point of you adding that? If you feel that it belongs in the OOC, walks your little legs on over to one of the Gods mailboxes and deposit a polite request to have it moved. You're adding absolutely nothing to that discussion and in actual fact; you're detracting even further from what is already there.

What's worse still is when people do this and it isn't even OOC! No-one embodied this little fiasco quite so well as -iocaste in dear old Chuckle's discussion several days ago. Sadly, we're going to have to paraphrase what he said, given that it got whipped away, but it was something along the lines of:

Although I've only conjured up the effort to speak 13 times prior to this over the course of my entire life, I'm desperately trying to bring you down a peg and I'm going to try and score some laughs/points by getting this moved to the OOC. Since February, which is when I started but subsequently got demoted for bodyguards, I've had absolutely no presence to speak of, yet I still feel obligated to point my perceived observation out. This isn't for the benefit of the community at large, because let's face it what actual harm would this be doing in the Streets even if it was actually OOC? Even though I'm actually wrong and this isn't OOC at all, I think I'm going to make this little number my 14th contribution in approximately 5 months. I'm not going to waste anyone's time by actually responding to this though, don't make me laugh! Thanks guys, you're the best!

That's what I saw anyway.

The conclusion? If you've got nothing to add, don't open your stupid mouth.

2. A deluded sense of entitlement

Some people seem to believe that they are entitled to things here. Sometimes this is an automatic invite, others a position in a structure and occasionally getting the nod to setup on your own. When they don't get their own way, there is much stamping of feet, throwing of toys and time required on the naughty step. Whilst these tantrums are fairly amusing to watch, I'm getting tired of them and would prefer if people just wised the fuck up instead.

I would like to tell you a story about a champion by the name of Kade. He came from an extremely established bloodline, with routes stemming back into the old country and beyond. His ancestors had held nearly every position within this thing of ours but not the big one. His father had waited patiently for the opportunity, as did his father before him. Most important however, is the fact that he learned from those who came before him and he accumulated knowledge in how to operate successfully. Therefore when his time came, he was actually ready for it and became one of the better leaders that my bloodline had the honour to serve alongside.

He didn't piss and moan when he was waiting, he was patient and he learned his trade. He learned his trade well and was more patient than the majority of the people here. Accordingly, when presented with the opportunity after continued hard work, he flourished.

The moral of this story? 90% of leaders are not ready to run a family when they are given the opportunity to do so. The best leaders have several years of experience and long established history, from which they learn. Kade himself admitted that his ancestors probably weren't ready for the chance had they been given it. With hindsight, I accept that some of my ancestors weren't ready for it and they did have years of experience behind them. Whilst some of you piss and moan that you're passed over, genuinely look at yourself and consider whether you are worthy. When you are, other people will look at you and see the same thing. This goes for all aspects of MafiaReturns, not just a Boss or Capo, but a RHM, HSL or LHM as well. These positions carry with them an implicit requirement for an understanding of the politics that are lost on so many people.

Rather than wondering why some people are repeatedly entrusted with positions, approach them, study them and learn from them. Nobody expects you to swagger out of the womb knowing everything there is to know about everything. Equally however, when you're in the spotlight you are expected to know what to do and it takes time to accumulate the skill set necessary to succeed.

Stop pretending you're ready and FYI a clear indication of not being ready is crying about being ready but being overlooked.

3. Overtly Aggressive Quotes

We all like to think of ourselves as tough. Most of us recognise this as pointless posturing and rarely get our dicks out for the measuring contest, whilst some people have to throw their nuts on the table for everyone to get a good long look at. I have no real problem with either approach, who doesn't like to look at another man's genitalia after all? My issue is when people have pointless threats or display needless aggression in their quote, which they have no real reason to display or any means of enforcing.

If Roman charged round with:

Pickpocket me and I will kill you.

Then I would be suitably certain that my end was going to follow should I pickpocket him. If JohnnyNoName has something similar on the other hand, forgive me for not being terrified.

If you've got a problem about something, don't bitch about it in your quote - do something about it.

You pussy.

Midget Cock punching Mafiosos
by EvilClown-

Midget Cock punching Mafiosos are a small yet numerous group of midget fundamentalists who threaten the genitals of countless "normals" to advance their Mafioso agenda. Their tactics are surprisingly effective, since they tend to target high ranking figures (and specifically their cocks) more than random targets, taking advantage of the self-serving nature of the average Don.

Midget Cock punching Mafiosos use their tiny stature to hide in places 'normals' would never consider checking. Pulpits and soap boxes with secret compartments are common hiding places that have left numerous high and low ranked Mafioso's vulnerable to penile assault.

The Midget Cock punching Mafiosos' greatest asset is a large crowd that conceals them until they can get within cock punching distance.

Another common ploy is the one-midget-stands-on-another's-shoulders-and they-hide-under-big-raincoat trick, famously employed against MrVengeances' cock last week (see below).

It was noted that MrVengeance- did not even flinch.  Whether that is the fact -Six- had ridden his cock into numbness or, as some are suggesting, MrVengeance- is in fact a eunuch.  It would certainly explain his high pitched whiney voice.

Dressing up as children, large dogs, and ewoks is yet another tactic used to deceive anti-midget security. Recent intelligence also suggests they use even more sophisticated disguises, such as inanimate objects like fire hydrants, low-lying shrubbery, or garden gnomes.

It bears noteworthy attention that the Midget Cock punching Mafiosos are not to be confused with the Sack tapping Tap Dancers. While the Sack tapping Tap Dancers have been blamed for a number of genital related injuries, they are not Mafiosos but religious midget fundamentalists.

Notable Groin Assaults

• MrVengeance-: Suffers a serious midget-related penis injury inflicted by two midgets disguising themselves as a 'normal' by using a long trench coat. While making a trademark smooth-yet-misogynistic comment at the top half, a flurry of tiny hands flew forth from under the coat, pummelling his pelvis. Several years from now, complications related to this injury will lead to his death while performing a lap dance in a gay bar.
• LoveGun: A midget using scuba gear and a swamp beaver costume assaults LoveGun while she is canoeing. LoveGun manages to fend off the midget by pummelling it with her oars. The assailant was arrested and confessed to being hired by beavers attempting to destroy already strained Beaver / Philly New York relations. 
• Marionette: As Marionette left the Hilton Hotel in Chicago, a midget hiding in a suitcase delivered six jabs to the groin of the Capo and three of her none existent bodyguards.
• AlabamWorley: Miss Worley's crotch is assaulted by a squad of 30 midgets while on a ski vacation in the Scottish highlands. The damage transforms his her once-rich baritone voice into a high nasal buzz. However when speaking no one ever understood what she was talking about, so there is no significant difference here. The midgets have not been caught and Worley's voice will never fully recover.
• Crawford:  He was mobbed by an elite gang of Midget Cock punching Mafioso's hired by one of Ozan's French Assassin Gangs. He endures extreme injury to the groinal area, and is lucky to escape with his life. Unfortunately we cannot say the same about his testes.
• Guiseppe: During a 'Why am I a Falure?' conference he was guest lecturing at, Guiseppe was taken completely by surprise with a groin uppercut from his podium, followed by a haymaker to the right testicle. The Ginger Afghani midget is quickly subdued, and sent to Gazman's school of excellence for misbehaving midgets.

Since Our Last Issue...
by Chuckle

I'd like to say that loaaaaaaaaaaaads of shit has been going down and bang up lots of pieces about them, but eh...it hasn't. Things have been quieter than a party for Symbiote and all his friends. Still, we're troopers here at the Knuckle and we're not going to let you down without commenting on the various activities which we've been bombarded with in the absence of your beloved Chuckle Knuckle.

Mob News

Inspiration comes in many forms. For some, they find it in the laughter of their children, others find it in the support of their spouse, whilst for me, there's nothing more majestic than a Sweeney paper. Usually I would come out here and perforate 'Mob News' into little tiny pieces, but there was nothing I didn't love about it. The interview with SexyBeast, the apologies and complete lack of detail - glorious. This was summed up most eloquently by a member of SexyBeast's own family, Augustus:

WOW. Just wow. Mob News is so good, I haven't stopped reading it since it hit the shelves. I really think Sweeney is a talented writer and he is probably my hero in this world. I wish I knew him better, although he must have loads of friends already, being so bloody awesome at this. God, can you believe how great the paper is? I would really like his autograph.

The Tabloid News XLIII

Sliding under the radar this week was Mr Pickles' production 'The Tabloid News'. It received a mammoth two responses, with interest in Bonzo being lonely outpacing it thus far. We gave it a precursory glance, but seeing LoveGun was present and given her well known infatuation with our beloved Chuckle, he had to hot tail it out of there before she got her rum-stained, gauntleted claws into him.

Bonzo is Lonely

A tragic tale. A friend of ours was feeling lonely and in what can only be considered to be a desperate cry for attention, he was offering money anyone who was willing to strike up conversation with him. Luckily for him, several greedy bastards turned up to mooch some dollars from his wallet and he was regaled with tales of EvilClown's inbreeding, Alexander's complete inability to do anything correctly and Augustus' class. Other people may have said things too, but I generally lose track unless it is about me.

A word made, is a word kept

This was Slim_Tony's disjointed tale of freedom for a prisoner that turned into concern for the man who was refusing to release the prisoner. Despite being a fairly generic, if non-linear story, what made it noteworthy was Kingpin's heartfelt and deeply exploratory response:

A word made,is a word kept.

good title.

Truly a well thought and engaging critique.

We await part 2 with baited breath, as I'm sure Kingpin does, if only for the next title.

New Territory

This was a great way to conclude a burgeoning piece. After some tense build up, a guest appearance by yours truly and much dithering and dilly dallying, LoveGun shoots one guy in the foot and they all run off. I would like to offer my congratulations to Crawford for concluding this masterpiece so perfectly. Nothing felt less forced and more appropriately placed than this ending. Bravo.

I am interested to see if anyone can remember the last time one of these things actually got finished, rather than either fucked off half way through or tied up with a pretty ill fitting bow a la New Territory.

Fine work all the same.

Richard Paynes M.D. - Mafia Returns Agony Aunt Column
by EvilClown-

Devoted readers, over the last few weeks I have been receiving your various medical complaints and studying your various woes. My sack has been full to bursting and to relieve its burden, it has been decided that some of the more interesting aliments and life complications I receive would be shared with you all. This is done in the hope that if you are suffering from a similar experience or life style conundrum, a parallel can be with the examples below and therefore help you to move on with your life!

Every letter printed below is real and unchanged from the original context within which it was written. They have been represented for you, exactly as they have been received. I am not like some sort of faux agony aunt, who just makes up problems to gain undeserved plaudits!

If you are experiencing trouble in your life of crime, which is in no way similar to those below, then please do not hesitate to mail Mr Chuckle (editor) and I am sure he will pass them on for my scrutiny and subsequent response.

Well here goes:

To: Richard Paynes M.D.
From: MrVengeance-

Dear Dick,

RE: Bum Sex, Is it for me?

I have been with my partner, -Six-, for eleven months. At first she was really romantic; we would go out for a pizza and to the cinema (especially when it was a 2 for 1 offer) and she would pay for me and treat me like her little prince.

Recently she has been spending more and more time looking at strange magazines and quite frankly is getting some funny ideas. Now she wants to start doing me up the bum and I don't know what to do, I still love her but I am an arse virgin! What should I do?

'MrV-'

To: MrVengeance-
From: Richard Paynes M.D.

RE: Bum Sex, Is it for me?

Dear, dear 'MrV-', you poor thing!

Those magazines have a lot to answer for. Women around the world are looking at these magazines pretending to be interested in the celebrity gossip; however these so called celebrities are up to mischievous things and they can't help but get ideas! They are then expecting their partners to participate in these amateurish attempts at sexual perversion, which is the problem!

I have produced a helpful leaflet called "Bum sex - is it for me?", which should help you to decide whether you should go through with it.

It really boils down to a question of trust. Do you trust her to stop when you tell her to? Do you trust her to do it properly? Most importantly, do you trust her not to announce that she has deflowered your anus down at the local bingo hall? If you can answer yes to all of these questions and the idea appeals to you, then go ahead.

If on the other hand, you think that your girlfriend is an idiot who can't even change a toilet roll, you wouldn't trust her as far as you could throw her and as far as you can tell her mates all know already that she is trying to do you up the bum; then don't go there. Save yourself for someone better!

Let's face it, women are mostly idiots and will always be asking for things that you are unable to give them; your undying love, threesomes, dinner on the table every night, expecting you to find them attractive after either pints, the list goes on!

Just add it to the things she wants but is never going to get.

Much Love,

Dick.

To: Richard Paynes M.D.
From: Tarbh

Dear Dick,

RE: Showing My True Colours

Remember that fat ginger orphan at school? The one that was adopted by rampant homosexuals? Well, that's me. My whole school life was devoted to trying to remain anonymous. I was the one hiding in the toilets when the school captains were choosing who would compete at sports day, or the music teacher was looking for 'volunteers' for the school play - anything to stop the general populace from seeing what I look like! I am ashamed.

The abuse I got as a teenager was constant. All through my adult life I have suffered the same fate. I cannot go out in public without the local street bums mocking the way I look. The only saving grace I have is to wear this grey plastic bag over my head. I have 2 eye holes cut out of it to enable me to find my way to the pie shop without tripping over the obstacles complete strangers regularly put in my path. I feel as though I am ostracized for the way I look and so choose to wear the least conspicuous suit I can find in the hope of blending in to the background. However, inside, like my adoptive parents, I feel as though I would like to explode upon the world in a myriad of colour and happiness.

What can I do to raise my self esteem and express the real me to the world?

'T'

To: Tarbh
From: Richard Paynes M.D.

Dear T,

RE: Showing My True Colours

I feel your pain! Ugliness and low self esteem are a terrible cancer on your soul, but help is at hand!

The only way you will be able to express your self freely and gain in confidence is to express yourself without fear of ridicule. To remain dressed in shame must be hard, but with your life history in showing off your radiant self through gay colour, it must be even harder. You have come to the right place. I know there are many MANY tailors out there who will be glad to offer you their services for free, just for a mention in this esteemed publication. I've spoken to Chuckle and we'll help you out and this is a call to all you guys out there:

TARBH NEEDS A MAKE OVER!

For each and every offer a tailor makes to him you will be rewarded. The best examples will be displayed in the next issue and receive a prize from Chuckle. Consider this free advertising, Tarbh! Your days of slouching around in the twilight are over! Dick Payne has made this his personal crusade to help you out of your melancholy!

Much love and kisses,

Dick.

To: Richard Paynes M.D.
From: Crawford

Hello Richard,

RE: Drugs Are Bad

My Dad was a heavy drug user in my youth and has pretty much mashed up his brain. He has a poor memory and often rambles on about 'how he is the best one man duelling banjoist in the county'. He still smokes weed daily, and these so called drug experts who say that 'Cannabis is harmless' should come take a look at my old man - he is wasted!

Because of the state of him, and the fact that my hippy-esque burlesque momma, is equally as freaky and mostly stoned as a trout with a bicycle, I am firmly against drug use. I don't even take paracetamol. My sole vice is listening to Paul Simon over and over whilst strumming my beloved 2 string guitar every night.

My problem is that I would like to go into politics, and I want to campaign strongly against illegal drugs whilst bestowing upon the populace my love of twanging the banjo string. Will my parents count against me?

Love you,

No Name C.

To: Crawford
From: Richard Paynes M.D.

Dear No Name C,

RE: Drugs Are Bad

You are an amazing person. You have risen from the drug-infested hovel of your parents lives, into a fine drug-free young man. It is a miracle. Your parents should never be allowed to hold you back, because you are a wonderful human being!

Politics can be a dirty game and should you become a politician the gutter press may pick up on your background and seek to discredit you with it. Instead, use it to your advantage. Tell the world how you suffered in the crack-den of your youth, through the haze of psychedelic fumes, where your drug-abusing parents failed to nurture you.

Be a beacon of light in a dark, dark world, which is slipping ever further into a drug abusing and dismal place. Or alternatively, have your parents shot now so that they will be long gone before you become an MP. I know a man that knows a man who may be able to help you out. It is an extreme way of stamping out drug abuse, but we need extreme measures in the current climate.

Even the so called drug experts are going soft on the drug-abusers. Cannabis and ecstasy are safer than beer and fags? Yeah right! Have you ever seen a hippy driving safely? Didn't think so - it has never happened. But there are plenty of people smoking fags safely whilst driving aren't there? And what could be nicer than a quiet pint down the pub? Certainly not dropping a few tabs and dancing the night away in a night club in Ibiza, where it costs 26 quid for a plastic bottle full of local river water. THUD, THUD, THUD, THUD, goes the music and the beat of drug infused teenage hearts. I would much rather take my Labrador to the local and have a nice calm drink by the fire. Civilised and legal, that's the way I like to take drugs.

If you want I can arrange for your parents to go into rehab. However I know this may be a hard choice for you at the moment. Your mum would not be there to bring your TV dinners up to you in your bedroom and you may even be forced to go outside. This would be a 'kill or cure' for them and would completely exonerate you of any blame should they pop their clogs whilst going cold turkey.

<3

Love you,

Dick.

To: Richard Paynes M.D.
From: Klasky

Dear Dick,

RE: Domestic Violence.

My wife 'Alabama' has started beating me. She accuses me of having a gay relationship with my best friend 'Isacaron' and kicks and punches me relentlessly. I don't know where to turn for help. I know there are women's refuges, but are there men's refuges too?

It all started after she came home one night early from work and found me wearing one of her nighties. She hit the roof and punched me square in the face. I was too ashamed to tell anyone what really happened and instead pretended that I had been in a fight at the pub. Since then it has escalated and I dread her coming home and fear her the most when she has been drinking buckfast.

I don't understand why she thinks that abusing me like this is a good idea, or how she even thought of doing it in the first place!

Please, please help me,

'Classkey'

To: Klasky
From: Richard Paynes M.D.

Dearest Classkey,

RE: Domestic Violence.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation, it must be terrible. Your wife seems to be taking her frustrations out on you in a physical and illegal way. Make no mistake; what she is doing is against the law, even in Scotland! She could face a prison sentence.

You have to get the police involved in a situation like this, or you must move to a place of safety before she harms you any more or even murders you! Do not stay there without help from the police! If you can't face going to the police, then get out immediately. Move in with 'Isacaron' and confide in him about what has happened. He'll understand.

There is no justification for what she is doing. I can't see where she would get an idea like this - who would tell her to beat her husband? It is absurd. Just because she thinks you're a nightie-wearing fudge-packer doesn't give her the right to beat the crap out of you.

All my love and best wishes,

Dick Payne. Xxx

To: Richard Payne M.D.
From: AlabamaWorley

Ock aye tho nooo Dick,

RE: Sexuality (unsure of someone else's)

I am worried that my husband is gay. He wears a peach coloured smock and he is always texting his friend 'Isacaron'. They went to see Brokeback Mountain together when the film came out and since then their relationship has changed, and so has ours.

He is distant from me and we hardly ever make love. He seems to spend more time texting his friend than he does talking to me. He hardly notices me now, even when I make big effort with nice clothes and new underwear.

When I came home early from work last week, I found him and 'Isacaron' stripped to their waists in the garden. They said that they were gardening - uphill gardening more like! My husband was using his friend as a wheelbarrow, or so it seemed to me. I don't want to know what the neighbours must think.

What should I do Dick? I'm at my wits end. Should I confront him and risk losing him, or should I wait and hope this phase will pass?

Thank you for your help,

A-bam.

To: AlabamaWorley
From: Richard Paynes M.D.

A-bam,

RE: Sexuality (unsure of someone else's)

You must talk to your husband to get the bottom of this, excuse the pun!

He may be unsure of his sexuality and experimenting with his friend, or it could be that your marriage is going through a difficult patch and his sexuality remains unchanged. Ask him directly and talk to him about your marriage problems, even suggest going for counselling as this might help!

If he is gay then you must consider your options - do you want to reamain married to a sausage jockey? Are you furious that he has duped you into marrying him, whilst all along he has been secretly eyeing up men's bottoms? Is he bum-chums with 'Isacaron'? How are you going to get even with him? Should you become a butch lesbian, beat him up, or beat him and 'Isacaron' up together?

Try to remain calm when those murderous thoughts enter your mind. Homophobia is not attractive, even when you re the injured party! Many gays have previously been married and many people have experienced the emotions that you are now going through.

If he isn't gay then you must talk through your marital problems and both work to resolve your difficulties. Get professional help, if at all possible.

Good luck A-Bam

Dick xxx.

Chuckle Knuckle Competition

This week, we are looking for you to get out your tape measures, scissors and sewing kit and design our friend Tarbh a nice new suit. You can tell from his profile alone that this man is desperate for a new suit and his pals at the Chuckle Knuckle won't let him down!

We have the following prizes on offer, in the following categories:

Best Suit Produced - $100,000

This is for the artists and those who excel in the tailoring industry. We are looking for your fine craftsmanship for our buddy Tarbh!

Worst Suit - $100,000

This is for the shabbiest looking piece of shit that we get sent. If you wouldn't even let your least favourite uncle get buried in this suit, then this category is for you!

Funniest Suit - $150,000

Tarbh's a joker with a killer sense of humour and we want that to be epitomised by his suit. Amuse us!

Most Offensive Suit - $150,000

When it is dark and nobody else is around, Tarbh likes to slip into something more comfortable, which would frankly get him beaten up or laughed at. Produce the most offensive threads and send it over to win this prize!

Bonus Suit - $1,000,000

This is for anyone who can include the following things into one suit without it looking like a piece of shit: A giraffe, an old woman, a $10 bill and an orange pair of pants.

Tarbh is waiting to be fitted out, so please send your entries in to Chuckle!

The Chuckle Knuckle Declares War - Raptor

Here at the Chuckle Knuckle we know that nothing brings about activity and excitement like a good old war. If the heads of our cities are not willing to bring this to you, then you can count on your buddies over in Knuckle Towers to deliver up the goods.

However, we aren't asking you to kill anyone (well not directly at least) but instead we're asking you to pickpocket them. We want to see their pockets raped. We want them to be a quivering wreck, afraid to go out at night and be forced eternally into hiding. We have a duty and an obligation to police ourselves and when one amongst our number steps out of line, it is the duty of all of us to make them see the light.

By now of course, you've realised that I am talking about that horrible dinosaur Raptor, his wooden spoon and his nefarious claws. I am invoking the sacred laws of Jihad and I declare the infidel Raptor to be the first and thus far only target. All faithful mobsters and all those who ascribe to the Chuckle Knuckle are to take it upon themselves to pickpocket Raptor at will! He shall find no refuge from our retribution and no sanctity from our justice. I call upon any man or woman who believe themselves to be a true believer to take up arms against Raptor and remove $5,000 from his possession!

The Gods are pleased to see that a dedicated group of individuals are doing their work already in pickpocketing him. Fifty virgins await them in heaven. Should the less zealous amongst you need a further reason to partake in the Jihad against Raptor and follow their example, then I offer the following incentive:

Whatever you pickpocket from Raptor, between now and Sunday 17th July will be matched from our coffers. If you take $50,000, provide proof* to us of the deed and you will walk out of there with another $50,000 from us. Come brothers and sisters; let us take our vengeance upon this beast.

Jihad!

*Proof will be considered to be a copy of the personals, pasted into this thread.

Obituaries

I've decided that no publication of any sufficient calibre is complete without an obituaries section. In our walk of life people die and they will be honoured in this section.
Unfortunately in our walk of life some people don't die and we wish they would have. They will also be honoured in this section.

People Who Have Died

...can be found here.

Lazy bastards.

People We Wish Had Died - Who Actually Died

I've forgotten who we actually listed, so for now let's just say everyone's alive! Woohoo!

Other than Ozan and I'm disgusted he continues to defy me.

People We Wish Had Died

Given that this is our returning publication, perhaps we should let everyone off this time.

Then again...

-iocaste

I'm not sure what drew you out from beneath that rock under which you've hidden for the past five months, but banging a 'this should be OOC' response to my discussion seemed a bit over the top. Had you been a serial complainer or someone who regularly says anything at all, it might have been the norm, yet given your anonymity thus far, I can't help but feel targeted.

My feelings are hurt and accordingly. DWL for you.

BobTheAstronut

You have to be the worst person since Ozan for performing organized crimes. My high success rate is taking a beating from any crime with which you're associated!

You're letting me, yourself and all of MafiaReturns down with your lack of ability. DWL.

For Sale: One Associate

I am looking for some money or really just anything that you would be willing to trade for my associate, Alexander.

He is a continual disappointment to me and I am looking to palm him off at the next opportunity. I am sure this is just a fluke and he would be a real catch for someone else. He needs a loving family and someone willing to take care of him.

He has various skills including: Not reading things, complaining, asking for a synopsis of discussions because he is too lazy to attend them, lack of proper etiquette, torrents of abuse, Cleveland Steamers and many more!

Please submit your offers to me at the earliest available opportunity. I expect high demand for such a talented individual, coming from the esteemed Pollit and Mr_Luciano bloodline.

Current Offer: Nothing.

Acknowledgments

This was never the plan, but then I never factored in just how much people seemed to like my little shitrag. I was genuinely touched and overwhelmed by the support the general public showed me, both in the various discussions, in my mailbox on IRC and pretty much everywhere I went. Without you guys and you know who you are, I wouldn't have picked up my pen (well, fingers) and produced this again.

To EvilClown- who continues to produce subpar work, I have to offer congratulations. It isn't easy being an inbred midget, but the man limps around on his different sized legs and webbed feet with a touch of class. His contribution is delightfully received and whilst we're on the subject, if anyone else would like to assist me and supply their own rubbish articles, I'm sure I'll find a place for them too.

I hope that you enjoy this. I hope that I don't have to go away again. Read on, respond, you know the fucking drill.

Don't make me hurt you.

Something like a disclaimer

If I've taken a pot shot at you in this, it is because I think you're big enough to handle a joke and may find it funny yourself. If I've thought wrongly and you aren't big enough to handle that, I'm a useless Boss taking up space in Chicago, who some idiot blessed with slanties (take that Camazotz).

Anyone who is genuinely offended, take a step back and go outside. You're taking yourself too seriously.

~C~

DanK puts down his copy of The Chuckle Knuckle and wonders to himself:

"I think the paper would improve if they employed my phone hacking skills."

I'll take Alexander, if you pay me $1,000,000 to look after his misearble existence.

To clarify, my offer is for YOU to pay ME to take on that puddle of piss Alexander.

As always, an excellent read, and laugh out loud funny.

RIP Brent

Thank you for calling me the best. I'm looking forward to our adventure.

Let me tell you something dude this has got to be one of the best papers this thing of ours has ever seen dude! Very great read and it brings a lot of possible activity to the streets as a whole amigo! I enjoyed reading it and will surely send one of my ripped T-Shirts over for Alexander as an offer brother!

The hulkster walks out with the newspaper in hand and scoop slams a few people walking in the middle of the street.

Obama rips his shirt off and delivers a leg drop on the Hulkster.

Obamamania just ran wild all over you.

Triumphant!

And chuckles contribution was not that shabby also.

Sweeney picks up the paper once agian that he once love. Takes a drink of his Mtn Dew and spits it out! Thinking to himself.

Oh shit. There goes my paper.

Sweeney goes home crying in amazement and sadness.

Glad to see the Knuckle back in publication!

Our streets just Aren't the same without it. - Great read as always, cant wait for the next one!

JkL intrigued by the commotion going on at the local newsstand, wonders over.

"Its back, its back" he overhears a youngster shout

Grabs a copy of the paper

Its great to see your paper back on the streets. 

Flips through the pages to see his old friend Raptor's name

Have known this reptile fiend for way too long now, its about time he got his comeuppance. 

Puts on his balaclava on and goes lizard hunting.