As you sit down to watch you new black and white Zenith television set, you wonder what type of show is in store for you tonight. With a loud pop you tv turns on. You lean closer and see a desk, sitting behind the desk you see Amsterdam looking splendid in his pin stripe suit. On the corner of the desk is a bottle of scotch and some electronic contraption with lights and buttons on it. Behind him is a sign hanging on the backdrop reading Amsterdam's Bad Advice Evening Hour. With a crack a announcers voice comes from your tv. Ladies and Gentlemen welcome to the horur of power your prayers have been answered, now herrrreeeeees Amsterdam.
Good eveing folks, and welcome to premier showing of Amsterdam's Bad Advice Evening Hour. Well that's a lie, as luck would have it the ownder of this station owes a favour to someone high up I know. So this show really isn't a hour it is all day, and if by chance I am not here, I will do it via telephone. As you may have guessed I am here to hand out much needed bad advice, and this little box on my desk allows me to do that. Just call the station, and they will put you right to me so I may help you.
Amsterdam pours himself a tall glass of scotch from the bottle.
Oh and before I forget tonights musical guest will be the one the only Frank Sinatra. The phone lines are open.
With a wide demon grin Amsterdam says,
So how may I help you? |
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Hi, (pauses to take a deep breath)
I need some advice whether it bad or good, just something. I had this guy literally ask me if he could mug me, what the hell am i supposed to say to that? |
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Here is my advice to you. Eat a whole bunch of chili dogs, some garlic, lots of those fiber breakfast bars, and a ex_lax bar. Wait 3-4 hours then put the money in your garter hold in whats waiting to explode from your insides. Let him mug you and as he is in the process let it all go baby. Chances are he will never ask again, and the looks on everyones faces as you walk down the street after will be well worth it! |
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*Peaks his head in the door*
Hi Mr Amsterdam.
I just recently arrived in these fine cities and still doing my best to get to grips with how things work around here. Anyway, here comes the question..
Someone unknown to myself approached me earlier asking if I could loan him a sum of money for a small period of time.. Being new and all I didn't have any money to offer this poor guy. However, is it common practice around these streets to approach random folks with requests for a "Loan"?
Thank you for your time. |
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You know normally I would answer this, but as this show is clearly about me giving bad advice, so can you rephrase that question? |
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I want more money. So I have two questions. Question one: how do I get more money? Question two: can I have your money? |
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Well You only get on question per call, so we will answer your first one. First I want you to buy a vat of pig grease, then strip down till your naked. Then hop in the vat of grase till you are nice and greasy. At this point you will then run in to PrinceofCheeses bedroom screaming the midgets are coming the midgets are coming over and over again. |
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Amsterdam i am in a hell of a conundrum. My previous lady who was giving me action on the side died and her daughter approached me in a provocative way.
Now im not from the south and i don't want to cross the old Mason Dixon line. Whats a Man of my character to do? |
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Well a man of your character should just do what comes naturally. I would ask for a paternity test, go get it down, and dont worry about the results, doing something half assed is better then doing nothing. |
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Mr. A,
Can I call you Mr. A? Nevermind that.
Some bozo came running into my room with pig grease rubbed all over his stomach. Now he was yelling something strange, and had no clothes on. I Immediatly talked the man, then tied him up. Now the local police have issued a State of emergency until this man is found. (Appearently he was the mayor) Well, I ve been having my way with him for the last few days..... So what I ask you, Is what should I do? I can;t part ways with him yet. |
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Have you thought of dipping him in latx, and making a mold of him? If that doesnt work for you may i suggest you take a ad in the local paper? |
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Hey Haas, I was wondering about this binge Im on? You see I've been drinking, alot. And there's been some hookers too, oh and don't forget about the skiing in July cocaine train I have been on. What should I do about the wife? |
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Well when you mention the wife, it leads me to think that you are having trouble getting a erection when being intimste with your wife. Now this is nothing to laugh at in your situation. Thank God I am not so I can laugh at you. Bwahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
Seriously try dipping her ass in Rye, and the dumping a large bag of cocaine all over. If that doesn't work, I suggest you shoot yourself, as I know your wife and she is scarier the Sprooza in heat! |
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Sorry everyone I have been on the air for along time, and am now a little drunk so I spelt Sprozza wrong.
Takes another drink |
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Ok, new call, new question. How do I get more money, specifically, your money? |
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Well in order to get some of my money
unzips his pants |
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Sorry folks had to adjust myself.
Well 47 you need to wear a giant diaper run around the streets saying Amsterdam is God! |
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Sigh, no money for me. They just don't make adult diapers to hold all the shit I'm capable of producing. And you damn well better believe that, if I wear a diaper, I'm using it. No sense in letting it go to waste. |
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Well your in luck 47....
Pulls out a custom made diaper for 47
I called your mom, and she gave us the measurements.
Hand the diaper to a courier to get it to 47 right away |
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