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Greetings fellow mobsters! It's time to announce the results for my short story contest.
Thanks to all those who entered! People got super creative with their words, had fun and even got other people to interact with them in their thread. And that's what this contest is really all about. I especially admire those whose presence you don't usually find in the streets that joined in.
Before we move on to the top 3 winners, here are the comments from the judges and I for each participant. I've provided a link to each thread as well as I definitely recommend reading when you get some free time.
For recap: The two words I chose for people to incorporate in their story was reflection and mug.
Mayari's Reprise
- The premise of revenge killing isn't too original, yet I like the creative spin that she didn't actually get to go through with it due to Ricardo's daughter being there and the personal tie in. I would've given it higher in that regard, yet it wasn't detailed why Mayari couldn't finish the job for four blocks prior. It would've been nice to have a bit of depth to that, which would've tied in to the overall struggle to pull the trigger in general. Maybe she's trigger shy? Maybe there's another reason? I would've liked to know, as it could've built more into her character and press upon the state of tension, and really drag me into that feeling and that inner battle.
- Overall, I like the idea itself. The lack of depth to really make me feel Mayari's inner conflict, as well as the piece not really pulling me into the main scene are my criticisms. The word limit might've been the hurdle here though, so trying to fit in the backstory as well as fleshing out the main point may have led to it not hitting as hard. If we just followed Mayari on her revenge kill, without the precursor, and we got to really live in her emotions and thoughts as the scene unfolded and she battled to squeeze the trigger, that may have been a better angle in my opinion. Really good effort though!
- The dramatic build-up in the story was what kept me reading. At such a young age she experienced something through so traumatizing and I felt all that pent-up anger. Usually what we see from typical revenge stories is vengeance actually being inflicted. I like that Mayari wrote her character not being able to kill the man that caused her such trauma. However, I do wish that the reason/s why she couldn't was more explained. It was an opportunity to delve more into the character's flaws, which would have added to the rawness of the story.
Uncle's Who is that man I see, staring straight back at me
- Killing being the main focus isn't too original (I know, I know, it's a mafia game. There can be more to the mafia than killing though). Saying that, massive marks for humor and the overall idea itself. I liked the shaking of the container at the start, as I kept wondering what the fuck he was shaking as I read further. Nicely done. The gun from the trunks was also a nice touch. Having to enter a bodybuilding competition for old guys to be able to have a chance to hit his mark is pretty damn creative. Obviously it's a humor piece, so I wont judge on lack of depth and the having instantly become buff and winning a competition to get to the 'boss' level stuff. It's all in fun. The way it was structured made it flow nicely and had it finish with a punchy ending.
- I thought it was very entertaining to read. It managed to be somewhat light-hearted yet intense at the same time. Also never read about a senior citizen bodybuilding competition before, so that was a first! The character was faced with an obstacle and the writer managed to turn it into a positive by getting fit and turning the tables. I do think there could have been a different choice of words in some places due to it being repeated or too simple. Adjectives have a powerful impact.
JimmySeniorSr's Sunny days and Dancing Nights
- I read half way and then couldn't continue. I tried. In future I'd try find someone willing, and I'm sure there are people here that would be, to read over your stuff and help you take it from a rushed draft into something that doesn't feel like I'm being tortured with exclamation marks. I do like the idea of it being read as someone telling a story though, so the idea is sound. It just seemed like you wrote what came to mind as if writing a text message then smashed the post button. It may work for some, but more effort in future would be a good idea.
- This story has a lot of potential to be something more. It's sentimental to me as the character simply just wanted his son and grandson to live comfortably. I like how adventurous Jimmy is as well so it was fun to read. There is, however, a lot of unnecessary dialogue and misspelt words, which made the story seem rushed. It was a good effort, but I definitely would spellcheck and put your sentences into paragraphs instead of many separate lines.
GreekFreak's The Freak accident
- I like the end, it was a nice touch. The lead up was a little lackluster though, as the mix between humor and matter of fact description of a guy realizing he had been beaten and glassed made it a little odd. As a straight humor piece it didn't hit too hard and due to the bits of humor it didn't go beyond that. It was original though and the use of the required words hit home really well. It seemed like it was written with the end in mind and the gaps were just filled in to make it possible. Not a bad piece, though.
- Great imagery in this story! I got freaked out while reading as it felt like I could really feel pieces of glass desperate to escape my leg. The use of the word 'mug' was also an impressive way to end the story, as it created a sense of light-heartedness after reading about a terrible injury. I just think there could have been more descriptive words to use instead of repeating 'groaning, glass and complete'. Nonetheless, I enjoyed reading what seemed like a very uplifting story despite the character's hardship.
Eggs_Benedict's Judgement Day
- I like the idea and the execution, very original and the ride to the courthouse as his backstory that unfolded in bits and pieces I also liked as you get just enough of an understanding of him as he passes certain landmarks to give him some character. I also like the twist at the end, and that the lawyer actually was worth the money paid, opposed to how the main character saw it before that point. Original idea. Creative application. The punctuation let you down though, as it messed with the flow a little and especially had me needing to reread the end to make sure I understood it correctly. Otherwise, my favorite so far.
- I thought that every word counted. There were also little details included that made the plot more interesting, such as the perfect adjusting of the tie and learning violence from a young age. A simple story about a mobster heading to court was transformed into someone's backstory. The ending sentence was also a great finisher while incorporating one of the chosen words. I do think the comma was overused though as it still would've made sense to split the sentence and make it easier to read.
JackDragna's Losing Himself
- I like the idea of coming home and finding someone in his apartment, beating said guy with the mug and then because of the ruthless act (my interpretation), it changing his perspective of himself. The idea is cool. The execution itself needs work, in the writing aspect, which can be learned and improved if you keep at it. I can see the effort was there though, it just needs some spit shine to ensure a better read for those reading it. Do keep at it though and ask around for people willing to help you structure your sentences better so your story comes across smooth as silk.
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A very action-packed story towards the end. I liked how the character went from admiring his reflection in the mirror to being unable to recognise himself. However, the story was difficult to read at times because of the lack of commas, so I really suggest using more punctuation. I also wish that there could have been some dialogue written up for the attacker as it could have added more spice to the story.
Many thanks to Catherine who donated super VIPs to the prize pool. :)
First place: Eggs_Benedict ($50,000,000 + super VIP)
Second place: Mayari ($10,000,000 + super VIP)
Third place: GreekFreak ($5,000,000 + super VIP)
Congratulations to our winners! And well done to all those who submitted an entry, which is a big win in itself. For that reason, I'd like to personally thank everyone who took the time to write their piece and post it to the streets. Thank YOU for providing the community with a clever and inventive storytelling experience. Thanks to the judges who helped out as well! <3
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