Have you ever felt like you're inside the train and it's moving and you're staying behind? Have you ever felt like you're trapped inside a tornado, rolling around desperately, hoping that's only a dream, but it isn't. You're there, spinning around, flying and hoping that it NEVER ENDS? A normal person would want out of this storm, but a broken one, just begs for it to never ends. So they can never return to their broken sad real lives. Have you ever thought of taking all the money from your wallet and dropping on the street?

I realized today that money doesn't buy shit. I always thought that this was something only poor people said. I'm poor. But i realized i was damn wrong. I would give all the money in the world to feel happy with her and to not be broken anymore. Even if we live in poverty. I dont care.

So have you ever felt you're drowning in a black black black black ocean, when you know how to swim, but you can't even feel your legs? This is what life is. Gives you everything you need to survive, but what are you? A maggot. A little piece of meat. A puppet. A pawn. To the Gods. If they decide you're gonna be in an ocean and drown, you will, no matter how you try to swim. Yesterday a man died right across my street. He was doing the same thing he did for 15 years. Getting up on his motorcycle to go to his factory work. A drunk man slept and you know what happened? Got him and turned the poor old boring man into wallpaper. Crushed him into the wall. I can still see the blood/brain/fluids marks there.

WHAT THE FUCK? The man did this everyday, never harmed before. Suddenly one day a drunk man sleeps and kills him? Where's the justice in that? WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN FOR FUCK SAKE? He never hurted anyone. His 13yo son had to watch the forencics collets his body pieces with a dustpan. And i'm here, so terrified of my sad hidious life, but i can't do anything to end it. And the poor man, who had plans to travel to Porto de Galinhas with his family, is lying in pieces in the damned morgue. And i'm damn sure he didn't wanted to die. I can still hear the screams from his wife, it's echoing in my head. 

So tell me: IF EVERYTHING IS IN GOD'S HANDS, HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO ANYTHING. Might as well just sit and die. How the hell this life works? I just wanted to share my disappointment (to say at least).

PS: the suicidos i used to joke so much, seems like the worls turns around huh? Mock me now. I'm one of you. Life is FUCKING MEANINGLESS and we are PAWNS OF THE GODS. I wont kill myself, but i will laugh and pitty any attempt from God to make things right. God you motherfucker, come face me, O LORD. I'll be waiting, i dare you.