The_Newspaper_Man is stunned at the success of his last newspaper, and hastily makes his way to the Streets...

"Friends, dozens of you have now taken part in this process.  I'm going to get the second batch of results out faster than AdmiralAckbar dropped the late, great Italian.

You were asked:

WHY DOES LINCOLN_LAWYER DISLIKE KUKU SO MUCH?

You answered:

I don't know, cos I don't know much about anything. I never actually act, but am still bestowed with leadership roles, because I'm such a non-entity, and therefore completely unthreatening. I'm best known for a knock-off catchphrase and doing literally nothing else besides hiding behind my douchbag friends. IT'S A TRAP! *yawn* IT'S A TRazzzzzzz......

This answer came from an otherwise pro-LL respondent.  This is the type of nonsense honest surveyors have to contend with.

You answered:

Goes back years, Lincoln hated Kuku's success and profile with the writing competitions. Lincoln just can't get them off the ground. Lincoln wishes he had Kuku's charisma

There was a number of responses which claim that Lincoln is jealous of Kuku.  Could this be?  It is true that Lincoln's writing competitions, despite their massive death toll, just didn't get into the public imaginations like Kuku's did.  This respondent could be onto something.

You answered:

i duhhh... dunt speek gud. i lyk to wurd fite tho, so i tel peepul that i mayk up conspiracee theeries and mayk wurd fite with thu angury peepul. wen i ware mah speshul shiny metal head topper, i can see laiz. i am tha wun dat eksposed the moon walkey man az a no trooth tellah. i beat up the laiz peepul cos i better. i TERRAH!!!

This respondent, clearly one of the pro-Lincoln faction, engaged in nonsense.  They should really do their own newspaper to broadcast this.#

You answered:

He doesn't. They both make each other who they are. Neither hates the other because they both give each other entertainment.

This is interesting.  Kuku clearly doesn't hate Lincoln, and part of the entertaining thing for him is how animated Lincoln gets.  I think Lincoln does hate Kuku though - his constant exhortations for City Hall to lock him away for life are not the words and actions of a light-hearted, or kind, person.

You answered:

Kuku lies and carries grudges way to long.

Kuku doesn't carry grudges, and is famous for telling his truth.

You answered:

Lincoln ***** ***** ****** Kuku ****** **** ****.

This is a serious newspaper, and we simply won't publish the type of garish, uncouth sexualised nonsense this respondent left.  It was directed against Lincoln, but was very much in Lincoln's style.  We won't have it.

You answered:

It's not just Lincoln but the entire community, have you not noticed the streets are becoming tired of the same call boy shit you pull? Least come up with something original. If you actually put effort into respecting people and not trolling them maybe you'd live longer. You have the potential to achieve so much in game. Though you really fuck yourself over with even a remote chance

Is this true?  Are the Streets tired?  Is Kuku unoriginal?  Could Kuku achieve great things?

You answered:

Question is, why does Kuku on a daily basis keep doing the shit he is doing. Get help son.

Good question.  Why?

You answered:

I imagine he would probably say that it’s due to differing beliefs on what is/isn’t acceptable, but I do have to question if it is simply because KuKu is actually funny? In a time when, frankly, his particular brand of humour has been next to outlawed.

Is it simply because, as the study has confirmed, people find Kuku funny, and Lincoln really, really not funny, or intersting?

You answered:

I think it's actually a labor of love.

Perhaps this is true.  Lincoln clearly hates Kuku, and love is usually closeby hate.

You answered:

because kuku is great and all knowing

This would feed into the recurring "jealousy" theme

You answered:

People enjoy beating dead horses.

Yes, they do.  But Kuku is a living, breathing stallion of a linage/group of people.

You answered:

I like to think it started as a joke but now it's grown too far and he can't help but try and up the ante each time further exasperating the situation. Or, he's got nothing else going on and has to focus on Kuku so he doesn't get shot for trying to politick.

This is interesting, and is alluded to elsewhere.  Lincoln is not CL, let alone, GF calibre, and his death feels imminent.  So him wishing to have a "whipping boy" would make sense.  That the whipping boy constantly bests him cannot be a good look.  Or feeling.

You answered:

Kuku hurts the community and a constant distraction. If he acted normally, or the group of people acting as Kuku, then this would all disappear.

Hmm, is this true>

You answered:

I think he hates himself and therefore, due to the obvious similarities between the two, he hates Kuku.

Lincoln'sself-loathing is evident in his immature preoccupations, that is true.  But Kuku has no similarities to Lincoln.  Perish the thought.

You answered:

Because kuku is an idiot

I and idiot

You answered:

Cause he’s got a huge and consistent hard on for Kuku. 

Rather crass, but has been said in the Streets already.

You answered:

He spoiled a "Wordle" for him

We are unsure what this means.  Perhaps some sort of code LL uses?

You answered:

Numerous reasons: - - Kuku (and by extension, the plumbers) have made more of an impact on the landscape than LL ever could. - LL cannot understand the honor of serving your sentence and coming out clean on the other side, so regurgitates vile accusations about past misgivings allegedly committed by the Kuku line in order to discredit a more entertaining and influential speaker. - Kuku is a natrual orator; inexplicably able to be both verbose and succinct - simultaneously! He's effortlessly articulate and precise with language. Basically, Kuku is more eloquent than LL will ever be. - Kuku isn't cowed by stronger mobsters through a desire for longevity, so fears not death. LL hides from his inevitable demise (at the hands of CLO and SG) and refuses to engage with any debate of any real substance, as a form of self-preserverance. - If Kuku wants to kill someone he'll do it. LL doesn't set foot outside his home city, and yet has no sphere of influence. He's a parasite, living off the protection he's unable to create or guarantee; a harmless nobody. Kuku is a stone cold killer that LL was unable to control. - LL hates the fact that Kuku held a mirror up to his short-comings. - Kuku helps old ladies cross the road and always puts the toilet seat down. - Kuku is more intelligent than LL. - LL picks his nose and eats his own boogers. - Kuku is more handsome.*

*Some unacceptable content has been edited out.

This feeds into the jealousy theme, and the not-long-for-this-life theme.

You answered:

Unsure. He should explain why

You answered:

 Jealousy.

You answered:

Who doesn't dislike Kuku so much

You answered:

 Because kuku is a toss that is nothing more than inconvenience in this world of MR, Due to numerous cases the lawyer has received regarding jailing a fraud of those kuku has made false statements over trying to disassemble alliances

You answered:

Jealousy

And the final few focus on anti-Kuku sentiment, which seems to applaud the bogus lawyer for his vendetta.

We will be back soon with another survey!  Hope you enjoyed this one!

The_Newspaper_Man watched the massive crowd disperse and begins to count the tips left for him....

Say what you will about Kuku, these are always fascinating exercises, especially given the last guy who tried to write a newspaper - despite being corrected multiple times - continued to refer to his journalists as "coorispandants" before eventually being executed by City Hall. 

I found this to be particularly insightful:

I think he hates himself and therefore, due to the obvious similarities between the two, he hates Kuku.

As someone who has worked for Mr. Lincoln Lawyer for some time now, I have often marveled at how physically similar both of these men are: slouched, oily, with bodies like pulled pork barely hanging on to the bone. Though I'm sure they would both object to any suggestion of an intellectual overlap, I think there is a world where they could have been great friends and, perhaps, lovers. 

Bacon began speaking his thoughts after reading through the newly published newspaper.

What's my piggy perspective on how a particular gangster became successful, The_Newspaper_Man?

It likely would have been achieved through the mafioso putting in hard work and substantial energy on our shores. Godfather Lincoln_Lawyer has earned a certain notoriety on these streets as you may know. He has been a frequent participant in discussions while aimlessly roaming these streets. 

Whereas Kuku, who the hell knows which personality/agenda will surface today or tomorrow for this thug? Maybe Kuku's kin should give the concept of hard work a try. 

Regardless, I'm enjoying the newspaper's content and I look forward to your further publications. 

Well I laughed at your... what was that ? A  backwoods depiction of what you say I said.  

Wasn't even close .

what I said is he hates you because you lie and twist things to boost your fragile ego. 

A lot of these responses look rather staged or a bit too much on the joking side, which was probably to be expected. Still some decent submissions I see you've brought up, and this little step is rather entertaining to sit through. Public rivalries are rather fun to watch, especially when you already know who really be rooting for! Why answer dumb questions when you can simply read through dumb responses?