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The Assistant Coach Started by: FrizzleFry on May 10, '22 19:34

The Detroit JFMAST has just returned from a stunning win at the Muesli Madness tournament and is celebrating and carrying on like only the Detroit JFMAST can, when HeadCoach blows his whistle to collect everyone's attention.  He breaks the news to the team that Assistant Coach FrizzleFry has submitted his notice to the franchise office and will be heading off to browner pastures, where he is to set up his own expansion team in the "City of Brotherly Love", Detroit.

Guys, it's a bittersweet moment for me today.  On one hand, I get to be the assistant coach for my OWN EXPANSION TEAM, which is very exciting news.  I'd like to ask that instead of being sorry to see me leave, maybe instead look to me as inspiration for what hard work can achieve.

This journey has been full of ups and downs for me, but right now I'd like to touch upon some of my achievements alongside all of you, without whom none of this would be possible.

Just a quick rundown of what we all accomplished.  Together.

  • Kept allied pro-wacker fatalities during the war below two (the league maximum, RIP to Weezer)
  • Became the mafia's first co-ed basketball team with the recruitment of LadyBananaFace (whose merch is already flying off the shelves). At first, HeadCoached sneered at the suggestion of bringing ladyfolk onto the team.  But after some nudging, he agreed that this is the 1930's, and if we don't get with the times, we're gonna look like a pair of '20s or '10s boomers over here.  He accepted, making the JFMAST the most progressive team in all the cities. 
  • Was jovial and liked good humor and acknowledged such.
  • Snatched headline after headline, making the JFMAST the hottest story in recent times in the midst of a record-breaking war.  

There's so much more I could talk about, but now I'd like to divert everyone's attention to a great man, a mentor, a friend, let's give a big JFMAST applause for HeadCoach!

The team obliges.

Ahh, HeadCoach.  The man of the hour.  The belle of the ball.  Yeah, more like the BelleCorsica maybe!

This jab illicits a huge laugh from the team as HeadCoach blushes from the roasting he just received.

I tease, I tease.  HeadCoach, you've taught me everything I know.  About basketball, about being a Made Man, about purging, I've learned so much from you and I hope to make you proud as I begin this new path in my career.

On that note, my team (presently unnamed) will be holding open tryouts.  And while I intend to keep my title of Assistant Coach even with my own team, I will be in need of an assistant coach (or "Right Hand Man", as all the math nerds refer to it as) of my own.  Details on that forthcoming.

I wish everyone the best of luck this season.

The team cheers loudly.  Assistant Coach FrizzleFry, overcome with emotion, looks to the heavens with his eyes well with tears "I did it Mom!  I really did it!"  From the heavens, Terrah smiles.

Report Post Tips: 7 / Total: $140,000 Tip

Iron Mike claps & cheers, his shovel like hands making quite the din. He begins to speak in his high pitched voice.

"Congratulathionth aththithtant coath FrizzleFry Hard work payth & i am thure you are the man to drive team (prethently unnamed) up the league. I appreciate all the hard work that you put in with the JFMAST training seththionths & forgive you for alwayth miththing my high fiveth."

Iron Mike feels pride welling up inside him, or possibly a protein fart. He was unsure what HeadCoach had put in the mandatory 4 times daily 'sports recovery drink' but it was playing havoc with his colon. Note to self hit the public toilet ASAP, don't stink up the house.

"Well done once again. I am happy we finally have a capable crew leader in Detroit (athide from BricktownCL & Denith of courthe.)

Report Post Tips: 1 / Total: $20,000 Tip
"Congratulations FrizzleFry. Let's hope you don't end up with loose lips on the team."
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I'm so proud of you, Coach Fry. We have lived through some truly historic moments together. The JFMAST began as just the dream of a man with really thick fingers and a whistle. Now I stand here with my three auths: FrizzleFry, Denis and BricktownCL. Don't worry about HQ forts or bodyguards; you won't need them. I've met sock puppets with more muscle mass than this community. The way you're wearing those shorts, the strength of that mooseknuckle alone will parry all challengers. High and tight, coach. Remember what we always said at the JFMAST: you can't be good if you don't look good. 

You must be receiving good wishes from all sides. If MikeTyson could speak English I'm sure some part of that insane gibberish that just came out of his mouth would be congratulatory, but he's taken so many beatings you could stick a straw in his ear and slurp his brains out. His skull is basically a glorified gazpacho thermos. I saw him playing checkers with an egg yesterday. He's got JFMAST glutes though. That's what counts. 

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The Sister was strolling along the street and heard mention of  a name of a distant relative being used as a source of criticism. She ignored this  as  several thoughts ran through her mind.... 

You will never be criticized by people doing more than you. You will only be criticized by someone doing less.

She smiled to herself remembering that the ones who criticize her bloodline have also tried to claim her bloodline. The  Oscar Wilde quote then accompanied her last one making her smile grow even wider. Oh the flattery these people bestow. 

 

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery that mediocrity can pay to greatness. - Oscar Wilde.

As she walked away from the raucous  another thought occurred to her from a Shannon L Alder.

 

Often those that criticize others, reveal what he himself is lacking. 
Shannon L. Alder

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"I have to get something off my chest here 'boss' - yes you, FrizzleFry.

You come out here all happy and chatty, next thing I know I'm getting angry messages from people I don't know.

Have you got people working to undermine me?"
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Can someone please explain to me what is going over on here?  JFMAST I can assure you I don't know what you're talking about, and furthermore why you chose this as your venue to ask.  I can assure you nobody is undermining anyone.  And sisterivoryDarkmore what the hell is this? I thought we were in a basketball gymnasium.  You must have been confused and thought we were in a quote gymnasium.  Not sure why any of this is relevant to my announcement or who Shannon L Alder even is, but she sounds like a stupid idiot.  What the heck is happening???

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"Who is Shannon, indeed FrizzleFry.

Ask @Kangaroo. Oh, you can't. They're dead.

Think about that. I'm not going to be bullied any more.

We need to straighten this out."
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Frizzlefry I am not sure why you have a fetish with my bloodline.  I am not sure the relevance of you finding old newspapers my bloodline commented in, years old even and a comment that has absolutely no bearing on anything and tipping it regularly. You can keep your piddly 20k. It is after all a drop in the bucket compared what I make . So keep your chump change. 

It has become quite apparent to me that you have some school boy crush on my bloodline, which my bloodline keeps disregarding.  Yet, your bloodline keeps up this charade. 

It is apparent to me you will continue this harassing of my bloodline. I mean it has been going on for several years now. 

My bloodline is not leaving these shores, I say this because  after all these years of the same harassment from you I feel that is the purpose of  your continued harassment of my bloodline. 

So continue your infatuation with my bloodline without me.  You think far more about me than I do you. 

Report Post Tips: 3 / Total: $60,000 Tip
"FrizzleFry - why have you made this public? And why is this person accusing you of such weird things?

I'm confused."
Report Post Tips: 2 / Total: $40,000 Tip

sisterivoryDarkmore If I have tipped you money for something that you have said here in the streets, I cannot say I recall specifically.  I have a generous habit of tipping street orators, as I'm confident many will gladly attest.  But I do hope you can someday track down this tormentor who keeps sending you money.  I could only hope for the same mistreatment.  Meanwhile, you certainly aren't going to receive a dime from me for these nonsense quotes, if your intention was to somehow reverse-psychology me into sending you a tip.

Report Post Tips: 2 / Total: $40,000 Tip

I really feel like I have to step in here - we don't need any blood feuds starting today, violent or non-violent, especially between coaching staff and fans - I might have a proposal that can resolve this situation. 

Ever since I punted JFK_Jr head into Orion's Belt, I've received a steady stream of tips for my work out here in the Streets. Knowing Coach Fry's work, I'm sure at least some of the anonymous and untraceable donations I've received have come from him. He is an appreciator of fine things. His still life art collection, naturally of naked athletes, is something to behold. If one of our fans has been fortunate enough to be the beneficiary of such generosity, then, like the human body in prime physical condition, this must be celebrated.

In the laundry room, I've have a lot of time to think about how we interact with our fans. I understand totally that sisterivoryDarkmore might not want to be tipped. It makes sense that she would receive $20,000 in an envelope with a note crediting her contributions and promptly set that bitch on fire. I respect that. JFMAST have some of the best fans in the country. 

So my solution is this. Perhaps if I was to receive all of the tips, I could then distribute them back to everyone else, as intended, avoiding any possible offense that an unwanted $20,000 gift attempt can sometimes cause. Really wack them on there, as many as you have always wanted to send, but didn't want to piss anyone off. Then, when I am handing back the freshly pressed uniforms and handing out autographed pictures of JRK_Jr's post-duel mug together with other JFMAST merch (the MikeTyson "toth bag" tote bag is selling fast), I can see they get to the rightful people. Thoughts? 

Report Post Tips: 2 / Total: $40,000 Tip

Every good team and player needs a financial manager. You can't expect top tier athletes and coaches to waste their time with maths. It's just too many balls on the court for one person. 

I'd be happy for all future tips to be sent to a financial manager on my behalf so I can focus on the game and making sure I am getting to practice on time. 

Conqueeftador dribbles his balls a bit before busting out a few squats. 

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Not totally sure what you are talking about either Grin-22.  Is there a full moon out today?  Seriously what the....

So I'm clear, the accusations I'm facing are that I gave sisterivoryDarkmore a tip for a newspaper article, which I don't remember ever reading, and having a crush on her.  Not sure why either are an offense, but for one I only recognize one newspaper here in the mafia, and that is RonaldCarabbia 's Herald of the Underground.  If she had a newspaper, it clearly didn't resonate with me or make any kind of splash here, I'm assuming due to the fact it was probably made up entirely of quotes.  As far as having a crush, no disrespect intended but you are not my type.  I like women that are good at basketball and don't use quotes.  Aside from that I'm sure you have many wonderful traits.

But to Grin-22's point, I do not see any need for a feud either so if we can all maybe agree to disagree, that would be preferred.  Just wish I knew what we were even agreeing or disagreeing about.

I'm sorry, but wasn't this a celebration?  Can we get back to celebrating?  sisterivoryDarkmore you are welcome to stay as well, if you please.

Report Post Tips: 3 / Total: $60,000 Tip

You know what, I've probably got the wrong end of the stick. I usually do. I shouldn't have tried to bridge the enormous gap between laundry and merchandising. Dreaming of the lofty heights of fan liaison was childish and I would like to apologise for any offence that I have caused with this.

At this point, I do still have a couple of Iron Mike bags around here to get rid of and the proceeds for all of this will go straight into the JFMAST coffers. They are made from recycled shorts of fallen players; Shaq's demise alone let me run a few hundred. 

Anyway, $20,000 and you could be the proud owner of a JFMAST Official Tote BagI have offered a few anonymous tips out here by way of recompense for my arrogance. Please note this is an act of contrition and NOT aggression or attraction. 

Report Post Tips: 1 / Total: $20,000 Tip

  I am convinced  due to the years of this same bull crap harassment from you and your group against my bloodline  that your lot of miscreants is trying to run my bloodline away from these shores. 

 I will not give you the satisfaction of doing so as others have done. 

I have a restraining on you Frizzlefry and your little minion, I will not hesitate to obtain other restraining orders on your group. Go run some other bloodline away from these shores as I will not leave these shores until I see fit to.

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"I think I speak for the entire Detroit John_Farehams when I say that sisterivoryDarkmore is someone we not oy want to stay on these shores, we want her to thrive on these shores.

FrizzleFry is not the only, not even the second or third, but fourth Detroit leader happy to encourage and enable you on these shores.

The telegram delivery staff would visit you frequently, had you not banned half of the Detroit hierarchy from sending you them.

I think you're a solid gold addition to our way of life. You may think we are bad people, but we think you are good.

RonaldCarabbia is no fan of the work I do here, and him and I have had our differences, but I send him lots of cash also.

Please understand, when people send you money, it is to celebrate and applaud what you have done, not to drive you away.

The Farehams, well, I have to tell you. Many people, forgettable rubbish people, have told me they wish I was driven from these shores. They give me no money. That's how the wannabe exilers operate.

Wanna know something neat? I'd send you as much as you wanted, up to a million, or to a person you nominated.

This is an olive branch. I wish I had an olive branch. I have a boot stamping on my face and a buffoon for a leader."
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FrizzleFry this lady giving you problems coach? I thought we's was going to have a good time, but SOMEONE ruined the vibe. 

Also what's the pre-game snacks looking like? I could go for some orange wedges to take the edge off. 

Report Post Tips: 1 / Total: $20,000 Tip
"Well said Conqueeftador. Have $20k.

I hope you also stay on these shores for a long long time."
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Thanks JFMAST I'll be depositing this in the team coffers to be reinvested into the organization and our trip to Disney Land. I've been practicing real hard to keep my spot on the team, and I sure hope that it pays off one day. 

This is really the best group of guys around, I'm sure why people would be insinuating anything else about them. I suppose, unless they are trying to tear apart the team from the inside or something, but who could do something so insidious?

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