Welcome everyone to The Golden Coach's, where dozens of lucky nominees hope to leave here tonight with a Golden Coach in hand. Let's jump right into it, as we've got no time to waste - we're hosting from my living room today and my wife will be arriving home soon with her fitness instructor from their trip to an aerial yoga convention in Napa Valley. I imagine she'll want to get a session in before he heads home, which means her usual request that I get in the car and take a couple laps around the city whenever he is around will be coming. Here we go!

THE JEROME AWARD FOR BEING THE BIGGEST JEROME

The nominees:

Hobbs - A total Jerome through and through and the bookies odds-on favorite in pre-show betting. Known to say things like, 'Please stop mugging me' while in the presence of HeadCoach.

Jerome - The OG and namesake of the Jerome brand, spun-off into phrases like 'that's so Jerome'. Famously conspired against by several authority figures and victim of dice.

Juslooking - Exemplified the Jerome ethos in his disastrous attempt to kill random gangsters and frame JFMAST (the dead guy) for it. Didn't really get anywhere, or as they say, totally Jerome'd it.

Winner...

Juslooking! Sadly, this award must be delivered posthumously, and so we ask that any representative of the Juslooking estate come forward and claim their Golden Coach at their soonest convenience.

THE HUCKLEBERRYFINN AWARD FOR GOOD OLD SCHOOL CREWLEADING

The nominees:

Denis - Strong, silent, handsome, eloquent, a friend, a lover, a long-distance runner, there is nothing Denis cannot do, no obstacle Denis cannot overcome, if you ever said hello to Denis, you can expect a hearty and forward, "What's up muh man" in response.

FrizzleFry - One of two nominations for Assistant Coach FrizzleFry following a season of strong performances, week-in, week-out. So old school he won't hire a bodyguard, on the basis that men were tougher, more vital, and more independent in his day, while also being jovial and having good humor and you knowing that and having acknowledged such.

Valinor - When you breakdown his credentials: legitimizer of HeadCoach mid-war, crewmember-haver of FrenchieHorn, there is very little Valinor has not already achieved in this storied run. Can he bring it home with a Golden Coach trophy? We left that up to the voters.

Winner...

Denis! HuckleBerryFinn has claimed his "kin was one of the best on these shores because old school runs through their veins. Not even you can tell me how to conduct business", which proved a winning endorsement for Denis, who could not be told how to do anything, as he does not check his mail. Congratulations on your Golden Coach, Denis!

ASSISTANT COACH OF THE YEAR

The nominees:

Skidmark - While technically an assistant player-coach, Skidmark has filled the void left behind by FrizzleFry admirably, with some bettors claiming the record-low allied pro wackers murdered by the JFMAST under his watch (zero) when compared to the historic achievement of his predecessor (just 1) may push him first across the finish line.

FrizzleFry - Some say the best to ever do it. A born assistant coach. So good at being second fiddle, he won't appoint one for his own crew for fear of disappointment, and the possibility of that materializing into murdering them for a joke they didn't tell, triggering another Fareham War.

MikeTyson - Iron Mike may not need to put in much work to keep the endless motor of Denis running, but he's got team spirit and acts as a suitable middle-man between his leader and their crewmember, Shayna.

Winner...

FrizzleFry! Ultimately, despite Skidmark's unbelievable murdered allies figures, finishing as next-best in the statistic proved just why FrizzleFry was born for an assistant role. Come get your Golden Coach, coach!

HEAD COACH OF THE YEAR

The nominees:

twigs - A strong candidate. During the war, in the 2 days twigs sheltered HeadCoach before he struck off on his own, a primitive JFMAST training regime saw the leader transform from having the physique of a banana peel swinging on a clothes line into the acting GFC of Las Vegas you see before you today.

Giorgio-Esposito - Another strong candidate, though you have to wonder how he pipped Denis and FrizzleFry to a nomination given their exceptional community-first efforts in combining for the most roster space available of all crews, while Giorgio has gangsters practically squeezed into the storage closets (rooms JFMAST personnel could never fit in, due to the disadvantages of strong, thick glutes and naturally-broad shoulders). Still, a strong fan-favorite and one to watch.

Not Hobbs - Hobbs has not been nominated for this award.

HeadCoach - The obvious favorite and 2x former Head Coach Of The Year winner. Coach and general manager of the best mafia basketball team in the country, possibly ever. Ascended from unauthorized 5-man wartime HQ to pillar of the community in one of the greatest cinderalla stories in modern mafia sportsdom. Currently presides over the mug capital of the continental United States and home of the 12th Street Public Toilets. 

Winner...

HeadCoach! WOW! The voters have had their say and snagged a 3rd Golden Coach for the most decorated Golden Coach winner in history. You have to ask yourself: will anyone ever break that record? It remains to be seen, but my money's on no. HeadCoach isn't just a coach to the JFMAST, he is a coach to the world.

HeadCoach! HeadCoach! HeadCoach!

FrizzleFry steps up to accept his Huckleberryfinn award from HeadCoach.  He extends his hand in the spirit of good-sportsmanship to fellow assistant coaches Skidmark and MikeTyson, but then quickly pulls his own hand away at the last second, hilariously leaving the two runner-ups standing there with their own hands extended to no one.  It is one of Assistant Coach FrizzleFry's greatest gags and it never ceases to amuse.

There's several people I'd like to thanks for this award.  I'd like to thank HeadCoach for awarding me with this trophy, however I'm still not convinced this isn't just some round-about way to make a mockery my own team and myself, thus the name the aptly-named 'Huckleberryfinn award'.  Yeah, nice one, Coach.  I see what you did there. 

I'd like to thank my team, formerly called The Detroit Dribblers but now called something else (long story).  Couldn't have done it without you.  Thank you both.

And lastly, as is customary whenever an athlete is presented with an award, I'd like to thank my mom, who unfortunately is no longer with us and whom I cannot thank by name, as the last time I did someone got angry with me.

FrizzleFry raises the trophy over his head and extends his other hand to HeadCoach who ignores FrizzleFry, as he has already seen this gag before and wasn't falling for it.

Throughout my tumultuous time here in the world of chaos that we so lovingly and freely enter into, I have never seen such a HeadCoach with the prowess and talent such as HeadCoach. I am so overjoyed at the awards being handed out to one of the all time kings of leadership and seriously look forward to what will come of it in months to come. 

Imperium applauses 

HeadCoach you are the very best in the whole world. Three times in a row you have laid claim to the greatest award known to man, the HeadCoach award. Wow

Imperium stands upon a desk and screams out,

Coach my Coach! 

Suddenly hundreds of nobodies pulled desks out infront of them and all proceeded to do the same thing. The streets echoed in loud applause as the voices chanted, COACH MY COACH. HeadCoach began to have a tear fall from his eye at the respect the streets were paying him. He was a living legend, one that the world would grow to miss should he ever leave these sho....streets. 

After a few moments. Imperium steps off the desk and watches as the world pays its respects to the Golden Coach Winner. 

Skidmark stands and applauds as FrizzleFry's name is called to accept the "Assistant Coach of the Year" award.  He's not salty in the least at not being chosen, since he always considered himself more of a player than a coach.  Just being nominated was a pleasant surprise...

*Wipes a single tear from his eye*

"Congratulations to all the nominees and recipients of these awards. I'm sure you did something to deserve them. I have watched and admired your careers from the day you all got off the boat in Chicago on the shores of Lake Michigan. It truly is an honor not just to be nominated for an award, but to work alongside such brilliant and hard working athletes such as yourselves. Also, to have the opportunity to watch the Jerome Award nominees enthrall us with their unique talents and showmanship. Bravo to everyone honored here today!"

HeadCoach, I am honoured to receive such a prestigious nomination. Your short stint in my temporary crew, Podiatry, allowed me to evolve me into the man I am today. I look back at the days I couldn't spin a basketball on my finger in disgust, but I am happy that those days are past me. It's a shame that I didn't get to lift a trophy, however I knew the competition I was up against. Congratulations on your big win.

"I would like to call for a recount and revote on 'THE JEROME AWARD FOR BEING THE BIGGEST JEROME'. I'm not sure who and how the original was voted, but in light of recent events there has clearly been an error of judgement made by someone.

Firstly, both Jerome and JustLookin are dead, leaving me the last man standing. By virtue of this fact, and because this isn't a posthumous  award I'm the victor by strength, and by bravery, and sheer luck.

Secondly, tonight in the face of adversity and anger, I managed perform an excellent Jerome manoeuvre. One that should be rewarded

Thirdly and most importantly, if FrizzleChip can claim an award he wasn't eligible for and walk away without a second glance, I should be able to do the same and claim the prize for myself."

Hobbs stepped forward and grabbed the trophy.

"This baby is coming all the way back to Las Vegas with me."

It is so wonderful to have you all here tonight, on my evening of triumph. A third Golden Coach HeadCoach of the Year award, what can I even say? 

I look at all of you - FrizzleFry, my former assistant coach, a man so humble, so determined to not have the spotlight, he's accepted the wrong award. Imperium, who cannot tell a lie, inciting riots in my name; tremendous. Skidmark, who works beside me to reform potential mafia basketballers from the Utter_Jeromes of dice games into the glute-dominant dunk artists you see wearing the JFMAST jersey every game. A worthy nominee and an elbow-throwing hellhound in man-to-man defense. twigs, who nearly put an end to my streak, but it was not to be. To flirt so closely with glory is not something most people will ever experience. You're a Golden Coach nominee, twigs, you're part of the 1%. Hobbs, oh sweet Hobbs, pre-show bettors favorite and continues to make his case stronger even after he's lost. Look, the trophy needs a home. You may as well keep it. No one (alive) has earned this more than you. 

Please, help yourselves to some water in a flimsy paper cup. There's enough for everyone.