𝕋ℍ𝔼 𝕊𝕋𝔸ℝ 𝕌ℕ𝔻𝔼ℝ𝕎𝕆ℝ𝕃𝔻 𝔼𝕏𝔸𝕄𝕀ℕ𝔼ℝ

𝕻𝖚𝖇𝖑𝖎𝖘𝖍𝖊𝖉 𝖎𝖓 𝕭𝖗𝖎𝖈𝖐𝖙𝖔𝖜𝖓, 𝕯𝖊𝖙𝖗𝖔𝖎𝖙, 𝕸𝖎𝖈𝖍. • 𝕱𝖗𝖎𝖉𝖆𝖞, 𝕵𝖚𝖓𝖊 03 • 𝖁𝖔𝖑 𝕴, 𝕹𝖔. 2

Special Guest Editor in Chief: Touch Of Evil

Editorial

Well, well, well, lookee here. It seems that the impressive girth of HeadCoach has managed to wrestle control of this oft maligned snoozepaper away from Jaws - at least for this issue and perhaps longer based on how the court case goes on Monday. HeadCoach was going to publish this issue himself, but we mysteriously got a new delivery of donuts at the JFMAST HQ today, and he is now otherwise engaged. BBB had voiced an interest in publishing todays issue, but was distracted when the coward Hobbs picked his pocket and tried to leg it across state lines. A well timed tackle from BBB was enough to see the snot beat right out of Hobbs and enough time for me to lock myself in the Editors office. I will of course be looking to make this a far more enjoyable read with lots of real news and insider exposés on some of our best and brightest. If the boss sees sense and  manages to maintain control of the paper, I'm sure I will be looking additional staff to help bring you your daily dose.

If you have any news, rumours, gossip or made up lies, please do not hesitate to drop me a line, and I'll ensure that your baseless accusations get published in the next issue or so.

Historic origin of bland name.

Social pariah and general misanthrope, Grin-22, has been busy of late, devising badly conceived competitions and generally rambling about his lot in life. His latest offering is a mugging competition with a $10 million first prize. SO far no one has died... so far. As we are all aware, and as the descendants of the Kuku line are oft to inform us off, MR competitions, particularly competitive writing ones are dangerous grounds with an unusually high death rate. However, this is all by the by. What we are here to discuss is the origins of the Grin name. Many people assume that it is due to the inane, stupid grin that he always has on his face. A grin made up of too much inbreeding and an over abundance of lead paint in his nursery when he was a child. In fact nothing could be further from the truth... well the inbreeding and lead paint are true, but the grin bit? totally untrue. In fact the origins of the name date back to over two years ago when Curtis and Grin were not purging people in any way shape or form, as witnessed by several dozen stalwarts at that time. Unbeknownst to many, Curtis was living amongst them under the pseudonym of Nipper, a Chinese Washer woman immigrant. At least I think she was a she, it could have been a he, but these old photos all look the same. Nipper and Grin of course were in the same crew, and it was Nipper who called him Grin. 

We at SUE (Did nobody think through the initials of this rag?) have discovered that Grin's real name is Glynn Jenkins, a 46 year old Virgin originally from somewhere up north where they eat pies and mash and gravy allegedly. Due to the casual racism that was inherent at that time (This was the 1920s after all) Nipper couldn't pronounce Glynn and could only say Grin, and such was the popularity of Nipper's Clothes cleaning business, and people's general disdain of Grin, that the nickname stuck. So there you have it. Did I tell you news was slow today? On a side note, Grin-22 will welcome any and all enquiries you may have about his name, its origins, his ancestors infamy or lack there off or just the 1920s in general delivered directly to his inbox - HERE.

Talk Shit, Get Banged

We have seen a large number of famous names being repeatedly eradicated from our streets, almost on a daily basis. Such notable bloodlines as Spike, Premeir, FlashFire, Honesty and that chick that Wheeler banged for not submitting a shot report for a whole month but who thought that submitting one at the last minute would see a reprieve. Most of these people have elected to stay independent of organised crime, despite some of them choosing to run their mouths, both in the streets and on IRC Avenue, which is their right, after all this is the land of the free, the home of the brave. After all, the right to freedom of expression is protected under the 1st amendment. However, we are the mob, we are not the senate, we are not the house of Representatives, we are a shower of bastards (today is a learning day, and now you know that the collective noun for a group of illegitimates is a shower). Its often said that you are free to make your choices, however the response is outside of your control, and this seems to be true. All over the country, shit talkers and independents are being killed on a daily basis. 

Added to this is the almost constant spate of high profile suicides. Two Bosses, a Capo, a Made Man, and several Wiseguys in the last week alone. This throws up a lot of questions? Do they know something that we don't? Are they willing to stay independent or die because they fear or mistrust the powers that be? One thing is true, you won't find any answers here. A wise man once said 'The dead know only one thing, it is better to be alive' but this reporter thinks the MR dead might tell a different story. So if you are dead, have taken your own life, or preferred to stay independent, drop me a line and we'll talk about it, after all i will print anything.

Detroit Bingo

Some no name C**t has made a speech in the streets enacting a new competition. However this isn't any old PP competition, no its not dear reader, its a mugging competition. To be honest, I didn't pay much attention to it, let alone listen to his inane ramblings, but suffice it to say that you get points for mugging the shit out of people. 10 for the Coach, 5 for Grin for some unfathomable reason, and 25 for Jaws, with notable other personalities giving between 2 and 9 points, and the rest of you schlubs worth 1 point. Its basically just 1 big mug fest. But why would you want to beat down your fellow man, I mean other than Grin, sorry Glynn, in any case? Well that's a fairly easy question to answer... there is $10 million on the line. I remember a time when 10 mill was considered a lot of money, beaucoup money. Not so much anymore, after all, you could just stop by the Iron Bank and relieve them of some of their ill gotten gains, or so Spike would have you believe, that is if you don't mind doing business with the Commies. And remember, you aren't allowed to do business with the Pinkos. Its bad enough with the FBN breathing down our necks for murder, organised crime and drug dealing, without Joseph R McCarthy and J Edgar Hoover beating our doors down and blacklisting us legitimate businessmen as commies. So come to DT and mug the shit out of Grin... erm some Detroit ballers.

Charity begins in Summerlin

At 3:36 pm today, Hobbs was caught riffling through a donation basket placed in the BBB building in LV. Donations were being taken in order to fund the life, liberty and pursuit of balls project, which aims to bring basketball to the poor, downtrodden and disadvantaged masses (The Children man, won't somebody think of the children?). Shortly thereafter Hobbs was pursued and apprehended by local ballers and all stolen funds returned (plus interest). This shocking act took place only minutes after the BBB had negotiated the release of Hobbs from a local prison where he had been left abandoned by his followers. It should be noted that the BBB presence within LV is justified and legal as its activities are allegedly governed by federal law and their investigations cannot be restricted by local policies (or so I've been lead to believe, however that last bit could be a big pile of horseshit). 
A spokesman for the BBB stated "That there investigation was ongoing and that they could not comment further", however, he did believe that "a peaceful solution could still be reached and that recent actions on both sides did nothing but escalate the situation." More on this breaking story if we can be bothered to write it.

One year on

Yesterday was the 1st anniversary of the Coronation of Queen Elizabeth II, royal figurehead of the United Kingdoms of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and of the Commonwealth Nations. Queen Elizabeth acceded to the throne on the 6th February 1952 after the death of her father, King George VI, and was coronated... that doesn't sound right... and her Coronation was on the 2nd June the following year. It has been a busy year for her Majesty, assuming the mantle of head of her nations and going on a visit to 13 different countries and travelling some 40,000 miles in preparation for ascending to the throne. It also saw the death of her Paternal Grandmother Victoria Mary Augusta Louise Olga Pauline Claudine Agnes Teck, or Queen Mary as she had been known on 24th March 1953, although Mary had made Elizabeth or Betsie as she affectionately called her Granddaughter promise to keep the Coronation date regardless. Should you be in London, or happen to be in a country the Queen is visiting then take a gander at the splendour, pomp and pageantry, its not like she'll be around for 70 years. 

SPORTS

Honestly, its June, not a lot of sport going on at the moment, just some stupid Basketball games and some Golf perhaps. Bill Vukovich took the lead on lap 150 to win his second consecutive Indianapolis 500; setting a record 130.840 mph average race speed in the process. 

Dutch bishops have forbidden membership to non-catholic sporting clubs.

Czech distance runner Emile Zatopek breaks his own 10,000m world record, clocking 28:54.2 in Brussels, Belgium

And finally if you feel like placing a wager, I'd back Milwaukee Braves spot starting pitcher Jim Wilson to throw the first non-hitter in the history of County Stadium. I also expect the Braves to win 2-0 over the Philadelphia Phillies because as we all know, Philadelphia sucks.