As we all know, Detroit is a Mug-mandatory city, the first of its kind within the country. This type of pioneering dynamism has epitomised HeadCoach's meteoric rise to #unranked in the rogue-a-thon standings, ever since he first opened his field-gym in Bricktown during the war.

This, as with mafia basketball as a whole, has been met with widespread delight across the community. People everywhere are partaking in the almost-harmless pastime of mugging. Sons are mugging mothers, daughters are beating fathers to within an inch of their lives, Grandma is thumbing through the pocket money she just took back from your ungrateful bloodstained pocket; it is a beautiful time to be alive.

In the spirit of this healthy pursuit, I am setting out a challenge. Starting from now, we're going to play a little Detroit Bingo. The rules are simple, for each member of Detroit whom you manage to successfully mug, the more points you get. The person with the most points one week from now will win the prize. The prize is $10,000,000.

Now, like any good athlete knows, some people are just better than others. There is no comparison between HeadCoach and Hobbs for example, because one is the head of an elite mafia basketball organization and one is sat in Summerlin, failing to ban ball games with barely an art gallery success on his resume. Accordingly, the points for mugging different members of the JFMAST roster are as follows:

HeadCoach - 10 points

FrizzleFry - 9 points

Skidmark - 7 points

MikeTyson - 5 points 

Grin-22 - 5 points

Conqueeftador - 3 points

Mikus_ - 3 points

Touch_Of_Evil - 2 points

Everyone else is worth 1 point

And just because he sucks a big bag of dicks and I want to see him beat to within an inch of his life as often as possible....

Jaws - 25 points

The grand prize of $10,000,000 will go to the person who manages to accumulate the most points across the week.

Bonus prizes will be awarded for taking the most money, the best whisper, the best mugging of Jaws, and as always, the best story about Hobbs being a rube. Maybe more if anyone excels in other hilarious ways. 

All successful mugs MUST be bragged about right here to be eligible. Don't keep them to yourselves, spread the love. As probably the finest proponents of mugging across the country, the contest is open to all members of Detroit too, including those named above. 

Time for some Detroit Bingo!

JFMAST members will, as is standard procedure, pickpocket anyone and anything within the Detroit city limits at the soonest possible eligiblity in which they are able, all day long. It's team policy to take an hour off between pickpocketing, to hydrate, stretch and watch some film to review what they did well & how they can improve, but the opportunities will still be plentiful.

Just this morning, I would've nabbed a cool 5 points for grabbing Grin-22 by the ankles and swinging him around like an Olympic hammer throw. 

Jun 03, 12:54:36    You caught up with Grin-22, beat them within an inch of their life, and took $13,638

I must warn you all, I am as slippery as an eel on waterslide and as stealthy as the last feta cube in a Greek salad. Come and get me, ding dongs. 

HeadCoach likes to brag about the 14 times he's beaten me to within an inch of my life. Like any Detroit native, I say big fucking deal. There is barely a day that goes by where I don't get beaten to within an inch of my life. I welcome the ventilator. I always bounce back. Nobody puts baby in the laundry room. And 14? So what. That's only just over half of the near life-ending smashings I've had. Going soft, Coach:

May 15, 08:43:20    HeadCoach caught up to you and beat you down. They took $53,228 back.
May 16, 19:06:51    Nicola-Trevisani caught up to you and beat you down. They took $0 back.
May 17, 14:41:24    HeadCoach caught up to you and beat you down. They took $940,000 back.
May 17, 22:14:37    HeadCoach caught up to you and beat you down. They took $70,798 back.
May 18, 10:58:27    FrizzleFry caught up to you and beat you down. They took $48,006 back. As they walk away they say, "The JFMAST way is to always mug".
May 18, 17:57:36    HeadCoach caught up to you and beat you down. They took $4,271 back.
May 19, 10:10:42    HeadCoach caught up to you and beat you down. They took $145,054 back.
May 20, 00:56:07    Salvatore-Lucchese caught up to you and beat you down. They took $9,103 back.
May 20, 08:09:12    HeadCoach caught up to you and beat you down. They took $1,214,254 back. As they walk away they say, "I'm going to beat you so hard you get demoted".
May 20, 20:04:52    Shield-Hero caught up to you and beat you down. They took $0 back. As they walk away they say, "....".
May 21, 07:30:41    Wish caught up to you and beat you down. They took $0 back.
May 21, 17:43:39    HeadCoach caught up to you and beat you down. They took $481,747 back. As they walk away they say, "Not so fast, son".
May 22, 08:45:13    HeadCoach caught up to you and beat you down. They took $75,625 back. As they walk away they say, "This one's for FMP".
May 23, 14:45:56    HeadCoach caught up to you and beat you down. They took $66 back. They also stole your gun. As they walk away they say, "Nice try, Jerome-22".
May 24, 14:38:48    Clarissa caught up to you and beat you down. They took $5,492 back.
May 25, 12:22:17    HeadCoach caught up to you and beat you down. They took $0 back. As they walk away they say, "Bing bong".
May 26, 12:49:37    FrizzleFry caught up to you and beat you down. They took $47,451 back.
May 27, 10:33:45    HeadCoach caught up to you and beat you down. They took $1,002 back. As they walk away they say, "Dilly dilly".
May 27, 14:59:46    HeadCoach caught up to you and beat you down. They took $2,300 back. They also stole your gun. As they walk away they say, "Dilly dilly".
May 28, 07:18:00    Mikus_ caught up to you and beat you down. They took $3,145 back. As they walk away they say, "JFMAST 4EVA".
May 28, 19:10:49    Steveo caught up to you and beat you down. They took $58,588 back.
Jun 01, 12:54:40    MikeTyson caught up to you and beat you down. They took $0 back. As they walk away they say, "Thanketh for the tip friend".
Jun 01, 13:57:29    HeadCoach caught up to you and beat you down. They took $0 back. As they walk away they say, "Put your Hobbs mask on".
Jun 03, 12:54:36    HeadCoach caught up to you and beat you down. They took $13,638 back. As they walk away they say, "BOOOOOYAAAAAAH, this one's for you Big Al".

Right now I'm taking some BOOOOOOYAAAAAAH-related downtime. Soon though I'll be back on the court and dare any of you to try and score 5 points from me.  

This is a great activity to measure the athletic prowess of those outside of Detroit. It is widely known that Detroit is the home of the best athletes and, specifically, mafia basketball players in the world, but what about those in the rest of the country? Do they have the endurance and stamina to chase down an elite athlete and beat him or LadyBananaFace in hand to hand combat?

How about LittleBunnyFooFoo, the LHM of Hobbs?

NOPE! Can't, or won't, defend the honor of Summerlin. I walked away without a scratch.

Or what about the adventure seeker and keeper of the sacred urinal cake, Indiana-Jones?

Not a chance. Not even if I was soaked in urine, which seems to be what motivates him to pick up the pace. Right after BINGO commenced, I thought I would give Indiana the opportunity to start off ahead of the pack, but instead he slinked away to his hole.

I think it's safe to say where the extravagant prizes will NOT be going. I cannot foresee any outcome which results in the slow and lazy being able to subdue a Detroit athlete. Summerlin will not be winning any prizes today. Probably not tomorrow, either.

Hobbs has been successful, out of pure luck and bribery, on occasion. We all know how his one success at tackling me ended - me losing a bit of chump change and Hoobs with a sore butthole, compliments of the entire prison guard staff in LA.

I hope we can make this competitive, so I encourage everyone to step it up and take your shot at success. To the residents of Summerlin, I encourage you to defy the basketball ban in Summerlin and visit the Detroit Mafia Basketball Gym to get in the sort of shape necessary to compete with elite athletes. Don't worry about Hoobs catching you at the gym. He won't get within 1000 feet of anywhere that might require exercise.

Good luck to everyone!

The good thing about a public event like this is that it also offers a platform to name & shame the participants who did not succeed at their task.

Jun 03, 13:38:14    You PICKPOCKETED! Trinity. You took $223.

$223 in the bank and not even a kick to the kidneys to show for it. Trinity wears an 'Imug' badge proudly but when the stakes were high and the opportunity arose to clutch a beatdown on the most unbeatdownable man in mafia basketball, the crowd were left wanting. Boooooooooo. Everybody boo. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

We here at the BBB support this completion and all it stands for. 

Jun 03, 13:54:06

You caught up with Henson, beat them within an inch of their life, and took $1,828

"To clarify, I will not shoot sisterIvoryDarkmore under any circumstances.

I did just pick moonlight's pocket though."

Jun 03, 14:55:54You PICKPOCKETED! Moonlight. You took $742.

Jaws, while I hope that does not happen, I am going to have to - on behalf of the contest organizer Grin-22, mug victim extraordinaire - deny your request to exclude RaymondPatriarca from the competition, as well as reprimand you for your initial non-threat to shoot sisterIvoryDarkmore if she were to PP or mug you. That's bad basketball. Detroit is famous for being the most mug-positive city in the country and it breaks my heart to see one of my own all-stars attempt to exclude individuals from taking part in our favorite pastime. Everyone is free to pickpocket and mug in Detroit, not even God himself can stop us or I'll toss that dummy a beatdown as well. You are to relinquish your ownership of the Star Underworld Examiner to JFMAST management at once, until further notice. Issue 2 will be published under our keen editorial eye. 

In the meantime:

Jun 03, 14:59:53    You PICKPOCKETED! Kitt. You took $1,459.

I'm dodging mugs like my wife dodges hugs (from me). Better luck next time, Kitt. 

Grin-22 I am very disappointed in my lowly status here, a mere two points? You seem to forget that I have, despite my alcoholism, clawed my way from the gutter, into the JFMAST life, under HeadCoach, who saw fit to appoint me as Assistant-Assistant to the Concession Stand. Everyone needs peanuts, peanuts and hotdogs and popcorn and sodas and cigarettes and those big foam hands that say JFMAST #1 and Jaws Sucks. And who is gonna sling that merch, you? I think not sonny Jim my lad, I think not. You can barely sling jock straps into the laundry bin. Well I took that challenge, and I slung that Merch, I sold the shit out of those cool smoking Morley's^TM and I slapped the shit out of those foam hands. And now look at me! All up here with my Assistant Managership of the Concession Stand... do you have any comprehension what that even means? I can cover the evening and weekend Duty Manager shifts when the Duty Manager is sick or out entertaining HeadCoach's wife whilst he is at Courtside antagonising the opposition and intimidating the waterboys. I can order in stock for the store room lots of stock, I bet you don't even know the wholesale price of a bag of wieners. You probably don't even know why wieners come in 10s and Hotdog rolls come in 12s? 2 lousy points! I may be blind, and I may have the stealth of HeadCoach after a meal of beans and brisket, but I sir, have my pride. Good day to you!

Jun 03, 16:00:19    You tried to PICKPOCKET! Geralt.

A Las Vegas Consigliere, Geralt himself, in my own backyard here in Detroit. He swatted my hands away but didn't quite have the lift off to keep up with Coach in the 100m sprint. They called me Rolling Thunder in high school athletics. I was the only accredited sprinter ever designated three lanes on the track to accomodate my muscular frame. Will anyone get a mug off on old Coach? It's like trapping a jungle cat. You're in more danger than I am. I'll be in the sauna getting a steam on until my next attempt. 

Ah glorious day.

My earlier serving of pocket fellatio went unnoticed.  Alas, not this time.  Congratulations Paperinik

Jun 03, 16:38:40    You PICKPOCKETED! Ryan. You took $22.

A ghost pulled me out of the sauna and straight into Ryan buying a muesli cup at the JFMAST canteen. Couldn't have that. Team members only. I grabbed his wallet and never broke eye contact once. And yet here I stand, unmugged and glorious, a testament to the capabilities of man. If a soft light permanently emanated off my girth, it would still not be enough to declare to the world my eminence. Don't worry, champ. Most men blanch under the imposing shadow of HeadCoach.

"After the recent shenanigans of he writing competitions, in which I'm still waiting to receive my reward of $35 million or ten credits, I'm surprised to see another Detroit sponsored sham enter the streets. I can only imagine what kind of nonsense Grin-22 has dreamt up to avoid paying up. Seriously, if extremely respectable and beloved folks like Jaws can let me down, I'm not sure what the rest of you sewer dwellers will dream up.

Not one single member of Detroit has been able to successfully pickpocket me (Not surprising when you see my massive entourage of very real bodyguards following me around), and my other concern you won't even attempt to, thus denying me of the opportunity to get revenge. When I punched Skidmark so hard he shat himself it made me realise that all your commentary and claims of athletic superiority were a sham.

I'll see you in Detroit shortly, and I'll be bringing with me my cleaning bucket for 12th Street, and my bitch slapping hand for the rest of you."

"Mr Hoobs, we ask that in future you refrain from rummaging through our donations basket. We will not pickpocket you sir, we are simply carrying out our investigation in Lv. However, if prompted will will mug your ass  AGAIN"

"Triple B, as I've already told you, you have no jurisdiction in Summerlin. You can go piss in the wind as famous philosopher once said. Hopefully the wind is against you, and will blow right back into your face."

Hobbs takes a routine scan of the leader board

"It also appears I'm worth zero points sir. My commentary was on the lack of trustworthy behaviour there is in Detroit. I didn't want to go there but I can. Let us not forget that Headcoach refused to provide a protection whack (I think all his shots are protection shots based on his attempts today on Mr Durden's family?) to Constipated and left him to die. Constipated. The very man responsible for the formation of the JFMAST team.

If Coach will leave him to die, are any of us truly safe? Will he honourably pay out when the Bingo ends?"

I think we'll leave that for the tabloid newspapers to speculate on. 

Funny that you should mention $35,000,000, Hobbs, I recently came into that exact amount and felt that it should be used to reward anyone who manages to walk the Detroit mile. That won't be you though. A man with so many number nerds in his shadow is clearly not going to be dishing out any beatings. I've seen your omelettes, paler than milk and eggs still embarrassingly fully formed. 

Anyway, this is no writing competition - I don't need that smoke and nobody needs to die over a friendly near-death whipping. You get the points, you'll get the money. Not you, Hobbs, no. Apologies for any confusion. Natural selection has made that impossible. I should really have said "one". One gets the points, one gets the money.

    Jun 03, 16:15:41    You PICKPOCKETED! Tony-Leonetti. You took $985.

Tony-Leonetti had a chance to put Philly on the map, he blew it. 5 points down the drain. East coast, west coast, the moon? I don't even know. At least it isn't Summerlin, it has that going for it. Good job, Ton'. 

BBB out in front with his point for kicking Henson's teeth out. The Detroit way. Love to see it.

Detroit's reputation as the world's center of mugging is known by many, but experienced by few. I hope that this will help more people to experience the thrill of a good ole mug.

I for one will be keeping my pockets lined with the finest of sports-related articles. Tubes of heat-rub, ice-packs for the bumps, perhaps one might even find a discount coupon for sneakers in there. My pockets are deep.

Jun 03, 21:55:28    You PICKPOCKETED! Imperium. You took $643.
Jun 03, 20:44:49    You caught up with Imperium, beat them within an inch of their life, and took $0

Oh Imperium. You took a beatdown from Coach. Fair enough. Join the list. You could build the pyramids with the amount of people I've mugged. But to not notice a man of this size, this mass, this INSANE muscle density, that takes a guy with wildly underperforming peripheral vision. I'm stealthy. We all know it. But stealthy enough to sneak up incognito on someone I've just mugged? This one's on you, bud. That's 643 bucks towards the JFMAST whole-grain cracker fund.