Geralt of Rivia, also known as The White Wolf and The Butcher of Blaviken, walked out into the streets with an armful of leaflets. He began posting them on telephone poles and notice boards all across the city. He made his way down to the old corner where most folks made announcements and such, and held up one of the leaflets for all to see.

Blaviken Beach Golf Club Proudly Presents:

The First Annual twigs Memorial Golf Tournament

July 15th 00:00 through July 22nd 00:00

Blaviken Beach Golf Club, Los Angeles, CA

Hear ye, here ye! Come one come all to the first annual twigs memorial golf tournament. Proceeds will be used to pay for twigs assisted living services, and impending internment at a nursing home of Hobbs' choice.

Entry Fee: 5 Credits per round, play up to three rounds 

Prizes provided by the great generosity of cheeselord Squishy and the much less impressive generosity of Geralt

1 pied piper for each contestant

1st Place: 50% of credit pot, 1 Quad, 4 CA, 4 Drug dealing perk, 4 Super VIP, 4 PP perk, 30 favors

2nd Place: 30% of credit pot, 3 CAs, 3 Drug dealing perk, 3 Super VIP, 3 PP perk, 20 favors

3rd Place: 20% of credit pot, 2 CAs 2 Drug dealing perk, 2 PP perk, 10 favors

Details of tournament rules and regulations can be found here

Geralt smiled as the crowd squinted to see the tiny flyer in his hand. 

"I will be hosting a golf tournament at the grand opening of my new golf club. The details are in the flyer. I will return here to this corner each day to announce scores and give a bit of commentary on the rounds as they take place. Simply wire me the entry fee and head out to the course to begin playing!

Due to my Witcher mutations, I would have an obviously unfair advantage over you normal humans, and therefore I will not be participating in the competition. The prize funds will be held in my savings account (insured by FDIC) until completion of the tournament and payout of prizes.

Looking forward to seeing you there!"

"And the tournament has begun!" Geralt proclaimed. "A couple of announcements before I begin commentary of the first contestants: People have asked a couple questions.

• Can I pay for all three rounds at once?
  • Certainly! However, you can only play one round per day, so we will run your second and third rounds as the competition progresses.
• Do I need to travel to the course and make an appearance each of my three rounds?
  • No, one visit will suffice. You are welcome to visit more often if you wish though.
• Why do I need to visit LA at all? Its so far away :(
  • Because we are not yet so progressed as a society that we can play telepathic golf. Hopefully someday soon! Come to the course and play your game, for the sake of commerce! If the flight cost is too steep, please contact Hobbs for assistance, he has generously started a flight reimbursement fund!

Now, onward we go. I've just returned from the telegram office, and I have a transcript of the commentary for you all detailing the exploits of our first two contestants! Allow me to read to you:

First up at the links was luciano_lucky, eager to get us started and chomping at the bit to hit the course. Starting off decently, lucky pars the first hole and sinks a nice putt for birdie on the second. He follows up with another par, before finally running into trouble on the par 3 fourth hole. He shanks his tee shot directly into the stream mid-fairway. After taking a drop, his anger is obvious and he tops his next shot - directly into the stream again, wow. He's now on his sixth shot of the hole, from about 100 yards out. It's a clean hit, oh my this looks really good...AND IT'S IN! Lucky certainly is lucky as he sinks his shot from 100 yards out to save himself from real trouble, he settles on a triple bogie.

Settling down from that rough hole, Lucky pars the fourth hole and plays very well on the sixth - the hole from hell. He birdies it like a pro. Hole 7 is another birdie, does this guy play on tour? Another par on the 8th, and some poor putting on the ninth results in an unfortunate bogey. He makes the turn to the back nine with a running line of +1 over par - really not bad after that difficult situation on the 4th hole.

Lucky begins the back nine looking like an absolute fucking beast: birdie on 10, 11, AND 12. He stays steady with a par on 13, another birdie on 14 and one more par on 15. He is absolutely flying through the back nine.

He gets distracted by the hot dog stand behind hole 16, which is understandable considering how hungry he must be. He settles for a double bogey, but is still having a really strong day. He stays even on seventeen with strong play on the par 5, and finishes up his afternoon with another birdie to round out the card at a solid two under par for the day. What an opening round!

Next up for a round is BeefWellington, the beefiest beefy boy I personally know. Man does he smell tasty...

Sorry, I'm getting distracted. He tees off from the first hole, in all of his beefy glory. His shots a straight and he birdies nicely on a ten foot putt. The second hole is much of the same, with Beef sinking another birdie on two. A strong start!

And then the wheels come off.

The par 4 third hole, one of those "easy" holes that doesn't really stand out in your memory - until it takes you 10 shots to get in the cup. Beefwellington sprays shots all over the course, onto other fairways, into sand traps and trees, and never even makes the green. After his 10th swing and shank, he picks up the ball and we have our first max out of the competition. Brutal.

Regaining his composure quickly, Beefy birdies the par 3 fourth hole, and follow up with back to back pars on the fifth and sixth - no mean feats on those two holes. But then his demons come back again - he shanks his tee shot on seven and ends up with a double bogey - and then does the SAME THING on hole eight.

Hole nine goes much better, and beef finishes off the front nine on a birdie putt, leaving his front score at a queasy +6 over par. 

Beefy starts off the back nine solidly, sinking a nice putt for birdie on the tenth hole. His performance on 11 is the highlight of the tournament so far: His tee shot on the par 5 plays up to the curve perfectly, and his second shot with his 3 wood is just as perfect. He's on the green and putting from fifteen feet for eagle. He kneels down and judges the slope and lines up...and he sinks it! What a shot, we have our first eagle of the tournament! Talk about highs and lows, Beef is the first to sink an eagle, and the first to record a max score of 10 on a hole.

And then the wheels come off - again.

Hole 12, another seemingly forgettable par 4 with no major hazards, once again proves to be the BeefWellington kryptonite. Once more he shanks every single shot he takes, and never ends up finding the hole. He does get on the green, but misses an easy tapper from six inches and can't save himself from a second max 10 of his day. Dreadful, dreadful.

At this point, commentary on the rest of his round is pointless. After two maxes, he has little to no chance of being competitive. His final holes, in order: bogey, par, bogey, birdie, birdie, par. He finishes the day with a +9 over par 85 for the round. Good thing he already purchased another two rounds, because that just ain't gonna do it.

And there you have it, our first two golfers in the books. We have also received payment from miss Cheetara and mister swarles, but they have yet to report to the course for their rounds. Stay tuned for more commentary!

"The action is heating up here on day one of the memorial tournament. Three more golfers have teed off out in sunny Los Angeles and we'll be tuning into them live via radio broadcast. But first I wanted to give those of you who are only spectating a bit more detail on the course, or for those who may be on the fence about heading out west to see it."

Geralt passes around a few course maps he brought directly from the course:

Hole 1

The first hole, a 500 yard par 5, is a classic course opener. Directly behind the clubhouse it begins, with a small duck pond twenty yards in front of the tee box. Nothing like topping your first shot into the water! Be careful, it's probably full of drowners.

Hole 2

The second hole is a par 4 that stretches 420 yards. For no particular reason, the green on this hole is rather larger than normal, making it easier to reach. No idea why they did that.

Hole 3

A standard par 4, hole three spans 395 yards and has a slight dogleg left. A sand trap to the right of this dogleg can be problematic.

Hole 4

The fourth hole is the first par 3 of the course, at a measly 255 yards. A small stream runs perpendicular to the fairway, but a strong tee shot should clear it with little issue.

Hole 5

Nothing of note here, trees on the side of the fairway and a small bunker near the green. 377 yards, a bit on the short side for a par 4.

Hole 6

Hole six is absolute fucking hell. 666 yards of pure misery, this par 6 hole is nothing to mess with. It features four sand traps, two water hazards, a tiny green, narrow fairway, and tall rough near the woods on each side. A small lava pit behind the green may or may not actually exist, for legal purposes.

Hole 7

230 yard par 3 hole seven is a weird one: there are no trees anywhere near the fairway or green. Due to this fact, the wind tends to impact shots a lot harder on this hole. Be careful, and watch for flying twigs!

Hole 8

Another basic ass par 4, this hole stretches a modest 407 yards with a slight curve to the right.

Hole 9

Just before the turn is the par 4, 394 yard hole nine. The clubhouse is just beyond the green, meaning an overhit ball could strike a window and cause insurance issues. Gotta make a profit somehow.

Hole 10

The shortest hole on the course, hole 10 is a 215 yard par 3, making for a bit of an easy start after you reach the back nine.

Hole 11

Eleven is a short par five that stretches 487 yards. It has a near 90 degree turn right in the middle, making it difficult to place your second shot.

Hole 12

388 yards of pure blandness, the par 4 twelfth hole is fairly straight down the middle with no major obstacles.

Hole 13

Unlucky hole number thirteen. Rumor has it that this hole is haunted by either a noonwraith or a lady in white - eyewitness accounts seem to differ depending on the skill of the golfer in question. 412 yards long and bordered by woods on either side, most golfers play the thirteenth hole as quickly as possible and move on.

Hole 14

The fourteenth hole is the other par 6 on the course, and the longest hole at a monstrous 700 yards. Whoever designed this hole clearly thought size over substance, because there are no hazards other than trees on either side of a direct straightaway from tee box to green.

Hole 15

Fifteen is a par 4 at 419 yards. In stark contrast to the previous hole, fifteen is a "double dogleg," which means it first curves to the left, and then back to the right soon after. Careful placement is key on this hole.

Hole 16

Hole number 16 is when hunger begins to set in. Unfortunately for golfers, there is a hot dog stand directly behind the green, and the scent of warm wieners wafts on the wind up to the tee box, making concentration very difficult until you get one. It's a par 4 of exactly 400 yards, if you care about that kind of thing. 

Hole 17

The seventeenth hole is the final par 5 of the course, standing at 475 yards. There always seems to be two big fat naked bikers in the woods off 17 having sex, how are you supposed to CHIP with that, Doug?

Hole 18

The eighteenth and final hole of the course is a short par 4, sitting at 325 yards. Fairly straight on, Geralt himself actually got a hole in one on the eighteenth hole once. Can you believe that? A hole in one on a par four. He could do wonders for the tour. You could possibly get a hole in one yourself, but since you don't have Witcher mutations it's probably not likely.

"Right then." Geralt sets a radio on a stool next to him and cranks it up to full blast.

"Teeing off next is Hobbs, leader of the infamous three star mob. Lets hope his game has a better rating than his hotels. He begins the first hole and it's not pretty: he completely whiffs on his first attempt. There is some commotion as he argues with the official about whether or not it was a practice swing or if he just sucks. The official stands his ground and the miss counts against Hobbs' stroke. Obviously angry, Hobbs smashes his next shot - straight into the duck pond. He rushes into the pond headfirst, fighting off drowners and turtles and whatnot, but can't find the ball. He has to take a drop. Already on his 4th shot of the par five, he shanks another one before a nice chip and putt combo to finish the hole on a double bogey. Hole two goes much better for Hobbs, as he lays up nicely for an easy birdie putt. He ends up in the trees on three, but escapes nicely to hold it to a bogey.

Hobbs evens out on four and five, saving par on both holes with nice fairway control, before teeing off on the dreaded sixth hole. The par 6 has yet to live up to it's sinister reputation, and Hobbs has no trouble reaching the green in regulation. But then the heat from the lava pool on the backside of the green gets to him and he misses his par shot. He ends up with a 7 for the hole, another bogey. The par 3 seventh hole offers Hobbs a reprieve, he sticks the green in one but continues to struggle with his short game, missing the birdie putt and settling for another par.

Hobbs absolutely YEETS his drive on eight, hitting his shot miraculously close to 400 yards: he's on the green and putting for eagle! If only he could flatten out his short game, this could be huge. He lines it up, plays the slope perfectly...its rolling, and rolling, will it have enough juice?

IT'S IN! Hobbs sinks a beautiful twenty foot putt for eagle. He stays the course on nine, sinking another nice putt for par to bring his front nine total to a very respectable +1 over par 38 strokes.

He takes advantage of the short par 3 tenth hole as both the previous competitors have, driving to the green with his 6 iron and sinking the birdie putt. The par 5 eleventh hole proves no issue for Hobbs, as he saves another par, his short game is really coming along as his round progresses. He birdies twelve with little issue and runs into a bit of a wraith issue on 13. He settles for bogey and promptly takes intermission to go change his underwear.

He's on the fourteenth hole, the longest of the course, and on line to finish with a really nice round score. But his tee shot slices HARD to the right, and winds up hitting a spectator on the noggin. Visibly shaken, Hobbs overhits his next shot into the trees on the opposite side of the fairway, and then when trying to escape the trees, hits his shot directly off a tree and it caroms all the way across the fairway and into the spectators again. This guy better have a good lawyer. He's still a good 500 yards from the hole and continues to struggle, hitting back into the trees on the opposite side. This is the straightest hole on the course, what is going on? After several more attempt to escape the forest, Hobbs gives it up for a bad job and settles for a max out of quadruple bogey 10. I suppose if you're going to fall apart, do it on a par 6.

Hobbs looks like a totally different golfer on fifteen, taking only three shots to get in the hole and recording a birdie. He pars sixteen and ignores the bikers on seventeen to sink a birdie putt. He shows great control on 18, with a strong drive and layup onto the green. He putts it in for birdie to finish his day with a very respectable 77, +1 over par.

Next up will be a pairing: Swarles and Sosabowski will play together to save time and gas money. 29 cents a gallon who are they kidding???

Stay tuned!

The radio broadcast continues...

"We're back at hole one where Swarles and Sosabowski are about to tee off. Swarles will go first: A good clean drive to start off the day, followed by solid fairway play and an easy putt for birdie. A strong start for Swarles. The general lines up next and similarly smokes his tee shot right down the middle, following it up with another strong shot and and nice putt to sink a birdie of his own. Both golfers looked comfortable on this par 5.

The second hole is much like the first, with each golfer basically mimicking the other as they head down the fairway. They both sink their par putts from about ten feet and move on to three, hand in hand. Swarles runs into a bit of trouble here, hitting his third shot into a bunker off the green. He chips out of the pit and onto the green, and is able to sink his bogey putt to save things from getting worse. Sosabowski stays even on the hole, avoiding the sand trap and sinking a putt for par. The pair flip flop on hole four, with Swarles shooting par and Sosabowski tallying his first bogey of the afternoon.

Hole five is where things get interesting: General Sosabowski absolutely YOKES his tee shot, at least 350 yards and it rolls onto the green with ease. He'll be putting for eagle. Clearly intimidated by this powerful drive, Swarles steps up and shanks his drive off to the left and into the trees. It takes him three more shots to get on the green. Swarles sinks his putt for bogey, and Sosa has a relatively easy fifteen footer for eagle.

Swarles becomes the first true victim of hole number six. He hits all four sand traps on his way to a triple bogey - he's earning a nickname here: "Sandman Swarles." Sosabowski keeps his shots true and manages a par on the par 6, not bad at all. Swarles hits what looks to be a beautiful tee shot on seven - only for the wind to catch it midair and, incredibly - blow it into another sand trap. By the end of the hole the sandman is all snarls, logging another triple bogey. Sosabowski stays consistent, with another nice par for the hole. Both golfers struggle a bit on hole eight, with sandman Swarles scoring a double bogey and General Sosa a slightly less bad regular bogey. The struggles continue for Snarls on hole 9, as he struggles to recover from all the sand in his shoes. Another bogey for the sandman. Sosa manages to save par with a nice nine foot putt after some good layup play.

The front nine concludes with the scores sitting at Sosabowski with a very impressive -1 under 36, and sandman Swarles with a ghastly +10 over par 47. Yikes.

They make the turn and head to the back nine, Sosa looking confident and Swarles grim as all hell. The shortest hole on the course, par 3 #10 is where Swarles gets back on track - he misses the ace by about eight inches, and then taps it in for birdie and a strong start to the back. Sosa chooses to use his pitching wedge to tee off, in a bout of extreme overconfidence, and ends up shorting the green by about fifty yards. His next shot is better, landing him within feet of the hole, and he sinks the par putt. The eleventh hole is a par 5, and Swarles takes advantage of his newfound confidence, staying fairway centered and sinking an easy birdie putt. Sosabowski does well enough, sinking another par and still looking confident.

The 12th hole goes much in the same way: Sosabowski saves par, and Swarles sinks another birdie putt: that's three birdies in a row! Where was this guy on the front 9? Both golfers run into trouble on 13, which so far has been the most consistently difficult hole in the tournament. Unsure if it is the alleged ghosts on the fairway or something else, but both golfers slot in bogeys for this one. On to hole 14, par six and the longest hole on course, where Swarles stays hot and keeps himself at par for the hole - probably because there are no sand traps on 14. Sosabowski, however, tries once again tries to show off his driving prowess only to fail epically. He pops his tee shot almost directly vertical into the air. He got so far under it, when it lands it has wild backspin and rolls back towards and beyond him. He's now shooting his second shot from behind the tee box. His next three shots aren't much better, and he struggles to find the green from so far away. He ends up with a brutal triple bogey 9 for the hole. 

The general recovers quickly however, blasting his tee shot on fifteen over both doglegs and rolling it all the way up to the green! What a shot, he's got about 30 feet to the hole - and he sinks a bending long range putt for EAGLE! His second of the day! Sosabowski might just be on his way to saving this round. Swarles stays consistent with another par - he is having a really nice back nine here. He follows it up with a nice birdie on sixteen as well. Sosabowski steps up to hole 16 riding high from that eagle a few minutes ago, and he can smell hotdogs in the air as he blasts another drive nearly 400 yards and just shy of the green. He rushes up to his ball and lines up a chip....he walks off toward the hot dog stand, clearly starving, not even looking at his ball as it plops onto the green and slowly rolls....right into the cup. BACK TO BACK EAGLES!?!? Who is this guy?

Just two holes left now as the pair head up to 17 - is it just me or is Sosabowski walking funnily? He seems to be clenching, I think he ate far too many hot dogs. It shows as he is clearly uncomfortable on all of his shots, he struggles to keep them straight and get much distance behind them. He struggles to score a triple bogey. Swarles quietly goes about his business, sinking another birdie to bring his back nine total to five birdies.

Eighteen goes by in a flash, with Sosa rushing his way through to a bogey and then sprinting off to the clubhouse bathroom, poor chap. @Swarels keeps par once again, to finish the back nine with a very impressive -4 under par - but with how rough his front nine went he's still at +6 for the day. Sosabowski finishes with a respectable +3 over par, but it really should have been better. Talk about being consistently inconsistent: three eagles and two triple bogeys, wild.

"And we have another pair teeing off here at Blaviken Beach, the furry yet lovely Cheetara is the first of the finer sex to tackle our tournament, and she's paired up with Ray_Gillette for his first of three rounds. The par 5 first hole has been rough on most contestant so far, lets see how they fare.

Cheetara tees off nicely, right down the middle and her follow up play is standard. She reaches the green on her fourth shot and then putts it in for a solid par start. Ray on the other hand, does nothing of the sort. His first shot is topped directly into the drowner pond, as we have seen several times already. Unlike Hobbs however, Ray does not try to retrieve his ball from the pond. He graciously takes the one stroke penalty and drops a new ball. But his issues are just beginning with hole one. He hits his next shot wide left and into the woods, then struggles to get out on his next. When all is said and done, he still hasn't made the green even, and swallows his pride and takes a maximum score for the hole. +5 over par 10, not the way you want to begin a round of golf.

Cheetara runs into a bit of trouble on hole 2, perhaps distracted by the skunky smell nearby. Not sure if a skunk or Bianca, but something smells skunky. Anyway, she struggles to find the fairway, and then the green, but manages to sink her putt for a double bogey - could have been much worse. Ray seems unaffected by the stench, and has no trouble reaching the green in regulation and sinking a putt for par. On to the third hole the pair goes, where Cheetara sinks her first birdie of the day, and Ray two-putts his way to a bogey. Not a strong start for mister Gillette.

Cheetara plays smartly again and sinks another birdie on the 4th, with Ray following her up with a par. Better than bogeying at least! Both golfers play the par 4 fifth hole well enough to save par, and Cheetara does one better on the hell hole #6, sinking a birdie while Ray only saves par. The mirroring then resumes, with both players shooting par on eight and nine, displaying some smart skills. Cheetara finishes the front nine with a solid 35, -2 under par. Ray recovered nicely from his rough quintuple-bogey on the first hole to finish the front nine at +5 over par, 40 for the round.

Both golfers hit the green off drive on the par 3 tenth hole, and both sink their birdie putts with ease. Incredibly, six out of seven competitors have birdied the tenth hole: only Sosabowski failed to do so thus far. Cheetara runs into some difficulty on eleven, misjudging the degree of the dogleg and hitting the trees. She ends up finishing with a bogey for the hole. Ray stays consistent with another par. On twelve ray gets the better of Cheetara at last, sinking a nice birdie putt while the lady manages a bogey - marking the first hole Ray scored better than her since her double bogey on hole two.

Ray leads off on thirteen with a solid drive and manages to avoid the wraiths midway down the fairway with a strong second shot. He chips onto the green and sinks his putt for par. Similarly, Cheetara lays up nicely and sinks a par putt of her own. The pair head up to the par 6 fourteenth hole, which has been rather problematic so far in the competition. Ray strokes a much better drive than Cheetara on this one, and due to that fact he ends up with a nice birdie compared to her not quire as nice par for the hole. Fifteen is a par four of little consequence and Cheetara sinks a beautiful birdie putt here, while Ray settles for another par.

Both golfers resist the urge of distraction via hot dog on sixteen, sinking a birdie a piece to continue their strong play - but that's about to change for one of our competitors. Cheetara shanks her tee shot into the woods, and she has great difficulty concentrating whilst the two big fat bikers near by continue their seemingly endless attempts to re-populate the earth. She struggles to escape, and ends up with a triple bogey on the hole. Ray however, avoids the trees expertly, and blocks out the sloshing noises in the woods to end up on the green in two shots - very impressive. He's looking at a twenty-five footer for eagle here...and he sinks it, like he's done it every day his entire life. What. a. Putt.

Onto the 18th and final hole, the shortest par 4 on the course. Ray's drive is a solid 260, but Cheetara absolutely blasts hers onto the green, at least 300 yards and easily her best drive of the day. Perhaps the adrenaline from those bikers on seventeen rubbed off on her? Ray plays up to the green and two-putts his way to a par, bringing his round to an end. Cheetara lines up now for her eagle putt, from about twenty yards. She gives it a strong tap, playing the slope nicely...and it rolls right into the cup - fantastic eagle to finish the round!

That brings the round to a close, with Cheetara finishing with a very impressive -2 under par 74 on the day - tied for the best score thus far!

Just as impressive is Ray_Gillette wrapping his round with a -1 under par 75: remember he quintuple bogeyed the first hole. After that rough start, he shot par nine times, birdied five times, and sunk an eagle. A really impressive turnaround."

Day one has come to a close, and here are our current standings:

Tied for first place at -2: luciano_Lucky and Cheetara

Second place at -1: Ray_Gillette

Third place at +1: Hobbs

(dis)Honorary mention for worst round so far: BeefWellington, +9 over par.

Thank you Geralt for an entertaining 1st round, I'm really looking forward to two and three. And thanks must also go to the lovely Cheetara who managed to not take the piss clean out of me after that atrocious 1st hole. But then again, golf mimics life, your first hole is never very enjoyable, until you finally find your stroke, and then you are stroking those holes out left right and centre.

Off to the side, someone, possibly Jarrick, yells out, "Are we not doing Phrasing anymore?"

Ahem, well yes, now its time for a few manhattans and a nice rub down from a tall heavyset swede I know, hopefully my next round will be an improvement.

It's day two of the Memorial Tournament, and day one turned out to be rather thrilling. It was tight at the top, and was only going to get tighter as more competitors passed through.

"Good afternoon everyone! I hope you are enjoying the show thus far: I have three additional rounds to announce for you. Since these three players are each on their second round, I'm going to trim down the commentary a bit, and just provide their scorecards and some highlights. luciano_lucky, BeefWellington, and Ray_Gillette each played their second of three paid rounds early this morning, here is how it went for them:

Not quite as impressive for Lucky today, as our co-leader struggles mightily on holes four and sixteen with triple bogies. However, he makes up some of it with eagles on eleven and fourteen, making him the third golfer with multiple eagles in a round. But with five other bogeys on the card and only three birdies, it wasn't a great round overall, and he finishes with a +4 over par 80.

The Beefmeister looks MUCH improved from his poor round of yesterday, sinking six birdies and an eagle to boot. Those are offset by a couple of bogeys, a double bogey, and a brutal max out on the hell hole #6. Overall, it's a solid 76 even par round, which moves him into 3rd place in the standings, bumping Hobbs out of the top 3.

Our second place golfer also struggled compared to his previous day's round, logging crooked numbers on all but three of the holes. Those crooked numbers are only helpful if they're negative though. He struggles on six just like Beefy, lodging a max 10 quadruple bogey, and also triple bogeys on fourteen and double bogeys both two and seven. He had some really nice holes as well, recording eagles on eight and twelve, the fourth golfer to have multiple eagles. Unfortunately though, those four golfers have also seemed to struggle mightily during those rounds and have not capitalized. Ray records six birdies to keep his score respectable, finishing the round with a +3 over par 79. Not bad, but not great either.

To this point all paid golfers have played at least one round other than HeadCoach, who I am told will be out at the links sometime soon, whenever they find an airline with seats big enough to hold him. Surely Hobbs could just let the man use his modified private jet, but I guess pettiness is in the cards when you get knocked out of third place by meat.

Sunrise I must ask you to stop running onto the course, you're going to get hit with another ball!

Your understanding of the word "memorial" is limited - the person being honored doesn't necessarily need to be dead in order to be honored. Sure, it may usually be used in that sense, but the word implies that the intention is to keep remembrance of a person or event going. Father twigs is very much alive and well, and it was my wish to honor him by naming the tournament after him, and the many other twigs that adorn the forests of the course, which, sadly, do not still survive after falling from their trees. May they rest in peace.

Im afraid not geralt for behold the international dictionary!
 

A memorial is a service or statue dedicated to someone who died

Geralt clears his throat and hold up several different dictionaries.

memorial

---

noun

something designed to preserve the memory of a person, event, etc., as a monument or a holiday.

a written statement of facts presented to a sovereign, a legislative body, etc., as the ground of, or expressed in the form of, a petition or remonstrance.

adjective

preserving the memory of a person or thing; commemorative:memorial services.

of or relating to the memory.

memorial

 noun

Definition of memorial (Entry 2 of 2)

1: something that keeps remembrance alive: such as

a: MONUMENT

b: something (such as a speech or ceremony) that commemorates

c: KEEPSAKE, MEMENTO

2a: RECORD, MEMOIRlanguage and literature … the memorials of another age— J. H. Fisher

b: MEMORANDUM, NOTEspecifically : a legal abstract

c: a statement of facts addressed to a government and often accompanied by a petition or remonstrance

 

Anything made or done in memory of some person or event, as a monument, trust fund, holiday, charitable donation, etc.

noun

"Again, my friend, your understanding of the word is limited. Because you personally think of the word as indicating a dead person, you believe that to be the one definition of the word. And yet, golf tournaments and similar events have been called "memorial" events even when not referring to someone who is deceased.

Please discontinue your attempts to poke holes in my event. I realize it must be difficult to see someone having success at operating public events when you yourself have failed repeatedly for generations - but I think that's something you should take up with your psychiatrist, not me."

Im sorry geralt but none of what u submitted says living person but you have proven my point

In memory

refers to the memory of a dead person

I'm sorry Sunrise, but you are incorrect. You have proven my point. Your understanding of the English language - and, frankly - your brain function, is limited.

Aren't you supposed to be too busy elsewhere to be here? Didn't you have to step down from your role as a leader because of that? Or was it that you were simply never qualified to lead in the first place? Why is it that after stepping down you suddenly have the time to run around trolling in these streets and being generally annoying in the coffeeshops? Perhaps you were forced to step down because of your idiotic comments about murdering people's husbands resulted in you being sent to prison and bringing shame to your city? Your understanding of language is similar to your understanding of appropriate humor. 

This conversation is over, if you would like to play golf you may, but I will not be addressing you further after this. Good day.

A slow Sunday saw no golfers on the links - undoubtedly they were all busy at church, being the wonderful, dedicated Catholics all Mafiosi are.

Early on Monday, Geralt returned to the corner to make a quick announcement and tune in to the radio broadcast.

"Good morning all, happy Monday. When you have a moment, please take a look at this announcement." He passes out a few new flyers. "Furthermore, I recently came into a large amount of Cheese Credits through the church's giveaway program: I will be adding 35 of these to the pot to bring the total pot for the tournament to 100 credits.

Now, We have a few golfers penciled in for today: firstly I will announce the third and final rounds for those stalwarts of swing: luciano_lucky, BeefWellington, and Ray_Gillette.

Another strong round for the luckster, falling just short of his first round score of -2 under par. He seems a lock to place in the top three!

Jesus, what a showing here from Beefy. On his third time through the course he looked like Sam Fuckin' Snead out there today. An incredible Seven under par for the day! Nine birdies and just two bogeys while staying par on all other holes: that's how you do it! This is going to be a tough score to beat!

And in a complete reversal of the showing we saw from Beefy, Ray stinks up the course to take the worst round crown - notably sextuple-bogeying on hole 16. Toss in four other bogeys and two doubles - with only three birdies - and you get a disastrous eleven over par on the round. 

Teeing up later on this afternoon we will have HeadCoach first in line, to be followed by Salvatore-Lucchese and Alina once they have paid their entry fees. Stay tuned!

"Next up on the course we have another pairing: The much anticipated debuted of HeadCoach, paired alongside the hippity hoppity LittleBunnyFooFoo. The tortoise and the hare. Who will win the er...race?

We begin the day on the first hole, naturally, with Coach teeing off first. Age before beauty as they say, or something like that. He struggles to place his ball on the tee: bending over is rather difficult for someone who is wider than they are tall. After several failed attempts however, HeadCouch manages to complete the task. Now out of breath, he struggles to get much oomph on his drive, and it fails to clear the drowner pond. He's off to a rough start, taking a drop on the first hole is never a good sign. FooFoo does much better with her drive, it's a solid 200 yards and mostly straight. Moving ahead, both golfers are on the green - HeadCouch trying to limit the damage to just a bogey whilst FooFoo is putting for birdie. Both golfers sink their putts, and we're off to the second hole.

We fast forward a bit in the action to hole six - nothing of major note happens until then. Both golfers fall victim to the devilish hole six sandtraps. When all is said and done, the coach logs a 9 for the hole, triple bogey. FooFoo manages to hold it to just a bogey with a beautiful chip out of the last sand trap. Both golfers proceed to sink birdies on holes seven and eight, recovering nicely after their struggles on six. FooFoo makes it three birdies in a row on nine, but HeadCouch implodes on the hole. He sprays shots everywhere but the green, ending up with a max score of 10 for the hole, + 6 over par, bringing his front nine score to a grisly +9 over par. FooFoo on the other hand utilizes her strong play and six birdies for a blazing -5 under par on the front, setting her up nicely to be playing to take the lead on the back nine.

The back nine begins with nothing of note: both of our focus pair slot pars on the easy tenth hole. Things get exciting on the par 5 eleventh hole, however, when the coach smashes two 200+ yard shots to get on the green for an eagle putt. Could this be the start of a massive turnaround for the couch? He lines it up and gives it a firm tap - and it falls, for eagle! Wonderful play from the Coach there! LittleBunnyFooFoo doesn't do very well on the other hand, notching a bogey on the hole.

Both golfers struggle on twelve, with a bogey a piece, but recover to record pars on thirteen. Fourteen is a return to form for FooFoo, as she sinks another birdie, whilist Coach stays steady with another par putt. FooFoo birdies again on fifteen, she is really putting it to the coach this afternoon! And it seems to be affecting his morale: he struggles to stay center and records a double bogey on the whole, wiping out that glorious eagle shot from four holes previous. It only gets worse for him on sixteen, as his raging hunger is apparent. He hits the hot dog stand with his third shot (probably intentionally, to get closer to the hot dogs), and stops to order - and engulf - six hot dogs before finishing the hole. Its another double bogey. FooFoo saves par on sixteen - which she also does on seventeen and eighteen to finish up her day. HeadCoach looks refreshed after his dozen hot dog binge, and birdies seventeen like a professional. But his issues return on eighteen, as he records his fifth bogey of the afternoon.

The round comes to an end, and it's a stark difference between our two golfers today: HeadCoach takes over the "worst round crown" with an abysmal +12 over par 88. LittleBunnyFooFoo takes over sole possession of second place, with a 71 for the afternoon, good for -5 under par.

We have just received note of transfer for Sosabowski's second round: in order to keep Alina and Sal partnered while we await their payment, we will bump Sosabowski up to next in line. Stay tuned for the general's second attempt at Blaviken Beach!

"General Sosabowski takes the course for his second round of the tournament. If you recall from his first round, he dropped three eagles, but also suffered two triple bogeys. His second playthrough was much in the same in terms of highs and lows: He, incredibly, once again eagles three holes, but also suffers double and triple bogey on the day, with some birdies and bogeys sprinkled in between. If the general could only put it all together in a single round he would surely be our leader. Alas, he finishes round two with a respectable 75, -1 under par. Not a bad showing at all, and a four stroke improvement from round one. Perhaps he'll go for a third and try to pull a BeefWellington?

Iron Mike was on his side quest to prove Mug City members could DOMINATE at any sport. Even the ones where physical prowess (Of which Iron Mike had plenty) was not required. He spied HeadCoach having a disaster of a round but smiles as he enters the clubhouse to see his man BeefWellington atop the leader board. He paid the caddy for 3 rounds. 

"Lithen up friendth, as soon as I blast through these 3 rounds with the thkill, thyle & panache of Gene Sarazen, I am off to find Philadelphia Crew leader & recent Mug City besmircher general Thothabowthki to beat him at his new nerd invention which he is trying to pathth off as a thport. It will be a great day!" 

"First up on the links on this beautiful Tuesday afternoon we have an MR power couple: Salvatore-Lucchese and Alina from the windy city.  Will they be able to maintain focus, or will they end up replacing the bikers on hole seventeen? Only time will tell. They tee off on one and it's looking as though Alina has the upper hand here, as Sal is too busy watching her walk away to properly focus on his shot and tops it right into the duck pond like so many other entrants have before him. He ends up double bogeying the hole, while Alina gets out in front with a birdie. The second hole goes much better for Sal, as his drive covers most of the distance to the green, and his chip from the fairway plays the slope so well that the ball ends up looping round and into the cup. An eagle to quickly cancel out that double bogey was just what he needed. Alina sinks a par putt here, keeping herself in the round.

Hole three is up next, and both golfers stay middle of the course, although Sal's second shot is incredible: it goes in for eagle, AGAIN. Who needs putting when you can just chip it in on back to back holes? Alina needs to putt, that's who, and she sinks her fifteen-footer for birdie. After three holes, the lovers both sit at -2 under par. The fourth hole is a good one for the pair as well, as they both drop putts in for birdie.

Things start to get rough for Sal on hole five, where both players are on the green in regulation, only for Sal to miss his par putt and settle for a bogey. Alina gets hers to fall and takes the lead on the day. Sal really struggles on hole 666, finding a sandtrap and a lava hazard on his way to a triple bogey, a soul crushing score. Alina manages to save par here with a pretty nice thirty foot putt from the fringe. The tables turn on the par three seventh hole however, as Sal easily keeps par, while Alina struggles to deal with the wind and ends up with a triple bogey of her own.

They both return to form on hole 8, as Sal miraculously chips in from the fairway for his THIRD eagle on the day, while Alina drops another birdie to keep the pace. Both golfers par the ninth hole, and make the turn with the scores sitting tied up with both Alina and Sal shooting 36 (-1) for the front nine.

The couple makes the turn after a short recess and set off on hole ten. They both hit the green nicely on the par three, but Sal's putting continues to be an issue, as he misses his birdie putt and has to settle for par. Alina sinks hers on the other hand, grabbing her first birdie of the back nine and her fifth overall. She follows that up with another birdie on the par 5 eleventh hole, she's off to a torrid start on the backside. Sal on the other hand is once more distracted by her backside, and triple bogeys his second hole of the day. The couple both settle for par on twelve, as Alina does on thirteen as well. Sal is momentarily held up by a lady in white and ends up with a bogey for the hole.

Both golfers struggle with the sheer distance on the par 6 fourteenth hole. Alina takes 8 shots to get it in, for a double bogey, which isn't nearly as bad as Sal's effort. He ends up not making the hole at all, and has to settle for a 10, which is a quadruple bogey here. Alina recovers on fifteen with another birdie, and Sal manages to keep par for the hole, which is certainly better than a quad bogey. Sixteen sees a reversal of sorts, as Sal gets ahead and chips in his FOURTH eagle of the day. Dude oughta consider just dropping his putter and trying to chip from the fairway each hole. Alina, this time distracted by Sal's backside, ends up with a brutal triple bogey for the hole.

Sal returns to his poor form on longer holes on seventeen, struggling to keep his shots straight while trying to power them up the course and notching his third triple bogey on the day. Alina keeps par for the hole. She does one better on eighteen, sinking another birdie to keep her total for the round respectable. Sal saves par with another nice chip, but it was a very rough back nine for the man, as he shoots a 52 (+9) on the back, bringing his total for the day to an +8 over par 84. He had FOUR eagles, but also FOUR triple bogeys (or worse). Alina finishes the round even, with 76 strokes to meet par.

Next up at Blaviken Beach we will have MikeTyson for the first of his 3 rounds, and he'll be shooting alongside Fat_Horse.

"Next up on the links we have perhaps the only man beefier than BeefWellington: MikeTyson. He will be paired with Fat_Horse - I can confirm that is not a nickname - he is an actual horse, that is fat. I have no idea how he intends to swing his clubs. This should be good.

Our competitors begin on the first hole with a staredown: man vs. horse, fit vs. fat. It's a classic matchup of great import throughout all of history. After several minutes of neither contestant breaking their gaze, they are separated by officials and made to begin the round.

Iron Mike looks solid on the first hole, staying central and keeping pace with the par 5, he sinks his putt for par. Fat_Horse trots up to the tee box, gripping the club with his large, powerful teeth. He swings and, incredibly, smacks it perfectly down the middle. Apparently this is not his...first...rodeo. The big equine finishes the first hole with a par of his own. Both golfers look in fine form, as they stroke straight shots all the way through hole two, both burying birdie putts. 

Things take a downturn for Iron Mike on hole three, as he finds the trees and promptly begins yelling at spectators, spraying them with spittle. He is able to dig out his ball eventually, but the damage has been done: Mike struggles to a triple bogey. Fat_Horse continues to show you don't need opposable thumbs to golf well, sinking his par putt to take the lead on the day. Iron mike regains his form on four, getting to the cup in three shots for a birdie, while Fat_Horse stays steady with another par.

They pair reverse their results on hole five, with Tyson taking a par and Horse getting a birdie before we move on to the hell hole. Iron mike drives right down the middle nicely, but something happens that spooks Fat_Horse right before he swings, throwing him off and causing him to shank his drive off to the left and into the water. He turns around and addresses a spectator: 'CHEWING THOSE CHIPS A LITTLE LOUD BACK THERE!' before rushing the fan, taking the bag of chips, and mercilessly eating the rest of the bag. But he's off kilter for the rest of the hole, and ends up with a triple Bogey. Iron Mike becomes just the fourth golfer in the tournament so far to birdie the sixth hole.

On the par 3 seventh hole, Iron mike misjudges the wind and hits his first shot out of bounds, having to take a drop and causing a bogey on the hole. Big Fat Horse manages a par with a nice tee shot and two-putt cold-cut combo. The eighth hole goes a little better for Iron Mike, as he manages a par, but is outdone once more by Horsey with a birdie. 

Our pair moves on to hole nine to finish up the front, neck and neck. One neck significantly longer than the other, but I digress. Iron mike takes on the par 4 well enough, reaching the green in two shots and burying his birdie putt with aplomb. The horse takes one extra putt and settles for par. The front nine wraps up with our golfers both sitting at even par, 37 for the round.

After a short intermission for snacks in the clubhouse, the pair set back out to begin the back nine. The next two holes go Horse's way, with birdies on ten and eleven, while Iron Mike merely makes par on both holes. Iron Mike begins to struggle on twelve, getting lost in the trees and ending up with a brutal triple bogey, while Horsey sinks another par. Both golfers do well on haunted hole thirteen, saving pars and moving on with haste in order to avoid any angry spirits.

Fourteen is where Iron Mike finally makes his move. He makes the 700 yard par 6 his bitch, reaching the green in three shots and sinking a wonderful putt for eagle. Fat_Horse, on the other hand, struggles to cover the distance, and seems out of breath by the end of the hole. He registers a double bogey, allowing Mike to cover a 4 stroke spread just like that. Both golfers sink birdies on fifteen, setting us up for a photo finish over the last three holes.

However, it isn't meant to be for Iron Mike, as he struggles mightily with the smell of hotdogs wafting on the wind. He is clearly distracted, spittle running down his mouth as his lips repeatedly form the words 'hot dogthhh' over and over. He ends up with a double bogey. Surprisingly, Fat_Horse is unperturbed by the hot dog smell - it appears the true mark of being a successful fat four legged beast is controlling oneself. He birdies the hole, and then eats a half dozen wieners to boot.

He may have ate too many hot dogs it seems, as he hits a poor tee shot on seventeen and his second shot isn't much to write home about either. Iron Mike stays one stroke ahead the entire hole, sinking a par while Horsey bogeys to leave the door cracked open just a bit. Both competitors hit wonderful drives on eighteen, ending up just short of the green. They both display nice short game with a chip onto the green and solid birdie putts thereafter. 

The back nine comes to an end, and the golfers scored as follows for the round:

MikeTyson: 77 (+1)
Fat_Horse: 74 (-2)