SYSTEMATIC IMMOLATION OF NEWS

We have an exciting newspaper coming for you! 

I have received a number of ideas for articles.  These include:

Isabella's Incog

"The break up of Spike and Goku" (direct quote)

The brutal slaughtering of Basketball Detroit by Illuminatiated (aka current day Zoom) 

An account of the rivalry between HeadCoach and D0m3n1c 

The death of outkast

When the real Kuku left and you (I) took over the mantle

"Fleecing TheBeast" (direct quote)

 "lucky killing a former LA RH haroldBogtrotter who followed orders and flew back during war"

What happened to Grin

WHICH DO YOU WANT TO SEE PUBLISHED?

I would like to hear something a bit more upbeat, what is it with all of this murder talk? Slaughtering? Death? Breakups? Rivalries? This sounds like a bad high school drama with some killing mixed in and you know, I just, I just don't think that I like the sound of that. That's why I propose that you tell some happy stories, some feel-good inspirational shit, like take JubTheNub for instance, he once walked around peddling some toaster manual that no one reads, and now get a good look at him, eating broccoli and talking about how great it is in the worm crew. 

In fact, in a few days, I think I will have quite the surprise for you all, as Jub has nearly agreed to eat vegetables in front of the entire mafia, he already looks like a plump little eggplant and now he will be devouring eggplants for all to see. 

Anyways, if that's not your speed. What about the wonderful dicing competition that your own leader is hosting right now? There's no violence in there, just a good old-fashioned grab the dice by the dice balls and throw them down, which I hear will be entering its next phase soon. Everyone should go get in a few rolls and attempt to enter! Only a few hours left until it's closed. I hear even the most basic of entrants will make $250,000 and that sounds like a steal to me.

How about you talk about something like that? There are tons of lovely stories with no violence. Stop perpetrating the myth that we mafia folks are always inherently shooting off our guns, some of us like the sophistication. Look at me, I'm wearing fucking worm versace-- I had it flown in from Italy, and I'm looking good. 

Anyways, that's just my opinion, you know? Take it however you'd like. 

Well, worm, last time someone told a joke , a CL killed his RHM, and then 99% of the population died.

Do you want that?

Who said anything about jokes? Are dicing competitions and healthy lifestyles a joke to you? Are you the one who is teaching Jub to defy the food groups and opt instead to create his own entirely burger-based health trend? I'm worried for him and his heart, and while it isn't as sexy or exciting as creating trouble, I really do think helping this man start a better life would be good for the entire mafia as a whole, lets turn his eggplant shape into that of a celery, one broccoli at a time.

What does everyone say to that?

BROCC-O-LI!

BROCC-O-LI!

BROCC-O-LI!

The worm was starting yet another chant in the streets and nothing could stop him. His unwavering in the face of adversity was almost as powerful as what Jub would look like while shoving that entire stalk of broccoli into his mouth in front of an adoring crowd; something that was definitely going to happen and that JubTheNub had almost already agreed to do whilst in the middle of one of his break dancing sessions.

At the end of the day, let's not get the people what they want, but rather what they need. Enough of this simple smut to drive a few angry mobs into your newspaper stands for a quick dollar and a little bit of notoriety, let's instead begin creating respect throughout the mob. What do you say to that?

The worm hands MrKuku a pair of dice and smiles, also go have a roll. It's a free $250,000. Wouldn't that be a boon for your start-up business and potential newspaper empire? Have fun.

Jub listened to worm's broccoli chant. Jub was not amused. Jub frown. Jub complain.

"worm I've had you hyping up me eating broccoli all day now. For the last time I'm not letting you poison me with the devil's lettuce UNLESS it's deep fried while covered in beer batter and you replace the broccoli with a schnitzel."

"I also don't know where this RI-DI-CU-LOUS rumor of me taking breakdance lessons came from (I've already heard several prominent people echo this in coffee-shops today) but we both know that I cannot breakdance without it turning into a literal 'break dance' as my spine would break in half from the stress that my aristocratic GIRTH would put on it."

"But the worst, by far, is how you rated the holy book of Systematic Immolation of Thought a 'toaster manual'. This does not make me angry, it just makes me depressed. I would suggest reading it at least 3 times to really have its message and the rhythm of its poetry sink into your SOUL. Then re-assess it again. Perhaps write a detailed analysis on it. Just suggestions."

Having vented his sad frustrations, Jub turns to MrKuku, nearly falling over in the process.

"I thirst for a new paper with the mysterious disappearance of both 'The Herald' and 'The Harold' and one other more short-lived paper whose name I can't recall. What else will I read on my long visits to the 12th Street Public Toilets? How else will Jub keep up the appearance that he's a smart and literate man of culture? I have many questions."

If there's no broccoli and no break dancing, then what is it that you even do? I'm smelling a democratic demotion vote in the air, and you have no one but yourself to blame. I'm going to need three paragraphs written to me and sent in the mail on why you deserve to continue being a Consigliere for the Worm family when your moves are being, quite frankly, weak. 

He takes out a piece of paper, unwrapping it in front of everyone to reveal a single stalk of lettuce.

Or, you could eat this. Nord gave it to me and said you might enjoy it. What do you say? I think everyone would love to see this story unfold, the one where Jub goes from a chunk to a hunk. 

"worm If it comes to another democratic demotion poll, a practice which has been so groundbreakingly innovative and effective that it is now slowly spreading across the 6 cities, then so be it. I will accept the outcome of the poll whichever way it swings, for it is the voice of the people of THE SOIL."

Seeing the green lettuce leaf in front of him Jub's face sours as if he had just eaten an entire lemon (which, of course, is something he would never actually do since it's a fruit and not a succulent artery-clogging piece of fastfood).

"I'm not eating the vegetable worm, lettuce isn't good GRUB. I've deposited my essay in your inbox. I hope that with my impressive academic thesis with about 200 sourced references on 'why JUB shouldn't have to eat the broccoli' we can prevent the poll."

Alright, after reviewing the mail that I received from my very own grub and understanding that we've strayed so far from what this conversation was about in the first place, I will say that I am rescinding my democratic demotion of JubTheNub and for today, at least, I will not require him to eat any green vegetables lives in front of an audience of thousands of his own mob peers. This is with a heavy heart that I say I will be leaving this conversation for the time being to collect my own thoughts and ideas for my own more positive spin on the news-- I am sick of all this rabble-rousing that people like Mr. Kuku here believe is the only content we can have.

He worms his way over to where Jub was standing and slithered around his legs, doing what worms do, before whispering up to the young gentleman who calls his home in the soil: "One day you are going to eat a piece of fucking broccoli. If not today, some other time. I promise you this, Jublets."

There wasn't anything more to be said and with that, he left. But not before creating the most dramatic exit possible, knocking over one of the newspaper printers that Kuku had worked hard to obtain. This was hopefully a lesson well learned to try making things a bit more light-hearted around this place: No more negativity in the news printing business, it would soon all be about love.

The Worm Welcome

That would be the name of his publishing venture. Now he just needed some feel-good stories to write about, if anyone had anything they should send him a call-- the worm was always looking for a bright young reporter to add into his fold, one that would tell stories of love and hope instead of tragic ones of war and betrayal. 

Maybe there wasn't anyone out there that could do that, or maybe, just maybe, there was.

Kenny witnessed everything that was going on while hiding nearby. Yes, this is a new hobby he's picked up lately. He can never be too careful in this war he started against Savannah. His eyes shooting everywhere looking for the woman but this time she was nowhere to be seen. He let out a breath of relief and left his hiding spot and approached worm who had knocked one of Mr. Kuku newspaper printers. Kenny gasped.

"That's no way for a Don to act." Kenny cracked his knuckles. "You picked it up or there will be consequences."

The worm ignored him and slithered away, so Kenny angrily picked up the newspaper printer and threw at worm. He missed and hit JubTheNub instead. Then some dude came and approached Kenny.

"That's no way for a Don to act!" Kenny then grabbed the random man by the throat and CHOKESLAMMED THE DUDE ON THE GROUND.

With that, some other random dude that on the story is the first random dude's son, came running and delivered a drop kick to Kenny's face, with SWIFT movement and grace Kenny dodges and pulled out his revolver, shooting the random dude number two twice. He missed.

Things were escalating quickly so Kenny decided to leave. He holstered his revolver and started to sneak away, but not before random dude number three approached Kenny with a steel chair and went for his head! But Kenny again, swiftly dodges and reached for the bushes where he pulled a hammer from it. With strength Kenny attacked random dude number three with the hammer and BAM! Kenny missed.

He looked at random dude number one and random dude number two and they were getting up from the ground and started running towards a car. The dude with the chair also started running towards a car. Kenny thought: job well done, they're intimidated. But suddenly, out of the car, random dude number FOUR appears with a Tommy Gun and starts shooting Kenny! With swift movement yet again, Kenny jumps and rolls towards the nearest cover and reloads his revolver. Damn it. There wasn't enough bullets for four random dudes, so Kenny had to improvise. Firstly he stealthily made his way to another cover where he could see the random dudes, all armed. Firstly, Kenny aimed at random dude number two, who was with a shotgun. He breathed in and breathed out and then BAM! Kenny missed!

He's been down on his luck on this entire encounter so he decided to run. With bullets flying everywhere, Kenny deftly jumping from cover to cover to flee the onslaught of the random dudes was the right idea. After a few minutes he was safe. A random lady of the night approached him and said "Honey, I'll do anything for 1000 dollars."

Kenny laughed and replied. "Me too" Then left the scene.

It turns out random lady of the night was actually random dude number two sister and random dude number one's daughter! She pulled up a gun and shot Kenny in the leg! Then the police came in real quick and arrested her and then paramedics came in too and saved Kenny's life.

The newspaper industry is fickle, and I've hit some funding issues.

Someone is writing a History of Grin, but we are struggling to find contributers with insider knowledge of the two reigns the Grin lineage is most famous for: When him and Kirsty ruled with an Iron Fist, and also when Grin and Kuku were in charge.

If anyone can shed light on  the inner machinations of the Kuku/Grin alliances, there is a lot of money to be made 

I had high hopes for this newspaper but it seems to be failing

Premeir - could you help?

I doubt I would be of any use to help somebody of your caliber

This will be the best newspaper ever written, it's just taking a bit more time than anticipated 

Perhaps MrKuku you would like to update everyone with your progress on the newspaper so far? 

Like, with actual news. Things that have and are actually happening. Truthful things, that people may be interested in. 

You appear to be writing your own autobiography so far, not a newspaper. 

I concur with tiny Tim what progress has been made? If it’s to be the best newspaper ever written what will it be news of? Typically news is new not a decade ago when you were someone’s right hand man. I could see one or two articles that are about the past. You want everyone to do your leg work, I think it’s time you admit you can’t do it.

Premeir, TinyTim - what do either of you know about publishing newspapers?

I've paid our $76m to rival publishers to prevent them publishing newspapers, and that's so time consuming.

Right now I'm trying to get leads on Grin/Kuku history and it seems they're terrifying everyone into silence

I would love for someone to weigh in with any actual "News" the whole land seems very quiet at the moment. Hopefully its the calm before the storm & not terminal boredom.