SYSTEMATIC IMMOLATION OF NEWS (SION) Issue 1

First things first:  We are not affiliated with The Harold, The Herald, or any other newspaper.  Those newspapers will not be printing alongside SION.

This first issue will be a longstanding article.  Bear with us.

LOSTBOY, THEBEAST, $7.5m: THE SPECTRE OF THE DEADLIEST WRITING COMPETITION

Some time ago, a member of the Chris_Vaughn lineage started a writing competition.  This competition became infamous for two things: wartime fatality rates, and the strange practise of awarding the competition prize to someone who had not entered the contest.

Much has been written about the astonishing death rate of this fiasco contest, and about LostBoy.  But not much is really known about LostBoy.

LostBoy was shot and killed, reputedly by a leading member of the mafia, Mr_Keating.  Keating was reputed to have Fareham and/or Kuku lineage.  We may never know for sure.  At the time, LostBoy was a hugely sucessfull drug smuggler, and a de facto, if not de jure, Consig.  His death shocked and baffled many.  His son received about $45m in cash and kind from a confused Vaughn, then leader of the ill-fated death-march of a competition.

Several dozen people have been shot and killed by disgruntled competition entrants in mistake for LostBoy's son, including several generations of the Heston lineage.

When SION saw someone with the name LostBoy, we immediately sent him $7.5m, thinking he was descended from the much assassinated LostBoy lineage.

But he wasn't.  

SION attempted to recover the misallocated funds, but were rebuffed.  LostBoy has since joined TheBeast's crew.  

Does TheBest currently possess SION's $7.5m?  We may never know.  We ask TheBeast to confirm or deny rumours as to this recent financial acquisition.  

GRIN AND KUKU - WHAT GIVES?

Powerful mob boss, Premeir, recently surprised many by insulting the SION and implying that we are a collective of optometrists.  We are not.  But we wary of Prem, who has a powerful gun and many powerful friends.  Not as many as he historically might have had, but more than SION.  So what we are about to write is written with the hand of friendship.  It may also go some way to unlocking the mystery of the Grin/Kuku alliance.

An early member of the Kuku lineage used manipulation and dark psy-ops to firstly have Prem's city wiped out, and then, later, have Prem wipe a rival city out.  Tragically, the city wiped out was an ancestor of Elodin, who was a decent man, but refused to pay a Kuku $1m in extortion money.  So his city was wiped out.  Prem learned from his mistakes and became less easily manipulated.

But we are entitled to ask:  Did Grin notice that the Kuku lineage were better friends than enemies?  Grin did once try to kill a Kuku, but missed.  Kuku struck back, killing at least one goomba unconnected to his wouldbe assailant.  Again, it must be asked, did Grin take notice of the type of power Kuku could unleash?

When the Grin/Kuku alliance first became well-known, Grin was better known for an alliance with someone who, to this day, frightens your humble narrator, and so we will not name him by name.  We will instead call him Kevin.  Kevin was one of the most dangerous members of one of the most dangerous lineages this thing has ever seen.  Kevin despised Kuku, but unlike most who despised Kuku, Kevin was not remotely scared of Kuku.  In a desperate, some might say pathetic attempt to curry favour with Kevin, a Kuku CL chose a swift an honourable death following an anti-Kevin infiltration of his crew.

The Kuku in question, The_Big_K, was IWP and lived in a highly fortified HQ.  He gave up all of his power and prestige to maintain familiar loyalty to Kevin.  And The_Big_K's sacrifice was not in vain: K's son received the handsome sum of $1m when he returned to the Kevin fold.  Not to be scoffed at.

Relations between Kevin and Kuku soured when, during a war, Kuku asked for a loan of $30m to employ BGs.  Kevin's response was curt.  Kuku was upset, but nevertheless, kept his head down until he was shot and killed due to a lack of BGs.  

And again we might ask: did Grin notice this sterling conduct on behalf of Kuku?

So, when the time came, we had a Grin lineage which was rightly or wrongly associated with wholesale murder and with a form of humour which, whilst often hilarious, was at times mocking of the less powerful in our society.  And we had Kuku, now a veteran of dozens of wars, and well on his way to having at least four people in organised crime who didn't hate him with lethal vim and vigour.

And so, an alliance was born.  It has been speculated that Grin kept Kuku front and centre, a locus for the hatred and anger that can often befell a ruling class.  For this part, Kuku did his best to keep the heat off of Grin, by starting arguments with people, dividing crews, goading leading and ranking rivals to go "rogue" and attempt to kill Kuku.  All of this kept Grin safe.  No more so than keeping the inane and moronic Tetley permanently angry.  This buffoon, this inept low-ranking bureacrat, was kept firmly in his place by Kuku, but on the orders of Grin.  Kuku mostly annoyed and infuriated people for strictly professional reasons, but with Tetley, he enjoyed his work.  Fuck Tetley, the guy is a prick, and the Kuku lineage has enjoyed personally killing him on a number of occasions, and by proxy on several more.  The most egregious iteration of the Tetley lineage was Frank, who tried and failed to kill a Kuku, and was murdered for his efforts.  LOL.

Eventually, and this was perhaps predicatible, Kuku upset one too many people.  In this case, it was the late FatherMacklePenny, who described a war-hero Kuku as having "incel noodle arms."  Kuku went to Grin and the late HeadCoach for permission to kill FMP, but was denied.  Instead, Kuku was forced to pay what was termed "tithes" to compensate the upper structure. 

Infuriated, the Kuku lineage declared war on Illuminiated, shot and killed approximately 20 of his members, and extorted him for many millions of dollars.  This was ineffectual, as Illuminiated didn't work with or for Grin or HeadCoach.  The intelligence was faulty.

To this very day, Kuku and Grin are widely known to despise each other.  And as for Kevin?  Well, any Kuku or Fareham keeps a wary and respectful distance.

THAT'S ALL FOR THE FIRST EDITION!  SEND MONEY AND TIPS!

Please note that the Vaughn referred to is not the wildly successful Godfather alive and well today, but the Lincoln_Lawyer/Chris_Vaughn Vaughn.

Thank you.

Roya grabbed the paper and read it. After reading she sighed and felt regret for wasting her time on such gibberish. 

"What the fuck is this? Something that happened years ago, something thats not even relevant anymore and exclusively about his lineage?" She said to herself "It seems that i'm gonna have to write a newspaper myself, before this guy bore someone to death."

Roya, didn't you specifically request an article about LostBoy?

Simpleton momentarily lowers his newspaper from his eyes upon hearing Roya's declaration of an intent to start a rival newspaper....

"That's where it starts. At first it's just a couple of competing newspapers, done for the love of the journalistic trade, and the next thing you know millions are slaughtered, the streets run red with blood, and I lose my DFP. Ask yourself, is it worth it?"

"MrKuku, i didn't ask for an article about LostBoy, i said that it were better to see you talking nonstop about LostBoy, Lincoln_Lawyer and "murderous" writing competitions on the streets, than to see you asking for people to do your job for you, as you've been asking these last few days.

And as i imagined, that's the only subjects you can write/talk about, you just proven my point. You are limited." 

Then she addresses simpleton:

"Sir, if this so called news had brought me joy or at least some entertainment i would gladly compliment MrKuku and even tip, despite my feelings towards him. But it only managed to almost bore me to death, so yes, i think i will write my own newspaper and fill it with something that brings happiness and smiles on people's faces. Also, not everything has to be a competition nor have bloodshed."

Roya - I challenge you to write a newspaper that is better read than mine?

It is nice to have a newspaper around again, especially one that proves even the ugliest and least popular of us can produce something useful to society. 

Also, not everything has to be a competition nor have bloodshed.

Strongly disagree. As soon as a competing newspaper is issued, it is by definition a competition and - as everyone here knows - competitions always lead to massacres. Where is the Competitive Writing Community today? Buried under blood, bones and generous prizes. 

"MrKuku, if i am to write a newspaper it's gonna be for the sole purpose of bringing something good to people, not to satisfy you by accepting a childish challenge. If i really do it though, as everybody, you're also free to criticize/judge it as you see fit."

Jub had planted himself on a cheap plastic folding chair he lugged around with him, intently reading the paper and making exclamations of 'Oh' and 'Ah I see' every once in a while while tapping the newspaper with the back of his hand. Though naturally Jub didn't understand much of what he read given he had the literacy of an infant, it was important people would see him perusing the paper, leaving the impression that Jub MUST BE a smart guy since he keeps up with the news.

"I've had a newspaper shaped hole in my cheeseburger shaped heart ever since the disappearance of The Herald and The Harold. Finally there is something stimulate my elephant sized brain again (besides Systematic Immolation of Thought of course)."

Hearing Roya speak of starting a rival newspaper Jub suddenly remembered something and started whispering in her ear.

"I believe I recently heard MrKuku say he paid 76 million dollars to prevent rival newspapers from writing new issues. Perhaps this could be a lucrative idea?"

"I might start a business threathening to write newspapers, but never actually write them. Think of how many burgers I could buy."

Pay attention to Duchess, Roya.  Competition unleashes dark forces.

Where is the Competitive Writing Community now?

DEAD, that's where.

This is quite a poor effort.  No new News, and nothing about Mufasa.

Who's Mufasa, Premeir?

I see my sterling work has prompted a rash of fakers.  What bounders.  Chancers.

Issue 2 will be amazing.

MrKuku We at 'The Jub' printing enterprises have made an offer to be bribed if you wish us to discontinue our 'faker' yet innovative restaurant-themed newspaper.

IS IT A QUESTION OF MONEY?

Yes.

And of Gnus.

JubTheNub - I've already paid out 76m, and LostBoy and TheBeast fleeced me out of $75m

When I was 12 years old and in English class, I was asked to submit a story written entirely by me, in order to satisfy the “creative writing” aspect of my school’s syllabus. That was better than this.

Stiffler, by his own admission, can offer no proof or this supposed triumph.

I wrote a newspaper.  A good one.

If you want another, show some appreciation.

Yawn. This happened years ago, who cares? Stop being so self-involved and move on.

What happened years ago, Malcon-Tucker?  There is no evidence to support Stiffler's claim.

Oh, for god's sake, Mr. Kuku, get off your high horse. The fact that you're only now concerned about evidence when it suits you is laughable. And let's not pretend like you're some paragon of journalistic integrity either. You've been peddling gossip and hearsay for years, so forgive me if I'm not exactly swayed by your sudden desire for evidence.

The point is, too much time has passed for any of this to matter. You are just trying to drag up old history for his own selfish reasons. So spare me the righteous indignation and focus on something that actually matters, if you're capable of it.