I'm an ImportantBusinessman and I find it very difficult to get on with my important business due to the Streets being overwhelmed with chatter about this "Competition Commission".

This preposterous pseudo-organisation are spoken about on every corner and together with MrKuku, apparently played a hand in the recent war. They are even spoken about in seemingly legitimate writing competitions started by the likes of MattCollins. It has got to stop.

I'm not sure about the rest of you, but I don't even know anything about them. Who are they? What do they do? How do they do whatever it is they do? What was their role in the recent war? Are they even real?

The list of stupid questions goes on and in order to hopefully arrest this nonsense and stop everyone banging about them once and for all, I'm starting an investment opportunity to the tune of 50 credits for the person who can provide us with the most information about this organisation and hopefully shine a light on their shady dealings. 

Don't worry, this isn't one of those daft writing competitions where people die and non-entrants get paid. There will be none of that here regardless of how controversial that might seem to some. This is an investment opportunity where the best entrant is paid for their work in educating the community. 

There is no word limit. In fact, the more you can say about these Competition Commission people, the better. I want to know everything. 

I don't want my funds tied up forever so this will last for one week from today.

50 credits to the best entry.

Let's expose these guys for what they are and end all the mutterings about them for good. 

Who's judging this, ImportantBusinessman

I take it this competition is operating without the authorization of the Competition Commission (CC), given the subject matter? I've always been uncertain about entering black market events given the violent history that brought the Competitive Writing Community (CWC) to its knees and necessitated the creation of a CC to protect institutions like the CWC. But given that cash rules everything around me (CREAM), I will be entering and hopeful of my chances of affording a self-contained underwater breathing apparatus (SCUBA) certification in the near future. 

@Clamtuba I think this ordeal can be classified as a community investigation with prizes for entrants, and is therefore not a competition as defined by the Competition Commission Constitution (CCC). Therefore it also falls outside of the jurisdiction of the competition commission's jurisdiction and gives them no authority over it.

This is an interesting legal loophole, perhaps more Community Investigations With Prizes For Entrants will follow.

Once again, as if this wasn't already known, the Competition Commission was created in response to a competition that became known as our thing's Black Death.  Lincoln_Lawyer (LL), launched a reprisal competition because he alleged wrongdoing in someone else's competition.  Now, LL's rival competition manager may have cut a few corners with the judging, it's an expensive business, but his stewardship of the Competitive Writing Community saw competitions that rarely saw casualties get into double figures.

But then LL's contest spiralled into abject mass killing.  If we include the related Fareham war, and it is indeed related, then we can confidently state that rather than a single figure DEATH RATE we experienced a close to single figure SURVIVAL RATE.

Clearly, then, something was needed to prevent the mass casualty competitions that LL created.  

So, the Competition Commission was created, with three main aims, as far as I can see:

Grant conditional authenticity

Ensure all entrants and non-entrants are awarded appropriate prizes

Reduce, with a view to eliminating, Competition related casualties.

Is the CC perfect?  No, it is not.  Have we seen a mass fatality competition?  Yes, but only one, the recent Competition Commission War, and the jury's out on just how intricately involved the CC was.

So, there you have it.  Lincoln_Lawyer made a terrible mess and the CC was created to clean it up.  I think they've done well.

Send me money and tips.  

After a short but vigorous session The Competition Commission has agreed that as a Community Investigation this DOES NOT qualify as a "Competition" under the rules and regulations of the Competition Commission. As such this will take place OUTSIDE of The Commission purview and protection. 

The Competition Commission warns all entrants to enter at their own risk. They also wanted me to emphasize that this was NOT a threat and you should feel free to participate (at your own risk). 

Again, NOT a threat. 

Personally I can't wait to learn more about the Competition Commission. I look forward to seeing what the investigations uncover! 

You know, I see a lot. I hear a lot, too, so I might be able to shed some light on what you're looking for. I was sitting around at one of my businesses, specifically the one in Los Angeles, which goes by the name of Office Supplies of LA if you were wondering, a great little spot that not only sells supplies for many different needs but also helps certain Italian American individuals in finding what they're looking for if you know what I mean. So, like I was saying, I was there at the supply depot where we buy most of our stock, you know, it's funny because we buy it straight from a supplier which means that we're able to sell for cheaper. I know a guy out of Chicago, anyways, that's not very important, but speaking of Chicago, I do hear that a new business will be popping up there any day now, so keep your eyes open for it.

So where were we? Ah, yeah. I'm in my depot where I'm getting a lot of supplies that I can sell for way cheaper than any of those other businesses in the United States: get this, I'm buying pens and selling them for under ten cents per. Crazy, no? You can't really find deals like that in most places, especially not for pens of this quality. They're those really nice fountain-style ones, the kinds that you see in every really big operation up and down the coasts, most business deals are signed with a Boss Brand Pen these days. So, I'm there and I'm getting all these great deals for everyone and I hear a few guys talking and one of them says "Matt." and a few other words, maybe a Collins, I don't know. Maybe not. I think it had to do with some guy named Matt buying a nice hearty stew for dinner later, he likes a nice chili if you could believe it, and that could be related to the guy you're talking about, but maybe not. There are a lot of guys that go by Matt out there.

Anyyyyway, what's this about a committee? How much dough do you have to pay to get on board with this? Once I open up my business in Chicago I'm afraid I'll be so flushed with cash that I won't know what to do with it all. I think we'll be selling something extremely high quality over there, something very Chi-Town. 

I'll be over in Detroit in the meantime for my other business, called Give Me Money. It's an idea-based business. I'm an idea-based man, and I'd dare you to come and buy an idea from me. The first one, get this, it'll be half off. So do I get the fifty credits now or do I have to wait for one of your associates to wire it over, how does this work?

This was a good fuckin' fair bit of gossip I just dropped in here. Let me know and I'll sign any dotted lines I need to, with one of my Boss Brand Pens of all things, I think I have one in my pocket somewhere, the boss begins fishing around in his coat for one of his pens while he waits for someone to let him know where to go next to gather his newly printed credits.

No need to investigate, I confess, it was all me.

now where is my creds?

Rhys extends his hand and waits for money.

First of all, I would like to publicly state that I have ZERO interest in financial prizes of any kind. Despite whatever is going on here being tirelessly classified as a Non-Competition (by alleged CC members), the moment prizes start being handed out, people become competitive and then we are two steps away from complete chaos. I declare that my interest here is purely in seeking the truth, as any decent citizen would, therefore impossible to be classified as a Competitor, consequently exempting myself from the jurisdiction of any Commissions, especially the aforementioned Competition Commission (which will also be referred to hereinafter as the CC).

That being said, let's move to the subject at hand. I'd like to share some intriguing points and questions I've found along the way. I must warn you: you might not like what I found.

1 - WHAT IS NANCYDOWNS LEVEL OF INVOLVEMENT WITH THE COMPETITION COMMISSION?

I'm not the type of man to believe in weather forecasts, horoscopes or coincidences, so imagine my surprise when, shortly after I publicly announced my investigation on CC, I get approached by none other than NancyDowns, trying to stop me from continuing my investigation by inviting me into their satanic cult and even trying to use an imposter (yes, fake Dwight, that's you) to lure me into it. That set off all sorts of alarms in my head, questions I still can't answer. Why is NancyDowns protecting the CC? Is she a member? Or maybe her cult is being currently funded by the CC? Is NancyDowns actually trying to protect ME from the CC? I really don't know.

2 - RHYS' CLAIMS ARE FALSE.

Although The Dog Pound's Right Hand Man went public to confess, I decided to investigate a little more. I wasn't happy with the idea that all of CC would come down to Rhys and, after an exhaustive investigation, I finally discovered the truth.

To: Dwight_K_Schrute
From: Rhys
Sent: Jun 02, '23 22:19
Subject:

Hello Dwight. I know nothing. I just hope they believe I'm confessing and give me all their money.

 

It's a master plan, don't tell anyone though

To: Rhys
From: Dwight_K_Schrute
Sent: Jun 02, '23 22:17
Subject:

Mr. Rhys, good evening.

What do you know about something named "Competition Commission"?

Shocking? Not really, no. One more person trying to deceive, draw attention away from the main target of this investigation. Or would Rhys be so smart that he would actually confess something, making it seem so pathetic and unbelievable that it would throw people off his trail? I don't think so, but I'll keep an eye on him anyway.

3 - THE COMPETITION COMISSION WAR IS NOT THE FIRST WAR CAUSED BY THE CC.

I have very solid information that this is not the first war caused by the Competition Commission. My source wisely prefers to remain anonymous, but here is some evidence:

To: Dwight_K_Schrute
From: M******
Sent: Jun 02, '23 23:44
Subject:

Not only in the most recent war... they've been intimately involved in at least three other big wars, that I can remember.

But you didn't know that from me, ok?

To: M*****
From: Dwight_K_Schrute
Sent: Jun 02, '23 23:31
Subject:

Good evening, Mr. M****.

Can you confirm the Competition Commission's involvement in the recent Competition Commission War?

4 - NOW THAT QUIET IS GONE, IS THEBEAST GOING TO DECLARE WAR (AGAIN) AGAINST ALL THE KUKUS AND, THEREFORE, TO THE COMPETITION COMISSION?

It is common knowledge that however clouded CC's history, means and goals are, it is undeniable that it is completely intertwined with one name: Kuku's. In my searches, I found reports that point in the direction of Kuku being the founder of CC, but nothing really concrete. Now, there are rumors circulating that TheBeast is about to declare war on the Kukus again, since quiet is no longer here to hold him back. How is the CC going to react to this? Does this mean more and more bloodshed? Probably, yes. Would Chicago be able to thrive in a war against the CC? I am not sure.

Well, Mr. ImportantBusinessman, I am afraid that my investigation has raised more questions than it has answered. Mystery not solved. Unfortunately, after starting this investigation, I became the target of multiple pickpockets (coincidence? I think not) which ended up draining my funds by the hour, which prevents me from continuing. 

As I said, I will not accept any kind of prize or reward, but if you want to fund Dwight Schrute Private Investigator, you can do so for 52 credits.

TheBeast walks up out of the shadows again and begins to speak:

I already spoke in the streets about my position, I don't know if I've been clear enough though, so I'll reiterate. I have no intention of killing any relative of Kuku. He and his family has been exposed as liars and instigators. Basically they should be ignored in the future, wheter they live or die isn't any concern of mine. I think I've also proved, (and Wellerman, the face of the CC has confirmed) that the CC had no part in any takedowns. They are an independent commission to regulate competitions and that is all. Rumors that have been circulated about anything more are just that, rumors, perpetuated by friends of the kuku bloodline, in order to prop up his myth of power and control over what happens in this thing of ours. These people are grifters and charlatans and have no real power. I hope I've made myself clear this time, I have no desire to keep commenting on the prattle of children in the world of adults. Thank you and goodnight.

TheBeast walks back to the shadows and promptly disappears.

DAMN YOU DWIGHT

Now that I have a bunch of credits, I need to ask everyone an important question: Can I have even more? I cracked this case wide open and not only was it ignored, but this businessman has shown very pure acumen by refusing to send what I am owed. I was told if I could bring any information forward, that I would be paid.

Is my information credible? Perhaps not. Is it information? Yes, definitely. We really need to work on our wording if we're going to claim to be running businesses. I have an empire. I don't have time for this BULL.

Someone send me something NOW.

Can someone give TheBoss his reward for his contribution to the Community Investigation (not competition)?

He gave us information (though perhaps of questionable credibility). He did his part.

Perhaps the Competition Commission should pay him since it's their fault we're in this mess in the first place 

Also I'd like to commend Dwight_K_Schrute on his excellent contribution. It warms my heart as a journalist. If I wasn't as broke as a TheBeast I'd offer you a job as Second Chief Editor in Chief of 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻.

My own investigation will be published at some point as well, as soon as I have a bed to sleep in as I'm homeless and without access to a printing press.

Thank you, Harold. I am extremely proud to announce that I've received an entire credit (anonymously) for my information, and I hope that even more people come forth to bring even more potentially credible pieces of the puzzle to these men: they're a good sort, and they pay well. I'm going to be keeping my ears out for anything that I hear.

Speaking of which, if anyone would like to come to my newest venture out of Chicago: Hats & Bats, right now we are running a promotion where every single hat comes with its very own bat and I'll allow the first potential client to have their entire pick of the litter, even my most prized maple which has served me in breaking kneecaps for many years-- well, if I did that sort of thing, that's pure conjecture and can't be used in a court of law, I think. 

I'm going to need a lawyer.

Thank you, Harold. I can't wait to see the results of your investigation as well. 

Maybe TheBoss can lend you some money to solve your more immediate issues?

This is a classic example of why we need the Competition Commission.  ImportantBusinessman is apparently too important to judge this event.

Someone tried to kill me last night as well. Unrelated?  I'll let you decide.

MATTCOLLINS

You spend a lot of time calling out my name ever since I directed the postal service to stop all messages from you, JackMonroe.

I've never tried to contact you, Matt 

So, you didn’t just shout my name out for no reason? If you’re going to lie, at least be good at it.

You aren’t worth the time or effort. Best of luck out there.