The Weekly Gazette

June 24 issue

BlameSpacey

This week, our world, our people and our streets were marked by the weirdest happening. Everywhere you went, there were flyers, banners, posters and outdoors saying "BlameSpacey". Our editor-in-chief even saw these words written on a giant Zeppelin flying above New York. Upon arriving in Detroit for a business meeting, he checked the City Rules and his jaw dropped: "Always BlameSpacey"! Worst of all, people started writing "BlameSpacey" on their own suits. It was comic, if not terrifying, to see people walking around the Streets with "BlameSpacey" written on their backs or skirts. We made an extensive investigation and research, but we couldn't find the reason of this. We know that the people involved were MidpoinT, MenchoJr, Balls and Malicious. We kindly ask them to come forward and explain to us what happened and answer our biggest question:

Should we really BlameSpacey?!

Why?!

Most Loved!

Our newspaper did some research about lineages in these shores. We were curious to see which of our great grandparents were the most loved ones, so here are the results for the most mentioned and most loved lineages of our world!

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♡LadyFighter

♡SpikeSpiegel

♡Goku

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We thank you all for the participation!

Zoo Renovations

We have been noticing an abnormal growth in the amount of animals arriving in these shores lately. It all started with the SuperBee invasion a few weeks back, and now there's hives spread across all states. This newspaper is in absolute favor of the inclusion of these beloved beings and fight for their rights, we will. So we decided to start a campaign to raise funds for the refurbishment of our Zoo, which is in complete disrepair. We speaked with some of the animals.

"I think this is a fantastic idea, we need more places for me to rule and demand belly rubs... i mean, for us to hang out." - Capo Fluffy_Tummy

"The Zoo is in terrible shape and its getting harder for me to find decent leaves for my nourishment. The trees nearby my HQ looks like they came from a horror movie because i ate it all. Don't let me starve to death, donate to the cause!" - Boss Giraffe

We even talked with a Pie, which does not categorize as an animal, nor human, but they are still a sentient being that needs to be heard.

"I don't wanna give no interview! BITE ME!" - Earner Pie.

We scheduled an interview with FishTheKitty, but we simply couldn't understand their words from inside the aquarium. We tried throwing a pen and some paper into the water, but it didn't work. Figures. We also tried speaking with SpaceMonkey, but he was more interested in throwing feces at us. Perhaps some other time. We were going to interview Mikey, but our lady interviewer had her period and the dog couldn't stop sniffing her pants. We will try again in 5 days.

If you want to donate to this relevant cause, forward the money to our HQ and we will make sure it will be used properly. Thank you.

Sports and Competitions Section

We are excited to inform that there's a new competition in our Streets. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we are talking about The Hunt For El Dorado, the famous and mythical city of gold. The creator and leader of this expedition is Fluffy_Tummy. Our editor-in-chief highly recommend you to participate, so if you want to see some hot exotic people dancing almost naked or if you want to join this adventure, hurry there and sign up! 

Weather Section

Our weatherman have informed us that a storm might be approaching. Have you ever heard that saying "After the calm, comes the storm"? Or was it the other way around? We expect a lot of rain and thunder this next few days. Some of our witnesses said they've seen Floki screaming at the sky, calling for someone named Thor. Other witnesses claim that this wasn't the case, and it was actually Apache doing a weird dance. Anyway, watch out for lightning, be home safe and if you have to leave the house, grab your raincoats!

Business Review

Our critic visited The English Rose, Capo Georgette's stablishment this week. Upon entering, he was amazed with the place and for a moment, he found himself wondering if he wasn't really in England. The pub is well built like a true pub and well furnished with wooden benches and tables. There was all kinds of ales and beers, and special liquors for those who appreciates a good stiff drink. Our critic then asked for some Fish & Chips, but there was none. There was no traditional pub food at all. If they start serving food, he will gladly come back and give a 5/5, but because of this detail, he decided to give it a 3/5 rating. ☆☆☆

Recipe of the week

We received an excelent suggestion to start a recipe section, and we are here to please! The recipe of the week is something that is kind of a taboo. Its a very peculiar dish that is made a lot where our editor-in-chief comes from (specially with human hearts), but we assure you that is delicious!

Beef Heart Stew!

For those who doesn't know, the heart is just a bunch of muscles, so it doesn't have a strong taste like liver, kidney and other organs. It tastes just like meat, if not, a little gamey. Let's start! You're gonna need a heart (duh), onions, garlic, 1 tomato, pepper, 1 red capsicum, parsley, chive and salt. First, remove the extra fat with your sharp knife. Cut the heart into pieces, preferably 1 to 2 inches. Chop all the ingredients. Put them all together (except the parsley and the chive) in the slow cooker and fry it a little until the onions are golden (use how much onions and garlic you want, our chef personally uses a LOT, because it's yummy!), put water until its covered (he uses a broth that he make himself, with a bony meat, carrots, onions, garlic and celery). Put salt and pepper. Cook it for 30 minutes to 1 hour. Serve it hot, alone or with the sides you want, like rice or mashed potatoes. Sprinkle chive and parsley on top and enjoy!

Lost and Found Section

- Wise Guy TomJoad is missing for weeks. We talked with Crew Leader Mikey (we sent a male person this time and the interview continued after a quick ass and Balls sniffing).

"I'm very worried with Tom. He said he was going to California with his family for a brief vacation and it has been weeks since he doesn't call. Last time i spoke to him, he said he was tired of picking fruit and asked me to send some money, which i did. I was never able to speak to him again. If someone have any news or if this newspaper reaches him, please, send me a letter Tom, we need to speak about your sister's arrengement with me about providing breastmilk." - Boss Mikey.

- Capo Indifference contacted us and said he lost something, but changed his mind because he couldn't care less about it.

Classifieds

- Wise Guy Rhys is selling all kinds of tables, that he makes himself.

"I was so fucking tired of being flipped by that maniac Colonel_Ives, that i decided to start making tables for him to flip instead of me. It turned out i actually liked doing it and now it's a hobby! My tables are the best!" 

If you have interest in buying, please, contact him.

- Boss Cork was apparently looking for a Bottle to call his own. To his luck, this newspaper is here to help him find it, we love a good matchmaking! If you happen to know a Bottle somewhere, please, contact us or send him a letter.

Riddle of the week

$ The first reader to answer this riddle correctly will receive a million dollar prize! $

"My life is measured in hours and i serve you well by fading away. I'm fast when i'm skinny, i'm slow when i'm fat. My worst enemy is the wind. Who am i?"

"Please don't cheat, my dear readers!"

Obituary

Thankfully our shores have been very quiet and peaceful lately, so we only had one death:

- Goomba Shiv, Kuku's lineage, once again being an embarrassment. Hopefully he teached his son how to change.

RIP

"Our editor-in-chief is very sorry for the delay, being a Crew Leader and a journalist is not that easy, but we will keep trying to bring you happiness and information! As usual: if you have any critics, opinions and comments, send me a letter, they would be deeply appreciated. Also, if you want our critic or food critic to review your stablishment, please send us a letter or give us a call and we will gladly do it. Thank you and until next week, my dear friends!"

"I heard someone is looking for me. Is it finally time for me to find myself a partner?"

Bottle puts down the newspapers and walks away in search of her Cork

Stiffler put down his Lacrosse bat and heavy sports bag - after a day of sportin’, hustlin’ and mackin’ the hotties, he needed to take a moment to chill. Unbeknown to most, he enjoyed a well made coffee and reading The Weekly Gazette in his spare time.

Settling into his favourite chair, in his most comfortable smoking jacket, he begins to read.

A very enjoyable issue, varied in subject matter and fun, another great effort. I look forward to the next issue. I tip my hat to the editor and chief, Colonel_Ives

Walking past the paper stand something caught his eye. The Weekly Gazette:3rd Issue. Had it really been a week already?! Leviathan immediately bought a copy and began to read. He had enjoyed last weeks and hoped to see more interested news articles and other content like last weeks edition. After finishing the paper, he passed it over to his crewmate and said, "All yours, another cracking job and really well written. Especially since things had been much calmer for the past week they have done well to report on other thing." Smiling they continued their travels down the street towards their next business meeting. 

Middy walks up newspaper in hand, cigarette in the other. He starts speaking.

"Ok, so I mean i find it fucking hysterical they both made the list. The irony is fucking classic. But seriously how the fuck Spike and Goku make the most loved list?"

He then waits patiently while laughing.

"There is no fucking way." Middy keeps laughing thinking maybe they love each other.

SpaceMonkey walks to the newspaper stand and grabs the Gazette and looks at it upside down.  As its eyes are trained on the paper, its fur stands up and its face looks strained.  "REEEEEEEE!" SpaceMonkey exclaims as a log of shit plops to the floor right then and there. 

The monkey then picks the piece of shit up off the floor and throws it at the person sitting behind the newspaper stand uses the Gazette to wipe its hands clean.

Before the newspaper stand worker could say a word, SpaceMonkey runs off towards the park and jumps into a tree and disappears in the leaves.

"Thank you all for the tips and compliments, that's what keeps our editor-in-chief going! We are here to please you, dear readers!"

The colonel then notices that nobody solved the riddle yet, so he approaches the news stand and says for everybody to hear:

"I'll give one more clue to the riddle: there is a store in Philadelphia that sells it. Good luck!"

Knusprig reads the Weekly Gazette with great interest. He hasn't been in the business that long, so he's glad for any source of information.

He has just skimmed the weekly recipe with some disgust. On the following page, the riddle catches his eye. Clearly, he thinks, remembering hos grandmother who used to ask him such questions, this is about a candle! He quickly grabs paper and fountain pen and writes a short letter to the editor and takes it to the post office. He hopes to be the lucky winner soon.

Knusprig sits at his kitchen table, a stack of letters in front of him: today's mail. One envelope immediately catches his eye. The sender is listed as "The Weekly Gazette“. Tensely, Knusprig tears open the envelope and takes out a check for no less than $1 million dollars and a cover letter congratulating the loyal reader. Knusprig is delighted with the prize and writes another letter to the editor, thanking him and assuring him that he will continue to be a reader.

"I'll give one more clue to the riddle: there is a store in Philadelphia that sells it. Good luck!"

Stumbling around the PH Business District after a bender that led to a sexy party, the Stiffmeister thought he needed to replenish his CANDLE stock for when the hotties wanna use candle wax to get freaky. In the store, at the till, purchasing penis themed candles, he had a light bulb moment! this could be the answer to the riddle he read in the newspaper earlier that week, he thought.

”It’s a fuckin candle baby!” Shouted Stiffler. Colonel_Ives

"Knusprig, congratulations on solving the riddle" The colonel then wrote a 1 million check and told his private mailman to deliver as soon as possible.

"Since Knusprig solved it first, i'll write Stiffler a 500 thousand dollar check as a participation prize!"

SpaceCowboy had just picked up his new edition of the weekly gazette before hopping onto the train, headed back home for some much-needed sleep. With his feet kicked up onto one of the chairs he gets comfortable while reading his paper.

To his surprise SpaceCowboy notices one of his suggestions was used in this week's "Recipe of the week" neatly he rips off the recipe from the newspaper and stuffs it into his pocket to cook up later.

Reading over the Zoo renovations he laughs, shaking his head. 

"That reminds me to get more leaves from DeadlySpike to feed my Giraffe. He has been looking a bit thin and scrawny lately."

Neatly he folds up his newspaper.

"The Colonel sure out did himself this time! Another top-notch edition, really looking forward to next weeks."

Might I request a dramatic retelling of the history of The Fareham War, that ravaging period of bloodshed violence and chaos which was started by a trigger-happy CL that shot his own right hand the innocent John_Fareham for a joke someone else told, for the next issue?

I think it might be a highly educative article. Without the JFMAST around I don't think people are reminded enough of this tragic event.

TheWanderingJew wanders the streets looking for something to occupy his time. The streets - scattered with men and women all reading the same thing, The Weekly Gazette. He throws down his $20k for a copy, not knowing what to expect. He grabs his coffee, lights up his pipe and gets stuck in to it. 

Well, that was a great read and very well written. Thank you to the editor-in-chief for compiling this. 

Proof of this would be the fact that Stiffler is reading it and there are no naked ladies on page 3. Perhaps next week? 

My dear readers, i want you all to know what our editor-in-chief was on a crazy bender this weekend, but he's already working on the new issue of The Weekly Gazette! And again, thank you all for the tips and compliments, you guys are fucking awesome!"

Great to hear the news of a new issue of the Weekly Gazette! 

Will this one have a feature on Harold reporting Sniffler and Grin's love affair at the 12th street public toilets and then subsequently being killed in a mysterious, hush hush manner. Perhaps a more in depth look at the alleged affair also. I saw that numerous people were requesting more investigations in to this.

I am hoping the next Gazette reports on Colonel_Ives' lack of shoes... Also, it is probably wise to report on proper podiatry care and going to the salon, for crocodiles. 

You should also advertise a Shrimp Gala, and talk about the Titanic Shrimp and their lovely colony with 24/7 parties.