The Tabloid News – Special Leaders Edition
Mr. Pickles: Editor-in-Chief

FROM THE EDITOR

Greetings, everyone.  We here at The Tabloid News have noticed a lot of talk in the streets about the leaders of our fine cities.  As the only credible journalistic source in the eight cities, we feel it is our duty to cash in on this trend.  However, we’re busy people.  We don’t have time to analyze street presence, leadership abilities, or motivation of the crew members.  So, we are just going to judge the Crew Leaders and their Right Hands by their suits, just like we judge books by their covers.  After all, that is why books have covers, right?  So, let us begin, and on with the news . . .

CHICAGO

Bob the Astronaut: Simple, austere.  But, with overtones of people dying.  Very nice.  Not very astronautish, though.  5/10
Mr. Morrison:  New York Mobster with a Sinatra quote.  Can’t go wrong with Sinatra.  5/10

Furby:  Must be at the dry cleaners.  0/10
Howard Wolowitz:  Shaggy hair and bright red shirt . . . looks like a guy hiding a gun.  5/10

Jade:  Every rose has its thorn.  Pretty, but dangerous.  5/10
Rupert:  I’d hate to see what you’d do to Goldilocks!  5/10

Mr. Brick:  Simple.  To the point.  Nice.  5/10
Raptor:  Not sure where you’re going or where you’re coming from.  But, a T-Rex is a T-Rex.  5/10

Mrs. Doubtfire:  Behind every sweet old lady is a very hairy-armed ex-coke-head.  Never mistake kindness for weakness says this one.  5/10
Gallifrey:  Nothing scarier than an angry man out of vicodin!  5/10

Roman:  The sinking of an unsinkable ship.  Very strong.  I assume Roman is the iceberg.  5/10
Jessse James:  An armed nerd.  Very scary!  5/10

Sexy Beast:  Apparently we have different definitions of sexy.  5/10
Pizza The Hut:  Food poisoning is very nasty!  5/10

Spuff Waffle:  Again, must be at the cleaners.  0/10

Iscaron:  Kinda sneaks up on you.  Strikes fear into the hearts of people.  5/10
Simplicity:  Like the name implies.  Has the look of someone who knows where the bodies are buried.  5/10

DETROIT

Alabama Worley:  Somehow I think there’s a dark secret behind those sunglasses and Holstein skirt.  5/10
Klasky:  And, this is why I’m afraid of people in hoodies.  5/10

Jessica Rabbit:  You’re not bad.  You’re just drawn that way.  I’m sure all the men in her crew do exactly what she wants.  5/10

Spunk Trumpet:  The look of a man who’s getting things done, even over the phone.  5/10
Huebert:  Really, people need to pick up their suits from the cleaners!  0/10

LAS VEGAS

Andrew Paxton:  Cleaners.  0/10
Alex Keene:  Same.  0/10

Bjorn:  I was expecting something more Swedish Chef, less butcher.  5/10
Chaos Spike:  Very nice smile!  Bjorn must offer great dental coverage.  5/10

Canucklehead:  Definitely a dry-clean only suit.  Can’t let the purple run with the other colours.  5/10
Scrabble King:  He spelled a swear!  5/10

Chade:  Shiny, colourful, and laid back.  A suit for all seasons!  5/10
Whiskey:  Looks a little stressed.  Might want to cut back on caffeine.  5/10

LOS ANGELES

Daniel Venzeti:  That’s just . . . well . . . bad to the bone.  5/10
Kriminal:  A classic look that dates back to earlier, simpler times.  5/10

Jimmy Napoli:  Another classic look.  Watch out for ash.  5/10
Flowah:  Mildly disturbing.  Again, someone offers really good health coverage.  5/10

Kimble:  I don’t know if the Pope would approve, but I don’t think the Big Guy would have any problems with it.  5/10
Aizlynn Lombardi:  Classy, austere . . . definitely has a body under the floor boards.  5/10

Salvatore Maranzano:  I don’t know if winter is the right time for a white suit, but the flower in the lapel is perfect for any occasion.  5/10
Sao:  Well tailored.  Fashionable.  Could stand to straighten the tie.  5/10

Stamina:  The only way you can get away with looking like that in public is if no one’s afraid to laugh at you.  5/10
Febrant:  The lapels were last season, but the artistic flute is a nice touch.  5/10

NEW YORK

Premeir:  I’ve always thought plaid clashed with military green.  I guess I was right.  5/10
xShad0wx:  Looks like it needs more WD-40 than starch.  5/10

Absolut:  That’s the same suit my Uncle wore every Thanksgiving.  Don’t ask.  5/10
Sticks1988:  I’m not quite sure what to say, but I’m almost positive Oleg Cassini had anything to do with it.  5/10

Cadoras:  Very sporty.  Looks like a good thing to wear for the weekends.  5/10
The Civilian:  And . . . one again . . . pick your suit up from the cleaners!  0/10

Duke:  Three-piece suit AND a machine gun.  Formal to Funeral in seconds!  5/10
Ciaran:  The only reason you walk through a wheat field without being a farmer is you’re leaving a body behind.  5/10

Love Gun:  Yarr!  And booty to spare!  6/10
CM Punk:  An outfit like that requires a pretty good deodorant.  5/10

Meresin:  Belt with suspenders?  I can’t believe this!  4/10
Mr. Pickles:  Excellent!  Bravo!  Wonderful!  10/10

Stallion:  The last guy who dressed like that told me he was my father.  5/10
Axe:  I’m sure the shirt won’t stay blood-free for long with that axe in hand.  5/10

PHILADELPHIA

Cassi:  Looks sweet, but I’m sure hiding deadly, evil eyes.  5/10
Ellie:  How can I be turned on and so frightened at the same time?  Time to see the therapist again.  5/10

PARISo:  Literally to the point.  It’s goodly enough.  5/10
Pilar:  Naughty, yet the Venetian blind motif screams “restraining order.”  5/10

ST. LOUIS

Batman:  Holy inseam!  What kind of influence is that on Robin?  5/10
Sam Walton:  Looks very comfortable.  Definitely good for napping.  5/10

Hound:  Slightly disturbing and mildly impressive.  5/10
Lips McGhee:  Definitely screams heavenly vengeance.  5/10

Jewish Jake:  Probably one of the most devious looking people out there, capable of committing any crime, except after sundown on Fridays.  5/10
Tony Castelli:  Definitely a guy you don’t want to meet in a dark alley or a well lit sidewalk.  5/10

SuperX:  Very nice.  It has, as the French would say, a certain something.  5/10
Candrima:  It’s usually what it looks like prior to the tooth fairy realizing she hasn’t met her quote, and grabs the pliers.  5/10

Simplicity takes a look and then frowns.

"I'm a 10/10 in my heart. That is all that matters."

Then turning to the creator of the paper, she looks at him and says.

"You are the weakest link, goodbye."

And with her goodbye, she walked off.

Sao is reading through the paper, and at first thinks that his entire city was skipped.

Mr_Pickles, I have to point out a misprint in your paper. The city of New Orleans has been lumped in with the west coast city of Los Angeles. Not sure if you noticed, but I'm picky like that b

Sao runs a hand down his suit with a grin.

Now, while I appreciate the thought you've put into this, and the fact that it's a very interesting topic to cover, I have to say that I'm told by a certain lady friend of mine that my suit makes me look sexy. I appreciate your judgement, but I prefer the judgement of the fairer sex rather than a, well pickle...

Overall fun issue though.

Sao grins again and walks off with his copy.

Hearing the news, Lana notices the Editor-in-Chief and gives him the once over...ok, twice.

"I must disagree with you, Mr_Pickles. I'd give you 5/10...for lack of 'booty'!"

Realising she spoke out loud, she blushes as she rumages through her hand bag for...what was it again?

No, no.  I never make mistakes.  Look at your map.  New Orleans is now a suburb of Los Angeles, like Annaheim or Albuquerque,

Reading over the tabloid she shakes her head.

I kinda have to say that perhaps someone gave you a wrong map? She looks at a map of the US and then back at his childhood drawing. Umm.. or perhaps it was simply drawn wrong? She shrugs as she hands him a current one.

The hulkster picks up the tabloid news and begins to laugh.

El Pick...Mr_Pickles Brother you have done an excellent job here brother! I laughed a few times while reading this dude!

Realizing he is naked, he runs to the cleaners to get his suit.

Waltzing outside, he approaches Mr. Pickles

Well now sir, would you kindly judge my suit that I just procured from the cleaners? I'm sure it can get a score no one else has...like an 8 or 9 out of 10!

Cames up naked behind Hogan. And, smack his lower back.

You're it!

Sweeney bends down real quick and picks up the paper while running.

Sigh. This is so like me, to be woefully unprepared when the papers come about wanting a picture. Too bad my and Andrew's suits were at the cleaners for this.

We had ... a, ahem ... uh ... unfortunate Dr Pepper accident.

Correction Ms. Keene. Diet.

He gives a quick smile and wave as he runs.

"Bob the Astronaut: Simple, austere. But, with overtones of people dying. Very nice. Not very astronautish, though. 5/10"

.....You failed me Mr_Pickles.

Listens at the commotion about judging of suits and all. Fixing her hair and taking a deep breathe she smiled sweetly and her eyes twinkling with mischievousness

I do believe sir that you have it wrong, we do not judge the book by its cover . And I would say that Raptor is such a cute dino .

The Civilian: And . . . one again . . . pick your suit up from the cleaners! 0/10

Civ reads the tabloids not believing his own eyes...

"What??? This man insults my suits... what is wrong with my suit man? My suits are always clean... sharp and nicely cut. I have my personal tailor to make sure the fit is perfect.
If something is wrong Mr.Pickles... please tell me!... i will send my tailor next to his grandparents. What... you dont like the cut?... my butt looks too big? What is wrong? Come on!"

"You're damn lucky to be RHM and in NY buddy... some nerve... saying my suits arent clean... man, i cleaned them all a month ago. What do you take me for? A dirty bum?"

Civ walks away, puffing out big white clouds of cigar smoke. He puffed out so much smoke you could'nt even see his suit if you tried...

It's not my fault that, at the time of printing, you suit wasn't available for all to see.  That's just the way it is.

Giuliano picks up the tabloid and goes through the list laughing then he stops and his expression angers slightly.

Mr_Pickles how rude are us LH not worthy enough to make your paper? If I can call it that.., Us LH are what make the world go round I have you know.

He stares intently at Mr_Pickles waiting for an answer.

I have nothing against the LHM's of our world.  But . . . were I to include the LHM's, I would have to worry about Number_Four's ego and that would cause the whole crew nothing but trouble.

And you call yourself a journalist... Almost as bad as that Chuckle fella!

Giuliano pauses for dramatic effect before letting of a wry smile and striding off down the road with the tabloid firmly in his hand

Rampage stared intently at the tabloid news. He was never an avid reader, however this edition was full of pictures so he knew he could understand it. on the first page he saw a picture of his leader. He grabbed some poor child by the scruff of his nect and told him to read what it says. "erm, ok sir. Bob the astronaut" Rampage interrupted the kid Yuh mean astroNUT! Kid if yuh cant read den..."
"No sir please, It says astronaut right here." Rampage snapped the paper off the child and gave him the sign to leave rather quickly. He rampaged over to where Mr pickles was handing out copies of his paper and shouted "EH, YUH, CUM ERE MATE" Rampage waited until Mr pickles came over to him.

"Now I realleh liked this paper, its got all them nice piccies and stuff innit, and I can see the funneh side to all of it like. But what i dont like is this!" Rampage points to where the small misprint had happened. Its astroNUT! Not Astronaut. he's a astronut cause he likes to nut stuff, He likes to nut stuff so feckin ard that the end up in space. I think."

Once again, New York scores high and comes up on top!