Paraprosdokian. "Regular". O'Connor. Paraprosdokian. "Regular". O'Connor. Paraprosdokian. "Regular". O'Connor. 

Ian Illuminatiated O'Connor sat with those three words going through his head. There was ParaprosdokianIan, bald Ian, and of course himself. As the tingle from his last Quaalude wore off he couldn't shake the question that had been haunting him all evening; which Ian was the best Ian? Sure; Paraprosdokian had the edgy aesthetic appeal and a certain 'way' he held his hand while Dicing that appealed to furry mammals and the ladies alike; and sure, when bald Ian spoke many people swooned... but alas, Illuminatiated knew he could hold his own. He would prove it, in a competition*.

Ladies and gentleman I come to you this evening with a simple contest. We're here to decide as a public as to which of us Ian's is truly the best Ian. The contestants are... ParaprosdokianIan from Vegas. Bald/Regular Ian from New York. And myself, Ian "Illuminatiated" O'Connor. 

Bewilder, appall, amuse, entrance us with your entries. There shall be three categories; Uniqueness. Clout. Sex Appeal. 

To submit an entry is as simple as stepping up to this podium.

Illuminatiated paused for a moment to drag out a podium from a nearby alley. 

Ah yes, THAT podium there. Step up to the podium and announce which Category/which Ian you're telling a tale about. Tell the tale, sparing no details!!! 

All contestants will win something(Perks/Creds). In 1 week from this time a POLL will be sent out to the public for the official voting in regards to this controversy. Whichever Ian comes out on top will receive a special prize and the title of Best Ian. 

*This Competition is in no way affiliated with any Committee.

ParaprosdokianIan steps onto the scene for the very first time, scrapes his throat and says

Let me start by stating that there are three kinds of people in the world.. Those that understand the binary system and those that do not.

It's clear.. it's obvious.. The uniqueness, clout and sex appeal.. I don't want to hold a speech to advocating qualities I don't see in myself, so the least I can do is vote. And as I am lazy, the least is what I will do

In all categories the winner should be Illiumite.. Illuminat..

A drip of sweat appears on @ParaprodokianIan's forehead

The best Ian, I mean.. Is Illuminat..

@ParaprodokianIan shakes his head and wraps it up

Really. Screw those TwentyCharacterishNames. You know what? I vote for fucking Ian.

As he walked away, ParaprosdokianIan looked back to see if he noticed Tyki_Mikk somewhere, whispering

Not literally, Tyki.. Not literally..

Esteemed panel of judges,

I wish to register myself for this competition, I've consulted a team of legal experts and they have assured me that I should have all the necessary credentials to qualify as a contestant to be voted on.

Once my registration is complete I will perform my own dramatic oration as for why I am, as the nickname my father gave me suggests, the bestest Ian.

Also I presume that part about this not being overseen by "any Committee" was a joke. Good jape, haha. Keep dreaming.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Board has reached out to me to confirm the eligibility of The_Bestest_Ian. Despite wanting to keep the Ian count to a manageable three, they pointed out that the guy does indeed qualify to compete for the title of Best Ian. 

Illuminatiated glances at Bald Ian and then to ParaprosdokianIan with a slight shrug. 

Guess we have some more competition, lads. 

"Illuminatiated thank you for having the good sense of justice to allow me to enter this competition."

The_Bestest_Ian cleared his throat, and turned to face the audience.

"I shall now do my best to prove to you all why I deserve to win your vote, and by extension this entire contest including the massive prize that will undoubtedly be awarded to the winner (not to mention the "Commission grant")."

"Ask yourself: is there truly anything bad you can say about The_Bestest_Ian at this point in time? I challenge you to come up with a single negative character trait of mine. Since I am a new face around these parts I don't think anything will come to mind."

"Now that we have established that I have no negative traits whatsoever we can, by applying an advanced concept of logic called 'negation' infer that I must simply be the best(est) Ian around."

"That is why I deserve to win this contest, I would like to thank you in advance for voting for me. That will be all."

You hear the click-clack of the soles of fine Italian leather shoes as a shadowy figure emerges from the darkness of the alleyway. It is none other than TheStranger! The darkness is momentarily interrupted by the light at the end of his cigarette. He peers out of the alleyway to where a congregation of mobsters have assembled. Still shrouded by the shadows, TheStranger watches. He listens. He observes not only the monsters in attendance but the pedestrians, the civilians, and yes, especially even, the police. The stranger flicks his cigarette and watches it bounce off the dingy brick wall and fall uncinematically to the ground. The once orange light from the finishes cigarette turns a dull grey as TheStranger watches what is left of his cigarette self-extinguish into a small lump of ash. A wind blows through the alleyway, blowing the ash along with it. What once was there no longer is, one of nature’s more fascinating phenomenon. TheStranger was well read and curious, a dangerous combination, but an effective one. He read books not only about fire and science, but physics and law too. TheStranger understood that one must keep his or her mind sharp to survive in this business, and he was determined to keep his like that of a dagger. He peered out of the alleyway and listened to the gathered mobsters speak

“Very interesting” he says. 

Ian watched as Illuminated presented his challenge. He looked closely at his eyes and wondered what sort of mind-melting thundermuck h’d consumed to come to the fore with this. Some savage departure from sense had obviously compromised him beyond reason. Ian walked over to Illuminated and put a hand on his shoulder.

”Are you alright my boy? Perhaps you should have yourself a lie down. Maybe some soup and a nap may help.”

He turned and walked back through the small gathering. He patted The_Bestest_Ian on the head and tipped a nod at the stranger as he passed. This day had started strangely enough. He wondered what the rest of it bring. 

Squid enters the podium, his squishy head held high.

Ladies and gentlemen, esteemed Ians, and curious onlookers alike. Allow me to present my irrefutable case, which will prove the very existence of all three distinguished subjects. With the help of my newly discovered mathematical theory and science, I shall affirm the undeniable conclusion that they are all equally real. Based on 'e=Ian', I call it: The Ink-credible Theory of Ian.

Now, consider this, if you will, in the realm of quantum physics, each Ian represent their own distinct mass of particles, and they themselves are as illusive as the great Higgs Boson. However, when taking into account the 'Big Bang', it would suggest that all particles stem from the very same energy, and point in time, the beginning of the universe as we know it.

Using the grand unification theory, we can see a convergence of these particles. When in close proximity of each other, they tend to look almost identical, but eventually they can combine, offering up distinct attributes, seemingly forming a singularity, where their uniqueness, clout and sex appeal meld into one cosmic energy once again. The math behind this is rooted in quantum entanglement, and as this energy grows, eventually it's atoms and molecules become hyper interconnected, making them even harder to distinguish. But, since we have already established that they are based off of the very same fundamental particles, their combined cosmic energy also thereby defies all disbelief.

In other words, the current existence of ParaprosdokianIan, Regular Ian, and Ian Illuminatiated O'Connor now, and in the future, is not only feasible, but mathematically grounded. All three Ians must be real, for we all must be real. In the realm of science we sometimes encounter coincidences, but mathematical theory simply doesn't lie.

The_Bestest_Ian listens intently to Squid, who must obviously be an esteemed scholar of Ianethematics. The_Bestest_Ian didn't really understand what any of it meant, but that was just further proof that whatever Squid was saying must be exceptionally clever. As the saying goes: only an absolute moron worships the simple, a genius worships the complex and incomprehensible.

"Squid your expose has placed you in my mind among the greats in the rich history of this thing of ours. Greats such as WhereWasI, John_Fareham, and perhaps even Jerome (GRHS)."

"HOWEVER."

"Are you not forgetting a certain Ian in your mathematical equations? Hmm???"

Squid, continues..

Ah, The_Bestest_Ian, my esteemed friend, you have a keen eye for detail! You see, in the vast landscape of Ianethematics, sometimes even the most brilliant Ians can momentarily slip through the cracks of our equations. It's a testament to the depth of our field!

But fear not, for your astute observation has led to a breakthrough of its own. Allow me to present to you 'The_Ian_Inclusion Principle', it proclaims that every Ian, regardless of initial oversight, contributes uniquely to the grand theory of Ians.

It is in our collective effort that the true magic happens.

"Squid by righting your wrong (or rather, your accidental omission of the Ian_Inclusion Principle) you have become a brother of mine. An Honourary Ian if you will. A gentleman and a scholar. I tip my hat to you, I tip my fedora to you."

"Illuminatiated, seeing how Squid is now official recognised as an honourary Ian please put him on the candidate's list as well. Thank you in advance."

"And to adress the general public: This is not an endorsement for Squid in the upcoming vote, please vote for me ok thanks."

Ian glanced back and forth between Ian, ParaprosdokianIan and The_Bestest_Ian. The contest was thrown together in a post-Quaalude daze and in his solitary moments, Illuminatiated admitted to himself that it could have been executed far more brilliantly. He shrugged briefly and took a mental note for his future self to get a second set of eyes on things before venturing out in to these cold hard Streets, should he ever choose to do so again.  

"The_Bestest_Ian, I cannot accept this new entrant despite his stunning linguistics and his tentacle-based skills...  Our week is up, though! The official voting has commenced! For voting information please visit this banner below." 

https://forms.gle/mQBDP5ghVn9pZnV99

Illuminatiated coughs and scribbles a little more on the banner. 

https://forms.gle/mQBDP5ghVn9pZnV99

- voting will remain open for 3 days - 

The newly engaged in this world Yaveo rushed over to the voting box. As he was fairly new to this world he was unaware of prior politics happening. Yaveo grabbed a pen and paper Scribbled a name and dropped it in. 

definitely voting for Ian on this one. 

As a friendly service to my fellow mobsters, I would like to stipulate that voting is now closed. Seeing as how this competition is "in no way affiliated with any committee", I do hereby declare myself the winner. I realize that I did not enter the contest and that, in fact, there is no resemblance or reference to any "Ian" in my name, but that should be of no concern. It's too bad that there isn't some commission that could regulate these competitions to keep scoundrels like me from such ruthless acts.

I'm sorry folks, it appears that I made a huge mistake. I was just informed that all "Ian's" must be ginger. Since not even my pubes are ginger, or they would not be ginger if I wasn't so immaculately manscaped, then I must withdraw my name from consideration. The_Bestest_Ian is the true champion. Congrats, Ian! You are the bestest.

I was on the cusp of denouncing the preposterous Competition-Coup that TomJoad orchestrated. I had written a speech laded with personal insults and rightful indignation and was about to relate it to you all.

However seeing the amendment to his previous declaration I suddenly feel more inclined to support it instead. TomJoad's wisdom should not be underestimated, this could all have been prevented if there was some committee to oversee this whole ordeal. Or perhaps in more autocratic fashion: a Leader of The Streets who could have single-handedly shepherded this competition.

TomJoad, I’m absolutely mortified at this scandalous assertion that all the Ian’s are ginger. This accusation of genetic inferiority goes way beyond mere insult. Quite apart from the evidence of the luscious and thick hedgerow that is my dark brows, I feel I must point out my hairy  history. Long ago, before the great evolutionary force determined that it should do away with my thick head of hair, as it was simply creating needless wind and aquatic resistance, I had a great mop of dark brown hair. Straight, dark brown hair. You see not only was I not subject to the great ginger affliction, I was also not cursed with the other genetic defect of having curly hair.
 

Sir, I resent your dreadful accusation. I do trust this affront will not be repeated. 

Gillian walked into what appeared to be a huge argument between the fine gentlemen. She loved good fight, but unfortunately it was friday and there was a lot of drinks to be had and magic to be done. She went straight to the voting box and wrote "The_Bestest_Ian". He seemed like a nice Ian.

She then whispered in the middle of the crowd:

"Am i that perverse? We shall see, because now i curse

that this fight gets a lot worse!"

She laughed and walked to the nearest bar direction.

FinIty walks out from behind a trash can placing the lid back on it. What was he doing there...you realize you don't really want to know and notice he is about to say something so best listen in.

As a member of the secret not a Committee, even though we always spell it with a capital letter because its totally an official Committee, I'm excited to hear the results of the voting and wait eagerly to receive those results before anyone else. I mean, being a self appointed member of the Committee should have its advantages, right?

FinIty looks around as if to try to identify if anyone bought his clear lies...based on his face that doesn't appear to be the case.