Grin pulled the collar of his coat closer about himself and tensed his shoulders into the wind. He had known that it would be a cold day in Chicago today, a bracing November wind had been threatening to whip through the city and it had decided to show that it meant business, snapping around his head. His ears had long since gone numb, but he hunched down a little further to try and stop the icy grip that had already claimed his extremities from getting the rest of his face.

"Fucking weather." He hissed to himself, the breath fogging out in front of him like a dirty chewing gum bubble. He remembered walking down this street behind his father years earlier, when they had first hatched 'that' idea. He could remember the look on the late 'Beast's face as he had told them what his plans had been, Chuckle's riotous laughter at the audacity of it, Marionette's sly, mocking snigger, Father Hut's pious drivel about righteousness and tempting fate, Gordon Zola's penchant for touching himself whilst he thought and Oderus' pleas for credits, the LHM position and more bodyguards.

Grin shuddered as another venomous blast of wind threatened to chill him. He kept his head down and picked up his pace. Who would brave Lake Michigan on a day like today? He wondered to himself briefly about it, although he realised he knew the answer. He knew the shore would be packed with people; both connected guys and common folk, all come to pay tribute to the legacy of a great man.

"G-R-I-N."

The metallic drone could only belong to IG-88 and Grin knew better than to try and engage the robot in dialogue. It hadn't been addressing him, just assessing him for weaknesses. He ignored it and walked on, his mind taking him back to the conversation years before. He could still see the 6 of them, SexyBeast, Chuckle, Marionette, PizzaTheHut, Gordon Zola and Oderus, staring out across the harbour.

"Fuck off, Marionette, you fat wanker!" Chuckle roared, barely controlling his laughter.

"I'm serious" The stick thin, man-rodent shot back "I think we could do it-"

"Roman would never go for it" PizzaTheHut interrupted, the crust of his lip slightly upturned, whether in amusement or natural disfigurement Grin had never been able to tell.

"He won't be in the picture much longer. Then we'll build it. Just the way the God would have wanted, the way he deserves" The beast had been confident, but the gleam in his eye betrayed his excitement. This meant everything to him.

"Gordon!!!" Oderus piteously whined in the background "I just need another 100 credits to get my bodyguards to keep these chicks off me"

Gordon gave the gremlin in front of him a once over, like a parent wondering at the best method to placate an unruly toddler. "Shutup." He finally decided, drawing the attention of the group, because Gordon wasn't often right and even from his position as a bodyguard, Grin had noticed the palpable surprise that radiated off them as a result of Gordon actually being right on the money for once.

"G-R-I-N. Destination reached." IG-88 announced.

Grin looked up startled, his reverie broken and he was forced to take in the crowd before him. He saw Father Hut on the podium in front of the harbour, his robes swirling about him. He looked terrifying and glorious, inspiring confidence and fear in equal measure. Grin pushed his way to the podium, the tide of humanity parting as they realised who he was. He nodded once to Father Hut, who acknowledged him with a gaze.

"Father." Grin flashed him a smile.

"Grin. May he who is greatest honour you." The Don Priest answered formally.

"I fucking hope so." Grin sniggered. PizzaTheHut didn't. Grin sighed and looked up at the sky, the giant shadow engulfing them felt judgemental, which he was sure wasn't a good sign. He had no choice and the people waited. Turning to face them, he steeled himself for what he had to do.

"We lost a great man; many great men in fact. We knew it would be costly, taking this city back in his name and some may wonder if it was worth it. It is ok, you are right to wonder. Our Beast is gone and we have a different man helping this community now. A different man, but with the same vision, because that is all he can see! All anyone can see when they look to Chicago! Our colossus! Our behemoth!"

Grin looked out over the crowd, to his relief he saw people nodding along excitedly and looking out into the lake behind him. He allowed himself a brief smile before continuing.

"He watches over us whilst we sleep. He who is greatest. He who is best."

Grin bowed his head and the onlookers followed. Even IG-88 hunkered down his metal frame slightly out of respect.

"Mighty Bearderus, hear my prayer. Look after your treasured apprentice, SexyBeast and all of Chicago's fallen sons. Guard their friends and guide their families through grief. We will rebuild this city, until it is as tall and as strong as you!"

People began cheering and Grin decided it was finally time, the culmination of decades of hard work, a life time of dedicated worship; all came down to this.

"Unveil him!" He roared with all the strength his voice could muster and the covering was hastily withdrawn. An awed gasp escaped from the lips of the crowd.

Before their eyes the gargantuan statue of Bearderus came to life. It towered over the Chicago skyline at 200ft tall, made of copper plate cladding, fixed around an internal skeleton and mounted on a marble pedestal. Majesty flowed from the statue like a tide, it was impossible not to be impressed and overwhelmed by the grandeur and scale of it. It stole away souls and no-one could ever be the same once they looked upon him.

Bearderus was depicted with one arm aloft, credits clutched tightly in his clawed fingers. He had a greedy look on his face, almost snarling, like he was selfishly scheming for his own progression and concerned about nobody other than himself. He was wearing an ornamental gown, the many pockets of it bulging with hoarded dollars, which he hadn't donated; choosing instead to keep them for his own gain. His other arm trailed out behind him, as if pushing away the symbolic virtues of patience, co-operation and teamwork.

At the base of the statue, many women had been carved, beautiful women of all shapes and sizes. They seemed enthralled by the mighty Bearderus, staring at him lustfully and with longing, throwing themselves at him. However, it was as if the statue of Bearderus was literally getting so much pussy it was annoying and one mammoth foot was raised above them, almost ready to squash them in his anger.

Two bodyguards lay at the ground in front of the women. It was difficult to fathom what these might represent, but it was clear that they had been killed in the line of duty. One bore the seal of SexyBeast himself, like he had purchased him for Bearderus. They lay broken and beaten, unlike Bearderus himself and beside them was angrily carved the word "MORE", effectively capturing Bearderus' infamous intolerance for his lack of protection.

The pedestal upon which Bearderus stood was shaped like a giant slice of pizza, announcing to the world his enduring support of The Cheese Syndicate. Some of his immortal gospel had been preserved in the pizza itself, standing as an eternal testament to his genius, having been chiselled into the enormous, alluring crust:

:: Not until I get what I want ::

:: so i saw these strangers through my window, so I went to answer the door, I asked them who they were and the woman was like, "you don't remember?" I was like, "wait.....are you my aunt?" She was nodding her head and then I looked at the two hot Indian girls next to her and then I was like "you must be my cousins!" ::

:: is it wrong to flirt with my cousins?::

:: where's my IWP, bro? ::

:: you be getting all the women with a car like that, they'll be after your dick no joke ::

:: i hate you bro, you replaced me for that dipshit who's prolly grinning right now ::

:: queer ass, i should've never recruited his ass, prick... ::

:: i was about to park a size 6 boot up his ass ::

:: so i was at the gym admiring myself in the mirror ::

:: i felt the urge to protect ::

And finally, beneath these insightful words, a commemorative plaque had been affixed to the pedestal. It was dedicated to SexyBeast, the man who had dreamed of one day erecting the Statue of Bearderus to watch over Chicago. His dream had been realised.

The awed hush that had enveloped the crowd suddenly erupted as they saw the magnificent monument to their god. A thunderous cheer erupted from the crowd.

"BEARD-ER-US! BEARD-ER-US! BEARD-ER-US! BEARD-ER-US!"

Grin couldn't help himself, he joined in with the masses.

"BEARD-ER-US! BEARD-ER-US! BEARD-ER-US! BEARD-ER-US!"

The volume rose and rose, drowning out the hubbub of the city itself.

"BEARD-ER-US! BEARD-ER-US! BEARD-ER-US! BEARD-ER-US!"

It was deafening, inhumane, pure.

"BEARD-ER-US! BEARD-ER-US! BEARD-ER-US! BEARD-ER-US!"

Nothing else mattered. Nothing was important. Nothing except Bearderus.

"BEARD-ER-US! BEARD-ER-US! BEARD-ER-US! BEARD-ER-US!"

They knew that while the statue of the God overlooked Chicago, their success was ensured.

"BEARD-ER-US! BEARD-ER-US! BEARD-ER-US! BEARD-ER-US!"

Draw by the crowds, FattyFats walks upto the statue. without realising, he startgs chanting "BEARD-ER-US! BEARD-ER-US! BEARD-ER-US! BEARD-ER-US!" Turning to grin, he says:

What a wonderful site this is. What a monument to the great man. One day the followers of Beardism will come from around the world on a pilgramage just to touch this. Infact, I will go as far to state, here and now, that every able bodied Beardist who can afford it, must come at least once in their lifetime. It will demonstrate solidatary to fellow Beardists and highlight their submission to Bearderus. We could even arrange it so that all Beardists come once a year on their pilgramge, walking round the statue anti-clockwise, seven times and we can sacrfice animals and then have a party.

Also, two questions...

1. Who's job is to clean the bird shit?
2. When will the statue of Chuckle be going up?

Standing nearby, admiring Bearderus in all his Glory, Lola overhears the word 'party' and checks to see who's making the plans. Aha, she laughs to herself. I might've known he'd be one of the first to suggest a shindig!

I'd like to add a suggestion of my own. Instead of walking around the statue, we should dance. Nay! We should prance! Naked, while slapping slices of pizza about ourselves. I can send back home for some poteen, and we can all get drunk from the legs up. Splendid. It sounds almost ceremonial, I love it.

As for Chuckles...well. I have simply no idea when he's due to become erect.

Dominus screamed

"BEARD-ER-US! BEARD-ER-US! BEARD-ER-US! BEARD-ER-US!""BEARD-ER-US! BEARD-ER-US! BEARD-ER-US! BEARD-ER-US!""BEARD-ER-US! BEARD-ER-US! BEARD-ER-US! BEARD-ER-US!""BEARD-ER-US! BEARD-ER-US! BEARD-ER-US! BEARD-ER-US!""BEARD-ER-US! BEARD-ER-US! BEARD-ER-US! BEARD-ER-US!"

Unable to sustain a loud voice any longer, he asked his robot bitch IG-88 to echo his screams of the worshipping of the great Bearderus.

IG-88 stands before the memorial and scans it. After doing some quick advanced calculations, IG-88 determines that the data he had received was indeed accurate, and confirms the rumors that the Statue of Bearderus has in fact already earned more money for the city of Chicago than Bearderus himself ever did..

As the initial crowds departed from the obscene spectacle that had been thrust upon the city of Chicago EvilClown stepped out of the shadows and took in the monstrous sight himself.

"So its true..."He muttered to himself "the beard made up for the lack of manliness."

Taking out a camera from his pocket he subvertely took a few photographs nervously looking over his shoulder, then scribbled a few notes before slipping back into the shadows.

As soon as MajorTom phoned Demian informing him of the unveiling of the Statue of Bearderus, Demian immediately flew to Chicago to have his eyes feast on the magnificence of the masterpiece. Demian approached the Statue and looked at it carefully, reading the words on the pedestal. His eyes were full of tears as he looked at the statue which represented a man his father was sponsor of.

ManicStreetPreacher stands and stares at the statue.  When he thinks he has all he needs, he leaves...

_Thor_ had been watching the area for a a couple of hours now. He couldn't help but grin to himself. The statue itself wasn't the focus of his attention, but the buildings and surroundings that lay close by. The surrounding area and people around at which time were of great importance to him. In his head he had built up possible scenarios, it was just a waiting game now...

Sitting under a nearby tree Aizlynn looked up at the giant statue in awe. She picked up the drawing pad she had lying beside her and started sketching out the structure, smiling to herself as the picture began to form on the paper. She then stopped and looked back up at it before ripping the paper from the binding, crumpling it up and tossing it to the side. Aizlynn held her hand up in front of her, judging the proportions of it, before starting to draw again.

A few minutes pass by and she smiles at the finished piece of art. She folds the paper neatly and tucks it away in her bag before standing up and dusting the grass off that was clinging to her skirt. She gives a quick last look at the Statue of Bearderus, grinning with a twinkle in her eye, before walking away with a little skip in her step.

ThomasHarrow approaches The Statue Of Bearderus in awe, surrounded by a mass of humanity chanting his name. Finally, a man his ancestors worked so hard for to gain recognition, has finally been given his due. He begins to chant...

"BEARD-ER-US! BEARD-ER-US! BEARD-ER-US! BEARD-ER-US!"

"BEARD-ER-US! BEARD-ER-US! BEARD-ER-US! BEARD-ER-US!"

"BEARD-ER-US! BEARD-ER-US! BEARD-ER-US! BEARD-ER-US!"

Jonizzel is waiting in a coffee shop in Chicago nervously sipping away at his coffee when the payphone rings. He springs in to step before anyone could answer it and picks up the receiver. "Jonizzel here" he says, all he hears in return is "Go" and the phone clicks in to disconnect. Wiping the sweat from his brow he leaves the coffee shop and is immediately met with the piercing glare from the Statue of Beardus. He takes his back pack off and opens it, pulling out everything he would need to climb such a mammoth erection. Laughing to himself after what he just thought he gets to work.

It was a dark and windy night in Chicago that evening. One which could make Jonizzel's task all the more dangerous, putting that thought aside he waited for the area to go quiet and for the tourists to fuck off with their endless gawping at the statue. When the moment was right, he began to climb the statue. It took him a while, lots of stopping and starting as people below walked past. As time went on though they started to look like mere ants and he was confident he could carry out his task without being noticed.

After what seemed like endless and tiring graft of climbing the statue he finally reached the top. Setting himself up so as not to fall and to carry out his work with a steady hand Jonizzel took out a hammer and chisel and began to chip away at the statue. It was a daunting task that took patience and skill but also speed. Time was of the essence now he had reached the top. He knew that every bit of debris that he didn't catch would crash to the ground with a thud and cause people to look up at the statue. Sitting at 200ft above Chicago should give him some sort of stealth but not a lot. Once the majority of the chiselling had been done it would be obvious what was happening.

After a couple of hours manoeuvring around Beardus's face he had finally come to the last bit of his task. With one massive swing of the hammer it connects with the chisel and sends a massive rock of debris tumbling to the floor. "Shit" he muttered to himself "They're bound to hear that hit the ground". He can't look down though, he now needs to get off the statue as quickly as he can while trying to remain unseen. He notices a crowd start to gather at the front of the statue's feet just in front of the marble pedestal. He was to high up to see what they were doing but he could take a pretty damned accurate guess. Taking his chance he abseils down Beardus's back, before reaching the bottom he takes one more look to find that no body is about but he can hear the crowd at the front. Some crying out in horror and some cursing the bastard that could have done this. He hurriedly abseiled the rest of Beardus's back and inconspicuously made his way in to the crowd standing at the foot of the statue. Looking up he begins to smirk as he hears the remarks around him.

"Who the fuck would shave Beardus?" Some were saying.

"Where in gods name is his beard?" A woman said, choking back tears.

Unable to hold himself Jonizzel chuckles to himself "Aha The Statue of Beardless". Realising his mistake at saying it out loud he looks around making sure no one heard him. Not wanting to stick around to much longer he waves his hand in the air to hail a cab. Stepping in to the taxi he takes one last look up at the Statue Of Beardless then turns to the driver, "Airport please, make it snappy. Wouldn't want a close shave with the police." He laughs to himself as the taxi drives off in to the night.

EvilClown had booked himself into the Penthouse suite with the balcony that faced the monstrous statue. Weeks of planning was about to come to fruition as stage one of Operation Turkish Shave was to come to the fore.

The call had been made a little over 60 minutes ago, one of his most trusted cells had been given the task to send out a specific message.

A Pair of binoculars stuck to his painted face he watched and chuckled to himself as small fragments of stone were removed piece by meticulous piece culminating in the all mighty crash of the beard in its entirity.

"Ain't no way they're sticking that bastard back together."

He muttered to himself as it hit the floor and smashed into a thousand pieces. He saw his lone terrorist escape the baleful gaze of the already gathering mourning crowd. Smiling to himself he turned back inside his luxury suite, BoBo was already in the bath. This was a night his was going to enjoy.

ThomasHarrow looks up at The Statue Of Beardus and begins to snicker

"Good thing nothing happened to our beloved Statue Of Bearderus" he says to himself

Thomas heads over a few hundred feet and breaks out into boisterous chanting with the rest of the crowd gathered at the base of the epic Chicago landmark

Lola had watched the entire shambles unfold from the window of a nearby coffeeshop. The hilarity of it all very nearly caused her to soil herself - but it also inspired her inner artist.

When the crowds had dispersed, she went outside and deftly collected the debris from Beardus' butchered chops. She turned her head skyward to grin at The Statue of Bearderus, dissolving once more into inconsolable laughter. This had been quite the cock-up. Quite the cock-up indeed.

She placed the discarded chips of stone into a bag and headed back to HQ, stopping at her apartment along the way to collect an empty frame with shallow glass casing. Once she had arrived at base, she lifted down the Lost & Found box to retrieve the industrial glue that she knew Tip-Dean had been using to fashion accessories for his appendage.

After two hours of blood, sweat, tears and a splash of Catholic guilt at what her hands had created, she placed the frame against the wall and beamed at what she had achieved.

Pieced together with meticulous care (and close attention to detail), the frame now contained a phallus-shaped representation of that night's epic failure. Beneath, she had written the following:

The Inphallibility of The Mighty Bearderus:

On this night, a group of miscreants attempt to taint the honour of Chicago's pride and joy by de-bearding His Majesty, our Mighty Statue of Bearderus.

Despite a cunning display of athletic agility and considerable stone masonry, they failed. Bearderus remains untouchable, while his lesser brother, Beardus, is fresh as a daisy and no longer hovering in his brother's bearded shadow.

In this casing, the genuine stone chippings from Beardus' makeover represent a cock-up that transcends all time and space, forever and ever, Amen.

Lola picked up the frame, sauntered into the main foyer of HQ and hammered a couple of nails into the wall, before placing the frame and its beautiful contents for all to enjoy and admire.

*CAstro stands in amazement wondering who is this godly figure all are chanting for*

Hey can someone inform me about this amizing fellow?

Let us not forget... 

Bearderus' quotes are that of legend.

So much a legend that it was knocked into the Great Lakes to be forgotten.

This Falcon fella always seems to have an opinion on everything.