ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 𝕠𝕗 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕌ℕ𝔻𝔼ℝ𝕎𝕆ℝ𝕃𝔻

QUALITY, FACTUAL JOURNALISM. HOT SCOOPS.
A NEW HOPE; ANTITRUST ISSUES; HIGH-RANKED DEATHS???; PLUMBERS

Detroit • Saturday February 11th • Vol IIIIII, No. 1

Journalistic quote of the week:

The truth does not do as much good in the world, as the appearance of truth does evil

- François de la Rochefoucauld

FRONT PAGE: THE SUSPICIOUS DISAPPEARANCE OF HAROLD

HELLO LOYAL READERS. You might be wondering who I am, why I have such a bright twinkle in my eyes ready to take on the world, and why there is a fuzzy yet unsightly caterpillar wriggling across my forehead (of which I assure you it's just an unfortunate genetic mishap of nature and not a live animal).

To answer all your questions: I am the LEGAL HEIR of the ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 𝕠𝕗 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕌ℕ𝔻𝔼ℝ𝕎𝕆ℝ𝕃𝔻.

After the mysterious disappearance of my grandpapi about half a year ago (which we believe to have been the work of the enemies of The Free Press as detailed in The Harold Vol IIIII, No 1: What?) a long and drawn-out legal battle started to determine who actually owned the newspaper and brand that is recognised throughout The States. The reason there were so many claimants is because the ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 𝕠𝕗 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕌ℕ𝔻𝔼ℝ𝕎𝕆ℝ𝕃𝔻 is known to be a VERY PROFITABLE enterprise due to the generous tipping of its readers (which, by the way, we expect to continue).

Some of the many who tried to lay claim to the paper:

• Cyrax Cyraxx Cyraxxx, thinking of taking a shortcut to building his own successful newspaper brand. (RIP)
• Colonel_Ives/Chewbacca/their descendants, wanting to extinguish healthy competition in the sector.
• BerZerk, hoping to increase his notoriety in THE STREETS.
• RonaldCarabbia, plagiarising incompetent trying to steal our good name.
• kuku, unable to produce a notable newspaper of his own.

But in the end I came out victorious. I'll continue the work that my great-grandfather did, by my approximation for about 3 days before I am made a martyr by the enemies of The Free Press like my predecessors. Regardless, when I am gone, the "espirit de corps" of The Free Press and TRUTH TELLING JOURNALISTS shall live on.

THE STATE OF THE NEWSPAPER INDUSTRY: ANTITRUST ISSUES

It has come to our attention that @Cyrexx, highly successful newspaper tycoon, was violently done to death almost immediately after releasing his very first issue of THE CYRAXX TRIBUNE.

Given that I am also a highly successful newspaper tycoon this worries me greatly. It's a well known fact that the enemies of The Free Press are ruthless, in large numbers, and smell like lobster ravioli, but to have them strike within a single day of publication is alarming to say the least. Another attack on the noble institution of Mafia Journalism. Shameful.

Another prevailing theory, besides this being a simple hit to shut up THE FREE PRESS, is that it was actually Gillian who murdered Cyraxx in an attempt to eliminate competition for her own newspaper 'The Weekly Gazette'. Now at 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 we're not experts in legal matters, but we are fairly certain that murdering your competition might potentially be a breach of antitrust law.

We kindly request Gigantopithecus, public representative of "The Mafia Newspaper and Basketball Oversight Committee", to have a look into this matter to see if a second CLASS ACTION LAWSUIT could be launched against Gillian. 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 𝕠𝕗 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕌ℕ𝔻𝔼ℝ𝕎𝕆ℝ𝕃𝔻 would however like to state that it does not wish to be held liable for any incurred costs of said lawsuit. We're just an interested party.

A SUSPICIOUS NUMBER OF HIGH-RANKED DEATHS

THE FACTS AND FALLEN VICTIMS

Everyone who doesn't have mud in their eyes, or is otherwise simply too absorbed in reading the many adventures of TipToeTimmy, will have noticed that there's high-ranked people dying. A lot of them. Actually. They seem to die all around the six cities. Nobody knows how. Or why. Yet somehow all of them have a single bullet-hole entering from the back of their head, and exiting out the front. MOST SUSPICIOUS.

OUR LOYAL READERS, WE HAVE DONE THE DIGGING FOR YOU. NO LONGER WILL YOU HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT WHETHER YOU WILL HAVE A SOUND NIGHT'S SLEEP, OR WHETHER YOU WILL WAKE UP IN THE BACK OF A TRABBY BEING TOWED OFF TO YOUR FINAL DESTINATION ON EARTH.

First of all, out of respect for the dead whose memory we would not want to disgrace by not treating this subject with the respect it deserves, we shall name the fallen:

• Aislin
• Albino
• MrDiabolik
• Substance
• StephanieStClair
• ukuK

RIP in peace.

WHYDUNNIT?

Why would all these individuals suddenly die you might ask? The answer might shock you: THIS WAS A DELIBERATE EFFORT TO WEED OUT THOSE DEEMED DANGEROUS TO THE RULING CLASS. A PURGE.

Who would do this you might also ask? We've conducted several interviews with the descendants of the fallen and have gathered sufficient information to draw a well-informed conclusion of Journalistic Merit, one which we've had peer reviewed by several of the more educated members of our population.

I warn you, because the conclusion our Journalists reached might be considered shocking by many, and I am also sure that printing these facts will seal my fate and put me under.

WHODUNNIT?

Ask yourself who these circumstances remind you of and you will find the answer. To put it plainly, we believe that this was the work of the Disorder bloodline, who is currently hiding amongst the elite of society.

Aha you say "But Harold! You monobrowed FUCKING IDIOT, wasn't Substance of the Disorder bloodline?". Our answer is "no". You see, Substance was a clever ruse, a red herring planted in plain sight to distract you, the newspaper-less masses. He was not of Disorderly descent, the true heir of Disorder is still alive out there, pulling the strings while you all snooze, helpless without 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 to enlighten you.

Now, are you not happy that you have a newspaper to tell you of FACTUALLY VERIFIABLE news again? That you have us to interpret the confusing threads of information for you, to provide you with the answers that you were seeking all along?

Undoubtedly the answer is YES. So TIP US ACCORDINGLY. Ink and quality paper aint cheap, and neither is the lunch lady in my corporate cafeteria serving up gourmet lasagna.

SUSPICIOUS PLUMBERS LOOKING FOR WORK

As of late there's been a large number of gentlemen in ill-fitting overalls asking for work involving the unclogging of pipes, often unsolicited and out of the blue. We would advise everyone to NOT let these people in your establishments. We are told that these might be counterfeit plumbers with far more nefarious aims than what one would initially suspect. Instead of unclogging your sink, they will clog your hallway with dead Goombas. Do not trust them.

We have been graciously provided with an excerpt of communication with one of these unprofessional pipe demons by none other than Sylence, who we thank for their service to the general public by allowing us to publish this.

Note that these messages are laid out chronologically:

To: UncloggedPipes
From: Sylence
Sent: Feb 05, '24 21:27

No luck finding anyone to house a plumber such as yourself?

 

To: Sylence
From: UncloggedPipes
Sent: Feb 05, '24 21:28

It would seem like the pipes of the six cities are SQUEEKY CLEAN already.
I don't know who or what could be causing this, I'm being run out of business.

 

To: UncloggedPipes
From: Sylence
Sent: Feb 05, '24 21:29

humm
we could start purposely clogging pipes for your business for a price maybe

 

To: Sylence
From: UncloggedPipes
Sent: Feb 05, '24 22:02

My higher purpose is to see all pipes in the world unclogged. To purposely clog them, only for me to unclog them would be like a fireman setting fire to buildings just so that he can put them out again.
It aint right.

 

To: UncloggedPipes
From: Sylence
Sent: Feb 05, '24 22:04

Im a monster

As you can see the plumber will act all noble, pretending to care about unclogging pipes, but it's all fake. Hogwash. Poppycock.

We also want to urge Sylence to not start purposefully clogging pipes. Nobody likes clogged pipes.

This concludes this Issue of 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 !! Please Leave me Money and Tips (information)!!

19:13 <BillyBookcase> Hello! Is the newspaper still coming out this week?

19:23 <Gillian[MR]> Yep. Tomorrow actually

19:24 <Gillian[MR]> I was distracted with other stuff. And it has been dealt with

Gillian approaches SuspiciousFellow, pays for the newspaper, looks at it without reading and sighs.

"So you're Harold's kin and the one who was snooping around all along? Telling me you were a fan and were excited of sorts? And then you launch your newspaper, like a vulture i always thought you was." She says "If you want so much to disrupt my plans, or if Kuku's kin, Cyraxx, want so much to harass me and bring me down, here's something for you: you won't. The Weekly Gazette always got way more tips than your newspaper and it has been voted by popular demand." She composes herself and continues. "As said before, The Weekly Gazette will be out tomorrow, i've been working hard on it all week, even thought i've been harassed, pursued, humiliated. I shall continue my work, and as usual, it will be realistic and humorous, different than yours. I feel sorry for your poor attempts of deceit. Grow the fuck up." She throws the newspaper into the trash and walks away.

Listen Gillian I don't ALLEGEDLY violently take out my competition in the prestigious field of Mafia Journalism. I WELCOME competition in the battlefield of paper and ink WITH OPEN ARMS. There's no Journalistic Jihad active at this point in time. Settle down ok.

I would also like to thank the GENEROUS TIPSTER, who wishes to remain anonymous. We will use this money wisely to promote our cause for FACTUALY VERIFIABLE NEWS and increase the vegetarian offerings in our company cafeteria.

I think it was highly presumptive for this journalist to speculate that Gillian had anything to do with the death of Cyraxx. I warned Cyraxx well before he released his first issue that The Mafia Newspaper and Basketball Oversight Committee had certain protocol that had to be followed if he wished to start up his own paper. Not only did he refuse to comply, he openly mocked the process and the Committee, itself.

Where is he now?

Dead.

Shortly thereafter, SuspiciousFellow released a new issue of The Harold without following the mandated protocol.

Where is he now?

Dead.

Do you really think it is Gillian behind these deaths? Or is it something far more sinister?

I HAVE TWO QUESTIONS.

Gigantopithecus if you weren't a well respected "Tier 65" Don I would have some very harsh words right now. I might even have emotionally screamed at you for claiming that my father didn't have the correct permits, potentially even calling you an incompetent clown and an embarrassment to "The Mafia Newspaper and Basketball Oversight Committee". I might also have said that people should call you 'Vinny "The Triple Chin" Gigantopithecus' because you are extremely CORPULENT, and that I hope a poodle shits on your doorstep.

But you are a man of DISTINGUISHED RANK so I'll hold my tongue for now.

Thank you for noticing how impressive I am, Harold. Others should be more like you, with the exception of being more detail-oriented when it comes to following the permitting process. I don't make the rules and I don't enforce them. All I do is laugh when people are shot. Let us not forget The Reaper Daily fiasco, where one groundbreaking new journalist thought he could side-step the unwritten rules of decency and civility. His provocative rhetoric started a massacre which affected every mobster in every city, whether they were tied to the journalism trade or not.

Look around you, Harold. See what we have built? Would you like to see it destroyed just because you cannot follow a simple application process? 

Most of us would say "lol not me matey", but you seem apathetic to the state of the world and, I'll just say it, to the journalism trade as a whole. Please try to do better.

Look around you, Harold. See what we have built? Would you like to see it destroyed just because you cannot follow a simple application process? 

What WE have built? EXCUSE ME? Where was "The Mafia Newspaper and Basketball Oversight Committee" in all of this, Gigantopithecus???
Were they responsible for the launch of 6 newspapers in such a short span of time? NO.
Were they responsible for the murder of some very bright Journalists? Allegedly YES.
Have they been delaying the release of Gillian's "The Weekly Gazette" due to an insanely long bureaucratic approval and editing process? YES AGAIN.

The more I hear about this new committee, the more I am convinced that it's a blight upon the world. Enslavement to a slow-moving democratic organisation of this size subsumes the power and spirit of self, it prevents the brightest among us to reach their full potential. It keeps down giants, breeds mediocrity/complacency, and sucks any and all enthusiasm out of the prime movers of our world.

For another example, one has to look no further than the "Cyraxxx Nation". Before the takeover by Transistor they were a quick moving source of innovation and policy under the excellent stewardship of Cyraxx, now they're a bureaucratic body so caught up in their votes and reaching unanimous consensus, that they can't even decide who to admit to their elite society anymore (I've heard there's A LONG QUEUE), let alone answer questions from the press without there being a lead-time of about 3 months (by current estimations, which we all know are wont to change). What a DISASTER and another example of why these committees SUCK.

If your committee wasn't around, we would've had a newspaper from jason_profitt by now, but he is smart enough to recognise that with the way things currently are it's simply too much hassle. Without this committee, would we perhaps have had as much as 20 newly launched newspapers by now? I don't know, but I my instincts tell me we probably would.

I, for one, will stop paying my 75% tipping taxes to them and I encourage other newspaper editors to do the same.

SaddleFlashing, CYRAXXX, TommyVitale, I make an appeal to your rational minds. Do not let this angry screeching gorilla in the form of "The Mafia Newspaper and Basketball Oversight Committee" keep you down and steal the lobster ravioli off your plate.

Join my collective of individualists.

Thank you.

In my short time in the newspaper business, I've managed to do what half of my competitors couldn't do and stay alive to celebrate the 24 hour anniversary of my first publication. You might think that surviving one day is nothing to brag about, but in the harsh and dangerous world of Mafia Journalism, where you're only one irregular piece of lobster ravioli away from choking to death before receiving $1,660,000 in tips for services soon to be (maybe) rendered, you would be wrong.

As the most senior newsman still standing, I hear the words of Gigantopithecus with nearly as much dismay as I do in trying to pronounce his name. The fact that the deaths of CaymenIslandsBanker, Cyrax, Cyraxx and SuspiciousFellow may have been wrongfully linked to the Gillian retainer is terrible but to tell me to try to do better when I clearly referenced the fact that I had paid my $3,500,000 dues to The Mafia Newspaper and Basketball Oversight Committee to remain a member in good standing prior to publication is outrageous. I don't need that kind of heat. 

Harold, I am not sure what your intentions are for this life and maybe you've got a good thing going with your donated press pass and Grove Street sponsorship, but as the most senior newsman still standing, I would suggest you maybe have a rethink if were thinking about doing this full time. It is tough to juggle a life in the mob and editing a newspaper, it might lead you to promise your publication would be coming tomorrow (yesterday) when it is in fact still nowhere to be seen. Deadlines are important. This is something I've managed to master in 24 hours and The Newsflash is currently only $2,550,135 in the hole, which after our startup expenses and subs is pretty good going. We might even start to acquire some of these other publications and become the first Mafia Media conglomerate once we're in the black. We'll see. For now though, please keep the names of serious Mafia Journalists like myself and TommyVitale out of your mouth. If you didn't even know that you would have to pay your dues to The Mafia Newspaper and Basketball Oversight Committee, I don't really want to be associated with you.