I've been asked to do a little somethin'-somethin' for one of our almighty publications - and that something is a feature on our fine selves, the women of the mafia.

I'll be approaching those within the upper structures to see if they'd like their moment in the spotlight, but if anyone else would like to get their tuppence worth in, just give me a tinkle. I can be contacted via Mobmail or indeed found at any location where the odour of burning bras permeates the air and all that chauvinists hold sacred.

The deadline for this glittering testimony to the fairer sex is Thursday night, so get in there quick if you want your name in print!

"If I put on a wig can I qualify?"

I'm sorry love, I can't hear you from in here - open the kitchen door please!

Creep, as long as you can tuck it firmly away and shove a couple of chicken fillets down your top, I'll do my best.

Sprozz, you silly silly boy. Stop by someday this week and I'll syringe those ears for you. If you're especially good, I might even make you a sandwich.

Tinkle?

Yes Nana. A ding-dong, a ringadingding, a nice big slap of the thigh and a 'What's the craic? Givvus a bit of that action, will you?'... A tinkle :)

Lola, dear  what a service to womankind you are doing.  i certainly look forward to this little endeavor.

Hi. I'd like to participate :)

Duly noted Whippie :) I'll be in touch with you!

And Jam, there is simply no limit to my talents.

ThomasHarrow

mafiareturns ugliest woman ever

i nominate him!

Oh Hawk.

Sorry about that. You're quite mistaken - that isn't ThomasHarrow. I'm afraid I bear a striking resemblance to my colleague for approximately one week out of each month, give or take. Absolutely nothing I can do about it, especially now that sightings are regularly reported to PizzaTheHut. Its public knowledge. I embrace it.

Quagmire stands on the street corner,hands in pocket whistling

Lola rushes over to Quagmire and hands him a package.

Here. Show this to nobody. Its a prosthetic doll, complete with every orifice you could require. I advise rinsing it out after use though, especially if you have an acidic diet.

Giggety giggety nice one Lola!!

Quagmire runs off into the night

Slab approaches Lola, and falls flat on his face. Regaining his balance, and wiping mud from his beard, he totters towards Lola

"Some nice guys in New York bought me these rather fabulous strappy heels. I highly recommend bullying them into buying you similar. Are you planning on starting some kind of feminist movement? Most of the lady mobsters in these parts are vicious bitches. My old man got shot by one, I wouldn't trust them!

Slab turns green with envy as he watches Quagmire fleeing into the night clutching a Dunlop Rubber Delaney - The World's Most Angry Sex Doll

Slab, firstly, I can get you one of those dolls, y'know. I endorse them. In fact, its a little sideline I've got going on.

The heels are fabulous indeed, but I must admit that despite all my womanly grace, I fear my maker never intended for me to wear them, nor does gravity allow it. I'm a dab hand at using them to stab, though. Even for fishing.

As for the feminism thing...no. Not for me. I love burning bras, but that's only because the ladies get a little cramped, I chaff and well...it all gets too much.

Sometimes when I tuck my balls between my legs, I look like an ugly woman.

Thus, Hawk is only partially correct.

I believe the term is 'fugly munter', and I've warned you about the effects of tucking, Thomas.

Slab withdraws two business cards from a small silver case and passes them to Lola

"Here, one each to these ladies that you speak of. I would be very much interested in assisting them in their bid for freedom. On the subject of the purchase of an Angry Lola, I've recently come into some money from a bent copper I have the pleasure of knowing. I would very much like to order two. Please have one shipped directly to Monet in Chicago. Hopefully the old bastard'll have a heart attack."

Slab tosses a tightly-bundled roll of dollar-bills expertly in the air, and watches with satisfaction as they sail neatly between the bosom of Lola

I beleive Thomas, when you tuck your balls into your legs, you call it a 'ManGiner'. Great for making idiots out of guys on Chat Roulette.

Funtcase shudders and stops. He pulls a small mirror from his back pocket and inspects his face. He then runs to the nearest pharmacy to get an urgent jab for his OOCitus.