There was a coronation on another Street corner, crowning @Joseph_Ligambi as the new "Leader of The Streets". Whilst I am definitely open to the possibility of a new LoTS coming forward to take us away from the dark days of the @Kuku reign, I, and I'm sure many others, unfortunately feel that more work needs to be done before he can be officially dethroned. 

In my opinion, starting 6 discussions and walking away from them does not make a Leader of The Streets. The number 1 ranking is only indicative of volume, not quality. There are times when the number 1 can also be the LoTS but they can also be mutually exclusive. One is automatic and the other is a title which must be bestowed. I expect my LoTS to above all else create interaction and we've seen nothing to suggest Ligambi is capable of doing that. He couldn't even keep his HQ doors open for 5 minutes and now we are talking about giving him the keys to the Streets? How long before he makes a mistake and accidentally drops them down the drain? 

There are also the other factors to consider. Does he even want the position? What is he going to do differently? Who else is backing him? Exactly how is he working for the people? 

Kuku is far from the ideal choice, but the facts speak for themselves; he draws attention and he creates interaction. We all know how difficult it is to get people to attend your speeches, it takes a certain pizzazz which some people and their frog gimmicks are unfortunately lacking. So instead, I feel that we need to settle this LoTS discussion in the true spirit of the position - a street debate.

I invite both Kuku and Joseph_Ligambi to attend to answer questions on the merits of their being recognised as Leader of The Streets. The person who successfully demonstrates they are the true LoTS will be awarded the title at the end of the debate. 

I have three opening questions:

1) What does being Leader of The Streets mean to you?

2) Why should you be Leader of The Streets?

3) What are you going to do as Leader of The Streets? 

Gentlemen, your answers please.  

TommyTheTrumpet, could I first of all ask if you think LongLeggedLarry has learned a single thing from the chronic ineptitude of his father?

That is certainly not for me to comment upon. I'm only interested in seeing the Leader of The Streets matter settled. Personally, I would love for someone to take the honour away from you. I find you to be a deplorable rodent. However, we are family so I'll keep my thoughts to myself and in the purpose of keeping this debate objective, I won't say anymore about how strong my dislike for you is.

To the matter at hand, answers please, unless you're conceding your position as LoTS?

1) Absolutely nothing, its just what the people want

2) Because why not

3) See above answer to #1

Ligambi was old and feeble, still on the search for his missing HQ keys. ( Have you seen them?) He didn't have the free time that the previous leader of the streets had. He would not be as devoted. At last though, the rankings spoke for themselves and with them the leader of the streets Uncle Joe still graciously accepted the whimsical bullshit title that he never cared for. It was just his duty to accept the facts. 

Thank you for answering the questions rather than trying to start some asinine bullshit, Joe. Already takes the lead in my book. I would have preferred if you had spoken a little more glowingly about how important you feel the mantle is, but I'll take your answers at face value.

Kuku, do you have anything to say which won't be annoying? 

What does being LOTS mean to me?

Honestly?  It's a burden.  It's a constant reminder that, try as I might, I have not been able to propel any of my fellow street speakers into LOTS material.  For every young buck with a bit of talent, say Rufus, there's a walking catastrophe like Transistor who almost seemed fanatical about ensuring literally nobody spent more than a few seconds laughing at his hideous muggy features before studiously ignoring him.  His relentless failures were MY failures as LOTS.  The poor scumbag was reduced to trying to glom fame off of my name by inventing some half-assed nonsense about an $80m debt.  The poor guy didn't even realise that the very concept of an $80m debt was a comedic instrument used to demonstrate to wider society that the pursurer of said $80m was a dunce of the highest order.

Why should I be LOTS

Simply put, because I have a talent so raw and culturally enriching that it would be a literal crime to waste it.  Ligambi is a good man.   A little known fact about Ligambi is that he funded the first Kuku writing competition - a man named Stuttering_Gabe won top prize.  More importantly, nobody died.  So it's not like Ligambi shouldn't be LOTS - he'd do well.  It's just that he, and everybody else in the entire world, lacks the volume of charisma that I have.  If we stop to think of the number of individuals in this thing of ours who literally never visit the streets to do anything other than act out to get my attention, or try to argue with me - there are an awful lot of them.  Without me leading the streets, they'd probably lose all meaning in their life and disappear.  Take LongLeggedLarry for example - this wretched little man gave a speech celebrating the fact that someone other than me may be leading the streets.  Not that *he* was - he's got zero talent in that respect, but he tried to break his humiliating familial run of street disasters by trying to jump on the anti-Kuku wagon.  How original....

What am I going to do as Leader of the Streets?

More competitions!  More speeches!  More meaning to the lives of the wretched and forgotten and ignored.

I'll keep up with innovative ideas like my daily updates, and I'll finance newspapers.  I'll continue to fight the good fight for the right to call people Son, and I'll be as funny, original, and charasmatic as I always have.

I'll reign it i when Curtis tells me to, and crank it up when I get overly excited, usually leading to a predictable death.

YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHIN' YET!  Just occured to me, that's the feeling everyone got after attending one of Transistor's speeches! Hahaha, only joking.  Nobody ever attended them.

I once met Kuku, really by accident, some long time ago. He looked at me and said, "You know what you look like to me, with your good bag and your cheap shoes? You look like a rube, Hugo. A well-scrubbed, hustling rube with a little taste... Good nutrition has given you some length of bone, but you're not more than one generation from poor white trash, are you, Big H?"

I said, "Kuku, please! We've barely even met!"

And he said, "That accent you're trying so desperately to shed - pure West Virginia. What was your father, H-Man? Was he a coal miner? Did he stink of the lamp...? And oh, how quickly the goombas found you! All those tedious, sticky muggings in the back seats of cars, while you could only dream of getting out. Getting anywhere. Getting all the way - to the M..A..F..I..A..."

And then he wiggled his tongue around like a snake and went tststststs. 

That is the man I want to lead my streets. One with a distaste for the people on it, and not the position itself. 

Thank you, Kuku, for your answers to the questions I posed.

Hugo, the tale of your interaction with Kuku was both enlightening and pitiable. Thank you for sharing. 

It seems that if Joseph_Ligambi is crowned LoTS he is going to do nothing because he doesn't care about it. More talking to nobody and leaving straight after. And if Kuku retains his crown, he's going to provide more competitions which never finish, more updates about the (lack of) things he's up to and potentially but probably not providing any finance towards any innovate ideas.

We have a choice between nothing or more Kuku. A man who can't open a HQ or a man who can't make it past Wise Guy.

I'm going to open up the floor to see if we can tease out a winner.

LongLeggedLarry, RufusWatchdog, you've both been strongly opposed to Kuku's regin of terror as LoTS and have been quick to endorse Ligambi as his successor. Why does your man deserve to depose the de facto Street ruler?

Willie_G_Skull, you were the kingmaker here setting the heavy crown atop Kuku's head and placing tremendous strain on his turkey neck. What are your thoughts on who should be the Leader of The Streets? 

Please nobody spare any details about why it shouldn't be Kuku.

Kuku delenda est

TommyTheTrumpet, could I first of all ask if you think LongLeggedLarry has learned a single thing from the chronic ineptitude of his father?

By ineptitude you mean the level success and adoration your family line will never know?

LongLeggedLarry, RufusWatchdog, you've both been strongly opposed to Kuku's regin of terror as LoTS and have been quick to endorse Ligambi as his successor. Why does your man deserve to depose the de facto Street ruler?

 Statistically, Ligambi is the leader of the streets. I don't make the rules.

Rufus, your assertion that Joe is a "tremendous being" is certainly in his favour. I don't think you'll find anyone prepared to make such a claim about Kuku that is for fucking sure and don't get me started on the annoying things from him. 

Larry, statistically he is the #1 VIP at the present time, which has little bearing on being the Leader of the Streets. Why are you conflating the two things? Any Tom, Dick or Joe can get to the #1 VIP position; shout 6 times in the Street, drop your HQ keys down a well and walking off without interacting with anyone and bam, #1. That demonstrates nothing. The LOTS must do more than that, surely. 

If we wanted a leader of MATH CAMP we could go to the statistics. But we want a leader of THE STREETS, where stats are for suckers and the living is easy. 

The last time I killed a Kuku, I'd been chasing him for weeks through the city. I was tired. I was losing my mind, my sense of self. I stood over his injured body, and he looked up at me with proud but sorrowful eyes, and he said, "I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. D0m3n1c's warehouses on fire off the shoulder of Lake Michigan. I watched No Name C's dribble in the dark over the Weekly Gazette. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Time to die."

At his funeral, RufusWatchdog mentioned how sad his brain was. I couldn't help but agree. 

This last endorsement from Rufus was all I needed to make my decision. If he's willing to put his name behind Uncle Joe then surely he must be the right choice. 

I can hardly find a reason to listen to the candidates. Just listen to Rufus's words of wisdoms and cast your vote for the right choice, Gillian, Uncle Joe. 

MicroManlet I have a business opportunity for someone of your stature. If you're interested send me a telegram so we can discuss your future. 

I would like to warn those of a similar disposition as me that Ginger does not offer any worthwhile work and is instead in cahoots with the Kuku, disgrace of the streets.

It doesn't get any more transparent than this, folks. You people and your schemes disguised as Competitions make me sick and I am fucking tired of it.

In cahoots to do what? I can't wait to hear about the master plan that Ginger apparently has yet to pull off in his 225 plus days of serving his family. I'll bet it involves goats. Does it involve goats?

I had hoped to keep this under wraps for a few more days, but it seems that MicroManlet's micro man brain had a micro malfunction during our last conversation. 

I have been working, in secret, with the Competition Commission putting together the 13th Annual Competition Commission Convention. As many of you know the ACCC normally takes place each year at the beginning of July, due to scheduling conflicts we have decided to move the Convention up and it will take place in June. 

Now, for the complaint at hand. MicroManlet was offered a job to work the ACCC. When he heard the offer, he immediately began foaming and frothing at the mouth. We were quite taken aback, until he managed to force the word "Kuku" from his spittle covered lips. He then fell to the ground, convulsing uttering "Kuku did it" over and over. It's possible he may have soiled himself as well. 

Despite my best efforts to calm him, after his "episode" was finished he sprinted from my office back to the streets. Luckily I was able to find you all by following the smell and am able to dispel any rumors that I am in "cahoots" with Kuku. I feel the need to reiterate my previous statement that, "I can hardly find a reason to listen to the candidates. Just listen to Rufus's words of wisdoms and cast your vote for the right choice, Gillian, Uncle Joe." 

So, anyway. Here I am. Thanks to MicroManlet for ruining the surprise, but it is with much joy and fanfare to announce to one and all that the 13th Annual Competition Commission Convention is coming soon! Be on the lookout for further information on how to attend. 

I first encountered the Kuku line following a brisk walk through New York’s city centre, culminating in a slow stroll up Wall Street. An overpowering stench suddenly permeated the evening air. It was a foul, sour smell - the kind that felt like it left a thin acidic, yet greasy film coating the nostrils. I wasn’t sure where it came from initially, but upon inspection I noticed what appeared to be a pile of torn, tatty, soiled and stained clothes peeking out from behind a dumpster wearing a name tag with “Bundy” on. It turned out I was being tailed by a heavy footed alcoholic who had allegedly somehow stumbled into a position of power in Las Vegas. An objectionable ale swilling drunk with an odour so powerful that it caused a violent, visceral reaction - causing me to immediately regurgitate a recently consumed succulent chicken dinner that I’d paid 2 whole dollars for. If I wasn’t incapacitated by nausea I’d have taken pity on the gentleman who possessed all of the allure of stale tramp urine. Fortunately for me, however, it was at this point the Kuku line proffered a handkerchief, which had a very pleasant, light scent of rose water; just strong enough to mask the hideous stench caused by the offending pile of piss stained apparel. I wasn’t even sure if it was to wipe the chunks from my chin or to save my nostrils from the olfactory assault. Like a superhero and before I could even return the handkerchief, Kuku slunk into the darkness of the night to address a crowded corner of adoring fans without expecting so much as a thank you from me. Well dressed and clearly a man of the people he left a lasting impression on me that day. It may not have been much, but it’s certainly enough for me to support Kuku as LoTS. A selfless gentleman with a pure heart. I would consider it an outrage for him to be overlooked for this honour.

Kuku for LoTS.

Uncle Joe was a humble man. He listened to the many different opinions and took them all in. Joe had only recently taken to the streets to share his exploits as he waited for the local locksmith to recreate his missing HQ keys. His misunderstood closed off ramblings, as Trumpet would call them, were simply just that of an elder states man sharing his business dealings, showcasing who he was.

Uncle Joe had accomplished so much in his short time back that he focused on his street presence, something he admittedly lacked over the years. As Kuku himself stated, Ligambi was a good man, a man that cared for the streets long before many of you even wondered them. Uncle Joe saw something in Kuku many years ago and did indeed fund Kuku's first ever writing competition, which if his memory served him correctly was indeed a hit. The young charismatic Kuku was still fresh then and his new flashy ways were captivating to many. Uncle Joe was simply thrusted into this position recently and was amazed by the different views, few of which he actually respected.

Uncle Joe came from a time where there wasn't an individual voice for the masses of the streets. A time when business and daily life was discussed by many. The streets were a thriving place of business and intrigue then, and could be again. Is Uncle Joe the one to lead them back to grace, maybe, maybe not. Maybe they haven't fallen as far as some thought, as seen with the recent explosion of activity. Maybe all it took was two old timers to reignite great debates. Uncle Joe could ramble on forever over these topics, he was a good rambler, not the best but good none the less. Uncle Joe did not believe in mantles or self-proclaimed titles though. Uncle Joe simply felt as if the streets were for everyone and needed no real leadership.

I served with a member of Kuku's family in the Mafia Navy. Feels like forever ago now. I remember one time out by the island of Manhattan. We'd just delivered a wacking. The big wacking. Detroit submarine slammed two torpedoes into our side. Vessel went down in about 12 minutes. 

Didn't see the first goomba for about a half hour. Sicilian. 5 footer. You know how you know in that water, chief? You can tell by lookin' from the fedora to the alligator shoes. Very first light, chief, goombas come cruisin' by, so we formed ourselves into tight groups. The idea was the goomba comes to the nearest man, that man he starts poundin' and hollerin' and sometimes the goomba go away. But sometimes he wouldn't go away. Sometimes he says, 'Va fangool!' and gives you a good one. 

Sometimes that goomba looks right at you. Right into your eyes. And the thing about a goomba is he's got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya, he doesn't even seem to be livin', 'til he bites ya, like a cannoli, and those black eyes roll over white. 

Eleven hundred men went into the water that day. 316 came out, the goombas took the rest. Ate 'em up like pasta fasul.