Today I have lifted my mighty hand and slain LilPeep where he stood, mouth-breathing heavily, cheek pressed tightly against a pastry shop window. My loyal friend, TommyTheTrumpet, then lifted his gun to me and shot 3 inches above my head, as is tradition, thus guaranteeing me safe passage from Peep's vengeful mob, and giving me a little time for a Q & A. 

Q & A

Q: Why did you shoot LilPeep?

A: I did not shoot LilPeep specifically because he was LilPeep. I shot LilPeep because of what he represents. I have no problem with purging. It is one of the only viable tactics to staying on top for extended periods of time. It's fine. It should be up to the rest of us to negotiate a reasonable response. This regime has ruthlessness in spades, and I'm ok with that. I shot LilPeep for what they lack: style.

Q: How do they lack style?

A: If you are going to ruthlessly purge the unwashed plebs, which again Godspeed, you know, you've got to have a little razzle dazzle. Tell a joke every once in a while. Be a bit likeable. Don't be so boring. Don't be so dry. And these insane nerds are absolutely desiccated. 

Here's an example from Spike, one of the head honchos:

It could've gone like this between Chromatik and Shoresy: 

"ayyyo yo yo boss man Shoresy I heard this thing from this NY balla that was like ayyyo we might need to attack the West coast yo. he was all like eyyy I think we should do this thing if this thing happens but like there's gonna be war and we're probably gonna have to attack this and that pew pew bang bang. West Coast gon kill our asses if we dont get the bullets flyin first yo. gangbanga playa play DangerClose got mad danger mad close and the gats may come knocking. We gotta get the homies together with theys nines and bats. East vs West playa. that cool with you boss man? We straight?"

.... then boss man Shoresy would've been like "yo nah we all good with the West homies. Tyki Harison KW are fam, fam. chill chillen no worries. we gots this on lock yo. ain't no beef there deadass."

Jesus fucking Christ. The second-hand embarrassment is crippling. This guy avoids melanin like the Chernobyl exclusion zone. This lack of self-awareness is exactly why he is so incredibly uncool. And being cool is everything.

Look at me, for example.

I'm gorgeous. Biceps like I'm smuggling melons. Thighs so large I could crush a motorcycle between them. Speedo so tight you can see the hairs on my balls. Wit. Charm. Pearly white teeth. I am the anti-DangerClose. 

And then turn your eyes to LarryLongLegs. Transistor and his entire district were slaughtered weeks ago for not being part of the inner circle. What did Larry do? He signed right back up to the team. Insane behavior. You are the worst of us, Larry.

These people took a man like Cyrax, leader of his own Cyrax Nation, and scoffed at him like a joke. But look at them. Barely a full head of hair between them, while mine luxuriates like a fabulous reef. Cyrax Nation could've taught these men a thing or two. Cyrax could've made things right.

So today I killed LilPeep for Cyrax. 

RIP sweet prince. 

Anti-DangerClose = Kuku

BerZerk, I'm going to have to ask you to consider what you have to say for more than 1 to 2 seconds before you speak again

i thought the whole cyrax nation was taken out

and replaced?

so cyrax doesnt exist

I was intrigued with the Hugo project and thought it represented an interesting proposition. On the one hand, there is a distinct possibility of death. That's ok, we live in a crazy industry which has an unfortunately high mortality rate. The question really was then was not "will I die?" but "after I die will anyone thank me for my contribution to the city?" and I knew the answer to that. Las Vegas and Chicago were notorious for this eulogy. A shot in the face and a thank you to your friends and family. The cowards 1-2 combo. I don't think that'll be the case with Hugo. His arms suggest to me that he can at least lift a four pinter of semi skimmed, which places him above 95% of the competition. I find it hard to believe anyone with that modicum of strength would be such a lamelord in a funeral home. I'm in. 

zDiamonDz, I'm going to offer you the same advice as BerZerk but let's up that to at least several minutes of thought before you come charging out full of mental gymnastics again

hahahahaha as fun as it would be, i dont feel like i am invite

also i dont feel welcome 

plus you didnt answer my question?

A further feather in the Hugo cap:

Top Las Vegas Posters
#1 Hugo
#2 Sprite
#3 Hfjjcd
#4 __________I_________
#5 Al-Bundy

This gang of funeral praisers could barely muster together a 5-aside team. One speech and our man tops the table. Embarrassing really. 

On the other hand, since I didn't mention what that was before, zDiamonDz this impression you're doing of RufusWatchdog is absolutely spot on. Bravo. 

As a Las Vegas crewleader and top Street boy, let me also add that we would like to thank LilPeep for his contributions to LV. 

Now you're just a Top Street boy. 

I'll show you real street. You ain't got nothing on my cred. Shot up the whole block brak brak brak check it, your crew's all in red. 

This is what happens when there is inadequate street leadership.

H-E-R-O is the next to fall. I had nothing against him. But I couldn't have another hero running around. Not while Heroic Hugo is afoot. 

I demand a parley with the Leader of the Streets. 

Where is Joseph_Ligambi? Where is the Leader of the Streets when they need him most? Quark, do you have anything intelligent to say?

Luis stepped forward from the shadows, clearing his throat as he did so and speaking loud to everyone gathered.

"Nice shot. Congratulations at being the Lil Peep slayer. You've garnered yourself quite the accomplishment. Except I'm still quite confused. You shot him over purging the masses yet gave examples of your own previous crew leader doing such things.. how many people died from Lil Peeps crew from said purging?

Oh your talking about our old dear friend Mr Intimidating.. he was purged right? Sadly your "mouth breathing" mind can only comprehend a small portion of what goes on in this world.

Your friend Mr Intimidating wasn't purged. He was shot because he decided he wanted to speak out on matters that he knows very well we're going to be the reasons of his death, infact he even spoke about it in the streets shortly before his death. I'm not sure how that constitutes as purging but If that's all your peanut sized brain could gather from him being shot, I can see why your kin does nothing more round here other than look like a complete jackass. 

Anyways, that's all I have to say about that. Way to go Hugo you really changed the aspect of things around here by shooting LilPeep. Watch as the purging magically stops"

Luis shook his head and took a drag off the cigarette burning away in his hand before tossing it to the ground and leaving.

Except I'm still quite confused. You shot him over purging the masses yet gave examples of your own previous crew leader doing such things

Luis, you must be very confused because I specifically explained within my first few sentences that he was not shot over purging. Are you OK? 

In fact, here it is, plain as day:

I shot LilPeep for what they lack: style.

Luis_Patangeli, when you were a small child, were you ever taught the key three things to do at a stopwalk?

They were:

1. Stop

2. Look

3. Listen

I would approach street speeches in much the same manner, if only to avoid barreling into one to base your entire reply around a completely wrong assumption. It makes you look foolish. You could get hit by a car. 

"Since your peanut sized brain forgot about half the thread here's the rest."

How do they lack style?

 

A: If you are going to ruthlessly purge the unwashed plebs, which again Godspeed, you know, you've got to have a little razzle dazzle. Tell a joke every once in a while. Be a bit likeable. Don't be so boring. Don't be so dry. And these insane nerds are absolutely desiccated.

"Again tell me how you didn't shoot me for purging but shot me for purging... Mouth breathing at its finest I might say"

You just quoted something that doesn't support your point at all. In fact, the point of the sentence you quoted explains what I am saying almost entirely, and features encouragement to continue purging, just in a cooler, more Hugo-esque manner. Do you need to lie down? 

Apparently not being stylish while purging the masses. Not sure what I'm missing your your brain is failing to comprehend

You got it. You said it right there. LilPeep wasn't killed for purging, he was killed because he was deeply uncool. You could say he was lame. A cornball. A doofus. That his contributions to society were mostly non-existent or boring. He lacked STYLE. And this all connects back to a war-time LoTS who made a living off peacetime boredom and is now nowhere to be found. What do you have to say about that, Patangeli? What is your Myers-Briggs personality type?