Following the recent death of JoeBonnano (who Joseph-Ligambi drowned in a tidal wave of tears upon being told he’s a joke and his legacy is in tatters), Uncle Joke asked me to run a poll about the strength of feeling towards him, utilising my past experience as a market research consultant.

I have advised him that it would be unwise to run polling such as that, because most people with any common sense view him as selfish, egotistical and incompetent. Sadly, he was insistent that we perform some market research into the feeling towards both Uncle Joke and the larger Ligambi family.

In response, I have set up a poll in order to gauge the general public feeling towards the CEO of Incompetent Inc. aka Joke Ligambi and the greater Ligambi syndicate. Please enter one of our patented secrecy booths, where you will find a survey. We would ask you to complete the survey honestly - all replies will remain strictly anonymous. A summary of findings will be made public, once market research closes.

SURVEY QUESTIONNAIRE

As Jimmy was walking down the street, some newspaper sellers were gathering around a mad man shouting about Jimmy’s Boss, Joseph Ligambi. Jimmy’s curiosity got the better of him, and he knew he had ten minutes to spare before his massage and happy ending, so he swaggered over. 
 

“I have no interest in Joseph Ligambi” the mysterious person was saying, “nor did my father, or his farther and his farther before him whom all killed themselves and blamed Joe in their suicide letters. 
 

Jimmy was so intrigued and in wonder at what this person was saying, he decided his rub and tug could wait. 
 

“like I said, me or my ancestors have no interest in Joseph Ligambi whatsoever. Do you all understand, I don’t care about him. ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME??? I DONT CARE. I know I keep saying it, and it’s all I’m talking about, but I have no irrational obsession with him, honestly. Now, fill out my totally unrelated questionnaire about Joe, whom I still don’t care about. 
 

wow Jimmy thought, Joe is really living in this guys head rent free. Wish I was there also. 

Ah Jimmy, your words are so witty and cutting. Probably best if you keep your appointment with Joe and his overly familiar massage technique instead of projecting fabricated scenarios about living in a world populated entirely by a dude you fantasise about. Weird.

Insofar as updates go, I’d like to thank all respondents so far. I shall compile the results - including JimmyTheWeirdo’s fantasy adventure with Uncle Joe as soon as possible, and revert with some excerpts from the comments section. For those wanting a sneak preview, here are the initial numbers from our polling: -

1. “Is Joke Ligambi a competent leader?” 
- Yes: 24%
- No: 76%

2. “Is Joke Ligambi a likeable figurehead?”
- Yes: 16%
- No: 84%

3 “Do you have confidence a Joke Ligambi removal will have few innocent victims?”
- Yes: 52%
- No: 48%

It is not looking positive for old Joe here. The vast majority - almost 1 in 5 believe in our world consider Joe to be incompetent, whilst even more consider him to be thoroughly unlikeable as a leader. All things considered, it would appear that the average man on the street feels it is time for Joe to hang up his fedora.

Perhaps a cessation of the purge mentality would see a rise in public opinion for a regime leader whose popularity level rivals that of anthrax, but only time will tell whether Joe intends to mend his battered reputation, or embrace the villainy he has become known for.

I would also like to take a moment to thank the contributor who has specifically asked to remain anonymous. You raise some valid concerns with my grouping of *all* Ligambi franchises falling under the title of incompetent; I shall concede this is perhaps an unfair assumption to make, and shall make this distinction upon final review of the market analysis.

As a member of the spin-off Viterelli Crew, I have no complaints. My boss is a man named Jelly, which is delightful, as it's the sort of nickname I would give the fat boy in my childhood friend group. It makes him feel approachable. That's good leadership. Maybe Joseph just needs to rebrand. If he would start calling himself 'Chubby Checker' Ligambi or 'Chunkus Rotundus' Ligambi, his approval ratings might begin to improve. 

I'm sorry, Mr Jelly. I was just trying to brainstorm ways to get those numbers up. I think you'll find I was very flattering of your leadership, which I deeply respect and appreciate.

I just think if Chunkus Rotundus could take your lead, maybe there wouldn't be the need for such extensive market research as is being conducted here. The rebrand has a Julio-Claudian quality to it that could imply an emperor-like authority over us gormless plebs, the likes of which would never allow poor polling numbers for fear of decapitation or death in the arena. 

I think the market research commission should look into this ASAP 

Ginger, what do you reckon?

Purging for trying to assist with a rebrand. My word. It’s little wonder the court of public opinion holds the Ligambi brand in such low regard.

In the dark recesses of our beloved streets there lurks a dangerous and evil entity. An organization of marred in shadows many believe it to be simply a myth. Even those who have experienced the true depravity of our vicious underworld know what waits behind the closed doors of the Market Research Commission. 

Wounds are still healing from the infamous Competition Commission scourge that was finally routed from our streets. I am wary of opening ourselves to another assault of that magnitude. 

In the criminal empire system, non-approved competitions and researching is considered especially heinous.

In these six cities, the dedicated members are members of an elite squad known as the competition commission.

These are their stories.

Blows his nose twice

Transistor, dude, stop trying to jump on a bandwagon, you friendless, humourless buffoon.

You wouldn't be allowed near the Competition Commission.  You're trying to portray yourself as being on the inside of inside jokes.

You're not.  You're a tragedy 

Hello I am a bright new mobster looking to make a name for himself. Can I help out with this market research gig as an intern?

I'm good at fetching coffee and boiling hamburgers.

JoeTheJoke, is it possible to share any of the anonymous comments that went with the survey?

Context behind polls is really important and it'll really help my Father Billy, who loves Willy (me) decide how we can support.

Indeed WillyMastrosimone, such a polite request would never be refused. I would advise caution when reading the replies, as there are some with quite colourful language.

If maybe he spent less time sucking on Spike’s cock, he might be able to concentrate on becoming a better man.

I’m a staunch believer in doing what makes you happy in the bedroom, but I also believe this one may be metaphorical. It is certainly food for thought.

Rumour going around he stamped on a dog’s head.

Revelatory, if true. People love pets, and if the rumours are true, there could be a storm on the horizon for the Ligambi brand. We can only speculate, of course, but I imagine it would be a small dog; perhaps even a puppy, because it’s the Ligambi way to attack weakness. Wise when it works, but foolish when you’re unaware of the pack protecting the dog.

Joke is yet another creep who drinks from the same bathtub as Mokus and SpikeS.

Again, revelatory if true. Questions must be asked; do the gentlemen in question bathe in the water so they recycle their own filth, or do they have a peasant bathe so they can drink the homeless man’s filth? Either way, it’s an odd custom, but not outwith the realms of possibility. We’ll put it in the probably true pile for now, and seek answers later.

He’s great.

This one was signed U.J.L. - it’s a mystery. Another one we’ll need to investigate further.

AlfredAlfredosauce we have work to do, it seems. The initial market research may be completed, but verification is an arduous, thankless task, and we’ve only got through a small sample of the comments so far.

Wet raccoon attacks are the worst. 

Hello, I'm Anita Ligambi (no relation).

I've heard from credible sources that AlfredAlfredosauce was purged by LouisFratto at the behest of the Ligambis as well. Their purging paranoia has grown to such extreme heights that even 3 day old Gangsters are deemed a threat.

I'm not trying to sway the opinion of any questionnaire participants but I just want to throw that out there.

FootballCasual you seem upset. I've turned over a new leaf now, I'm all love.

Bless you, my son.