A big sign reads: Turn Up For Tommy: The 300 Million Dollar Mastrosimone Mutual Newspaper Fundraiser. It looks very cool and expensive. What font is that? Who can say. 

Ladies and gentleman, thank you for attending the Turn Up For Tommy: The $300 Million Dollar Mastrosimone Mutual Newspaper Fundraiser. I'm your host, S1SquidGameExtra.

News - who needs it? Everyone. Why? Because it's important. Because it's necessary. Because we cannot afford to live in ignorance, jerking off in library bathrooms like PlagueDoctor. And who's going to bring it to us? Tommy_Vitale. Once a week, every week. Here are some things you may not have realized were happening, because there's nobody around to report about it:

• A confusing nut competition. Mokus has been begging people to join, and really could've used a newspaper to stir up some excitement from a source people will actually be able to listen to without wanting to kill themselves. 
• Grin-shooting competition. Someone immediately fucked up and killed him, which was expressly against the mandate. A newspaper could've cleared that up.
• Street_Leader leads the Streets. This would presumably be headline news. 

Tommy will have a few words to say later on. For now, just one quote will do.

"300 Million would fund the paper, with an established weekly distribution." - Tommy_Vitale

Before we finish up, a quick disclaimer.

The Mastrosimone Mutual Newspaper Fund has nothing to do with BillyMastrosimone. It is a tribute to a man named Lordian, who some few years ago performed one of the greatest scams in modern history and robbed hundreds of millions from regular folks via his so-titled Mastrosimone Mutual Fund. That is NOT to suggest this new fund is a scam. The name is less a tribute to its duplicitous and untrustworthy former proprietor and more specifically an homage to the amount of money his sticky fingers looted from honest pockets, which is now required in a genuine endeavor to build a mafia newspaper for the people, by our greatest living newspaperman, Tommy_Vitale. Lordian absconded, never to be found again - and the people said good riddance - while Tommy_Vitale champions the fourth estate as proudly and fearlessly as anyone ever has or will. 

And all Tommy needs to do it is 300m. A mere 300 million dollars to drag mafia journalism out of the dark ages and into the modern world. I will get the ball rolling with a 100k donation. You may also donate via tips here or sent directly to Tommy - though for administrative purposes, it will be easier to track via tips. 

Let's get the donations started. Every dollar counts.

Will there be some sort of Commission to oversee the Mutual Fund? Asking for a friend. 

I welcome all oversight Ginger, if a representative of any certain Commission's would like to step in for third-party assurance. This is about getting Tommy back into the editor chair, where he belongs. Brent is a crewleader now and it's like nobody even noticed. The lack of journalism around here is crippling.

Right you are there. I've been re-reading the same newspaper for weeks now, I keep opening it back up hoping to see it's changed but still no such luck. 

It's hard to express the amount of mental anguish I have to go through wondering when and where my next news update might come from. I sit in terror each day complete unaware of my surroundings, devoid of knowledge of current activities.

I can only imagine everyone feels the same way I do, as there is nobody around to tell me otherwise.  

I'm devastated, Ginger. It's been so long since I've read any organized correspondence featuring facts, opinions and occasional advertising, I might be sick. What's the date? Who's the President? Are we at war? If about 299,797,634 more dollars end up in Tommy_Vitale's pocket, we might finally get some answers.

This was a FUNDRAISER, not a COMPETITIVE WRITING COMPETITION.

To whoever shot S1SquidGameExtra, think about what you've done, where you went wrong, and what this means for mafia journalism as we know it.

Tommy_Vitale, stay safe. We don't know if you're also marked as a target. Wire all fundraiser money to me just to be on the safe side.

What is the status of this? Did the Squid Guy fake his own death and then abscond with the $1,162,366 in cash that was meant to fund the return of the MR Gazette?  Do we even have any investigative journalists around to find out what happened? If the Squid Guy did NOT fake his own death, who killed him and why? And what happened to the money? We had less than $298 million to go and the printing presses would have fired up again.

Somebody around here really hates journalism and is trying to snuff out even the whiff of it. Is that the real reason Tommy retired from journalism? Does he know what is going on behind the scenes and what keeps happening to our Mafia Journalists? Or is he secretly behind the slaughter? And what does the Competition Commission have to do with all of this?

Ahem...the people have many questions.