“We’re spinnin’ and winnin’” says Englander as our two leaderboard celebrities sit in the make-up department being pampered and preened by several talented young women.

Such was their meteoric rise to fame and fortune, the press was hot on their tales for quotes, life histories etc etc etc. Even publishers were offering wads of cash to “ghost” their life stories.

A knock at the door announces the entrance of the event Director himself “Big Dick” Clements.

“Gentlemen……your public awaits……” he says as he leads our hero’s trackside where they are immediately overwhelmed by well wishers and folks asking for autographs.

Further along the way, among the trash bins and also ran section, is the not so illustrious competition. Often mistaken for an ill-kempt group of “Bin Dippers”, the group peer towards the passing cavalcade which now was being led by a local school marching band.

“My God our fortunes have turned” whispered Englander,

“Rightly so my friend” The_Stig replied, as he handed a ¾” long socket with ½” drive to Sonny Trabotti whispering….” that’s the one you need to remove the crankshaft spleen mate, not that one you’ve got there”, smiling as he does so.

A well-wisher comments “They’re even helping the competition……. look………is there no end to the generosity of these men!”

“Big Dick” runs up to the heroes of the hour stating….” CBS want an interview lads, let’s get over there and it’ll make the evening news!”

The competition stand motionless, mouths wide open, unshaven – except for Heston’s legs of course – and gazing at the event before them as Englander points towards the current betting board.

Nuttin But Trouble   -150 

The Busted Nuts     +240

Team Kaboom        +300

Motor Mobsters      +500

Dazed and Confused +380

Duckies                 +490

Magic Mikes           +1000

TheNutHandlers     +1000

It turned out those luscious butt cheeks of Craven and Sven had managed to grab the attention of the wannabe, less perfectly shaped, competitors. After listening to HansKieslowski announcing to the crowd that he had looked for such a long period of time to notice that sweet sweet baby oil was dripping off of Craven's tight perk ass, he decided to reply. "Hans my man, I really appreciate you for taking the time to exam my ass cheeks. You have no idea how many steps and squats this motherf***** as taken to get to this shape, but damn I'd be able to help you out with that saggy excuse of an ass your using as a counterbalance! You only gotta ask for help man!" He looked to Sven who had been paying attention to the little shadow stalker known as Englander, attempting to act like he's in control of this whole event. "Englander, those butt cheeks of Craven's are that muscular, it doesn't matter what you put up there... it's snapping clean off once he tenses those badboys!" Sven shouted over as Englander moved to his left, after noticing that the sun had just started to catch his body. Craven began to laugh in hysterics, "Englander, are you not feeling a bit sorry for the lovely Marie for wasting her hard earned cash on you just to fail? I mean it's cute that she's willing to help out a sun dodger but man.... by the time we fire these six nuts your way, your gonna wish you asked me for some lubrication.... It's gonna hurt alllllll the way in!" The pair started throwing out bottles of baby oil to the crowd of spectators as they made their way over to Sonny_T. "Sorry to hear you're having to do this on yourself man. Let's face it though, you've still got more chance than the Nuttin But Trouble team." 

Whats the noisy about this team Kaboom by the way. I dont hear any noises i dont hear any crackling or see any brigth flames. Theres about as much Kaboom in them lads as in a wet paper towel. Hell a motor man like myself we like a good blast every once in a while. I had high hopes for a guy called Dynamite...hell its not a stick of dynamite its an earth worm....atleast thats what the ladys say after meeting him....they dont get any big Kabooms from those lads either.

But then its good they can come around Sonny and his trusty old Swisscheese....Those girls love my gear stick and if it stinks abit of good old swisscheese it just make em feel mosre nasty and we know girls love to feel nasty dont we.

And then theres a team that apparently likes Led Zeppelin, dased and confused....did they find their way here yet??  Hell give me your adresses and ill come pick you up in the Swisscheese. I always wanted to see if Svetlana looks as much as a шлюха as her name suggest. I have this thing for blondes in washed out denim skirts wearing heels and extremely red lipstick. As to the two numbnuts with cracked skull. CATCH THIS NUT!

Sonny races of into the sunset.......................

"My ass may not be perky now but wait till you get a load of my nuts", Hans yelled back at Craven while polishing his weapon of choice to shoot any minute. 

The Iron Chef was loading the cannon today. They were feeling lucky now. 

So, here we are. Day 4 of the nut swinging, heart crunching and verbal bashing at the main event of the year and tensions are running high.

Several toilet doors remain locked in the communal rest room with a few contestants simply communicating by sliding soiled pieces of paper under the doors whilst others continue to be occupied but with no sign of life whatsoever, apart from the occasional noise of exertion followed by a sigh of disappointment.

The contest continues however, un-deterred by recent events and growing in popularity by the hour.

It was heart warming to witness the steps being taken to ensure an accurate, open, yet competitive nature in the proceedings.

In particular, The steps being taken by Sonny to ensure a level playing field scenario is encouraging to say the least.

“What’s with all the post-it notes scattered around the place then?” Asked Englander

“Ah that’s Sonny’s open book philosophy” replied The_Stig

“Hmmm, his mom’s telephone number’s on that one, what’s that other one in the special binder?” asks Englander

“Ah, that’s his defence brief on the up and coming upskirting allegations” replies The_Stig

“And this one? The big one?”

“Those are the shots for the next week. It is a really good open policy he has there, but will it catch on?” Asked The_Stig looking inquisitively at Englander

Englander shrugged before re-arranging the various perks/ medals/ etc around his neck and assumed the pose of an angry quarter back whilst yelling “COME ONNNNNNNN!!!”

My dear British lads, you can ask Heston what comes from reading other peoples mail...Sometimes youll hear the truth. 

And dear ladies and Gentlemen i have come to reveal the truth to you today. Matter of fact is that all these fine Mobsters i am competing with to be the last on Mokus game field....are utterly hopeless and totally incompetent to deal with...

A my stunning looks

B My luxury race car, Nothing beats a Pontiac,  well to be fair the British did in 1763, but that an interely different matter.

C my insane nut throwing, the strength in the throwing arm of a guy who drives a car with a stick. Lads after this nutty contest lets armwrestle, ill beat everyone but Dynamite, he wanks all day...

Now i am gonna give out a challenge, you magic mikes   show me a magic trick....another one than yesterdays where your selfconfidence vanished from the sun due to poor performance. 

Duckies  i have an invite for you, youre invited to my house for Christmas...my wife always gets the skin crunchy for our Christmas dinner.

How about them TheNutHandlers, wanna borrow a car and a camera, then you can start filming driving missdaisy 

Now have a great evening ladies and gentlemen and dont forget to follow my elegant nutthrower in a few minutes.

Adios Amigos

WRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

The roar of an engine grows louder as a sleek black car screeches to a halt beside Sonny. Stig rolls the windows down slowly, more unmistakable lyrics blast through the speakers.

"Face down ass up, that's how Sonny likes to fuck!"

Englander leans out of the window, one hand on the wheel.

"Well, well, well, Sonny boy. How's your pal Tommy these days? Still having strategy meetings with his tombstone? Or has the ouija board finally started talking back?

Oh, and Sonny, any chance you’ll share your next shots with the class this time? Or just with Heston? "

Englander revs his engine, a thunderous roar that kicks up a cloud of dust, blanketing Sonny's Pontiac in a gritty haze. As the car peels away, Stig leans out the passenger window, arm extended, flipping Sonny the bird with a wide grin.

The pair vanish into the distance, leaving Sonny coughing in the dust and staring at his dirt-covered pride and joy.

Mokus had been waiting for the daily broadcast from his favorite big ass hairy gorilla, but it had been quiet for a long time on his radio set. So he set out to figure out what was going on, perhaps there were technical difficulties. Or the letter he had sent got lost and Gary was twiddling his massive thumbs waiting for the highlights to come in through telegram message.

As he approached the journalist booth Gary had made his home, easily detectable by the putrid smell that hung there and a wastebin full of banana peels, he noticed the lights were still on from last night. Odd he thought to himself, better check it out. So he scaled the wall as easy as a human would take a step on level terrain and peered inside from the window. 

Holy ******, Gary was laying down, the booth even messier than usual and next to him 2 cheap looking chimps, floosies, Mrs Gary will not be happy. As he could hear the grinding engine like sound of Gary snoring, Mokus knew he'd better inform the masses himself of Matchday 4's highlights.

So he had his bodyguard sneak in, push gary's legs out of the way and sit down at the controls to send out the radio message.

Goodafternoon loyal sport fans and nut lovers!

I am coming to you live from the arena where everything seems calm, sleepy and no clouds of debris flying around as a result of recent explosions. 

Yesterday we did see a bunch of action though, from all but 1 team. It seems Dazed and Confused has been mostly confused about the purpose of this competition and maybe the rules. Perhaps the referee will ask them to bring it in and just throw the towel if they are so determined to do abso-lutely- fuuuucking---- nothing!! Who knows, stayed tuned!!

Interlude for commercials breaks the broadcast, and commercials for banking products, newly designed fridges and a loyal carpenter shop follow each other in quick succession.

Alll rightttyyyy folks, and we'rreeee back! Now let's look at the action in the arena we witnessed last night. Right of the bat, it was Team Kaboom that started of strong. And with 1 might swing, Dynamite manages to have a helluva shot and boom, there goes one defensive bunker of dazed and confused, the only thing saving them was being stuck somewhere else.

Next up, oh boy, the sun is definitely giving away their location, it's the Magic Mikes, and they believe it or not (i myself, find it hard) but they manage to scorch one of the tail feathers of the duckies, leaving them less healthy than before!!

Oh, what's that, it seemed the confused team got dazed in that last attack, and again one of their locations was reveal by a truely aimed shot, this time it was the nuthandlers who managed to damage their competition!!

Phew, that was quite the excitement folks, but the rest of the throws seem to only have hit some dirty piles scattered around the arena, better luck tomorrow to those teams!!

The broadcaster swivels his seat and looks at his buddy, now Joey, what can you tell us what happened on the patron's side of the VIP lounge?

Well Marc, it was quite a busy day, 1 patron pulled out his check book and flashed it big and mighty to gain maximum advantage for his team, but unlucky for The busted nuts, Ginger's funding only lead to 1 free goodie at the perk shop and 1 preview that the team didn't use in the end.

Seeing how unluckyGinger was spinning the wheel, Nuccio_Carrera stepped up and ask also 3 spins for his solo fighter, but ohhh the wheel was brutal today!!! only a free preview was the result after 3 rounds, which SwissCheese made timely use of and tried to hit his opponents, which utterly and embarrassingly failed to connect to anything except the dirt!

As the broadcast end tune sung over the crackling radio set, Mokus looked around, he could see a lot of craters, whether ones that connected or dropped into noman's land, but from the look of it about half the arena was bombed by now. The end game was starting, some teams were on the brink of elimination (and thus utter humiliation)!!

Englander steps forward, his cloak shimmering in the dim light, as the crowd falls silent with anticipation. He surveys the audience with a calculated pause, his voice cutting through the stillness.

"Tonight, I shall perform a trick so mysterious, so extraordinary, it will be talked about for years to come. But for this feat, I need a volunteer. Who among you is daring enough to step forward?"

The crowd shifts, eyes darting nervously, before Sonny confidently strides into the center, arms crossed in defiance.

"Ah, Sonny. Your recklessness, coupled with an astonishing inability to read the room, makes you the perfect volunteer. Very well, prepare yourself!"

With a sweeping gesture and a sharp clap, a swirling cloud of glittering smoke envelops Sonny. Gasps ripple through the crowd as the mist thickens and then slowly disperses. When it clears, Sonny has vanished without a trace. Englander steps forward into the empty space, his voice now low and filled with an air of solemn mystery.

"Where is Sonny, you ask? Some say he has been taken by forces beyond our comprehension. A higher being, one who moves unseen in the corners of the world, has summoned him for a purpose greater than any of us can understand. He has embarked on a four-day pilgrimage, chosen to seek the wisdom of a higher power, perhaps of Jesus himself, or perhaps of a truth far beyond our own."

The crowd murmurs, eyes wide with curiosity, as Englander bows deeply, his expression calm and unreadable, before silently slipping away into the shadows, leaving only the weight of the moment and the unanswered questions hanging in the air.

Day 6 of the Glorius Nutting event arrives amidst talk of scandal, abandonment, general misbehavior and a gross lack of culinary excitement.

The locker room toilet doors remain locked from the inside with no signs of movement from within. Faint whimpers could be heard, but nothing that could be used in evidence.

The arena becomes littered with arrest warrants, vehicle parts, and Gary’s discarded chest supports. Controversy and rumor surround the recent events which City Hall has vowed to investigate and get to the bottom of with vigor.

Special Council Leroy Bent has been appointed as chief investigating officer whose track record, as we all know, for winkling out anything that even smells of corruption or Swiss Cheese, is above all others.

The Governing body assures the crowd of the events’ continuation and promotes the next round with talk of possibly enhancing further, the already prestigious array of silverware that is on offer to the victorious.

The_Stig stands there……. waiting………unsure of what happens next………and decides to continue and do what he does best beside a life size cardboard cut-out of Englander.

Suddenly there’s movement from the competitor’s enclosure, One of the Duckies’ team is lifting his leg, he’s about to make a sudden rush towards the playing field……alas, he simply breaks wind and lowers his foot back to floor.

It’s on a knife edge here, and that’s not just Magic Mikes cluster beneath our illustrious chef’s blade.

Mokus had been unable to rouse gary for most of the day, rattling the door which still was locked from the inside. He hope enough ventilation existed so they wouldn't suffocate in there. Whatever they took, it was STRONG!!

As he looked at his referee notes, he decided to just type out a quick telegram today, no need to do a full broadcast he felt. Gary would surely be back in business tomorrow!!

Well ladies and gentlemen, it was day 5 of the exploding nuts competition. A few pairs by the end of it are hanging out for dear life, and oddly enough 2 teams are yet unscathed!! Let's look at the details:

Mr Englander won the best taunt of the day by default, only his voice carried out over the battlefield, the rest were too busy plotting and planning their shots apparently

There must have been a big pressure on Numbnuts, because he strung himself up in one of their derelict bunkers that were destroyed already. Numbskull sobbed her brains out, but as soon as numbnuts JR arrived she pulled herself back together and they'll be back for day 6!! Hurray

Now let's turn to the action today it started of with Team kaboom landing a straight hit on the Luckies oh wait no, formally they still keep the name of Duckies!

The nuthandlers amid all the sad drama happening with dazed and confused made use of their lack of attention and hit their location too, now D&C only have 1 safe spot left and are hanging on by a thread to this competition!!

Nuttin but trouble started to hit targets out of the arena, probably Englander's big mouth ran too far ahead of him and the_stig was unable to cover the distance and they made a big woopsie there!!

Patron spike bought a full package, but this time the luckies weren't living up to their newest nickname, they got nary a thing for the big generous investment from their patron and walked away only with a consolation prize.

Last up in the miscellaneous section, it seems Swiss Cheese got too fired up slinging taunts and insults in the light of this competition, and in his red head rush he decided to sling more shots of verbal abuse on main avenue, promptly leading to the mayor to put him behind bars for a few days to cool off. Stay tuned folks!!!

Heston stood on the battlefield shivering wishing he was back in the warm kitchen but this chipmunk had needed entrants so here he was. Heston looked across the field and thought he saw craven "Oi Oi you there you throw like a fucking girl" 

Heston grabbed more snow and turned it into another snowball maybe today he would hit something and hopefully knock someone out 

Gary was back in business after being MIA a few well spent days. Hans chuckled, "Dazed and confused....what an apropos name. I mean that SilentA guy got confused and took a long walk off a short pier or something. Like who does that? I heard they found his body literally swimming with the fishes! Crackin stuff there".  

The Iron Chef was playing the silent type out here in the arena; which was fine with Hans who needed a break from all the shouting in the HQ kitchen. Does anyone really like lamb sauce?, he wondered. 

The Nuthandlers have been pretty quiet in their corner as well. "I am not sure who is driving MissDaisy but Nut and Nutter sounds like a movie title of a similarly fitting name"! Hans was off his rocker today and was eager to get his nuts flung..hopefully slap across someone's face. 

He was suddenly hungry for seafood...Maybe Heston would knock out a couple fresh sea roaches to drop in the pot for dinner tonight. 

Englander approaches the firing range, a spotlight tracking his every step. The crowd falls silent as he adjusts the microphone. Beside him, Stig sits at the piano, already playing the hauntingly familiar tune of Vanessa Carlton’s "A Thousand Miles," but with a slightly chaotic, nutty twist. Englander takes a deep breath, leans in, and begins to sing.

"Making my way downtown
Nuts fly past
Shrapnel blasts
But me and Stig are not hit again"

Stig harmonises with an effortless sway.
"Do doo dee doo do doo
Doo dee do de doo dee"

Englander gestures at the crowd as a few dodge stray walnuts.

"Firing at all these fools
Just making our way
Making a way
Through the crowd"

Stig sings slightly louder, with flair.
"Do doo dee doo do doo
Doo dee do de doo dee"

Englander points dramatically at an unlucky contestant scrambling to hide.

"'Cause we see you
And we’ll hit you
But now we wonder"

Englander and Stig sing together in a heartfelt duet.

"If nuts could fall out of the sky
Do you think Sonny is still alive
'Cause you know Nuccio would do one thousand hours
If he could just see him... tonight"

The crowd chuckles nervously as Englander paces with theatrical flair, mimicking a shell explosion.

"It’s always the start of the round
We get real brave
And I wonder if you’ll actually hit fuck all"

Stig cuts in with perfect timing.
"Do doo dee doo do doo
Doo dee do de doo dee"

Englander clutches his chest dramatically.

"'Cause everything feels so wrong
Like we don’t belong
But we’re living in your memories"

Stig’s piano intensifies slightly, his voice now echoing with power.
"Do doo dee doo do doo
Doo dee do de doo dee"

"'Cause we see you
And we’ll hit you
But now we wonder"

Englander and Stig build to a triumphant crescendo.

"If nuts could fall through the sky
Do you think I’ll live past Wise Guy
'Cause you know I’ll talk a load of shit
And we’re gonna roast you alive"

Stig, with a final,  flourish on the keys, belts out one last soulful line.
"Do doo dee doo do doo
Doo dee do de doo dee"

The crowd erupts in applause as Englander takes a theatrical bow, Stig tossing a peanut in the air and catching it mid-note with his mouth. Their performance has clearly left the competition shaken and oddly entertained.

WELL WELL WEEL....Looks who is back...you lads thought you got rid of me. But good men die hard as they say and no jail can hold Sonny Trabotti in forever.

And what did you lads and lasses do meanwhile...basicly nothing all teams still standing....tsk tsk tsk.

But i can assure you all that youll regret not cashing in on my jailtime cos now its time to explode those nuts and i saved it up for days.