Our intrepid Duo continues to climb to the very pinnacle of the game as they continue to set the standard against which all others strive and fail to achieve. Their ability to maintain a steady yet forceful progression through each stage has finally produced the goods.

Having been blessed with an Arsenal which will more than likely blow the socks off anything within a nautical mile of the explosion, they meticulously plan and scheme to ensure their final blow is at the point of the endgame.

The competition line-up continues to offer little in regard to talent or planning. Abandoned enclosures and missing presumed dead signs hang in the morning breeze, tattered and motionless.

Its early morning, and our heroes are yet again, eager to get into a plate heaped with a full English breakfast.

Meanwhile, our vintage pairing, The Duckies, appear without their carer, Heavy Mable, and slowly shuffle in their evening slippers towards the catering enclosure followed by several yards of toilet paper caught in their pants.

It’s at times like this when you realise just how important Potty training really is to a child.

The Busted Nuts continue to grace the event, albeit at a pace associated with a coal fired traction engine, and marksmanship skills that a blindfolded chimp could better.

Smooth Hans and the Iron Chef still await the return of their portable stove and make do with a breakfast full of fibre, fruit, and Worcester Sauce. Yes, indeed folks shotblasting talk there, but that’s all it will be. The only blasting will be rear end stuff from that camp.

Also, I’m getting a bit fed up with hearing of how le chef has to get up 3 hours before he actually goes to bed, do a 38-hour stint and still have to satisfy the demands of his inflated bed mates anyhow.

Englander and The_Stig are the pairing which all others need to beat. Having the looks, cool attitude, a sharp eye (between them) and a following which covers most of the spectator’s area, we are everything to which the competition aspires. More importantly, the competition not only know it, but they also crave it.

On a lighter note, it’s good to see the return of The Motor City team and Sonny will do all he can to recoup the gains made earlier in the tournament I’m sure. He’ll fail miserably but trying is what counts. And no, you’re still not having a go in my car Sonny.

Game on!

BONG!

Welcome to the most Flavoursome of Nuts. I am the ape who can, the one man sham, Gary. Where glitz and glamour combine to create a hunk of steaming monkey..

It is with great sadness viewers that I have to inform you that we are tolerating slackers. Three teams are not doing what they signed up to do and it is high time that they are called out on it. Yeah, I missed 2 days after going on a bender but let's be fair. When you look like I do you can get away with such things. These people have taken a spot away from people such as yourselves who could've participated. 

Worst than that, and don't let them know, there are people like Englander and The_Stig putting some serious hard yards in. 

This is as serious as you will ever see this Gorilla but it'd be nice to see some buy in from the competitors to match the effort of others. Fucking pick up guys.

Now. Back to your normal programming. 

Today we have seen five teams down to their final location. It is imminent that a team is getting eradicated and removed from our competition. The suspense. The jeopardy. The tension. You could cut it with one of Hestons rolling pins. 

SpikeS again using his patronage to good use and gaining the Duckies not one, not two but three perks. One free throw, one free reveal and one free perk. Well played that man I say. Be nice to see the other patrons give their teams a boost. 

After yesterdays friendly fire the Magic Mikes have failed to fire a nut. They must have dazed themselves. Talking of Dazed.. You guessed it. Still MIA and Sonny now being out should see a return for the Motor Mobster tomorrow.

It isnt without time for Sonny as the Duckies, loaded up with their perks, proceed to sink two full loads straight into The Motor Mobsters. Bravo folks. Nothing like taking advantage when others are missing. Sonny coming back to some serious damages. Could've got him a cake guys!

Nuttin but trouble used the absence of the Magic Mikes to their advantage and destroy another of their locations. Again, perhaps being here might help. I know it is a novel idea folks but it might catch on. 

Magic Mikes were further harmed in their idleness as the Nuthandlers found another of their locations before dropping one on Team Kaboom as well. That ends a reasonable run for Dynamite and his accomplice who have gone unscathed in recent weeks. 

And that is a wrap folks. If you see any of our absent competitors around these shores then give them a slap and send em into battle. After all. They're only robbing us of entertainment and chances to abuse other mobsters

May The Nuts Forever Be In Your Flavour.

“AND ANOTHER THING” yelled Englander as he firmly struck the table with the palm of his right hand, grimacing immediately afterwards and letting out a childish whimper because it really fucking hurt, “Don’t you ever come to me with any co-ordinates of any kind ever again. We both know you’re shite with maps, you’re shite with routes and you’re shite with saying you’ve had enough to drink!  You’re good for one thing only….one-way tracks at stupid speeds! OK!”

The_Stig sat for a moment before responding…….” You’re right, absolutely right. I tried……….and failed miserably but, in my defence………. that field out there resembles somebody’s back garden who has a severe Mole problem! It’s a total feckin mess! The place is only good for growing potatoes in!”

“Yes, yes, yes, I know but, the competition are all either dead, in jail, almost dead or on their arses, whilst we’re still in it to win it, YES?”

“Of course” replied The_Stig, as he looked closely at Englanders right hand before asking, “Do you want some ointment for that ha……”

“No, I fucking don’t” said Englander, interrupting sharply, and removing his hand from sight.

“Let’s just concentrate on the task at hand, shall we?” said Englander as The_Stig let out a wry smile, resulting in Englander poking him in the right eye.

“Ouch, that hurt. There was no need for that” said The_Stig before continuing with one eye closed………. 

“Yes, let’s give it all we’ve got……. both barrels! Let’s finish it!”

The_Stig proudly inflates his chest as our two heroes embark once again on their epic journey, and ultimate notoriety, in the event of the year.

Striding purposely into the awaiting crowd of onlookers and well-wishers.

“You sure you don’t want something for that hand? Looks quite painful to me.”

“FUCK OFF!”

"Things sure look a lot better today, eh Chef"? Hans turned to see he was talking to himself. Maybe the Iron Chef's replacement would arrive before it was too late. His mouring interrupted by shouting across the way. Hans had to investigate; he was nosey like that. 

No telling what started it off, but Englander had just nailed The_Stig right in the eye. Hans was elated. Now with two teams down, another presumably missing in action, and Nuttin but Trouble half blinded and self-mamed, The Busted Nuts were sure to take advantage. 

"Best to keep that polished helmet where it belongs!",  Hans jeered at The_Stig. "I hope... that was your throwing hand, Englander", his taunt pulled out in long rhythm pattern that he was known to use. Smooth Hans laughed at the crusty pair strutting about like they didn't just suffer insult and injury. 

Hans had to get back to priming his nuts so they would explode on impact, and he had his targets in his sight. 

There’s an air of impending doom amongst some of the remaining teams in the event of the year.

Hans’ left eye always twitches whenever he either needs the toilet pretty damn quickly, or he’s in a tight spot. Either or, the situation he’s in at the moment could result in him being caught with his teddy bear pants down.

The Duckies continue to shuffle themselves through the process relatively smoothly considering the amount of mobility equipment at their disposal but lack energy and speed required in order to get to the top.

The favourites however, yours truly and my 3^rd cousin, forcibly twice removed, Englander, remain at the very top of the leader board as you’d expect, from a duo blessed with the necessary guile, tenacity, experience and damn fine looks as we so graciously possess.

We quite literally have the competition in our sights, in a pincer movement if you will.

Having led them into a false sense of security several days ago with a well staged exhibition of incompetence and bad judgement, we now have the remaining teams firmly in our cross hairs. The outcome will continue to be a slow slide down the hill of despair for the remaining teams.

Nuttin’ but trouble are gunning for you all.

Buckle up Daisie’s, heeeeeeeeeeere comes Johnny!

MATCHDAY 14: The conclusion

It had been 2 weeks ever since the cannon fire signaled the start of this competition and since then the buzzing of the crowds, the hitherto explosions and the dust and sand swirling through the air had led to much excitement (and complaints from neighbors). Mokus had his belly fully of complaints of cracking walls, ceilings, and dust stained windows, he growled and sent the people running for safety.

But yes, finally the day had come that the competition committee was able to confirm the fight was done and who the top ranked teams are. Due to complex circumstances, it was a bit of reading the fine print of the rulebook, but the decision was made and irreversible.

He gestured to Gary, whom had been a wonderful reported to review his final statements, the big ape nodded, and Mokus sat down at the typewrite and in quick succession wrote down the match report and final ruling on placements.

Since Gary's last report many things had happened, some in the arena some around it. So let's dive in, at the end of matchday 13, 3 teams were left. The ever oiled up Magic Mikes, the immobile Dazed & Confused half still alive?? and nuttin but trouble, the loud boisterous troublemakers in this competition renowned for their loud and funny comments.

Yet before the Matchday was ended, some ruckus in the dressing rooms outside the arena involved the nuttin but trouble team and as mokus and gary went down to check, they found both fighters riddled with bulletholes. Dismayed they backed away and shed a single tear for this fan favorite team, but alas they registered as a DNF since their kin did not assume their mantles.

Now moving on, Magic Mikes undisturbed made their way to the Arena and managed to land a square hit on something that made a big boom. But when they went to inspect, they found an abandoned shelter, it was the last one supposedly occupied by the Dazed and Confused pair, but only outdated signs of occupation were found. Perhaps they had left ages ago without notifying the referee committee? Or perhaps the rumors of numbskull having ritually sacrificed numbnuts to win favor with the gods wasn't a rumor? 

Gary scratched his big ass looking confused, boss... what should we do with this.

Well Mokus said, paging through the rulebook, leaving the arena and hiding out of bounds is not allowed, hence i need to disqualify this team with a heavy heart.

With that said it was proclaimed that MAGIC MIKES craven and sven, were the victors and would take home an even shinier than them trophy, better not oil that one up boys!!!

Looking at the 2 teams that initially placed 4th and 5th, it became clear they as a consequence of the DNQ and DNF that they are now bumped up to 2nd and 3rd, Mokus sent congratulatory messages to both thenuthandlers missdaisy and yes_Please_daddy coming in runners up, and the busted nuts hanskieslowski and gordon_ramsay snatching the final place on the podium.

With those rankings comfirmed, it also means that in terms of the patron trophy, this goes to space-to-the-pole, with Dr_dizzwald getting second and the unfortunately deceased ginger (or his kin) to collect 3rd.

On behalf of myself and Gary, we thank you for the energy and interest shown in this competition!!