Plaudits for The Duck's Bill Issue #1 are already coming in, with mobsters around the world lining up to catch a glimpse of the tantalizing insider details and investigative reporting inside. 

"A decent enough read" - Dynamite_

However, in the interest of transparency, criticism too was levied against our publication.

"don’t get too comfy." - Dynamite_

"a sleazy paparazzi up-in-your-face trash piece" - Dynamite_

Well, Dynamite_, wait til you get a look at this scoop!

THE DUCK'S BILL ISSUE 1.5: A REVERSE BURGERHOUSING

Loyal readers may remember, in Issue #1 we reported the death of AlexanderTheGreat to a serious case of Burgerhousing out of the @Billy_Mastrosimone family. This came on the back of a period of relative peace, as far as Burgerhousing was concerned, and we wondered how the sudden uptick in Burgerhousings would affect the mindset of the populace at large and whether the vicious trend had made a violent return. 

WHAT HAPPENED? 

Our questions were answered today when Chicago LHM Ranger woke up to an attempted wack from @Billy_Mastrosimone Consigliere Riina, and a swift demotion from family RHM Ghost-.

Mar 25, 04:29:08    Ghost- has demoted you to Capo.
Mar 25, 04:29:00    Ghost- has demoted you to Boss.
Mar 25, 04:29:00    The FBN put the squeeze on your drug lab. Your recent demotion made you lose favor with the cops.
Mar 25, 04:28:46    nirai tried to WACK! you.

Ranger was quick on his feet, however, and escaped before the typically competent and dependable Ghost- could complete the Burgerhousing. This fatal flaw in the plan has led to what some are calling "the reverse Burgerhousing of the century". 

@Striphe Consigliere Jest was the first to fall, with his killer whispering "Bootlicker" into his ear.

Mar 25, 04:52:42    Jest looks you in the eye, and says: "Diamonds are forever."
Mar 25, 04:52:42    You WACKED! Jest.

Brooklyn crewleader Svent was the next to go, sent off with the whisper, "Bingo, bongo, where is Ray Longo?"

Mar 25, 05:53:25   You WACKED! Svent. 

Nuccio_Carrara Consigliere Luciana was the latest to fall, to terrific dramatic effect. 

Mar 25, 08:01:49    Luciana looks you in the eye, and says: "As Lucy is bleeding on the ground, she pulls out a picture of her mother. "I'm so sorry..." she says with a tear running down her face, as she rests her head on the ground and puts the picture on her chest, leaving her last breath before closing her eyes."
Mar 25, 08:01:49    You WACKED! Luciana.

It's not hard to imagine Luciana clutching a picture of her mother, Lucy, just as Lucy did a picture of her mother, Luciana, and Luciana her mother, Lucy. RIP. 

IS BILLY_MASTROSIMONE AT THE HEART OF THE BURGERHOUSING EPIDEMIC?

Both of our recent executed and attempted Burgerhousing's have come via the Mastrosimone family, even when acted against button men from different cities altogether, Ligambi-affiliated or not. 

Did Arianna- sanction this, like she sanctioned the deaths of her two most recent auths and their entire upper structures? Why did she outsource the Burgerhousing? The trend was famously started in Chicago - they're the best in the Burgerhousing game. Did the death of brent put a pause to their actions? 

Ranger allegedly donated over 50 million dollars to the family, a number Ghost- rebuked as nothing. What does it take to be appreciated as a Chicago LHM, one of the most cursed positions in the history of the mafia? 

We have many questions, and none that The Harold are qualified or capable of answering by the time they achieve basic literacy, or The RoboReport by the time they publish an actual first edition instead of just asking everyone about it. 

WHAT DO YOU THINK IS BEHIND THE BURGERHOUSING ESCALATION?

HOW FAR WILL THE WRATH OF RANGER GO?

IS ARIANNA GOOD AT HER JOB?

DOES GHOST- NEED AN ADULT?

WHY IS RIINA SHOOTING CHICAGO LHM'S?

Stay tuned for updates from...The Duck's Bill.

BREAKING NEWS: Mastrosimone Boss Hydra was also killed by the vengeful Ranger. According to his slayer, he was not even on the list of targets, so was not offered a proper whisper, nor had any interesting last words.

WHEN WILL THE MADNESS END?

HAS THE DUCK'S BILL ALREADY RUN THE HAROLD AND THE ROBOREPORT OUT OF THE MARKET?

WHAT IS LOOPCL'S ROLE IN THIS?

Of all the papers currently available, and the one which cockteased us about being available but isn't, I must say that The Duck's Bill is my personal favourite. No dumb interviews with idiots like in The Harold, no checking whether people have an underscore in their name before printing and no big fancy words in the title that sound like a lame Spike crew name. No sizzle, all sausage, just the way the late brent liked it. 

And fitting really that we remember the Godfather of Burgerhousing at this time, given the catastrophic escalation in the thing he is most famous for; the failed assassination of his eponymous LHM, their subsequent demotion to Gangster and final ungainly toss into the gutter. First it was AlexanderTheGreat bringing it back into fashion, and now Ranger. Luciana too even - one minute you're quipping about not getting involved in "Burgerhousings" and the next you're being mowed down on the reverse Burgerhouse roundabout. That's Burgerhousing for you, almost as dangerous as taking the hot seat in The Loop or a Lincoln_Lawyer writing competition.  

Thank you again, Quackers. This is a wonderful insight into what is going on and there wasn't even a trip to an island of cannibal toys in sight. 

I am sorry but I'd like to clarify right here and right now. Miss Lucy never "Burgerhoused" anybody. It is quite a shame she was "on the list".

Once again though, she was shot for absolutely no reason other than holding a high position in a Ligambi crew and doing her best to take care of whoever she brought into her crew. It's an unfair world I guess, what can you do?

All she saw though, is complaints. Complaints about how people were getting butchered for no reason by higher ups. Yet when a rogue does it, all of a sudden it's fine and "for a cause" or to get a message across. All you are getting across is your hypocrisy, as you are no better than who you are trying to expose. But hey we can sit here and play pretend if you'd like. You be the heroes and we'll be the Villains, the bad guys, the evil doers.

How do I know all this? What she was thinking, what she did? Welp, I found her diary, which I will be releasing to the public soon, since that was her wish.

Anything you wanna know please message me or speak out. I've known Lucy since she was a child, so I can confidently speak on her behalf.

Viviana thank you for shining a light on just how UNFACTUAL this piece of quack called a "newspaper" truly is. Finally I am not the only one banging the drum on this. I expect TheDonBot to do the same in his newspaper too to lend our voices more strength, if it will ever be released at all that is.

Can I implore you to leave a 5 star review on 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 𝕠𝕗 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕌ℕ𝔻𝔼ℝ𝕎𝕆ℝ𝕃𝔻, and perhaps even a generous tip perchance? That would really show QuackersFeatherbeak.

Now is not the time to be stingy.

 WaffleStompingChamp and Viviana, I would first of all like to point you towards a glowing review The Duck's Bill has recently received: 

Of all the papers currently available, and the one which cockteased us about being available but isn't, I must say that The Duck's Bill is my personal favourite. No dumb interviews with idiots like in The Harold, no checking whether people have an underscore in their name before printing and no big fancy words in the title that sound like a lame Spike crew name. No sizzle, all sausage, just the way the late brent liked it. - FatGrin

Now let me tell you a little story. Call it a scoop. The kind of precise detail a reporter like WaffleStompingChamp would never uncover on his own, bumbling around like Mr. Magoo, falling down stairwells, and eating potpourri. 

In the immediate aftermath of the attempted Burgerhousing on Ranger, Jest and Joe_Ligambi shared a few choice words directed at the would-be victim. In his public protestations over having only ever been a loyal and honest servant, Ranger brought up that he had donated over 50 million dollars to the Arianna- family.

Ligambi replied:

04:49 <Joe_Ligambi[MR]> That's an expensive bullet

Jest chuckled along, as one does. But Jest did so with heavy pockets. The heaviest. Obscenely heavy pockets. 100 million+ worth of cash on hand. 

Wealth: Obscenely Rich

 Just 3 minutes after that dispassionate gesture, Ranger shot Jest, sending his 100m+ for a swim with him. He made sure to point it out. 

04:53 <Ranger[MR]> 23:49 <Joe_Ligambi[MR]> That's an expensive bullet
04:53 <Joe_Ligambi[MR]> Low blow

These are the play-by-play interactions you won't find anywhere else. Especially not The Harold, who are too busy begging for tips that I rightfully deserve (tip me please) to even publish a 1.5, despite this alarming breaking news. There is no hypocrisy here. These are just the cold hard facts.

You just addressed absolutely nothing.

Since you are so deeply connected, why don't you share why Luciana was killed? I am sorry I must be missing something, cause all I see from you is a nothing burger.

Maybe if you actually shed some light on the situation you'd be getting more tips. So far all you have done is disrespect the deaths of the fallen. One of those being Lucy, whom I loved dearly. 

There is no hypocrisy you say? You are clearly missing so many things regarding the war among higher ups and the lower ranks. What kind of journalist are you? Do you even know what's going on? Hell, did you even read my reply?

You are clearly missing so many things regarding the war among higher ups and the lower ranks

This is very interesting, Viviana. There is a war between the higher ups and the lower ranks? Can you elaborate? What started this war? What's the reasoning? Who is fighting on either side? 

There was no disrespect. These are just facts. Ranger was shot at. He survived, and killed Jest, Svent, Hydra and Luciana in retribution. It's no big leap to suggest Luciana was killed for being a high-ranking member of a Ligambi family, like the one for whom Ranger's would-be assassin currently works for. That seems to be perfectly fine reasoning for someone who is fighting against the people who tried to kill him. That's not a nothing burger, it's a reverse burgerhousing. Like the burger said to the condiment, you better ketchup. 

Sounds like you are the one that needs to ketchup, since you don't even know what you are reporting on.

Nuccio_Carrara Consigliere Luciana was the latest to fall, to terrific dramatic effect. 

It's not hard to imagine Luciana clutching a picture of her mother, Lucy, just as Lucy did a picture of her mother, Luciana, and Luciana her mother, Lucy. RIP.

Hmm no disrespect eh? Sure that sounds about right. Let's mock a dead girl holding a picture of her mother in her last moments. That will totally show how respectful you are.

The moment it stopped being a "reverse burgerhousing" is when Ranger attacked people outside his crew instead of attacking his own, just for shits and giggles. Again, no hypocrisy there right? I am sure.

About the war. Open your eyes and look around. I am sure you are smart enough to figure it out by yourself.

You know at this point, I am rather convinced you are nothing but a troll, simply here to make fun of the people that died. Must be so entertaining for you and your one donator.

The moment it stopped being a "reverse burgerhousing" is when Ranger attacked people outside his crew instead of attacking his own, just for shits and giggles. Again, no hypocrisy there right? I am sure.

Viviana, a Consigliere from outside his crew tried to kill him. Namely, one from a Ligambi family. That is why I just explained to you that attacking a Ligambi Consigliere (you) in retribution seemed like a very simple logical step. Are you following? Do you know why the burger went to anger management? Because it had beef with everyone, Viviana. 

Oh And that justifies killing 3 people who never even knew who he was. Sure makes perfect sense to me.

Do you know why no one read the burger's posts? Because they were buns.

I think you are confused, Viviana. No justification has been attempted here. These are just the cold hard facts. A play by play. I never said, "Luciana died, and rightfully so". I said, Luciana died, and it's probably because she was a Ligambi, as the Ligambi's just tried to execute this Chicago LHM who is now killing people. So, as you can see, there's no reason to act like a burger: flipped out. 

Viviana I see that you've been generously tipped by someone just now.

Considering you're no longer destitute now and have a fat wad of cash: don't you think you should reciprocate that generosity and tip to a QUALITY, FACTUALLY VERIFIABLE NEWSPAPER as well, hmm?

There is no confusion here. I am just calling you out. You are a journalist that doesn't know what the hell he's talking about.

A burger meat in a hot pan is colder and harder than your facts.

I'm starting to wonder if you even know what journalism is, Viviana. Because this is premium-grade stuff. It might be above the comprehension of a patty criminal. 

Oh? What was that? Out of arguements? Well, I'll call her stupid then, that'll show her.

Please do better. If not, spare us of these self proclaimed "premium-grade" articles and lettuce be.

Viviana, I'm bun in a million. The Duck's Bill is by far the most popular newspaper in circulation. WaffleStompingChamp is on his knees, begging for tips and recognition, while I can barely print enough copies for our growing readership. We're going in circles here. You're not chewing what I'm grilling. I would've loved if you came into this with the disposition to lettuce be friends. But you're still sizzling over the simple details. I don't know what to say to you anymore.

Deathbecomesme is now dead at the hands of Ranger. 

That is just a simple fact that I am reporting very straightforwardly. Are you going to be super upset about that as well, Viviana? That's good journalism. 

You were out of things to say the moment you insulted my intelligence.

What you just did, that was journalism. No comments, no silly quotes and no disrespecting.

I was never upset at you by the way. I am upset of your ways. If you ask me, you are no journalist. You are the unfunny clown that covers his face with mustard and thinks it's funny.

You are right we are going in circles, since you refuse to admit that you don't know what you are talking about.

I hope next time we meet, you understand criticism. I am not gonna hate you on your next article. Hell I might even tip if I think you did your job right.

So don't say anything. Instead, you should focus on proving people like me wrong. Go on then, roast me.

Let's be friends, Viviana. I am medium-rarely wrong but would be happy to publish any criticisms of The Duck's Bill in a guest column in our next edition.

Did you repeat Viviana's lettuce pun, mustard clown?