FatGrin, I acted in haste. However, you will find the rest of my conduct so far absolutely bunforgettable. I don't believe there are any means by which I could be considered a mustard clown or any other sort of condiment-based fool. 

Of all the papers currently available, and the one which cockteased us about being available but isn't, I must say that The Duck's Bill is my personal favourite. No dumb interviews with idiots like in The Harold, no checking whether people have an underscore in their name before printing and no big fancy words in the title that sound like a lame Spike crew name. No sizzle, all sausage, just the way the late brent liked it. 

Do you remember the man who said these words? 

Quackery, I think you've been cooked and burnt.

The Harold would never fail like this.

Alejandro, please address these issues to our complaints department. I can't stand around fielding these write-ins all day, especially from readers of The Harold, who are known to use the paper to mop up their drool or as makeshift diapers. We are a serious publication for serious news-readers like FatGrin. 

QuackersFeatherbeak I can stand you attacking my good name but leave my highly esteemed readers out of it. If they want to use my paper to mop up their drool that's their business.

As long as they tip generously I am willing to turn a blind ribeye.

Speaking of which, Alejandro, isn't there something you're forgetting???

You are clearly missing so many things regarding the war among higher ups and the lower ranks.

I was sad to have to inform Scousepole that we were at war with each other because they were a higher rank and I am a lower rank. This news was devastating. 

@QuackersFeatherbreak, you should do an investigative report in CH with the NPCs. I hear it is a warzone in South Side CH so you might get some danger pay or at least less competition to get the inside scoop first. That would definitely be a good read. For the people, of course.

Looks like I accidentally misspoke on your name apologies, Mr.QuackersFeatherbeak. Though saying your whole name makes it sound like you're in trouble. Quack, for short perhaps?

Viviana as a unpaid intern it would do my career progression the world of good if you can help me. Can I implore you to leave a 5 star review on 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 𝕠𝕗 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕌ℕ𝔻𝔼ℝ𝕎𝕆ℝ𝕃𝔻, and perhaps even a generous tip?

Now is not the time to be stingy. Help an unpaid intern get a leg up in the cut throat world of mafia journalism. 

I love this life. I wouldn't trade the thrills for all the front page headlines in the world. Although I've gotta admit, my morning coffee was feeling a bit empty without some pages to rustle through. 

Now there are newspapers everywhere! Just try not to let the competition get too heated, eh? The last thing we need is a newspaper turf war, especially as we'll have nobody left to report on it. 

My father was an avid enjoyer of all these newspapers. He had no favorites, although it may have looked that way to the naked untrained eye. I believe a good ole fashioned war of the inks between newspapers may be exactly what this world needs. A newspaper is not a newspaper without competition and tabloids out there threatening to take their spot at the top. Competition is a must in all facets of life if you ask me.

Here are the facts since our last update...

THE DUCK'S BILL, ISSUE #1.5: A REVERSE BURGERHOUSING - UPDATE

Those slain by Burgerhouse survivor Ranger and their reported last words, if any:

1. Killua, Consigliere of the Ligambi subcrew 'Lanza Crew'.

2. jason_profitt, Consigliere of the Ligambi subcrew 'Viterelli Crew'.

3. JimmyTheLionHeart, Boss of JohnnyTheMan's 'Iron Phoenix Brokers'. 

4. Lowlife, Boss of Angelo_Barbieri's 'La Firma'. 

• Lowlife looks you in the eye, and says: "Fuck you."

5. Joseph-Clemente, crewleader of Ligambi subcrew 'Clemente Crew'. 

• Joseph-Clemente looks you in the eye, and says: "Nice shot but i know some things about what's going to bad huh CTFU"

6. KR3ZY, Capo of HansKieslowski's 'Tough Nuts'. 

• KR3ZY looks you in the eye, and says: "☝🏽 whats up brother, goodjob on that +1"

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The Curse Of The Chicago LH Continues

Made Man Barber of the Arianna- family stepped up just yesterday into the seemingly cursed and luckless role of Left-Hand Man in Chicago, the very same that Burgerhouse survivor Ranger once occupied, and likewise one that BuckBurgerhouse himself filled for the late acting Godfather brent, before the ill-fated evening that coined the famous term.

However, as seems to be tradition, it wasn't long before Barber met the cruel hand of fate itself and his body was identified in the morgue not 24 hours into his new job. 

What's next for the Left Hand position in Chicago? Who will step up? Is it possible to both perform the crucial and painstaking duties of being the LH to a powerful and vastly influential crime boss like Arianna- and also not to die calamitously almost immediately after accepting the role? That all remains to be seen.

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Joseph-Clemente: Last Memory of Monella Fading?

With the death of Joseph-Clemente, famously the Right-Hand Man to short-lived Ligambi subcrew leader Monella, the joyful memories of the 'Monella Crew' leader abandoning his family within 72 hours of setting up to drown a Capo named Alfie in a bathroom toilet are at risk of fading from popular memory completely. 

Mourners came out in droves to see the crewleader off, with mutterings of "I can't even remember the last time a crewleader did a public swirly and then killed himself" emanating throughout the funeral grounds.