THE HUNTER'S DIGEST ANNOUNCED

These Streets are so woefully neglected by both those in charge and those who have appointed themselves as newsmen/newsducks that the people are crying out for another source of Mafia Media. Two papers have been announced, one delivered a single, paltry-tipped issue and a non-living eulogy, and the other can't even count. This will be a sequential production, thank you very much, the way all the best newspapers should be. Anyway, I know you don't want to read a lengthy introduction, plenty of those taking up valuable column inches in other periodicals already and I don't need to make an announcement to announce the arrival of The Hunter's Digest either. This is just 80% news and maybe 10% political commentary. The other 15% good humour which should be acknowledged as such. Onto the news.

ARE THE BOOKS CLOSED?

At the time of writing we have 4 Godfathers, 8 Dons, 9 Consiglieres, 14 Bosses, 15 Capos and 11 Made Men across all mob families and mob adjacent cults. That is 61 Made Men+ for people bad at maths (QuackersFeatherbeak). Conversely, we have 135 Wise Guys, 37 Earners, 24 Goombas and 54 Gangsters. 250 associates, Quackers. Whilst the pyramid should always narrow towards the top, it is a rare sight indeed to see so stark a divide between those who have made their bones and those who have not. So what gives?

I would like to say that it is because the powers that be are trying to restore some sort of prestige to the rank of Made Man and are thus being selective about who is given their button, however one look at SlimGrin, Boss of Old City, PH demonstrates this falsehood most keenly. Perhaps it is to avoid another embarrassing display like that on 18th March where 2 Dons, 2 Consiglieres, 2 Bosses, 4 Capos and 2 Made Men were gunned down by their own employers after having bestowed upon them these tremendous honours. 

As an aspiring journalist should do, I asked in the busiest Mafia-only coffeeshop in town what people thought was the reason why:

SimonTheSwanHunter (Handsome, CH): "Why do we think so many people aren't getting promoted past Wise Guy?"

Savannah (Wise Guy, LV): Could be a few things

Spike (Consigliere, CH): More realism

I had to leave at that stage, which wasn't very journalistic of me really, but nature calls sometimes and when it does I tend to listen. These two responses didn't shed too much light on the question honestly, I accept the blame for that for not following up. I decided instead I would need to go directly to source and rustled through my contact list and asked three of the top men around for their thoughts. Unlike The Duck's Bill who blew their entire budget to grab a debut interview with Jimmy and haven't been able to secure another since, here at The Hunter's Digest, all three proffered their thoughts.

MiguelMorales top man of Las Vegas

Q: Can I ask why do you think so many people aren't getting promoted past Wise Guy

MiguelMorales with non-malicious black eyes staring at me: *unprintable foreign language* I can't speak for others but here there are requirements to getting made.

Q: Anything not confidential you can disclose?

MiguelMorales in a dark voice: Sorry, any requirements not already public knowledge are held close to the chest.

Cadhla bad bitch of Philly

Q: Can I ask why do you think so many people aren't getting promoted past Wise Guy

Cadhla: do you have a minute? There are so many reasons why people are still a Wise Guy.

1. Every leader has its own rules and ideas how someone needs to get promoted to Made Man. This can be activity, donation, street presence. How people interact with the other crew members and so on. That is up to the crewleader to decide.
2. Some people request to stay as Wise Guy, because they might feel they are not contributing to the standards of being worthy to be called a Made Man.
3. Other people are doing graverobbings. That is I guess the majority of the Wise Guys. 

Grave Goblin Do 25 Grave Robs
Grave Goblin Phase 2 - 50x
Grave Goblin Phase 3 - 75x (Final)
Grave Goblin Phase HARDCORE - 150x (Final)
Grave Goblin Phase EXTREME HARDCORE - 300x (Final)

If you want to do them all, it takes 600 graverobs. That is 600 hours total. So you can ask yourself how many people reach that amount. being extremely active and get 5 a day (which is already a lot of hours someone spends online), you need to do this 120 days. 

4. And last reason could be the leader doesnt trust the person that well. But as said, that is up to the crewleader him/herself.

If you have questions, feel free to ask.

Khamzat assistant to Philly's bad bitch

Q asked to Cadhla: Can I ask why do you think so many people aren't getting promoted past Wise Guy

Khamzat after nosing through Cadhla's mailbox: The other reason people may not go over wiseguy as there is an XP drop of once you get passed made so even if you sit at wiseguy you get more experience for Jails Achievements etc etc

Editor's note: I even manage to get interviews without asking. Suck on that bill boy. 

Angelo_Barbieri hitlist staple in Las Vegas

Q: Can I ask why do you think so many people aren't getting promoted past Wise Guy

Angelo_Barbieri: We like to keep it realism friendly

Q: Can you expand on that?

Angelo_Barbieri teaching me how to suck eggs: Imagine if everyone was a made man, thats not realistic, there must be wiseguys as well!

QuackersFeatherbeak asked as a joke

Q: Can I ask why do you think so many people aren't getting promoted past Wise Guy

QuackersFeatherbeak: Huh huh, I dunno bro, huh huh, I won the lottery bud, huh huh, did you read about that guy, huh huh, yuck yuck yuck yuck

Conclusion - Are the books closed?

Answer: No, but also maybe. Probably. 

The voice of the common man, albeit via the medium of a vampire queen, says there are lots of reasons. Cadhla agrees and steers this erstwhile reporter towards the fact that most associates are grubby little beggars prepared to pick over corpses. Spike and Angelo_Barbieri suggest that a pragmatism is needed, not everyone can progress, who would pick over the corpses? Khamzat focused on practicalities and MiguelMorales wasn't giving anything away over the shaking of his maracas. 

Will the landscape have changed by Issue II?

HARTY AND LOTTERY UPDATE

There have been a few big earners this week and I wanted to shine the spotlight on them that they truly deserve.

25k HARTY - Winner: Unknown.

Nothing to really report on this one, no big pots and no big wins.

250k HARTY - Winner: Unknown.

Someone took down a 750k Harty at approximately 10:02am today. What will they spend their winnings on?

Credit Lottery - Winner: Shane_Stetson

Shane took down a whopping 16 credits from the MR Lottery this week. Congratulations, Shane! Remember your friends at the Hunter's Digest when you're looking at your tax position ha ha ha ha.

That covers all the winners for this week. 

The next draw is in around 3 days and 12 hours time. Good luck everybody!

WHAT'S HAPPENING AROUND THE COUNTRY

I've taken an arbitrary start point as at the date of the last 'big event'; the reverse Burgerhouse fiasco of Ranger and the stepping out of Antonio-Lanza from which we will recap. And well, nothing has changed. Once again the jaded regime leaders gathered around the table, stepped over their dead without a backwards glance and patted each other on the back. Craven and SantoRubio jostle lamely at the keyhole trying to hear what is being said over Spacepole apologizing profusely. Spike eventually manages to dig out the drawing board, sheepishly crosses out "Inactive Leaders Kill Yourselves" and then they stare, tapping their pencils against the tabletop, let out collective sighs and eventually decide it is all too much effort and just auth Riina again.

What does this do to the big picture? Rather than just toot our own newly diamond-encrusted horn after winning the lottery, allow me to recap the organized crime landscape:

Chicago

As mentioned, Riina (averaging a Dancing Clown Fiesta appearance at a rate of 0.009 per day and wearing a variation of the Chicago staple "if you don't finance me, feed me or fuck me" upon his person) has succeeded folding-chair supremo, Ariana in The Loop, CH. Spike has taken his 0 VIPs across his whole district over to South Side with him in stony, spiteful silence. 

Detroit

Jelly-Viterelli aka Jelly Belly, Jelly the Groin, Jelly the Schnazz, Jelly the Fudd, Jelly the Tuba, and once Miss Jelly Levine presides over Bricktown, ably supported by Giacomo_Parisi and his 4 members including twice purged and scourge of QuackersFeatherbeak, Lucy. Jimmy and born-again Main-whinger-cum-funeral-thanker Joe "I wish it didn't have to be like this, honestly" Ligambi are in Corktown. The challenge to prove they add more than NPCs continues. 

Las Vegas

Angelo_Barbieri, Marie and MiguelMorales are making up the numbers in Las Vegas. Angelo asked me to profile him in a revival of the famous "CL Review" series made popular by the late large FatGrin, after his meaty analysis of LoopCL (GRHS), but despite getting the nod in January, I'm still waiting for him to do something worth writing about. Miguel appears like some sort of Mexican (?) guardian angel with his dark eyes and...voice (?) apparently, ok...fresh from avoiding distance in New York to rescue Paradise from whatever Mokus-looking quagmire it has fallen into this week. What that translates to besides setting up and brooding in dark voiced silence until he's needed to shoot someone remains to be seen. Marie's mugshot scares me so I don't have anything to say about her. 

Los Angeles

Striphe gave a speech about moving to Downtown, Los Angeles and drew a crowd Transistor would have been proud of. What hilarious circumstance he will fumble the bag this time remains to be seen. xander has taken the bright and lucrative future for all he promised in Las Vegas (before quickly driving away and never being seen in public again) over to Hollywood with him. DarwinRoss has started a cult in Pasadena, so there's that. Will Striphe continue the proud legacy he thanked Joe Ligambi for leaving him in LA? The recently bereaved wonder if they will be able to give a eulogy to their loved ones before he barges in to thank the deceased he ordered murdered for their service, and NY Capos flee bathrooms in terror of the LA Swirly just in case. 

New York

Obscenely Low SantoRubio is ably assisted by Obscenely Low BlakeOakfield in postless Brooklyn, NY. Craven, not wanting to be outdone by his Chairman, has respectfully maintained the New York staple zero-output in the Bronx and hopefully now stopped telling anyone who would listen in private that he's anti-purge. Bucking the trend by default over in Queens are Scousepole and Shifty, who have the out of control QuackersFeatherbeak, former editor WaffleStompingChamp (what a dumb name) and prospective editor LuncheonEpiphany (more lunches than papers) to thank for their districts not having Tokyo and DariusMaglione's single business district visit each being the only contribution from the most densely populated city in the country. 

Philly

And finally, Philly. Cadhla is propped up by Ennis and Elimater5 so she can continue to make tame regime " announcements", which don't say anything, before quickly running back to the coffeeshops in time for a RAT being seen. At least the Business District is booming over there, moonlitopus was the last patron not shot for being a patron anywhere in the city back on the 23rd March. 

Big Picture

All the districts are occupied, so no more NPCs and absolutely no reason to spend anymore time in Chicago. Some shuffling of who goes where, probably in response to the recent changes regarding cooldowns, but otherwise largely the same old faces. Will anyone step out of the monotonous shadows and do more than occupy space? We'll cover that in Issue II - that follows Issue I - for anyone unsure on how this should work.

NEXT FOR THE CHOP - COMPETITION

In these troubled times, one minute you are minding your own business serving your family with loyalty and dedication and the next you're taking the long drop and Joe Ligambi's shouldering your Nana out of the way at your funeral to give the first eulogy, little chubby tenting the front of his pinstripe trousers in his haste. 

What better way to pass the time than a small wager on which sucker we think will be going for a swim next? 

I've got some candidates for consideration below:

QuackersFeatherbeak - Evens - A VIP staple and editor of The Duck's Bill. 32 days in the business. If he's been adding 20 kills a day to his gun, he's almost formidable. Hint hint. Has a wealth of enemies and I'm dubious Scousepole even knows his name. Favourite to die. 

Melancholy - 4/1 - This family tree is littered with retirements and loves a fit of pique almost as much as Adelin- likes the sound of her own voice. LHM is also a very difficult tightrope to walk in Queens. You just never know. 

SharpayEvans - 2/1 - 59 days old, 17 mails sent and not a public appearance on their resume. Previously represented part time mob boss full time traffic cone BillyMastrosimone who was recently butchered in circumstances unknown. 

Cooper - 4/1 - Drinks coffee and shoots RATs, two red flags that'll have regime sleuths rubbing their nipples with glee. General dweebishness and sucking up to Spike may prove to be a saving grace or an embarrassing anecdote at their wake. Outsider. 

SimonTheSwanHunter - 100/1 - You can't stop me. I'm going to rule this dump and sleep on top of a pile of scrunched up The Duck's Bills. Do your fucking worst. 

If I was going to bet, my money would be on Quackers dying next and if you would like to bet, I'll happily match any wager you want to lay at the odds listed. If you want to just say for fun why you think it'll be Quackers who dies, you will be entered into a prize draw for a SECRET PERK. Wooooooooooooo. The winner will be announced in Issue II. 

VIP POWER RANKINGS

It is important to keep track of who is delivering out in the public domain. The VIP list is probably the best measure of who is important and should be listened to and who should be disregarded as a dull waste of air. At the moment, there is an atrocity sat astride the list, but it still must be respected. Our collective failure in allowing this abortion to rise above us must be documented regardless: 

Top 15 VIP Posters
#1 QuackersFeatherbeak	#2 Mistletoe	#3 Shane_Stetson
#4 WaffleStompingChamp	#5 StripheCorelli	#6 MamaHope
#7 Lucy	#8 Garrett-Mitchell	#9 Cadhla
#10 GeorgeBorgesi	#11 Giacomo_Parisi	#12 xander
#13 DarwinRoss	#14 moonlitopus	#15 LuncheonEpiphany

The less said about the duck, the better. Mistletoe proudly representing the wonderful city of Chicago in #2. Good job, Mistletoe. 

Waffle slips all the way down to #4 - Shane_Stetson's leapfrogged him on the back of that big credit lottery win (see earlier story about this big news) - keeping StripheCorelli down at #5 until he inevitably loses his HQ in calamitous circumstances and his reason to visiting the Dancing Clown Fiesta altogether. 

MamaHope and her sad quote are in #6. Lucy's evisceration of Quackers puts her in #7, 5 more than purgings she has received, Garrett-Mitchell is in #8 and honestly after that I think we're scraping the barrel so deeply I don't want to summarise them anymore individually. Cadhla, GeorgeBorgesi, Giacomo_Parisi in #11 (7 more than members he has), xander, DarwinRoss and his cult in #13, moonlitopus and finally LuncheonEpiphany and her non-publication bringing up the rear. 

How long until SimonTheSwanHunter hunts down QuackersFeatherbeak at the top of this list? I say before next issue. 

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS 

THANK YOU FOR PURCHASING THIS ISSUE OF THE HUNTER'S DIGEST.

UNFORTUNATELY A PROBLEM WITH OUR CHOSEN PRODUCTION PARTNER HAS MEANT THAT THIS FINAL PIECE HAS BEEN PRINTED ENTIRELY IN CAPITAL LETTERS AND ALSO IN THIS HIDEOUS COLOUR IN PLACES.

PLEASE REST ASSURED THAT WE ARE NOT SHOUTING THESE ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS AND JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT WE APPRECIATE YOUR SUPPORT AS A VALUED READER OF OUR WORK. 

WE HOPE THAT IN THE FUTURE WE WILL BE ABLE TO AVOID HAVING ANY OF THESE SORTS OF EMBARRASSING ISSUES BY PARTNERING WITH BETTER QUALITY PRINTERS.

TO DO THAT WE WILL NEED YOUR DONATIONS, WHICH WILL BE GRATEFULLY RECEIVED. THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT.

Welcome to the Mafia Media game, SimonTheSwanHunter. Your paper was reasonably well-written, moreso than The Harold at least, who continues to publish mouthbreathing in print form. It's just a shame you've decided to enter the market at a time when the landscape is so completely dominated by The Duck's Bill, the #1 newspaper in the country, led by editor QuackersFeatherbeak (me), whose list of accomplishments include but are not limited to:

1. Lottery winner/filthy rich

2. #1 VIP

3. #1 seed in the heralded 'Next For The Chop' competition

4. War veteran

5. Never been purged, unlike FatGrin

Really what I'm happy about, more than anything, is that Shane_Stetson finally has something to read, following the public spectacle of his Duck's Bill lifetime ban. Good for him. 

Finally a great newspaper to read! The Harold was good, but The Hunter's Digest was quite informative and covered a lot of topics. Granted, I do have to give some credit to Quackers for his self-proclaimed newspaper, because now I have an endless supply of potty pads for my dog.

I would proudly support Simon's newspaper because he does good work. Simon, keep up the great work! You know your competition is getting scared.

Shane tips his hat to Simon.

When I like to sit down and read the paper, the last thing I want to do is a bunch of maths. I wasn't even one hour into reading this opus (I read slow) and already I'm expected to start adding numbers. I call bullshit. What are you, some kind of nerd? I better not see you on the hardwood.

Personally, I'm a Duck's Bill man. I don't like having to think too hard and The Duck's Bill fits my reading style. Please stop writing. You suck.

Definitely entertaining to read and a good way to start the day. Hopefully I wont lose my HQ this time like so many other times! Thanks for bringing it up though and the nice reminder, the day is still young so there is still time so we will see what happens. 

And here I thought slaying one of the worst Vampires to ever exist in this country was worth writing about, or that my head is worth 300 million dollars to some! Sir, retake Grin's "CL review" and make me the next review. Maybe I can sponsor a few other "CL reviews"...

Thank you for your kind words and generous tips for the debut issue. I will make sure that some of the funds raised will be set aside to ensure there are no more printing problems going forwards.

Speaking of printing problems, let me take a look at that list of your Quackers:

1. Lottery winner/filthy rich

2. #1 VIP

3. #1 seed in the heralded 'Next For The Chop' competition

4. War veteran

5. Never been purged, unlike FatGrin

There, much better.  

Based on a quick tally, it looks like Simon has gotten more tips on his first issue than our duck counterpart has gotten in all his issues combined. Quackers, see what happens when a newspaper actually does well? Learn from Simon.

That is all well and good, Stetson. He can have all the tips in the world. I won the lottery, so I really don't care. That was the whole point of Issue 5 but you obviously wouldn't know that, as you are banned for life and more justifiably so with every comment you make. 

When it comes to numbers, I'm not sure SimonTheSwanHunter is the savant he would have you believe. This obviously would have flown over the mind of ignoramous readership like Stetson but there is something seriously off here:

This is just 80% news and maybe 10% political commentary. The other 15% good humour which should be acknowledged as such. Onto the news.

This guy has rolled right past 100% without a second look and has the gall to question my math prowess? He can't even do fractions! As someone who publishes to a more distinguished, educated crowd, I'm proud to have much higher, more rigorous standards in my editorial process. 

QuackersFeatherbeak, if you ever make it back to #1 in the VIP Power Rankings (which I'll be updating in our next issue and I very much doubt that'll happen), you will need to be able to tell a joke from a faux pas. Yes, I had a publishing mistake where things became bright orange and 4x bigger than intended. An honest mistake that I'm seeking to rectify. I don't know what you guys consider "good humour" over there at The Duck's Bill, probably stealing other people's lettuce puns and making fun of bigger than average recently slain Wise Guys I would guess, but on this side of the popularity line, the one where people engage and give tips, we make clever jokes like having 105% of something.  Deliberately. 

What's next? Yeah, you got me, Sherlock Duck, it was actually more than 10% commentary too. Have you seen the kip of this guy, @Shan_Stetson? RufusWatchdog, are you seeing this? Honestly. As the most important VIP on the Streets, I don't want to have to issue any banning orders, Featherbeak, but don't think that I'm afraid to press that button if I have to. 

Game's Top 15 VIP Posters
#1 SimonTheSwanHunter	#2 QuackersFeatherbeak	#3 Shane_Stetson

I’m coming for your #2 spot, QuackersFeatherbeak. SimonTheSwanHunter has earned the right to be #1. Looks like your days of being the leading publication are coming to an end as well as your career in journalism. Sorry not sorry.

Looks like your days of being the leading publication are coming to an end as well as your career in journalism.

Delivered with all the charisma of a toilet bowl. Am I meant to feel threatened by this? I suppose these are the kind of dynamic, creative attacks one should expect from a reader of a paper with columns like "VIP Power Rankings". You plebs are so concerned about your arbitrary little pedestals. I'm unbelievably rich. I am way, way, way above all of this, perched atop such an intimidatingly steep mountain of cash, you'd need a sherpa for your sherpa just to catch a glimpse of me. 

Meanwhile, you've aligned yourself with a publisher who can't even add up to 100, and I've just added super-dead FatherMacklePenny's awful radio show to my growing empire. It's all gas, no brakes at Duck's Bill HQ. 

One Issue in and over 2.5m earned, even with glaring printing issues and jokes too sophisticated for hybrid second-placed ducks to understand. Meanwhile a measly $520,000 from your latest efforts, including $20,000 of mine given ironically. The radio show at $60,000 is likely a loss leader, Sandwich chow, nothing more. 

Shane comes from a very explosive bloodline. He knows a thing or two about what makes good content and what makes...fart noises and stolen vegetable gags. That probably goes over your head though all the way down in #2 position, like a solid percentage joke - because there is only possibly upto 100% of anything. Try not to copy that in your next issue.