THE DUCK'S BILL, MINI-ISSUE #6.25: LOTTERY FRAUD

SimonTheSwanHunter won the lottery over 3 days ago. However, the owner of the #2 newspaper in Mafia Media has yet to publish an issue gloating about it and rubbing it in everyones stupid faces, especially mine. 

Why?

Is this typographical inertia as good an indication as any of how The Duck's Bill so easily monopolized the Mafia Media market? 

Why hasn't he explained to everyone that they're losers yet?

What has he done with the money, if not invest it into his terrible newspaper?

What was his parrot-mouthed little sidekick Shane_Stetson's cut for following him around town all day repeating everything he said?

Is SimonTheSwanHunter even still alive? 

We can hope not. 

His behavior in the wake of these winnings has been an embarrassment to newspaper tycoons and rich people alike. FatherMacklePenny didn't die and leave me his radio show just to see Mafia Media run by timid, sweaty and weak-willed 'publishers' like Simon.

Being the boss is about being rich and flaunting it, and being a good journalist is about reporting about that truthfully and courageously. I have demonstrated both of those things ad nauseum, which is why The Duck's Bill remains #1 in the hearts of all but a few.

At our get-togethers, from which Shane_Stetson remains banned for life, my good friend and trusted ally RufusWatchdog regularly offers high-fives and encouragement to his fellow readers.

"Rufus is in a good mood and gives a
high-five to all readers."

At The Hunter's Digest release parties, Stetson engages in a contest to see how far up Simon's bum his nose can go before he stops breathing. 

100 million lottery winnings? There should be a 100 million dollar hit on this nerd!

Riina, what was your cut? I hope it was generous. I sent my boss Scousepole, who I admire and respect, over 10% of my take after my famous victory. Do you feel Simon's bashful behavior reflects poorly on you, a man who has made a name for himself as a cross-country purge-king with no regard for the personal sovereignty of the crewleaders your victims belong to? You have to have gumption to act in that role, as well as to accept occasionally missing and causing week-long reverse-Burgerhousing rogues, the actions of which spawn the creation of papers like The Duck's Bill (ie a worthwhile process). I cannot see Simon following in those footsteps at all. He's a bedwetter, for one thing. 

QuackersFeatherbeak, I'd like to thank you for another fine edition of the best active newspaper in the land.. and even more importantly, for being a true trailblazer with your naming conventions. The world may laugh now, but what does a duck care for the bleating of sheep?

How sad Quackers, you spend a majority of your time as a cheap tabloid at best when you have yet to produce a recent issue with actual news. And at that, inciting violence? Would you like to comment and clarify more on who you are wanting dead?

Ennis, thank you, you couldn't be more right. This is the best newspaper in the land, and I am a trailblazer. Kudos on your insight, as the heckler who followed - who, might I add, is BANNED FOR LIFE, from appearing in situations like these - seems to seriously lack it himself. 

Shane_Stetson, it is abundantly clear who I want dead, I thought repeating things over and over again was your gimmick but I'll indulge for a moment: I would love if someone wacked SimonTheSwanHunter. It would bring me an enormous amount of joy. More than that, you clearly don't know what news is, despite your many claims of expertise in the field of Mafia Media on account of having produced zero newspapers of your own, but everything published here is a courageously investigated, breaking story into Simon not having even taken one moment to gloat about winning the lottery, as any self-respecting Mafia Media publisher would. 

I'll respond to this in full another time. Maybe. Probably not, honestly, and who can stop me? You, QuackersFeatherbeak? Don't make me fucking laugh. I can do whatever I like now. I have $107,144,066 bulging out of my pockets like Ennis out of his cycling shorts when he hears a content-deprived newspaper hits the shelves. That's ok though, because I'm rich and if members were dollars, I'd have won $107,144,057 more than him last Saturday.

So, I'm extremely rich in fact. Obscenely rich even. I have 'fuck you' money. I could buy and sell this rag with a snap of my fingers. Hell, I could pay a disgusting tip-scrounger like you to snap my fingers for me and still have enough left over to buy up every radio in the country and never turn them on when you were broadcasting. I wouldn't though, because they'll all be off anyway for your next snorecast, but you get the idea - boringggggggggggggggg. (In case you didn't get the idea).

I'm the #1 VIP, as usual, and Shane_Stetson is my #1 pal. Your jealousy over our almost entirely platonic friendship is laughable. What happened to your boy EarlOfSandwich, eh? Snuffed out like an original idea at the #crewleader roundtable. Half of your readers wiped out overnight. Who've you even got left? FatherMacklePenny, probably. Speed-reading it looking for mentions of Kuku to have ugly wanks over and cry about afterwards. That's what The Duck's Bill is, a shameful masturbatory aid for dummies. And speaking of bad wanks, look at Ennis, hiding his embarrassing choice of reading material behind anonymity. Man doesn't even a VIP perk to his name. Pathetic. 

I'm out of here.

SimonTheSwanHunter lights his cigar with a $100 bill and walks off. 

EarlOfSandwich was a good man in pursuit of noble goals. I won't have you slander his name. The harrassment campaign against me perpetrated by yourself, the gleefully dead FatGrin, and Shane_Stetson has already resulted in a wack attempt on my life, and now a new threat has been made against my person:

04/15 19:21 Anonymous QuackersFeatherbeak $150,000 WACK this QUACK!

I know this wasn't you, SimonTheSwanHunter, because 150k is far too paltry of a sum to have come from a recent 100m lottery winner. But I can think of a struggling, lugubrious Wise Guy from LA who fits the bill. I won't say who but if you know you know. And I know. You know. We all know. It's a shame this anonymous heckler has resorted to these kinds of tactics but what can you expect from a man with such limited resources in contrast to such an enormous amount of rage and hatred for an innocent newspaper publisher who's only ever tried to keep the public informed. 

Hey look at that, you finally got something right - it wasn't me. I guess this was a bit of a gimme though; at this point I'm rich enough that I could pay everyone $150,000 not to hitlist you. I won't though because you're a rodent and I hope someone buries you. 

This rivalry between you two is fun. It's kinda unfair though, because one actually posts good stuff and the other is just here to pollute the streets.

Who is who? Well... I am not gonna state the obvious.

Lucy spit it out or I will write a very unflattering piece of truthful investigative journalism on you in my upcoming 5th unpublished paper.

This is not a negotiation.

Where is the fun in that Waffle dude?

Besides I am sure you can figure it out by yourself. I believe in you pal!

That's uncalled for...

Why am I banned?

Damn what a journalist. I think there is a saying for this.

If you can't beat them, ban them? Something like that.

All you've done is kill innocent trees to make the paper you write garbage on. But you are right. Your papers have their uses. They make very good training pads for dogs.

WaffleStompingChamp, I would like to fund that very unflattering piece of truthful investigative journalism into Lucy. I have a sneaking suspicion that her sudden, antagonistic and aggressive behavior is a manipulative tactic to divert attention away from her own nefarious doings.

What are those nefarious doings?!? We already know she killed FatGrin. What else has she been doing?