It was a fresh spring morning. The birds were tweeting in the trees and Deadly woke to fresh coffee and a cigarette. Everything was just perfect... or so he thought.

He left the headquarters and started to walk towards his car and sighed. As he scanned the cars parked around the headquarters he rubbed his temples. How on earth does he always do this, Deadly thought. He checked with the security detail who were guarding the headquarters and they reported that they'd seen and heard nothing. Damn that Poisonous Jelly.

Deadly got on the phone to the garage to have someone come out and fix up all the cars. He jumped into one of the cars (still without it's hubcaps) and headed toward the nearest coffee shop. Once there he met up with one of his trusted family to discuss the morning's discovery.

"It happened again. Jelly and his army of trained monkeys did away with all our hubcaps last night."

He noticed the ears of many people perking up around him and continued.

"We need to find some way of defending against this thievery. No more can the theft of our hubcaps be tolerated!"

A middle aged man with a cigar in his mouth stood up near the other side of the coffee shop, and began to speak...

"But what can we do?! Nobody sees him coming, nobody even sees him leave! How can we stop this menace to hubcaps? HOW?!" The man looked completely flustered and red faced, obviously exasperated with the situation.

Deadly stood up before replying. "We must work together to protect our hubcaps. Together we can pool our ideas, and implement some kind of hubcap defence devices. Please, anyone who is listening, share your ideas - help us to come up with some way of protecting our innocent hubcaps - any suggestion is welcome!"

Seeing someone stand up, Deadly sits down to listen...

I have one simple suggestion and that would be to park your car out side the local job centre, even better, on the far side of town there is such the building and to further cement this solution, there are no bins for dipping anywhere near, its win-win.

Being from the part of the world that PJ resides, this is the perfect combination to deter him away from such an area, as he has no interest in finding a job, in fact some he soils himself at just the thought, true story. It would also be a wasted trip as he would not be able to pick up his daily feast of left over, half ravaged, fly ridden food that the local alcoholic has left has a hand-me-down.

I hope this helps in your quest.

Cable ties. Such an ingenius invention would flummox the poor simple scouser. After tugging on your junk for a few minutes, pun intended, and getting nowhere with it, he would give up and move onto the next poor guy who owns a car.

Furthermore, you could simply park outside a Marks and Spencers store. This is uncharted territory for the standard scouse and it's very rare they go near such a store.

Cory Chase was walking down the street when he heard the word 'monkeys'. The word caught his attention so he continued his way in that direction. It was a local cry about the trained monkey stealing everyones hubcaps. Cory listened to the matter seriously and was appauled. Mokeys stealing hubcaps... what a pretty penny those can make you. Cory noded his head as he smiled and spoke.

"I think the matter is easy to resolve. Why don't we go ahead and remove the hubcaps ourselves. I know I may sound crazy, but if their is no hubcaps on our vehicles then there is nothing to steal. There will be a drought of hubcaps which might make the monkeys relocate to somewhere where there is a more heavy hubcap population. It is like drugs, you take it away from the equation and the monkeys will withdrawl and might even turn against PoisonousJelly for his hubcaps!!"

Cory thought greatly of the idea as he waited around to see if anyone else could come up with a conclusion.

WhereWasI sneaks up on DeadlySin and shoves some bananas down his shirt and laughs as the CL who refused to listen is wrestled to the ground by a gang of nearby monkeys. WhereWasI laughs at the fact people are finally coming to realize the issue at hand,

"You really think the monkeys care about a job center? No they don't, they'll take hubcaps and bananas from anyone. It'll scare PJ away, but not the monkeys.

The monkeys are carrying guns, how long do you think it will take for them to find a way to get around the cable ties? I'd say a day at most.

Finally, do you really want to hoarde hubcaps knowing they've killed Clyde for them in the past? They're too organized for that.

I've already offered to teach you all how to defend yourselves, but very few people came to my door. SO I'll say it here. Take down the Scouse Lord, and give the little bastard bananas. It's the only way! Down with the scouse lord."

A rugged gentleman approaches the coffee shop on horse back with a smug look on his face, he dismounts outside and tethers his steed to the hitching post outside before entering...

My good fellows! I hate to say I told you so... Don't you see, the world isn't ready for these contraptions, these motor cars... Do you know how many hubcaps I've had stolen? That's right DeadlySin, none! If you want to defeat these monkeys, do what I do! Buy a god damned horse, and do what that wise man once said... "Climb upon my faithful steed, then we gonna ride, gonna smoke some weed... Climb upon my big-ass steed, and ride, ride, ride..."

With that Marston exits the coffee shop, and climbs upon his faithful steed... To begin his 4-day journey back home...

smiling thinking of the mishaps of those monkeys she smiles mischeviously.  Thinking to herself she thought about a possible mythical race of creatures called Scousers, thinking hard she thought how they often could be trapped by placing traps with shiny objects, sweat pants and that new fangle dangle nylon outfits.  Knowing the almost mythical scouse liked hubcabs the same way she thought maybe the same traps could be used.

the only thing that can stop them if , we dont have cars with hubcaps.

No hubcaps no mokeys stealing them.

Johnny walks in, hands in his pockets. You here the change clashing as he rolls the coins around over and over. He looks around at all the concerned mafioso's and smiles. He cannot help but remember how it used to happen back home

This used to happen daily back home. Result? We all bought tricycles. Some people also hired midgets to keep their hubcaps safe. But all in all the tricycle was the safest.

I recall hearing of similar outlandish skulduggery whilst in conversation with others during my last visit to Harry`s salubrious brain dead bistro on 14^th street.

Tales of monkeys chattering and grinning and making suggestive signals of masturbation to passers by whilst levering off the best chrome finished hubcaps of parked sedans.

Stories of small ape like creatures, stood with their back to the windows of the best restaurants in town suggestively offering their oversized genitalia to the occupants.

Young kids tormented in the narrow dimly lit alleyways by the constant stream of warm, freshly ejected monkey pump showered upon them daily.

Old ladies standing in regimental order whilst awaiting their turn at the counter of the local post office would scream in horror as their incontinence pads were stealthily removed from between their legs and hurled at post office staff. Small gangs of monkeys would render the calm and ease of a Friday morning at the counters into a mayhem of blue rinse and putrid odour as the building would be awash with urine in minutes.

I will not go into detail regarding the condition of the local public outdoor swimming pool suffice to say that no man should be subjected to being force fed animal waste whilst taking a first breath following a particularly outstanding turn during a 500 yard crawl.

All I can say is this..........it starts with hubcaps. If nothing is done to police this unacceptable behaviour and return our streets to some sort of normality, then we all can expect to see an escalation of these outrageous primate performances.

They cannot be protected!!

For 2 weeks now, night after night I have sat on my doorstep watching my car, specifically the hubcaps, waiting for those monkey bastards! and every night seems to be the same, around 4am a man comes out of the family HQ with a cup of coffee to help keep me awake. Hes a nice enough fella, doesn't say much, quite poorly dressed and a face hairier than Santa Claus, but anyhoo I digress. So I take the coffee from his hairy paw-like hand and sit with him, drinking my coffee while I continue to wait...


Then the next thing I know it's the morning, the streets are busy, the friendly chap from the HQ is gone I am once again left without hubcaps. It's like they are watching me, waiting for me to doze off.

PJ is walking past the coffee shop when his ears prick up at the sound of the word hubcap. He smirks and steps in to the shop staying just out of sight to hear what everyone suggests. Happy that the last person has spoken he steps out from around the corner

Well well well... It was only a matter of time. Here is why your suggestions do not stand up to my skills.

Discos - Ha! For some time now I have earned enough money in the criminal underworld to not have to worry about the job centre. To me it is just another building for the cheap civilians of our world to make an easy dollar. So with that said, YOUR HUBCAPS ARE MINE.

Hazard - Cable ties? Really? REALLY? I am not that stupid! I always carry around the tools of my trade. Pliers included. YOUR HUBCAPS ARE MINE.

Cory_Chase - If you were to do this, you just make my job easier. Instead of stealing individual hubcaps from individual cars I just steal them from the one lock up from which you are hiding them. YOUR HUBCAPS ARE MINE.

WhereWasI - GET BACK IN YOUR CAGE.

Marston - Ahhh my friend. You have given me a new adventure and a new challenge. I have taken your horses shoes. YOUR HORSE SHOES ARE MINE.

Liza - I have trained my monkeys to spring such traps and if they get caught in said trap... Then they are easily replaceable! YOUR HUBCAPS ARE MINE.

SiCKNess - I'll take the car instead. No fucking problem. YOUR CAR IS MINE.

Simba - I like tricycles... My kids could do with them. YOUR TRI IS MINE!

Ramses - My monkeys are waiting for you outside and they are armed with poo. YOUR DIGNITY IS MINE.

WhereWasI starts looking around, there are monkeys everywhere with ropes and handcuffs.

Oh my God they're even more coordinated than before, all escape routes are blocked.

WhereWasI quickly runs over to a car and points his gun at the hubcap.

I don't feel like going back to my cage yet! Any of you bastards gets too close and I shoot the hubcap! Now clear an exit for me you stupid monkeys...

WhereWasI sees the monkeys starting to back away from one end of the street so he takes the hubcap off, still holding his gun on it he backs down the street. He sees Fozzie enjoying a lovely meal and he whips the hubcap at him striking Fozzie in the face. During the mayhem of monkeys and PoisonousJelly beating the hell out of Fozzie for the hubcap WhereWasI slips away undetected.

PJ just pointed out the monkeys arent the only one stealing.

He found out my plan, I want every car in THIS LOT.

SiCKNess walks away, to head to the nearest ford Mustang.As he hot wires the car he burns rubber in the monkeys face and , pulls off.

She grins mischievously as she remembers PJ's pranks the night before when she kicked his ass at checkers.

Ahem.. I have an idea. I have it on good authority that his kitchen is in dire need of redecoration. Due to some previous attempts at beautifying his home that he did NOT appreciate at all.. EVEN THOUGH I SLAVED AWAY FOR DAYS DOING THEM..

She coughs

Sorry about that. As I was saying, if you were to say threaten him with some lovely butterfly murals and rainbows hanging from the ceiling he may become paranoid enough that he has the entire city of Las Vegas surround his home. They wouldn't be out stealing hubcaps.. Problem solved.

She smirks and continues.

I hear he is partial to pink, lavender, mauve, baby blue, and the brightest yellow you can imagine. He likes unicorns and fairies as well.

She turns to leave and giggles to herself..

Maybe now he'll leave his pants on.

happens upon the meeting about hubcaps and shares his information

It's been over 12 hours now, I've looked and looked but there is no sign of any hubcaps. I don't know where he stashes them, but they must be around here somewhere.

I'll report back when I have more information as to the current wareabouts of the missing hubcaps.

Hazard - Cable ties? Really? REALLY? I am not that stupid! I always carry around the tools of my trade. Pliers included. YOUR HUBCAPS ARE MINE.

Pliers? You don't mean pliers, they're used for undoing tight bolts lad. Cutters, perhaps. Scissors even. Pliers wouldn't get you very far. I don't mean to interrupt though, you were saying about not being that stupid?

Hazard my dear lad.

Your forgetting one majorly important thing; While Mr Jelly, Lord of the Scouse, isn't stupid.. that doesn't mean he has any common sense! He often does things the hard way.

I think if you check the packaging for your cable ties you may find a piece of information with regard to reuse that goes a little like this;

"To open without cutting it, the ratchet box can be crushed vertically using pliers."

I don't know which notion I take less comfort in, one being that you had to read instructions on how to remove cable ties, or the second being that you took the time to look it up in a book - and found out how to use pliers to remove cable ties no less!

Each to their own. I still find it more likely that a flick knife would have been PJ's choice of tool for cutting cable ties, between cutting on people's faces.

I don't know which notion I take less comfort in, one being that you actually believe Fozzie can read, or the second being that you tried to show someone up after they showed your snobby remark actually made you look stupid.

Each to their own. I still find it stupid you have so little faith in the pliers.