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| The Duck's Bill Issue 11.4: Big News | Started by: QuackersFeatherbeak on May 21, '25 09:45 |
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The Duck's Bill Issue 11.4: Big News Loyal readers, In the time since my last issue, not a lot has happened. A Godfather-Chairman named Angelo_Barbieri, after months of achieving nothing of value or purpose, decided to turn on his allies - busy achieving nothing of value or purpose - and missed every shot, achieving nothing of value or purpose. Well done Angelo. As useless in death as you were in life. I'm sure this story may come as a surprise to many of you, despite having been here to witness these events, considering it's been over a week since they happened and you have almost certainly forgot Barbieri ever existed by now. I apologize for reminding you, and congratulate you on returning to a life 3-5 days from now where the response to the suggestion he was ever a crewleader, let alone a Godfather, in this regime, elicits the proper response of: "Who? No. No, I don't think that's correct". More than anything in this world, it is the Duck's Bill that continues to rumble on, despite our plethora of lemon-faced haters and banned readers, and we have a searing update of newly-banned names for you today, all selected completely at random. This is not personal, it's just the way it has to be. The banned reader list now reads as follows:
The mega-banned reader list now reads as follows: My condolences to you all. Please refrain from appearing at all future Duck's Bill releases, events, seminars, get-aways, vacations, and baseball games. |
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In other news, Father OMalley finally made the papers, despite continuing in with his 20+ year history of doing nothing newsworthy whatsoever. Most fowl Duck, most fowl. Now I’m going to actively read your raggy Bill, just to spite your ban. ‘Cuz you can’t tell me what to do. OMalley raspberries and walks away. |
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| Reply by: Father_OMalley at May 21, '25 12:29 | |
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Father_OMalley, you've been banned, I need you to move along. This newspaper is specifically published for the pleasure and enjoyment of not-banned readers. Unfortunately, on account of the ruckus being made here by a banned reader, I've just received a list of additional bans. sh0rty, MC_Hammer, Jimmy, and DariusMaglione are now also banned from reading The Duck's Bill and attending all Duck's Bill adjacent activities. The banned reader list now reads as follows:
The mega-banned reader list now reads as follows: |
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| Reply by: QuackersFeatherbeak at May 21, '25 14:04 | |
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"How Rude!"
Jeff says as he takes a drag of his blunt, he tosses the paper to the side with a smile on his face
"at least I was mentioned. but still I am one of the nicest guys in this peace, they don't want that other guy to arise. I just wanna keep it kool-aid . " Jeff thinks on the reason why, but obviously he is not in that loop so no way to just know out of thin air. "tsk!" "Well alrighty then . and I use to support this paper. shame. " |
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| Reply by: Jeff_Fort at May 21, '25 14:11 | |
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Jeff_Fort, it's not personal. These names are chosen completely at random. I have no say in it whatsoever. I pray every day that loyal readers, such as yourself or TomJoad, do not end up on the list. I beg a cruel and vindictive god that it doesn't happen. I would get on my knees, but I don't have any. And still, sometimes it does happen. It's a shame to lose you, Jeff. It breaks my heart. But you have been banned, so I'm going to need you to move along. |
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| Reply by: QuackersFeatherbeak at May 21, '25 14:14 | |
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"yup you say move along, I post up. so do you know my relatives. I have no reason to be blackballed , I make no decisions. I call no shots, all I do is help the ones that are overlooked such as myself. if not you then who makes the list, this should be transparent information. not blind blame and babbling, I am not the one for you to be accuse, better check my credentials. " |
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| Reply by: Jeff_Fort at May 21, '25 14:19 | |
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This is getting out of hand. Where is the justice in this arbitrary oppression? I have stated on many occasions that I appreciate that The Duck's Bill keeps out the losers like that guy who tried to kill Quackers and the riff raff like Lucy, but pretty soon I'm going to be the only one allowed to read the publication! With whom will I discuss the issues of the day, to wit: who has been banned and such? Worse yet, I could become one of the banned. That would be unthinkable. Quackers, as CEO of your media conglomerate, the information consumers of Cosa Nostra beg you to make some reforms. The velvet rope treatment is getting too heavy-handed. Justice for Jeff Fort. |
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| Reply by: TomJoad at May 21, '25 14:21 | |
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I don't know your relatives, Jeff. I'm sure they are very nice people. I hope they don't end up on the banned list as well. The last thing I want is for someone's poor grandmother to not have access to The Duck's Bill and Duck's Bill-adjacent activities. However, I must stress once more that this process is completely random. That means there is a chance that even your grandmother ends up on the banned reader list, and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. Or is there? TomJoad, you raise a good point. Word-of-mouth is famously the most trusted marketing strategy in the business. But if everyone is banned, there's no mouths to spread those words to. The spreading of words to mouths and of words from mouths and mouths with words is paramount to our operation. With that in mind, I've just petitioned our board in an emergency session to allow Jeff_Fort to be historically unbanned from The Duck's Bill. My request, however, was denied and the board have smacked Jeff_Fort down with a mega-ban. They have additionally chosen to add 3 new completely random bans to the banned reader list: KennyRusso, Joe-Ligambi, and Jeff_Fort's Grandmother. The banned reader list now reads as follows:
The mega-banned reader list now reads as follows: |
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| Reply by: QuackersFeatherbeak at May 21, '25 14:29 | |
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Jeff walks over to the local market, Grabs a jar and some eggs. walking over to the location where the quacktard was passing out his shit paper. He opens the sealed jar, pulls his pants down and blows a juicy shard into the jar and quick seals it. he looks over at the quacktard spewing his nonsense, and throws the glass jar at his head, with the slight spray off poo and magna fart floating around him. Jeff grabs his dozen eggs and continues to throw every egg at the quacktard he had. |
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| Reply by: Jeff_Fort at May 21, '25 14:50 | |
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Jeff, Jeff, I understand your frustration and anger, but throwing poop around is no way to get what you deserve. Have you considered speaking with an attorney? I'm just saying, if it were me in your shoes, I would hit The Duck's Bill with so many lawsuits they would settle just to save the legal fees. And I would settle for nothing less than 50% ownership of The Duck's Bill. If it were me, that is. I'm not suggesting you take this action and this is in no way, shape, or form a threat against Quackers or The Duck's Bill, nor is it to be considered an act of hostility. Please don't ban me. |
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| Reply by: TomJoad at May 21, '25 15:08 | |
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Could a sizable donation get someone off the banned list? |
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| Reply by: Kuku at May 21, '25 15:15 | |
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This type of wanton poop-related violence would have never occurred during the Great Commission, this type of obscenity was contained to the 12th Street Public Toilets. Oh, how the mighty have fallen and the times have changed. Gone are the times of great journalism, now is the era of shit hands. |
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| Reply by: Conqueeftador at May 21, '25 15:32 | |
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Not to fear Father_OMalley, I am not banned and this opens the opportunity to read aloud to you and Miguel and anyone else who is mildly inquisitive to the goings on from this Quackers rag. Happy to be of service! |
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| Reply by: Lena at May 21, '25 15:38 | |
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Jeff_Fort, that is just rude. I didn't wake up today expecting to see the RHM of a mafia family poo into a jar in public. Is this what the good people of Las Vegas are all about? Casting a quick and broad judgment, I'd estimate yes. Kuku, unequivocally, yes. Conqueeftador, what can an innocent but brave & courageous newspaper editor do in these times? I just report the facts. These people have been banned. Those people have been banned. That person's grandmother has been banned. And how do I get treated? With the likes of Lucy and Jeff_Fort melting down on the streets, throwing poo everywhere. |
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| Reply by: QuackersFeatherbeak at May 21, '25 15:41 | |
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Quit mentioning my name. You are boring and repetitive. |
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| Reply by: Lucy at May 21, '25 15:44 | |
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They say that in order to find the truth you have to wade through a river of shit. I didn't think they meant it literally but here we are nonetheless. Soon we'll see more and more wearing the brown armband, hands stained, and noses proudly unplugged. These movements start small, but once the gates are open there is no pinching it off early. |
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| Reply by: Conqueeftador at May 21, '25 15:48 | |
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Now that I've had a moment to reflect on Jeff_Fort's poo-toss, I think there's a side of this that will be a very welcome development to a significant sub-section of the mafia world: this may be the first humiliating public incident in a long time that didn't originate with a Ligambi CL or upper. Congratulations, Ligambi's! These are the kinds of developments you like to see in an environment most are complaining has become too stagnant. Way to step up, Jeff. Conqueeftador, your wisdom seems boundless. Would you like to represent me in court if Jeff_Fort sues? I'd ask TomJoad but he is my most loyal reader and I can't have him seeing behind the curtain. It would ruin the mystery. |
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| Reply by: QuackersFeatherbeak at May 21, '25 16:00 | |
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Thank you for you vote of confidence in me. I'm quite formidable on the basketball court and I'm sure that will translate well into the, much simpler, courtroom. You got a slam dunk defense. Let them sling their shit, nothing will stick. |
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| Reply by: Conqueeftador at May 21, '25 16:36 | |
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Can we please get an updated list of banned readers? Three days have passed already. For Christ's sake.
Think of how much can change in just a few days? Perhaps even I perchance hypothetically made it to the banned reader's list, and more importantly perhaps perchance that will hypothetically persuade Adelin- to potentially let me join her crew (literally, not hypothetically). |
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| Reply by: WaffleStompingChamp at May 24, '25 11:50 | |
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I didn’t read this, promise <3 |
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| Reply by: Adam-Sandler at May 24, '25 20:41 | |
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