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| The Duck's Bill Issue 11.4: Big News | Started by: QuackersFeatherbeak on May 21, '25 09:45 |
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I am mustering up all the energy I can to come out here to let you know this news has sucked all the joy out of my little pathetic life. Have you any idea what this has done to me? This must be some mistake. I am appealing to you to get my reading rights of The Duck Bill reinstated. Thank you in advance. |
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| Reply by: TheDumpTruck at May 24, '25 21:43 | |
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I will be sending around a petition to get TheDumpTruck reinstated. Quackers has lost his mind. Acquiring The Speak Easy Radio Show has made the power go to his head, as the first Mafia Media Mogul to have not one, but TWO successful news outlets. Nevermind that the Radio Show has broadcast nothing but crickets and the sound of static for a month now. It wasn't that good anyhow, at least in its previous version. I've been waiting to see what kind of magic Quackers can work to turn the horrible radio show into a mafia sensation, but he's too busy banning people. I see Waffle Stomper decided to show up, finally, speaking of dead air. To think I was once a reader of The Harold and now I can barely even remember the last issue. You people may not like reading about bans, but what choice do you have? It's all we have. It's not like Systematic Immolation of Gnus is going to make a comeback anytime soon, but you will probably see it before The RoboReport. And what of poor Jeff Fort? I would try to get him reinstated, but we only recently removed the poop stains from the windows. Nobody wants to deal with THAT shit again. Literally. |
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| Reply by: TomJoad at May 24, '25 22:10 | |
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On the contrary, I am more clear-sighted and purposeful than I have ever felt in my life. As BY FAR the #1 newspaper publisher in the country, it is exclusivity and exclusivity alone that will keep the riff-raff from mixing with my elite readership. Look at simpletons like Adam-Sandler, proud of his lack of curiosity into the happenings of the world, while he lives an ignorant existence supplied only by months-old Hunter's Digest and Harold issues. Who could respect a man like that? Who would willingly invite him into their readership? I'm glad the random ban protocols selected his name. It proves the universe is on my side. The question you need to ask yourself is, in this crazy, ruthless business, who else is capable of stepping up and reporting the news - nothing but the news - like I do with every frequent edition? Who is as brave and courageous as me? Who is as capable? Joe-Ligambi? If the history of the Ligambi organization is anything to go by, the first edition would likely find a way to kill itself within a week of publishing. The Duck's Bill is so highly-regarded because we go the extra distance. We report only the verified facts. The truth is our witness. And as a former tier one Delta Force operator, I dare anyone to claim otherwise. To receive those facts, however, is a privilege. It is a token of your survival of a completely random banning protocol that holds no prejudices or biases. It is a badge of honor. The ban machine has claimed 3 new random victims: Littlebite, Domenico and Petroleum_Jelly. YOU have been banned from reading The Duck's Bill and attending all Duck's Bill-sponsored and hosted activities. The banned reader list now reads as follows:
The mega-banned reader list now reads as follows: |
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| Reply by: QuackersFeatherbeak at May 25, '25 13:15 | |
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Darius had to make an unexpected abd embarrassing trip to a public bathroom. after a few,excruciating minutes he went to finish his business and suddenly discovered no toilet paper. looking around he sees a part of newspaper. he looks at it "The Ducks Bill"..."oh well beggars can't be choosers" and began wiping hoping not to get ink on his posterior. |
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| Reply by: DariusMaglione at May 25, '25 13:37 | |
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| DariusMaglione, your shameless lust for LuncheonEpiphany, who nearly published one edition of the Robo Report, is well-documented. Please move along. You are not welcome at Duck's Bill activities. | |
| Reply by: QuackersFeatherbeak at May 25, '25 14:59 | |
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Look, QuakerFatherBelt, I don't care how many times you plead with me, I don't care how desperate you are for my attention. I'm still not interested in reading your |
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| Reply by: Kaime at May 25, '25 15:38 | |
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Kaime, I'm not sure you realize how this works but you are on the banned readers list. That means I specifically do not want your attention or readership, so that's music to my ears. Please carry on doing exactly what I hoped you would. Your presence here is an affront to my sophisticated and cultured subscribers. |
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| Reply by: QuackersFeatherbeak at May 25, '25 16:17 | |
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Again, Mr QuispyWetFart, I recognize that you're desperate for the attention your mother never gave you, however, I'm still not interested in reading it, nor in giving you the attention your obviously desperately starved for. Please stop sending me copies and begging me to read them. My next message will be through my lawyer. |
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| Reply by: Kaime at May 25, '25 16:26 | |
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TheDumpTruck returns to thank and offer TomJoad a small token of appreciation. A loud thud could be heard when a huge trunk is carefully dumped off the back of the truck. This is not no ordinary trunk. It's not the torso of a human being, the trunk of an elephant nor the main part of a tree. She removes the tarp to reveal a vintage oak and snakewood trunk. This trunk contains many envelopes. Each envelope contains a very important document. This document is priceless. And as a token of my appreciation I will be forwarding one as soon as I load the truck up. Mr. QuackersFeatherbeak upon the immediate removal of my name on this shameful banned reader list, you may receive an envelope too. |
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| Reply by: TheDumpTruck at May 25, '25 17:37 | |
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Kaime, you are banned. You are NOT allowed to be here. Please go away. Lawyer-needing nerd. Give me a break. TheDumpTruck, you've successfully (albeit potentially temporarily) bribed me. I want in on whatever this envelope business is about. If these envelopes aren't everything they're cracked up to be, you will be swiftly re-entering the banned ranks. The banned reader list now reads as follows:
The mega-banned reader list now reads as follows: |
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| Reply by: QuackersFeatherbeak at May 25, '25 19:29 | |
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What a relief! I have not rested nor able to stomach food because my nerves were shot. I almost shit myself coming out here but no way was I going defecate in public. What a relief! Thanks QuackersFeatherbeak. I get that envelope over to you ASAP. |
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| Reply by: TheDumpTruck at May 25, '25 20:35 | |
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I think the significance of this latest turn of events should not go unnoticed. TheDumpTruck is the first to come back from the ban list. Others have tried their best, even flung poo in some circumstances, all to no avail. Congratulations, TheDumpTruck, on returning to the Land of the Living. And thank you for my "envelope". I was pleased with the contents. I hope Quackers was pleased with his, as well. I wouldn't want you to have to go through this all over again. |
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| Reply by: TomJoad at May 26, '25 19:01 | |
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I must say TomJoad the relief I felt being removed from the banned list was a very emotional moment for me, as you may have noticed when I expressed my gratitude. I have a tendency of tripping over my words when I am excited. The mere thought of me having to live through another ban from The Duck Bill for one iota second of any given day would suck the life out of me. I must be confident that I will remain as a proud reader of The Duck Bill. And perhaps someday become an intricate part of The Duck Bill. I see this flourishing with much growth. |
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| Reply by: TheDumpTruck at May 26, '25 20:00 | |
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YourNextWife was taking her daily walk and had noticed a newsstand with a copy of the The Duck's Bill. The headline grabbed her attention so she decided to purchase a copy. She took it to the clerk and paid for it and stashed it away in her bag to read when she got home. Concluding her walk, she sat down on her couch after she grabbed a fresh cup of coffee. She blew on her coffee before taking a sip and starting to read the article. Captivated by what she was reading, she finished her coffee without even realizing it. Wifey finished the article and then read an excerpt at the end. Scanning the list, her eyebrows furrowed and she threw the paper across the room. "WHY THE FUCK AM I BANNED? I DON'T EVEN KNOW THIS QuackersFeatherbeak guy!" She spent the rest of her day randomly bitching about being banned for no reason. |
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| Reply by: YourNextWife at May 27, '25 04:32 | |
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Very sad news folks. Our beloved QuackersFeatherbeak has been gunned down. TomJoad we must cancel the T-shirts. We are going to hold a universal fundraiser to raise enough to have a statue made of the great quackersFeatherbeak. It will be made from the finest marble. In light of this sudden tragic news I am stepping up in hopes that a kin of QuackersFeatherbeak gets this news and pays us a visit. The banned list remains as is with one change. TomJoad, you are temporarily removed from the list. |
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| Reply by: TheDumpTruck at May 27, '25 18:28 | |
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TomJoad while attempting to put the banned list in alphabetical order I noticed you were not on the list. Please accept my heartfelt apology. That was very inept of me. This is one damn good reason why I am not fit to be in charge. I pray a kin of QuackersFeatherbeak's makes an appearance. |
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| Reply by: TheDumpTruck at May 27, '25 19:17 | |
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