Hello!

Thank you for contacting the Swanfree Swansong customer complaints centre. Rest assured that we take all feedback very seriously and will do our utmost to resolve the issue as soon as possible.

Due to the high volume of incoming complaints, it may be that our response is slightly delayed. We apologise for any inconvenience this may cause and want to reassure you that we tkae qualty controel very serioisly and that the Swanfree Swansong stands for Excellence in Customer Service(tm).

A representative (not TFS) will contact you to resolve the complaint soon.

Kind regards,

WaffleStompingChamp, Senior Customer Support Consultant 

No. Never admit wrongdoing. Deny everything. The only solution to this problem is to kill LiamGallagher. You guys go ahead. I'll watch through the window.

Dear WaffleStompingChamp I have received numerous complaints about the way you handle things out here. You have been accused of numerous things namely:

1.

Due to the high volume of incoming complaints, it may be that our response is slightly delayed.

 Which makes us look bad.

To clarify:

We are working at full capacity and mugging left right and centre. If you've PP'd in our city, rest assured sooner or later you will be mugged. You may think you've gotten away with it but maybe while you are sleep walking we will catch up to you ad mug you.

2.

We apologise for any inconvenience this may cause

We apologise for nothing. 

3.

that we tkae qualty controel very serioisly

You have been warned previously as well to not come to work drunk because once you drink you are known to slur. This makes us look bad. We can't look bad.

Know that you've been warned and this is your final warning. Any more such failures will lead to your demotion to a mere Intern at the customer support desk.

Pivot off LiamGallagher for a second. Is it time to kill WaffleStompingChamp for the good of the crew? A number of nasty and false rumors have been popping up about how there might be someone ugly and inbred in the crew and I really think it might be him. 

Fanta thinks long and hard about the proposal made by UglyInbredGeorge and thinks to himself

Waffle made us look bad so I think it is justified, but he is not that ugly looking, or at least his feet aren't. I have proof after all. But do I want to admit it or shall I keep it a secret. Is there any other way to save waffle. What if we shift the blame on someone else. Hmm that sounds right. Let me shift the blame.

Fanta finally speaks

I have thought about your proposition UglyInbredGeorge and while I do agree that waffle is ugly, I do not think it warrants killing him. However now that you have brought up the topic my blade does lust for blood. So I nominate SimonTheSwanHunter to be killed. After all, it is all his fault.

Fanta slowly walks back into the crowd and disappears leaving everyone to discuss on the new proposal.

Whilst my friend and associate LiamGallagher might be one of the most boorish and uncouth Gentleman I've ever met (you know what I mean?), one cannot help but admire good scientific facts. 

Are we supposed to believe that Detroit, a city that so easily gets pickpocketed and ridiculed are capable of hunting and killing swans?

No no my friends. The facts are as clean and pure as a glass of the finest Elkmilk. WaffleStompingChump is the best of you, and that says it all. His innards have probably turned to spaghetti at the prospect of being murdered or fired.

Forgive my tardiness in attending here, I'm fresh off a wellness and relaxation pickpocketing retreat in Chicago where I came back $45,000 better off than when I left without even taking a scratch. Despite my good mood, when one of my peons told me that twice-tried-to-join-Detroit LiamGallagher was running his mouth about the ferocity of my Goomba army, I was consumed with rage. How dare such grievous insults be cast around without even a duel offer made to back them up? Then I remembered Liam was from New York, a place where the denizens were so offensive on the eye that I was forced to institute a 'no killing the ugly' policy, much to the benefit of WaffleStompingChamp, so that I didn't leave the place as a ghost town. 

As Liam has probably spent the last 30 years under a rock with Drieza and the rest of the boys cooking up new way get girls to look at them without pity, I decided to cut him a little slack and conducted a thorough investigation into his claims. I was disappointed to discover that some of what he said was true. I have no responsibility for twigs as he came with the HQ and is unwelcome in DT, so his failure is no surprise to me. The rest of Goomba warriors in my employ have shamed themselves and they know it. HOWEVER, and this is a big HOWEVER, not that we make excuses in Detroit, but it is also true that Liam's a shadowfucking coward, lurking in the darkness, dressed in blacks and masked up to the eyeballs, possibly to help his stealth and almost certainly to try and hide the infamously rancid facial contusions which scupper Queens finest and make UglyInbredGeorge look like an oil painting (albeit one which has heavily run), to increase his likelihood of success. 

I am therefore going to be measured in my punishment of these failed muggings. Liam's a dweeby little wimp who does his pickpocketing in the most emasculating way imaginable - "stealthily". Spits. Given this detestable practice, it would almost be an embarrassment to lay hands on him. Almost, but not quite. I'd prefer to have seen him nursing a concussion than a semi-on over his perceived success. So, on account of these failings and with consideration of the mitigating factors, I am only going to be levying 100% tax rates across the board on TheFatController and hope we learn from the errors of our ways. Eala, Bathsheba, Santiago, please don't make me punish TheFatController further. I'll do it if I have to. That man is going to be broken under the yoke of your mistakes if you don't up your game. Step it up, please and leave LiamGallagher in a pool of his own shit. They call that a bath in New York anyway. 

Liam, I have to admit that you strutting your way around Mug City trying to shame us like this takes balls. I’ll also concede that I find your toughness attractive, you’re a good looking guy. You’ve even been successful so far in this venture, as you probably are in all facets of your life.
 

And dammit that makes me really mad. The same way swans make me mad, those silly, innocent, beautiful creatures.
 

But so far you you’ve been picking at the low hanging fruit. Why don’t you come stick your hand in my pocket Liam? Afraid of a challenge? I’ll show you how they beat people off on 12th  Street.

I have no responsibility for twigs as he came with the HQ and is unwelcome in DT

Actions speak louder than words, SimonTheSwanHunter. The fact of the matter is, you've provided me with copious amounts of cash in the form of paydays. Twice every day since the second I joined this lovely crew. I am not one to quantify levels of appreciation in dollars and cents, but I have already amassed a small fortune all thanks to you.

Oh Liam, turns out your a big softie! It’s a shame all this hard talk was just that, talk. When met with a real Mug City challenge , you run away without mug in sight.

He's exposed. Kill him. Kill him now! Get him, boys!

While walking away Fanta hears UglyGearge shouting, asking people to kill someone. Upon investigating he can't help but chuckle. 

He stares as Liam runs away. 

Fanta wonders to himself, how can such a foul mouth have such a great ass.