Hello. Welcome to the first TBMRPGC status report. I will be releasing one of these to the public at regular intervals in order to keep the greater community apprised of the various goings-on and achievements of the TBMRPGC.

This will include brief summaries of our activities, as well as graded reports for each of our crew members.

Since we were just founded yesterday, there are no activities to report. Please note that if any activities were to have occurred, they would be better than any of the stupid activities that you would be doing in your own crews, with your dimwitted crewmembers. 

Crew Members - Graded Reports:

1. InnocentLambKofta - A sturdy, data-based, value-efficient RHM. 10/10 so far.
2. Arin - Nigh-mitochondrial in his brawn, vigor and potency. 10/10 so far.
3. NicoVoss - An exemplary recruit. Cast an early vote in latest crew referendum, establishing himself as a crucial voice in our democratic mafia process. 10/10.
4. JonBoutcher - Our most recent recruit. A police chief of some kind, who we hate as mafia guys, and yet still better than all of the terrible drooling yokels signing up for other less-good crews. 10/10.
5. Mt_Dew - Catalyst to a very interesting crew chat about glacier water, which everyone loved, and was certifiably better than any of the ridiculous, asinine conversations happening in other crew chats. 10/10.
6. AngelOfTheMorning - Joined up and immediately donated 2 million dollars, each penny of which reflected a spirit of generosity greater than anything found within the woeful assembly of cash, asset and mineral-poor crews presently operating. 10/10.
7. HeraldofBricktownCL - By far our worst crew member, which makes him only marginally superior to every outrageous buffoon currently stealing purses for other organizations. 10/10.
8. Chrollo_Lucilfer - Turned his start up money into a personal fortune within seconds. Showed more savvy and earning expertise in 20 seconds than any of the lobotomized apes doing jobs for your stupid crew. 10/10. 

What an exemplary organization. It's like watching Rome being built in a day. 

I would feel insulted at being fingered the worst of the TextBasedMafiaRPGCrew, but all it means is that I'm the worst of the very best, which doesn't sound so bad (and makes me feel less insecure) when put into perspective.

To illustrate:

Coming last place in the 400 meter sprint at the olympic games isn't so bad a thing.
Coming last in an advanced mathematics competition at MIT isn't so bad a thing.
Coming last in the hotdog eating contest at InnocentLambKofta's wedding isn't so bad a thing.

It still means that I'm a better mobster than you the other 195 lobotomized apes which make up our society, with the exception of LovesNothing of course.

Thank you TextBasedMafiaRPGMan for spreading the ghospel of our wonderful crew. Please send me my startup money.

Detroit delenda est.

Oct 26, 15:05:20     Your accountant has received payment of $100,000 from TextBasedMafiaRPGMan. The note "600% interest rate, compounded daily" was included.

Punctual as ever, boss.

These type of loan terms are exemplary for the EXCELLENCE that is required of TextBasedMafiaRPGCrew members. It's a gladiator's arena where only the strongest (and financially savvy) survive. I expect to be dead within a week, my throat stuffed with a rubber chicken.

Voss the boss, upon hearing the promise of official grading sternly furrows his brow, chews lightly on his trademark costume cigar and stretches the denim straps of his dungarees, causing a rather obvious wedgie - much to the vocal disgust of the growing crowd behind him.

"Voss the boss is honoured to be included in such a high calibre group, and humbled at such a generous performance ranking."

Adjusting his suit tie, and doing a light lunge to release the fabric caught between his rather odourous buttocks, Voss the boss nods towards the real boss and proposes a toast from the hipflask procured from his rather handy chest pocket.

"Long live TextBasedMafiaRPGMan and his gang of rowdy misfits. Charging into a commanding lead for best crew like a disgruntled triceratops."

What a fine motley collection we are here at TextBasedMafiaRPGManCrew Towers. Truly we are at the heart of the return to prominence of the Mafia.

I am overjoyed that all our 10/10 members can flourish for at least the next 29 days until the purging begins.

Most of the people now here will die at the feet of the brutal and tyrannical leader TextBasedMafiaRPGMan, first of his name. Whilst he rains down brutal robot punches and HQ wacks on everyone who follows him I will be cheering every step of the way.

As Right Hand I will personally ensure Arin dies in righteous fire as befitting his status as the lesser hand.

Furthermore I am delighted at my own rating. Facts will show I am the only 10/10 rated Las Vegas based RHM. #1 Spike Fan SoWeakWayne can only dream of such plaudits.

I am happy my prowess is being observed, unlike weak arms, small legs, big forehead InnocentLambKofta.

Speaking of.. I recently had a little jog session with him.

You PICKPOCKETED! InnocentLambKofta. You took $13,024.

Your latest pickpocketing victim chased after you, but was no match for your speed.

Your donation is very much appreciated Lamby.
 

Mt_Dew - Catalyst to a very interesting crew chat about glacier water, which everyone loved, and was certifiably better than any of the ridiculous, asinine conversations happening in other crew chats. 10/10.

15/10 is the only acceptable rating for the crews most handsome man and top earner to date. 

I wasn't allowed to join this family. Why?

You are lucky that I follow the 11 tenants of Omerta with number 7 famously being "Do no harm" or else I would put both you and your pet lamb six feet under the earth

and that is a promise

Incitatus, when you admitted that you performed our job "by accident", it became clear that you lacked both the requisite hand-eye coordination and tendency for dishonesty that marks a truly capable applicant to the TextBasedMafiaRPGCrew. You may apply again, if you like, or attempt to explain to me why I should allow a big banana into a family currently in possession of a record-breaking 10/10 average rating. 

Otto of course was in attendance at the status report announcement. On Otto’s lap sits his ventriloquist puppet George, who by some inexplicable phenomenon, is actually allegedly alive. Otto watches as his Boss TextBasedMafiaRPGMan speaks to a young man named Incitatus. Otto watches on in respectful silence until his attention is disrupted by an outburst from George.
 

George: This TextBased guy will accept literally any loser off the streets, he’ll even give some of them key positions in his crew like Right Hand Man, and this Incitatus guy can’t even get an invite. This is peak level loserdom. Here’s an omertà tenet for you… why don’t you go stick your head in the toilet and leave it there. Fuck off!
 

Otto: Now you knock it off right now George, the guy is just looking for a crew, just like you and I once were. Hey Boss, forgive me if I’m overstepping, but I say you give the guy a chance. 

Thank you Otto. And please, George, contain yourself. Maybe Incitatus deserves a chance. Can he pull himself up to a 10/10 standard? That's the big question. I'm sure some time spent shooting at our own forts under @InnocentLambaKofta's tutelage might bring him up to speed. 

In these trying times of pre-purging and rebuilding Mafia, I'm a bit wary of Barry Banana. AllegedlyInnocent (no relation) did threaten serious organised retribution against heroes of the war.

they've also managed to antagonize an entire army of offspring who are more skilled, more committed, more dedicated and more organized than the entire collection of groups now occupying these positions combined. 

Is Incitatus the start?

Should I take a pro wack just in case?

Otto nods at his boss’s wise words. His puppet George nods as well

George: Yeah, invite him TextBased! We could sit around the ol’ HQ and hurl shit at him like people do to monkeys at the zoo

Otto: Nobody’s hurling shit at anybody George.  And besides people don’t do that at zoos

George: Well how would I know? You never take me to the zoo. You stuff me in a briefcase at night and leave me in your musty closet

Otto: Never mind him, Incitatus. And my closet isn’t musty by the way. So what do you say? Think you’d be a valuable asset to our crew? The way you came out here and spoke to a mafia boss like that in the streets, it may not be a great idea to do, but I gotta say I like the balls on you 

George: You like his balls?

They don't call me Angel of the morning for nothing. While I do very much appreciate the recognition it is my hopes @InnocentLambKofta does not have me going to the basement for any reason. I don't like rats and bugs.

They say that history repeats itself. In the 1840s P. T. Barnum gathered human curiosities to himself and opened a museum of freaks and now a hundred years later @TextBasedMafiaRPG has gathered a gaggle of retards and is calling them a crew. When's the first show Text? I know that BazFulton is the performing midget and it's obvious that InnocentLambKofta is the dog-faced boy, but who is the bearded woman? 

Is that the sound of jealousy I hear?

Wayne saw a resounding 10/10 average blow the nips off this community and felt his peanuts quickly returning to the shell. Our strength has only grown since.

Otto - Expert ventriloquist, new owner and renovator of the Stargazers Lounge in Sin City. Essentially a 2-for-1 with the addition of his puppet, George. A 20/10 recruit.

I'm also pleased to announce the TBMRPGC has squashed its beef with associate Incitatus, who I expect to be joining us shortly. They're already referring to it as the Peace of Textphalia. 10/10.

Rayln - Expressed a desire to do absolutely nothing in her recruitment, namely avoiding petty criming at all costs. A powerful asset to have against the rising tide of try-hards like SoWeakWayne. 10/10.

I almost forgot BazFulton, likely because my eyeline didn't venture downwards. But there he is, loud, proud and on the ground. He's the angriest man south of your hips. 10/10.