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| Tea Time!: Issue Five | Started by: Frankiee on Aug 18, '08 21:16 |
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Tea Time: Gossip Tabloid Issue Five: Bitch, Get Out of My Closet You don't like us, and we sure as hell don't like you! Welcome to Tea Time, an all female run, written and edited (heavily-biased) magazine designed for passing on the most entertaining news to American Mobsters. Last week we decided to tackle the question of "Why are you so cruel?" or "Why are you all such bitches?". We answered these queries in two parts, the first part was shown last week in our title "Well-Behaved Women Rarely Make History". This week, we're following up with a part two to that question. So why (part two)? Using a phrase from the future that none of you have heard yet and I just so happen to be privileged to know because I'm just that fucking awesome, "NIMBY" would be the answer. What does this mean? "Not in my backyard". Now while this usually refers to the disgruntled members of a community stating they'd rather not see new things implemented or have changes done, even if it benefits them, we're twisting it to "BGOOMC", or 'Bitch, Get Out of My Closet'. In the sense of "Oh No you Di'int!" or any variation thereof, we're sick and tired of people getting away with things just because they 'can'. We're tired of people setting standards for others and not living up to said standards themselves because they 'don't feel like it', or because 'I can do what I want'. If you can, we can too. While most of our paper has a basis in the fictional, when we report on something real you have our guarantee that we have done as much research as possible into the subject, and will consistently give updates as to what is happening. So, bitches, get out of my closet. Meanwhile, get ready everyone, because it's Tea Time! Fuck-me pumps and short-hemmed skirts, Frankiee, Lily and Marietta Disclaimer: If you are wearing a bold or slanty suit, you WILL be the subject of many of our articles. If you don't like it, deal. It comes with the territory. **** New York, New York A Hell of a City Article by Reporter Black And it truly is. After The Mob Boss of New York took New York's business district under the knife and gave it a completely new face it's really the place to be. As you walk through the fine city your mouth will water at all the choices and once you leave you'll crave for more. Below is a little appetizer sampler of the top five businesses you will find in New York. Food of course! New York is famous for it's food and because there is such a diverse population of people there are a ton of food choices. As Pa'a presents to us with his little run down place on the corner of 5th and Maple Street. Pa'a Foods in NY isn't much to show for, but wow, you'll keep coming back for those home made tacos and All-American french fries. Just down the street you'll find Montiego's Pizzeria. It's a step up from Pa'as place, a warm smile greets you at the door and their Brooklyn style pizza is oozing with cheese. What more could a pizza lover want? If you are looking for a nice bar to relax with friends or impress your boss with a trendy place to talk business check out The Scummy Lizard. It's just a short walk from The Ritz hotel and serving up a wide selection of drinks, the Lizard is really the place to be. Welcome to Joop's. As you enter on a red carpet you can expect class from this place. There's a VIP room on the second floor, a dance floor and dim lights to really set the mood. Check your coat at the door and dance the night away. The Chocolate Menagerie owned by the lovely Vienna. "Tell her...you love her. Tell her... you need her. Tell her... you're sorry." Will catch anyone's eye as you pass by the store. Curious you step in and come to know the little shop is a chocolate gift shop. Whoever told you Vienna wasn't the sweetest gal ever was dead wrong. **** The Running of the Bull Can it Outrun the Pig? Article by Reporter Pot It seems that Scorch is at it again, people. With every rank comes bigger cajones, I guess. Or so it seems that's the way Scorch sees it. He seems to think his are the cre de la cre. Some would say untouchable, others foolish. In fact some of the people I spoke with even threw out the words, uninformed and unintelligent, not to mention wet behind the ears still. Let's take a look at some of the bold statements he's made over the past week or so. It seems that He is seeking out a battle with Flying Pig, RHM of the Java Cartel. He was seen arguing with FlyingPig over a speech made by Don Iris regarding ways not to gain entrance to a family. "If he has the testicular fortitude to mail you in the first place, then persist, that's the basis for a damned good member." Actually, I wouldn't call that testicular fortitude, I would call it insincere, and lazy. Not to mention the way it escalated into being disrespectful. Chalk one win up for Mr. Pig himself. Another argument be brought up was in the speech that Don Daera made regarding New arrivals. The point Daera was trying get youngsters and the like to understand was not to beg every leader for an invitation. Which is a damned good point. You research one, seek them out, tell them what you can do for them, and hopefully get an invite. If that fails, or the family is full only then should you proceed to a second choice. FlyingPig responded with a sensible reply to Daera. Scorch came flying in not too long after Pig and responded on Flying Pigs words instead of Daeras. Mr. Pig comes back with a response that he has been known to give people second chances and that he's not one to always shoot upon the first mistake like, Scorch was implying. What do you know, Scorch replied with; "Unfortunately, we digressed from Daera's original point, and moral of the story." Did you really? Funny how Scorch was the first to "digress". I wonder what Scorch will be up to next? World domination? It seems as though he has a bit of the Alpha Male Syndrome, which is fine and all, if you're actually the alpha male. To answer the question posed in the title. I think the Bull loses this round. Until next time... **** HEIDI, YOU BITCH, ANSWER THIS Our Advice Columnist Answers Any And All Questions Q: Heidi, The other night I was plucking my eyebrows and I accidentally poked myself in the eye. Can I tell my Boss that I got hurt on the job and collect workman's compensation? Or would that be too dishonest? One-Eyed Lady A: Wait, you poked yourself in the eye while plucking your eyebrows? Give me a moment while I try to imagine the scene. Hmm. I think maybe you poking out your eye was a good thing. If you got it while fooling with your eyebrows, maybe it needed to be scaled back anyway. At any rate, yeah, lie your ass off (it could use it). If your Boss is willing to part with a bit of case because you hurt your freakishly proportioned eye, why not? I mean, it's not like your Boss is the most upstanding person around, and you;re sure as hell no model employee. And if you get caught, I guess you die. So, really, it's a win-win. Everything comes up roses for Heidi Hoels, as per usual. ~~ Q: Dearest Heidi, Lately I've noticed that people have been shamelessly whoring their life stories in the streets. What the fuck is with that? And should I be doing it too? Clueless About Fads A: Hell if I know. Apparently, actually coming up with something to say is too arduous a task for a lot of folks around here. So they're spouting out a bunch of secondhand accounts of their fathers and fathers' fathers, and so on, right through the family tree to themselves. I mean, I know something is often better than nothing, but come on. If nobody gave a shit about your pops when he was alive, what makes you think anyone cares now that he's in a hole? As for your last question-- No. You're boring. As are they. Just no. ~~ Q: Miss Hoels, I am a high-ranked Mafiosi. No, I won't tell you who I am or how high ranked I am either. Lately people have been saying mean things to me, and disrespecting me in any way they can. Needless to say, my feelings and intellagance are hurt. What can I do to stop this? Love, Not TM-Scarface A: Oh, riiiiiiiight. Just like you've not got your not members not begging people to not join you. Anywho, some people just deserve it, chief. Not saying this is your case, really, but if the bra fits... Love and, well, I pretty much hate you all today, honestly. Heidi Hoels **** Where's the Bloody Tissue? What's Your Bloody Issue? Article by Reporter Black I was on my way to my favorite coffee place the other day I stopped by one of the new stands that littered the streets of New York to pick up a pack of smokes. As I looked around the stand I happened to notice a lonely issue of the Bloody Tissue shoved into the farthest corner. As I squinted my eyes towards the paper I could see that half of the letters were faded off the cover page. As the pack of cigarettes was tossed my way I pointed at the paper and told the man I'd take that also. I gave him my money and put the smokes in my purse, the tissue was more important. The first page was unreadable, the rest were okay. A little crinkled, but I was able to read the stories. Well, almost, I was able to read them if I had stayed awake. I almost fell asleep twice as I walked down the busy street. I decided to stop reading until I had my coffee so I wouldn't have an accident with a taxi over my face. Once I had my coffee I took a seat near the window and continued to read. I laughed a few times, but over all I felt more drowsy then anything. I had talked with a few of the guys down at the Bloody Tissue office and they seemed like smart, intelligent and humorous people. This got me thinking. I send out this challenge to the editors of Bloody Tissue. If you guys put out another issue the same day we put out our next issue of tea time, which will be next Monday; and your paper gets the same or more responses as Tea Time I will pay the Bloody Tissue two hundred and fifty thousand dollars. **** An Unholy Union Stood up at the Altar Article by Reporter Pot Friday August 15th, 8pm was supposed to be the date and time for two members of The New Scum Zulo and Oompa_Loompa were set to tie the knot in a secret underground ceremony. Something went very wrong though. Thursday night they set out on two separate bachelor parties, Oompa held his celebration in New York at a Streetbar Named Desire. Zulo held his at the famous Meat Factory in Chicago. The night would prove to be a testament of each other's fidelity and love for one another. While in the New York bar, sitting on the plush red couches having a grand time, Oompa waited for the rest of his party to show. Pouring in, ladies, gentlemen, and fellow loompas entered the room and gravitated straight over to Oompa. The main contender for Oompa's attention the whole night was none other than Scorch himself. He couldn't seem to detach himself from Mr. Loompa himself, buying round after round, shot after shot. He thought to himself "one more and he'll be all mine". A witness said he saw Scorch drop a white substance into Oompa's drink before giving it a quick stir and heading back over to the couches. Meanwhile over at Chicago's Meat Factory, Zulo was having the time of his life. Over indulging in the finest male strippers Chicago could afford. Well, almost the finest, since Alessia herself has been seen having said hot bodies catering to her in the wee hours of her headquarters. DrBunsenHoneydew kept buying Zulo lapdances and private dances in the back of the Meat Factory. Needless to say, I think Zulo has had enough meat to last him until at least next week. The next morning was a blur for both parties. Oompa woke up with a massive headache not recognizing where he was at all. Zulo awoke to find one of the Meat Factory dancers rubbing his shoulders in the bathroom. It was Oompa Loompa that stood Zulo up at the altar, but that's only because Mr. Loompa was seen in bed with Scorch on the night of the wedding. Could this be the end of rope for Zulo and his short time partner Oompa? Only time will tell, until then we will wait in anticipation. It will be the latest and greatest news to see if this ends in tragedy, or if they will get their fairy tale ending. **** Bragging Isn't Cool Especially When the Truth is Exposed Article by Reporter Kettle We have long been reporting that LargeHamster, former Don of Los Angeles, was killing off his family in order to gain leverage with a trained gun and feared reputation. After many different protests from many different cities, we are left to wonder, how far off were we? It seems we here at Tea Time were not that far off the mark at all. During the war between Chicago and Los Angeles, one of LargeHamster's Right hands felt the need to write a sole leaflet on the Don's kill count, and pass it out across the Streets in the Seven Cities. Luckily, one of our own editors managed to procure a copy and pass it over into my hands, where I took the research into account. Don Hamster managed to rack up ninety kills, by my count. Impressive, considering the duration of many a hitman's lists these days. Surprised, though, at some of the names I saw, I took the list to the God-Made City Hall. Of the ninety odd-names on the list, the Gods had only kept records back as far as forty of them. Using those forty names I came to the following conclusions: Of those forty names, nine of them were kills made during times of wars. Obviously marked with a different family tattoo, I ruled them out to prove my point. This leaves us with thirty-one names on record that were unclaimed. Of the thirty-one names, eleven were clearly marked as LargeHamster's own family. This means that 35% of the kills that were made were of his own crew. True, this does not prove my point at all, and after an initial bout of sadness I began to think. I began to wonder, what about the ones that were not clearly marked? What if some of the lower ranked gangsters were kicked from his headquarters and then killed without an identifying tattoo? What about the death certificates that City Hall no longer has kept records of? While most of this is conjecture at this point, with nothing left to prove, I gave up my research and went back to my office. What we have, though, is solid proof that eleven individuals of thirty-odd were killed, and it appears some were killed innocent and without reason. Needless to say, many citizens are thankful that the Slaughtering Hamsterbeast is no longer walking these streets. **** Seen and Heard Tea Time's Latest Famous (And Not-So-Famous) Mafiosi Sightings Daera, head of the New York New Scum, traveling with a band of muscians called the 'Country Bumpkins'. Left Hand to the Vegas Crime Syndicate, JohnnyPapalia, taking lessons from a kitchen maid on how to improve his English. From Chicago, StonedSilent, looking through the garbage cans outside La Famiglia dei Guardiani headquarters. Was heard crying "Throw out my pin-up girl stash, will ya?" and wiping back tears. TheGimp, resident of Las Vegas, seen stealing a loaf of bread from a local bakery. Later seen feeding ducks at a pond behind the Vegas strip. A Philly local, Flame, lighting fire to balls of yarn and launching them at cars passing by. Don of Chicago Alessia, seen speaking to Right Hand of New York New Scum's Vienna on how to become a member of the Church. Primo, a Philly citizen, robbing older ladies of their panties. Reported as stringing them up on his office walls to "spruce up" the place. From the Red Guard crime scene in Chicago, member Morph, sticking gum in the hair of several politicians and laughing in their faces about it during a business dinner. **** Deadlines Suck This is Not Filler Article by Reporter Heidi Hoels Another day, another dump of a town. This time it's Philadelphia, a city widely beloved for its, um... uh... well it's a city, OK? And it's beloved, for whatever reason. No need to go into details about it here. My guide, Raymundo, was pointing at someplace and saying something about Benjamin Franklin. Whatever. "Huh-huh," I said, "But why's it so... gray?" "Why's what gray?" He asked. "I dunno, everything. The whole fucking city is gray." "Well," he muttered, ticking nervously, "That building's red." "Hmph! Gray is a state of mind, and this city is as gray as they come." "What's your problem?" "What's my problem? Pardon me for not being bowled over by all the super-patriotic mystical history voodoo." "You're obviously just an uncultured philistine." He sneered. "Bitch, what?" Raymundo and I decided to part ways shortly after this. In the resulting farewell embrace, he lost several patches of hair and a molar. I myself was in need of a shoe with heel still intact, and a good laundry service. I hobbled for several gray blocks before finally coming to a store which carried the elegant footwear to which I was accustomed. Specifically, a certain brand (name withheld to protect from trifling bitches) which where not only beautiful and stunning in every way -- because shoes should always reflect the person wearing them -- but offered surprising support to my seven foot frame, for being such fragilely adorable strappy numbers. As I roamed through the boutique, making mental notes of which cute things would fit inside which parts of my purse, I was taken aback by a particularly horrible, yet wholly unsurprising scene: an old acquaintance of mine, the man they call "FlyingPig", fondling lingerie. I ducked instinctively behind a rack of blouses, and tried to stealthily maneuver my way around the behemoth of a man. But it was no use, as I had known the moment I saw him. For a man who draws such a comparison to portly barnyard animals, he's got a nose like a coyote. And he can smell very well too. It must have been the fruity daiquiri that Raymundo had ordered, and spilled, at lunch that gave me away. "Heidi?" He whispered to himself. I took my last shot at freedom, standing up and breaking into a half-run for the next department over. "Heidi! Hi!" I heard a tremendous clopping as his shoes met forcefully with the tile as he raced to catch me. I stopped and resigned myself to my fate. My head tried to dive from my shoulders. But, tethered by my neck, it made an abrupt landing against my chest. "Heya... Pig." I sighed. "How have you been?" He asked, eagerly. "Oh... you know..." "Yeah, yeah..." "So, I--" "Hey, you wanna-- You go ahead." "..." "I mean... if you wanted to say... hey, wanna get some coffee or something?" "I'm busy, Piglet. Really." "Oh, right. But, uh, maybe some other time?" "Maybe." "Maybe... soon?" "Pig..." "Alright, alright. So, uh, I'll see you around?" "Hmm." He turned back to his lingerie with renewed fervor, and I resumed my quest to the back of the store-- shoe department. I came upon it like the dawning of a new day. A day with shoes. Lots of shoes. But only one pair I wanted. I ignored the other shoppers and store personnel as I rifled through box after box, in search of my most coveted prize until, finally, I found them-- the only ones in the store. Sitting, opened, one shoe in the box, the other on Iris's left foot. Now, far be it for me to interrupt a Don while she's out on her weekly shopping trip, but my shoes are my goddamn shoes. "Uhm, excuse me..." I said, trying to interject myself politely. "Yes?" Said the employee, needlessly compounding a woman-to-woman confrontation. "Are you going to be purchasing these shoes, ma'am?" I asked directly to Iris, pushing the chump out of the way. "Why, yes, I do think I am." She said, smiling a genuine polite smile. Bitch. "you see, they're just like the one's I have, which I'm quite fond of, but one of them needs a new heel, and, well, I'm rich. I mustn't dabble around with shoe repairmen. Or, rather, shoe repairs." "Huh." I said, "Too bad, 'cause I want 'em." "...what?" "Yeah." I motioned towards my shoes, and the broken heel, "Great minds and shit. Gimme." "Look, I was here first and... do you know who you're talking to?" "Do I know who I'm talking to? Girl, I broke my heel off in a bisexual, you wore yours out street walking. Hand them over. Now." I have never been one for subtle social hints, but I sensed I had gone a bit too far. I believe it was the right hook to the nose, and then the sudden darkness that clued me in. When I came too, the Pig was hovering over me, a sick look of twisted concern on his face, as his boss stood triumphantly behind him, buttoning her overcoat. "Let's go." She said, walking calmly toward the front door. "Yes'm." Said the Pig, following, but not taking his eyes off of me until he backed into the jewelry counter. Then they were gone. As were my shoes. I steadied myself as much as I could and began the shameful walk across town to find another shop. I placed my hands into my pockets, as the dejected often do and found a torn slip of paper. There was an address on it, along with a written note: "8 p.m. Drinks, maybe more. Wear red. :O)" I scoffed as I crumpled the paper. I began to throw it, but something inside me made me slip it back into my pocket instead. I sighed and fell into the first bar I came across. **** Horoscopes by Tea Time Check Here to See What the Week Will Hold! Oops! The psychic on our staff wasn't too pleased after the last check we gave her bounced, so she took a small hiatus. After traveling with a circus for several weeks and gaining some extra cash, she's come back to us, ready to work! At least, we think she was ready to work. Seemed a bit off. Anyway, take a look to see what's in store for you in the upcoming week, Mafiosi! Pisces: February 19th to March 20th The fog that has clouded your mind finally clears up this week, Pisces. Congratufuckinglations. Now go buy a sawed off shotgun and do the world a favor by killing yourself. Aries: March 21st to April 19th This is not the week to be sitting around the house, Aries. Get outside. Play a nice rousing game of Hide and Go Fuck Yourself. Taurus: April 20th to May 20th Love is in the air, Taurus. Too bad you're too damn ugly to get any of it. Go on a diet. Curl your hair once in awhile, you fuckin' piece of trash. Gemini: May 21st to June 21st Family seems to be the center of your attention this week. Well, Gemini, hate to say it but 'nobody likes you, everybody hates you, go eat some freaking worms and drink yourself to death'. Cancer: June 22nd to July 22nd For those of you in the writing and broadcasting business, it will be a pretty hectic week for you, Cancer! If you're none of the above, then your life is meaningless and you may as well end it. Now. Leo: July 23rd to August 22nd Time to address the issues and get them solved. Or, you know, ignore them for another twenty years until your mother kicks you out of her basement and makes you get a 'real job'. Virgo: August 23rd to September 22nd Virgo, pay attention to your dreams. They reveal several secrets about yourself this week. What? Purple elephants and flying cotton candy? Wow, that reveals nothing more than the fact that you are an utter retard. Congrats. Libra: September 23rd to October 22nd Stop rushing through life, Libra. Think twice and think slowly. Never mind if you have to think twice as slow as everyone else because you're a dumbass. Scorpio: October 23rd to November 21st Social Scorpio! Looks like your engagement calendar is full! Did I mention everyone fucking hates you and you should just stay at home? Sagittarius: November 22nd to December 21st Don't ignore those offers that are presented to you this week, Sagittarius. Oh wait, what offers? HAHAHAHAHAHA. Loser. Capricorn: December 22nd to January 19th Capricorn, learning seems to be your gig this week. How about learning something that makes you reek less like shit and a little more like something pleasant? Aquarius: January 20th to February 18th Time to come to terms with the issues, master of the water. First issue: you suck. Discuss. **** Streets = Businesses? Darth Vader = Smart? Article by Reporter Black We come to the streets on a daily basis to discuss business, but not to set up business. City officials of Las Vegas have had enough. Darth Vader has set up a string of card board boxes in the middle of main street. "Where are we suppose to park?" "Can I move my business into the middle of the street, the people would run right into me, I'd always have a customer" The civilians scream at the mayor, while the thugs rejoiced, congratulating Vader on his establishment. The mayor is only letting the boss of Vegas get away with such antics as he's being paid off, but really if you ask any other mayor, TM isn't paying him off enough. These problems further bring out the fact that TM-Scarface has no control over his crew. What is the purpose of a crew leader? To guide and shelter their members. TM please do us all a favor and guide Darth Vader off the streets and into your head quarters with his help fliers. No one wants to visit the city of Vegas while bums and "wayward" souls sleep in the middle of your streets. You may also want to educate Mr. Vader on his educating. Maybe get him a copy of the mafia bible for his birthday. "But don't ask random people, or to use the drug tip" Don't use the drug tip? "Using slang and text speak is not acceptable.." Vader I think you are suffering from a bit of OOCitis, you should probably get that checked out. "I will not speak much more on this as it is best reserved for the family to teach you these ways." This whole thing is best used in your family. Run along Darth and go be the best hitsquad leader a shitty crew has ever seen. P.S. TM please take the Opportunity and take Darth's colleague James back to the headquarters with you too. You all need some grammar lessons and maybe a thesaurus too. **** Double-Crossing the Double-Crosser And Taking Care of Business Article by Reporter Kettle Czar. Needless to say, not many of us know who this man is. He is the Captain to the Don of Chicago, Alessia. The man seems to be Russian. And a few select who were present to witness his Street speech some weeks back know a bit about his childhood. Yet do many know about his secret side business of keeping secrets? We thought not, so we here at Tea Time are going to give you the scoop: Don Alessia has been known for nothing less than being a big drinker, big spender, and according to the late LargeHamster, a big double-crosser. Apparently taking a leaf out of his predecessor's book, Czar noted the bizarre relationship between Alessia and her once-captain, and has vowed to not meet the same end. Rumors that the man is 'hoping for the best' but is already 'preparing for the worst' have been confirmed by a close source within The Red Guard. Spending extra guns to have fellow mobsters teach him how to shoot his gun properly and teach him the ways of our world politics are just a few ways in which the Czar is making himself ready. Skimming on money transfers to the Don's bank accounts and keeping expert hitmen hush-hush are the icing on the cake. "He doesn't plan on attacking," the insider said nervously. "He just wants to make sure that he's ready for whenever she decides to hit him. After the hamster thing, (Czar) and his family are afraid they're next. If he's offered full auth, he said he's just going to decline." While not many outsiders have seen the similarities between the two relationships, we can only hope that history, in this case, will not repeat itself. **** Tea Time presents... Real Mobsters of Genius (Real mobsters of geeeeniiiuuuuuus!) Today we salute you, Mr. Experienced Hitman Old-Timer (Mr. Experienced Hitman Old-Tima!) You sir, are the most feared gun toting man in the whole wide world, though many think your age deters you. (Have you seen my false teeth?!) You're way past your expiration date, but you still know how to throw down with the younger generation. (I challenge you to a duel!) The good old days are fondly locked away in your memory, and you're keen on quoting them to newer hitmen as life lessons. (I had to walk uphill both ways in the SNOOOOW!) So have yourself a nice, hot cup of tea Master of the Gun. Many will admire you for generations to come. And then some. (Mr. Experienced Hitman Old-Timmeeeerrrrrrr!) **** Life and Times On-Goings of the Six Cities Engagements The rumors are not true, Premeir and Anne_Boleyn are not getting married. Sources say Anne had asked a friend of Premeir if he would be willing to marry her. The friend blatantly called Anne an ugly fat whore and slammed the door in Anne's face. Anne was seen at a public phone booth leaving a message at Premeirs house saying "I just want to hear your voice." Their are new rumors of Premeir taking out a restraining order on Ms. Boleyn. Divorce Zulo signed the papers to divorce his wife Ocelots-Griblit. Trouble came like a hurricane to their paradise. It wasn't even three hours after the wedding when Zulo found his wife in bed with another man, Oompa-Loompa. Not taking another second to think this over Zulo climbed in with them. Through the hours and hours of sexcapades, Zulo spent most of his time pleasuring Oompa rather then his wife. A week later Zulo and Oompa made it official and Zulo left Ocelots on the cold curb. Births JustinoFTW is a new father! His wife just gave birth to two baby girls last Friday night. They already look mostly like their father, mustaches and all. Deaths Premeir_Jr is the sad truth of the one night stand between Premeir and Lily. Lily aborted the baby late Saturday night. Well WhiskeyMan finally drunk himself to death. After him and his boss Daera hit up the shemales strip club down on fourth street Daera drunkenly dared his member to jump down a man hole. Neither of them knew this man hole connected directly to the subway system below. **** The Results Are In! Analyzing The Data From Last Week's Surveys We asked the hard-hitting questions and YOU provided us with the answers. The third compilation of results from the Mafiosi Weigh-Ins are, well, in! (Tea Time is not responsible for the responses on the surveys. We are merely the mouth-piece for those who are unable to stand up and say as they wish freely. If you have any problems with the results on the surveys, the only place you can really put your blame on is yourself. Neener neener neener.) Once again we would like to stress that these are completely anonymous surveys. We at Tea Time have no clue who wrote what on the leaflets. So feel free to spill your guts and help us get down to the nitty gritty! Last week our first question received an overwhelming response. Tea Time asked our readers, "Often times we will see a 'rogue' spring from a family when his/her Boss has died *during war*. When this happens, who is at fault for the rogue's actions?" The results are in!: after twenty-two votes in the span of a week it was decided, with 40.9% of the overall votes, that No One is to blame for a rogue during war. (Second place with 36.4% of the votes was "The Rogue Him/Herself". Click here for full results statistics.) Many seemed to agree on the point that when a person was trying to defend their fallen family, they were not technically categorized as a rogue. Wars seem to make some Mafiosi have different views of these individuals who purchase HQs during the midst. Some have said, "Someone see it a sense of duty to carry on the family until every last person is dead or safe. This is the way of the mafia in our world, and it doesn't seem to be changing." To see full commentary on this question, please see this leaflet. Next time you see a rogue during war, bite your tongue! The readers have spoken and no one is to blame for having a rogue spark during a war. Our second question last week was a little more opinion directed. We asked our readers, "Can an alliance truly exist between two or more Crew Leaders/Families?" The results are in!: after twenty-three votes in the span of a week it was decided, with 52.2% of the votes, that Yes, an alliance CAN exist between two or more Crew Leaders and families. (No was less popular with 47.8% of the votes, if you cannot do the math.) There were many reasons cited for why this was so, and you can find a complete list of said 'yes' write-in responses here. For those who said 'no', their reasoning can be found here. There you have it, current Leadership. If you have yourself an alliance, feel lucky, because according to our readers an alliance can exist! Our last question was an open forum question. We at Tea Time asked: "Tell the truth: what improvements would you like to see be made to our world within the coming weeks?" The results are in! A small group of people, only thirteen, responded to our Open Forum question this week, but the answers are still pure gold! Many improvements were shared as to how we can better operate our Seven Cities, and here they are: Improvements the people would like to see. Take note, everyone. Lets pull together and make this community great! So there you have it, folks! Be sure to vote on this week's surveys, and stay tuned for more future results! **** True Mafia Stories The Case of a Legend Article by Reporter Black It was a shitty day, the rain pounded the concrete outside the Don of Las Vegas' window. It spit it's wetness at the window glass as if it was angry at Animal for what he was doing, what plans he was going over. The plans to take out Jonnie Reese. The doctor was paid off, the funeral home was paid off, the pilot was paid off. Animal moved his finger smoothly down the list. A passport in the name of Alexander Krawl sat next to him, a few very large bills sat in his wallet and the bank foreign bank account was filled. Filled with enough cash to let seven people live off it for the rest of their lives in luxury. Animal was finally satisfied and called his most trusted men into his office. "This will be a quick take down, you will give orders to the men underneath you, take out everyone, but leave Jonnie for me." The men did not question their boss and left his office to go get their guys together. Animal got his own stuff together and turned off the light in his office, taking a long look at his office like it would be the last time he saw it before shutting the door behind him. It was a midnight take down. The only thing that gave Animal a little light was the moon that shown through the large window's of Jonnie's penthouse. He found Mr. Reese sleeping between two women, civilians. Animal swore under his breath. He strolled over to the master bathroom and knocked a few items off of the sink. He could hear Reese awake and tell his guests that he would see what it was. He could hear Reese walk across the carpeting as Animal raised his gun. Jonnie flicked the light on and looked straight down the barrel of Animal's gun. "It's time." The doctor made it official. The Mob Boss of New York was dead. Cries could be heard across the country. A hero, a legend had fallen. Many paid their respects at his grand funeral, others celebrated at their success and others spitefully grinned at their own personal jealousy of the man. A few days later Animal was spotted down at the airport talking with an man. This man had a beard, wore a top hat, his suit was worn, but his posture was respectable. Animal handed the man a passport, a suit case and pointed towards a small air plane on the air field. The two men shook hands and went on their ways, a smile on each of their faces. The strange man entered the air plane and tipped his hat at the pilot. "I'm ready whenever you are Mr. Reese." The Pilot announced. "I'm ready." The man said. "And from now on you can call me Mr. Krawl." The Pilot snuck back into the cock pit just as one of the flight attendants came into view. Her skirt was very short and her top was very low. Mr. Krawl grinned and came to the conclusion that the retired life was the greatest life. **** Extra, Extra! Read All About It! I Should Punch You in the Face! Rant by Reporter Kettle For the most part the Streets are a place where many a mobster can come together. We discuss the new happenings in our world, rejoice over auths and other decisions made. Yet it seems new fads have been springing up all over the place. One of these fads seem to be introducing your business: in a sentence or less. The past few weeks have seen many changes to our world, and I'm a big supporter of change. Hell, lets all jump on the change bandwagon. But every once in awhile we have to stop and think: what the fuck are we doing? As I walk down the Streets lately I am often hooked into a speech, only to stop and attempt to backpedal as quickly as possible. This often leads to me landing ass-first into a garbage can, but even sitting in rotting banana peels and used coffee grounds is better than finding my ears subjected to (and bleeding because of) another business speech. Trust me, I'm all for discussing and introducing your business to the masses, but I am becoming increasingly agitated by those who do a run by, tossing a flier into my hands, then taking off again with all-speed. The flier itself is even more irritating, only stating the business name, the business owner, and sometimes even what they actually are promoting or selling. "If you build it, they will come". Sure, they'll show up, look around and leave. Fuck that. As a business owner, you should know first and foremost how to market your product. You should have set goals that you make sure you meet. If you build it and put a little effort into it, you'll see better results. Sell your product to the people and they in turn will buy it. If this is a hard concept for you to grasp, then perhaps you are better off one, not running a business or two, if you are the stubborn type, not introducing it to the public at all. So please, for the love of God. If you're going to hand me a two-sentence sheet of paper detailing your "business", do us both a favor and keep it. At that point, I'm only acting as your middle-man to the garbage bin. **** Tea Time Gives Back To The Community Because We're Just That Damn Sweet What started as a tiny little paper publishing has turned into a full scale gossip magazine, and it's all because of you, readers! Over the course of the last week we have received an overwhelming amount of support in the form of compliments, kudos, sexual favors and most importantly, cash. Now we here at Tea Time are hardly selfish bitches, so what we made last week we want to invest back into our community. Namely, YOU, the reader! Last week we had a, well, handful of public praise (OOC: You posted in our thread with nice things, yay). What we here at our paper decided to do was put all the names of the people who did so into a hat, and we have drawn three names to be our lucky winners of cold, hard cash! The names were drawn, and the winners are: Syriana, FlyingPig (I don't fecking believe it!) and JMK! Congratulations to our fourth handful of recipients for the Tea Time Weekly Award. 50K will be wired to each of your banks shortly! Thanks again, readers, and be sure to praise Tea Time publicly. Who knows, you may be the next cash prize winner! **** Mafiosi Weigh-In: Anonymous Surveys Tea Time Needs Your Input! We, the editors at Tea Time, have decided it's been long over-due for the population of our Seven Cities to have the chance to speak their minds freely. This is why we have come up with a solution of sorts: surveys. Every week we'll ask you for your honest, unbiased opinion on three issues. All you have to do is take the attached leaflets and fill them out completely. By the time the next issue rolls around, we'll have the results tabulated and your feedback ready for public review. Best part yet, it's all anonymous! Here is this week's new batch of questions. Thank you for your participation, and we look forward to giving you a free forum for your thoughts! NOTE: We are only looking for constructive answers. Please keep this in mind when answering. (OOC: In character answers only. Keep the Out of Character attitude and egos checked at the door, thanks.) Weigh-In Nine* Weigh-In Ten* Open Thought Forum Five* (*OOC Note: These links will take you to a different site. Open them in a separate tab or window if you wish to remain on the current page.) **** We are gossip journalists. We will take any piece of information and embellish or twist it to suit our needs. If you are offended by anything we say, you are probably taking yourself too seriously. Any comments? Questions? Concerns or complaints? Feel free to mail any of the editors with your thoughts. If you are a female interested in guest writing for Tea Time, please contact us and we will set up an interview with you promptly. |
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Dear Tea time, I find it highly amusing that You Find yourselves Worthy to comment on OTHERS Grammar and spelling, when you can't seem to edit your own paper properly, Please spend more time working on your own spelling and grammar before you point out a few simple errors in others works -TM |
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| Reply by: TM-Scarface at Aug 18, '08 21:53 | |
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| pwnd. | |
| Reply by: Xavior at Aug 18, '08 21:57 | |
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| I read it... sorta. Good job. | |
| Reply by: Brutus at Aug 18, '08 22:01 | |
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| Tea time continues to be the highlight of my afternoon's. As always amazing work ladies I await next weeks! | |
| Reply by: DrFeelgood at Aug 18, '08 22:06 | |
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Thank you ladies... I have now made a mess on my desk. You see a copy of Tea Time was dropped off on my desk during my evening meal... I made the mistake of reading it while eating. I think I sprayed Flying Pig with mashed potatoes and gravy... The poor dear. Fantastic read! I appreciate your hard work. |
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| Reply by: Iris at Aug 18, '08 22:09 | |
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| Congratulations on another issue. I really didn't know people could come up with such sloop over and over and not hang themselves. But you have proved it can be done. Time was when people would flock to the streets to help others out and not just talk about random bullshit. I don't run a business, I help those new to the streets out. So setting up shop in a business district where maybe only a few of those new would see it would not help them out much now would it. | |
| Reply by: Darth_Vader at Aug 18, '08 22:12 | |
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Dear TM, Three or so typos in an entire publication, we find, isn't as egregious as fifty in a simple letter to one's mother. Or something like that. Love, The Editors. And Darth, I have my noose ready and waiting at home. No problem. |
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| Reply by: Marietta at Aug 18, '08 22:15 | |
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Reads his copy of Tea Time on his desk and tosses it aside Nothing about me and lions? Psssh... Looks at his gun Now how does this dam thing work? |
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| Reply by: Czar at Aug 18, '08 22:17 | |
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| Good job, ladies. This is the best thing I've read in a long time. Keep up the good work. | |
| Reply by: Silk at Aug 18, '08 22:26 | |
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A personal note and a public paper are different matters, one is paid for and expected to be perfect, While the other is aimed at one persons eyes only. -TM |
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| Reply by: TM-Scarface at Aug 18, '08 22:36 | |
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| As always my dears fantastic - hmm, think I'll pour another drink and toast you ! | |
| Reply by: Alessia at Aug 18, '08 22:38 | |
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Primo, a Philly citizen, robbing older ladies of their panties. Reported as stringing them up on his office walls to "spruce up" the place. I notice when I snatch older ladies panties, that they are bigger and can fill the office walls faster. But uh lets keep this hush hush, I like to tell the guys that their just panties from young ladies with ALOT of junk in the trunk. |
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| Reply by: Primo at Aug 18, '08 23:01 | |
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*She looks really confused. Glancing down at her hip flask she wonders if it's been tainted* I really don't remember any of it. I swear I was drugged! But it looks good in print. |
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| Reply by: Ocelots-Griblit at Aug 18, '08 23:04 | |
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Wow, five issues. You've pretty much decimated every publication since the days of the Tribune in the old country. I can't help but wonder what happened to the people who sang about how easy it was for them to bring the Tribune back after our fall. Where are you now? Sadface for you you C's. Nice read. The most entertaining thing to hit the streets since I stopped participating. I also enjoyed TM's rant about grammar in his wildly capitalised sentence. Thoroughly entertaining. |
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| Reply by: Camazotz at Aug 19, '08 03:13 | |
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Disclaimer: If you are wearing a bold or slanty suit, you WILL be the subject of many of our articles. If you don't like it, deal. It comes with the territory. TM, maybe you forgot to read that part. Carry on. |
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| Reply by: Lily at Aug 19, '08 04:19 | |
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Truly entertaining, as ever. Great job, ladies (and I use that term loosely). |
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| Reply by: OhCrap at Aug 19, '08 04:22 | |
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That was great to read i really enjoyed it alot, Cant wait till next one |
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| Reply by: PDiddy at Aug 19, '08 04:24 | |
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Each week I look forward to reading my copy of Teatime and each week I am not disappointed. Keep it up ladies, I look forward to see if the tissue will take up your challenge. |
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| Reply by: Giovanni_Moretti at Aug 19, '08 04:42 | |
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Fantastic Read again its a long read but its well worth it to see your sense of humor pointed towards so many. |
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| Reply by: EricCartman at Aug 19, '08 05:03 | |
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