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| Falcon's bad advice hour | Started by: The_Falcon on Aug 21, '08 22:15 |
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After a hard day's worth of non-legitiment work you sit down and flick on your T.V. Flipping the channels you come upon what appears to be a talk show. Interested, you decide to watch. The stage is pretty plain, and the area is well lit. The only thing on the floor is a large wooden desk. On the desk is a few pieces of paper, and what looks to be an expensive phone. Behind the desk, sits a large banner reading "Falcon's bad advice hour". With a small crackle from your T.V's speakers a ladies voice comes over the air..... "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the first ever showing of Falcon's bad advice hours! Feel free to call in and request answers to your very own problems. The_Falcon is very knowledgeable on many different subjects, and has heard just about everything. So fell free to CALL NOW! 1-800-Falcons-BAH. Once again, that's 1-800-Falcons-BAH." As the womans voice clears the air waves, a man in a black suit walks on stage and takes a seat behind the desk. You can hardly hear an applause over the overwhelming booing sounds. The_Falcon waits for the noise's to end and then starts to speak. "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to my first ever national showing of Falcon's Bad advice hour! First off I would like to thank you for tuning in today, and hope you enjoy the program! So without further ado, let's get to your problems....." "Caller number 1, how can I help you today?" **This is NOT an original production. The idea was permanently borrowed from Amsterdam** |
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Monty's voice comes over the T.V. for everybody to hear. "Falcon, how are you doing mate? I'm a huge fan. I want your advice on something, how do you silence the disrespectful son of a man who lost all his honor over the course of a single day?" |
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| Reply by: -Montiego- at Aug 21, '08 22:29 | |
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"Monty is it? Thanks you for your call today, you are the first caller to be heard on our national show. So your looking to silence this man are you? Well If I were you, (And it's good that I'm not) I would continue to talk to this man. Tell him how right he is, and play it off like your his friend..... Be so friendly that it becomes annoying to listen to yourself.... that should do just fine......... I hope. Alright, it is 32 past the hour and we will return with our second caller after a few moments..." |
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| Reply by: The_Falcon at Aug 21, '08 22:39 | |
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Anonymous viewer connects to the line Erm... Good evening Mr. Falcon. There's something bothering me for quite some time now, and even thou it's not something as important as the subject discussed by the previous gentleman, its being quite an issue for me for couple of months now... And my question is... Why after I've ejaculated five times with short breaks in between thru a all night passion session with my girlfriend , the sixth time it feels little trickier to do it? Thank you for your time and I'm anticipating your answer. |
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| Reply by: Kpacumup at Aug 22, '08 00:39 | |
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Well Mr. Kpacumup, yes that's right, I have caller ID. Now, this is not talk sex with Sue, so I cannot answer why you are having problems.... All I can do is suggest something to make your problem worse.... so I will try :) Ok, try this. When you first start your love making session, pretend you are back in jail with bubba. Continue to do this through all your love making sessions and you will find it hard to even get of your first load of "Juice". Then, your nympho of a girlfriend will leave you and you will no longer have this problem. I hope I was of service to you today sir. You see Falcon press a small button on the phone "Caller number 3, what can I help you with?" |
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| Reply by: The_Falcon at Aug 22, '08 02:15 | |
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Ya hi I am ummmm J from Chicago. My problem is that I can not seem to get the blood and brain fragment stains out of my good suits. Club soda helps, but I don't always have that on me. These suits are not cheap and I can't walk around in bloody clothes and im breaking the bank buying new suits everytime I ahhhh....cut myself shaving. Can you help? |
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| Reply by: JMK at Aug 22, '08 11:59 | |
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Absolutely J. There is actually a few things you can do to make your problem go away. Feel free to try any of the suggested items today. A) Buy an all whiter suit... In times of shaving accidents just tell people the suit was made that way. B) IF you would rather not wear a white suit with blood stains on it, try this. Buy the same white suit and wear it ONLY when you shave. Wear it until the the entire suit is nice and bloodied up and then wash it. Becuase A Bloodstain Is Orange After You Wash It Three Or Four Times. C) Quit shaving. Once again Falcon pressed a button on his phone..... "Caller number 4, what can I help you with>" |
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| Reply by: The_Falcon at Aug 22, '08 12:14 | |
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| "Umm, hi, it's Monty again, I have a real problem now, I followed your advice, now I can't get rid of the guy, he won't stop calling me, even when I'm with my girl, he just won't leave me alone, what do I do now?" | |
| Reply by: -Montiego- at Aug 22, '08 14:35 | |
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Same guy huh? keep talking man, he'll go away. Trust me :) The_Falcon clears his throat We will be back after a short message from our sponsors. |
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| Reply by: The_Falcon at Aug 22, '08 15:21 | |
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"Hello The_Falcon I love your show.Ok so I have this big problem Iv got two lazy eyes and cant threaten people all they do is laugh at me" *there is a loud crashing sound and antanoid shouts "shit"* In a calm tone antanoid carry's on talking "So what should I do?" |
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| Reply by: antanoid at Aug 22, '08 22:00 | |
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Well antanoid, it appears you do have a serious problem. If I were you, i would try this.... Get those fake eyeball glasses... the once with slinkys on them. Wear those around. This way you can threaten people, and instead of them thinking your not imtimedating, they'll just think your goofy. Trust me man! "And yes, what can I do for you?" |
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| Reply by: The_Falcon at Aug 22, '08 22:05 | |
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| Hello Falcon, i listen to your show all the time( OOC No fraking tv in the 30's, well not widespread anyway). I have a question for you, I got this chick hounding after me, but i think she has a man. What should I do about this? | |
| Reply by: Darth_Vader at Aug 23, '08 01:14 | |
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Well thank you for calling! Theres really only one thing you can do.... Find out! What's the worst that can happen? Go ahead, take him to dinner! I'll even buy it for the two of you! 'Ladies and Gentleman courtousy of KGVB, we will be sending this couple to a beautiful island in the Bahamas! (As long as we get that shemale out of this country we should be good) "And where are you calling from sir? Uh huh, and what can I help you with today?" |
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| Reply by: The_Falcon at Aug 23, '08 01:30 | |
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| Hello The_Falcon it's me antanoid for the second time. those glasses worked thank you but back on topic. my friend has this problem and is to embarrassed to talk to you so ill say it for him. I don't know why but he does random things like yesterday he put a gun up this ladies ass and she slapped him (he doesn't know why). Anyway he has two questions for you today and they are why did that lady slap him and how can he stop him self doing random things. The friend I am talking about is RichardKuklinski (but it wasn't me that told you that) | |
| Reply by: antanoid at Aug 23, '08 16:50 | |
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Well antanoid, There's a very good reason why your friend was slapped. His gun wasn't big enough. No woman likes to fuck around with a guy that has a small piece. See simple! Now, as to how to stop his random actions? This one is even easier. You see, all he needs to do is do something so random, that he realizes how stupid these things are. If you wanted to be a good friend, I'd loan him a gun (Loaded) and tell him it only has 1 bullet, and that hes too much of a pussy to play russian roulette! I can gurentee he will never do another random thing again! "And yes sir, what can i help you With?" |
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| Reply by: The_Falcon at Aug 23, '08 18:45 | |
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| Yessir, Mr. Falcon, I'm having a problem with my handgun breaking my fingernail everytime I pull the trigger. Sighs softly I have to have my gun but I don't have time to keep running to the beauty parlor to have my nails done. What should I do? | |
| Reply by: monroe at Aug 23, '08 19:05 | |
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iv gt this speech impediment fing, makes me tlk lyk sum kinda retard, n i rekon im gna die 2mz. wt do i do? |
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| Reply by: DaTxtMan at Aug 23, '08 19:07 | |
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Hello Mr... Falcon is it? Hi i have a problem with thinking things i shouldn't... Okay so i was at my brothers 5th birthday party and theres a bunch of kids, and someone was complaining about there being too much noise, is it wrong that my first thought was 'shoot the baby?' I'd really like to stop these thoughts, what do you think? |
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| Reply by: Telkin at Aug 23, '08 19:20 | |
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| Hello Mr.Falcon, My problem is this guy that work with is annoying and he never shuts up.How do I fix this problem? | |
| Reply by: Smokeytheduck at Aug 23, '08 23:07 | |
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Wow. Looks like I'm becoming a star, Alright..... Monroe, this is wat I would do if I were you.... Stop taking showers. This way, before you even aim your gun at the target they will smell you, and leave. Hence, you naver have to use your gun again. |
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| Reply by: The_Falcon at Aug 24, '08 01:17 | |
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