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| Tea Time!: Issue Eight | Started by: Forever on Sep 10, '08 00:07 |
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Tea Time: Gossip Tabloid Issue Eight: All Work and No Play Makes Tea Time Girls Strip You don't like us, and we sure as hell don't like you! Welcome to Tea Time, an all female run, written and edited (heavily-biased) magazine designed for passing on the most entertaining news to American Mobsters. We have switched Tea Time to Tuesdays. Why? I heard you all crying in your sleep on Monday night. Because, damn it, we like alliteration. Simple as that. So last week we issued a challenge to our readers and haters that was not met. And understandably so, of course. Last week there was so much fucking blood littering the streets we all seriously had to make a special trip together to get our shoes dry-cleaned. Either way, we would like to offer the same thing we dished up last week, so we're not skipping over the proper chance for you all to be hatin'. To all those that disagree with this latest edition of Tea Time, or Tea Time in general, I urge you all to write an article about us! If we receive more than ten articles, our next paper will be Tea Time: The We Hate Tea Time edition. Okay, lets try this again, guys. Now get ready everyone, because it's Tea Time! Oh, and no one die this week please thanks, Forever, Lily and Marietta Disclaimer: If you are wearing a bold or slanty suit, you WILL be the subject of many of our articles. If you don't like it, deal. It comes with the territory. Second Disclaimer: If you are alive, hell, even if you are dead, you MAY be the subject of one or many of our articles. If you don't like it please forward all hate mail to Heidi Hoels at Tea Time, c/o Marietta. Thanks! **** Jealous of the Posse Mean, Well Everyone is Mean Here Article by Reporter Black Now everyone, once or twice a day you'll hear someone complain about how our community has a clique problem. I want to set everyone straight today by saying we do not have a clique problem here. We just have lots of groups of collective people that are interested in the main goal, interests, books, sex (yes please) or sports team. Okay okay, so the groups are a little exclusive, but there is still hope for you. If you are feeling a little jock-ish you may want to go with the Fuckerish. That's Fuckerish Mob to be exact. A nice little group of men and, like, one woman really kicking ass out on the field, both at home and away. Next you have CP, who are undoubtedly emo. The group is small, weird and no one really likes them. They are also very hard to get into, but as long as you put out a front that you are a mean cunt and like to whine a lot you'll be a perfect fit. Moving on to United Nations, these guys are your basic nerds. Thick cut glasses, big black frames, tape in the middle at the bridge of the nose from when they get beat up and their lunch money stolen. Now it may not seem like a good group to join in, but these peeps are hella smart. Really, Einstein move out of the way. Everyone loves a good tree hugger, but if you would like to be best friends with one join up with the Manovanni's. They like to make everything coated in sunshine, rainbows and unicorns. Now if you are looking for something a little more hardcore, but don't want to put a lot of effort into it and you are basically stupid, join up with Wise Guys Inc. Each member of this posse runs around like they are the shit, when in reality, they just smell like shit. If you are hot join with the unfriendly hotties also known as the Tea Time editors. These girls will give you a wild time, but if you don't play by the rules you'll end up dead. Just look at that slut Chantelle, she's now living six feet under. For those religious freaks out there you'll find a good home with DRPS. Maybe you are looking for something that is respected, like the honor students of RPE. They really keep to themselves, but smart as hell and usually pretty friendly. The RPE group has been a little dormant, but I wouldn't be surprised to see them come back from wherever they have been. Iron Fist would fall right with the burnouts because well they sort of burnt out. Another group that you may have fallen off the side of the earth would be the Who-errs. You'll see them pop up once and awhile, but for now they fall in the stereotype of girls who eat their feelings. Once you do pick a group to hang out with stick with it. They are like gangs, seriously, if you try to back out of one of them they'll kill you. Then they'll kill your next of kin just for giggles. You can make friends outside of the clique but they'll be frenemies. (What's a frenemy? An enemy that acts like a friend.) You'll also run into the fraitor (a friend that secretly hates you) which can be some times called a mean-em-aitors (which doesn't derive from anything, I think it may be one of those mid-west slang words). **** War is in the Air It's On, Like Donkey Kong. Article by Reporter Pot Earlier this afternoon I was hanging out in the coffee shops and I heard something a bit disturbing. I heard that Daera-Don of The New Scum was planning on taking out Marietta-Consigliere of The Riot!. It seemed pretty serious, and it was all over a little thug who Lily happened to swoop up first. Sorry that Daera is getting slow in his old age, but The Riot doesn't plan on letting go of NotTheThirdDan anytime soon. Is he or isn't he? He says not, but his actions say otherwise. Is NotTheThirdDan a descendant of TheThirdDan of the old country? One that a few people might have journal recordings of. It was reported that Lily heard this news and provoked Daera a little bit, in sort of a "neener, neener" type of way. To which he responded "I killz you". Lily flew back with the same retort, she's not all that witty at times. Anyhow, Lily's former boss, Daera was now quickly becoming enemies and she had to think fast. What he didn't know was if he warred and took out The Riot, then Poor little NotTheThirdDan would be left helpless and vulnerable to the vultures we call hit men. Chances of him surviving until Daera could claim him were slim to none. Therefore if Daera wanted to see him alive, he would have no choice but to want to keep The Riot alive and well. In your face Daera, looks like The Riot will be around for a long time. Sorry your old age has prevented you from picking up the latest and greatest thugs and gangsters these seven cities has to offer. Much love though, better try next time! **** Ashes Ashes, We All Fall Down One Drink too Many Drives a Don to Death Article by Reporter Kettle Don Alessia of Chicago may not have been everyone's top choice for, well, anything, but I'm sure we can all agree that the woman led a very exciting life. Bursting onto the scene as a bright-eyed, very experienced thug for Don Animal's crew, she became first the Right Hand to the man's then Captain Leadfoot. After suspicion of her and the man in charge of the sub-family plotting against other leaders, his post was removed and Alessia was returned to her former sleeping quarters. The lady then, at the rank of Made Man, finally got her big break. During a contest for open auth in Chicago, one where all the other contestants mysteriously were manipulated into killing one another, Alessia was the last (wo)man standing, and received the keys to her very own city. From there on the woman impacted this world in various ways. Many thought she started out strong, making an attempt at having an active street presence and creating a family that grew quickly, only to have ninety percent of the HQ Wacked a week later by an ill-appointed, trusted Right Hand. After that misstep the Don regained her momentum for the family but lost her passion for the public, and turned to what many discovered later as a heavy drinking problem. After many accidents, questionable auth appointments and slurred street speeches the woman seemed to make an effort by getting herself into a strict rehab program. The counseling and sobriety took hold, but alas it was not to end. Reportedly the eve after killing her own former ally and auth, LargeHamster, Don Alessia began once more to drink heavily. In the last few weeks of her life the woman retreated to the deep recesses of her HQ, only coming out to speak once in awhile with a feisty temper or beer stained business attire. Though many wished she could remain stable, a few from her own family convinced her in her drunken state that attacking the Don of Philly, Iris was to be a good idea. Not only did this result in her death, it resulted in that of her Captain Czar's, their entire family, as well as her ally StonedSilent's and his crew. We here at Tea Time want to take a moment of silence for this Don, who through her many antics filled our papers to the brim with a variety of entertainment. Our paper has watched her grow to Don, has chronicled her entire battle with alcoholism, and now we are sad to bid adieu. Good bye, Don Alessia. Forever shall you be missed, forever shall you be remembered. Fear not; you shall go down in the Tea Time records hall, even if you don't show up anywhere else. **** HEIDI, YOU BITCH, ANSWER THIS Our Advice Columnist Answers Any And All Questions Q: Heidi, Last week my Father and the rest of his family died. I would like to take revenge on the people who did this. How can I go about getting a good plot? Thanks, Need-Yo-Help A: Wow. Stream of consciousness much? Anyway, you can find a nice plot for your father by contacting your local cemetery and asking for their... Oh. You meant... Well how the fuck should I know? I'm just a disembodied lady-spirit. I mean, hell, I couldn't even manage to steal my Boss's mascara without getting my throat cut (Marietta - That was bullshit and you know it. Bitch. Oh, what, you're going to dig me up and kill me again? Whatever.) So, my advice? Talk to Prem, I guess. He's a total killwhor... mercenary. Send him a letter explaining your situation. Use small words. ~ Q:Miss Hoels, I hate when people die. How can we change that? - Boo-Hoo A: Interesting question. The answer is, as is invariably the answer to all things, gambling. Statistically speaking, if you place large sums of cash into "death pools", you will be disturbed by an exponentially lower number of deaths. The rest will be money in your bank account. Failing that, read the Bible. If that doesn't make you hate people, then nothing will. ~ Q:...Heidi... I know you slept with my husband, you dirty little slut. You better watch your back or I will hunt you down and tear your eyes out with rusty nails. - You Bitch A: You'll have to be much more specific than that, honey. Is this husband in question the tall guy with green eyes? The strong bear of a man with dark hair? The small yet agile redhead with the beard? Or are we going back to before this week? Wait a sec... Shagggyd, is that you? I didn't know they called that "marriage" these days. But oh well, times will change, might as well change with them. But I guess we see whose the bitch in that relationship. Dandelions and peppermint, Heidi **** Dating Advice From a Gent Your New Main Man Article by Reporter Black So who is this Prem guy and what does he think he's doing turning all the poor, lame and pathetic men of our streets into smooth players? This is the question the ladies at Tea Time would like to know. It was up to Forever to take the under cover job as Marietta was being swooned by a secret admirer who happened to be taking lessons from this Prem and Lily was being impregnated by FlyingPig, who may also be getting a few pointers here and there. Forever tried to get a hold of Prem by first looking in the phone book, nothing, then she tried asking around, still nothing. No guy would give out Prem's information to her since she was female. So she took one for the team and went undercover. Forever was in New York and heard word that Prem was in the city, she stopped in at Don Daera's house, telling his maid she was his booty call and plunged into his closet. Where she found a lot of woman's outfits, which really didn't surprise her, Daera liked to play dress up with some of his visitors. Finally she found a pant suit that fit her well, put on a fake mustache, wrapped her hair into a bun and covered it up with a hat. She looked at herself in the mirror and thought that she could pull off a well dressed paper boy. Well it was now or never, Forever left Daera an IOU card on his bathroom mirror and went downtown to the first bar she came across. It just so happened to be A Streetbar Named Desire. Forever took a firm seat at the bar, opened her legs and hunched over. She roughly ordered a drink, hard alcohol, in the deepest voice she could pull out. After taking one sip she grumbled to her neighbor about how she wasn't able to catch any of the dolls walking in these streets. Asked the man if it was just a New York thing or if it was all the women in this damn country. The man next to her smiled and pulled out a card from his suit, handing it to her. Guess Forever could pull off being a guy, she didn't know if this was a good thing. Either way she was getting exactly what she was after. The card was a simple cream colored with only a name and a number on it. Prem_is_Sexy 555-2378 She looked at the man and he quickly confirmed it by telling her this guy could help anyone pick up the ladies. Forever finished her drink and went back to use the pay phone. She nervously dialed the numbers, if this guy was as smooth as they all played him up he may figure out that she wasn't actually a guy. The phone rang and rang and rang until finally a voice said Hello. It was quick and sharp when he asked who it was and she just said it was a lonely guy looking for some action. He gave her an address and the amount of cash he wanted for his secrets. Told her that he'd drop the instructions off tomorrow morning at the coffee shop Molson and she'd drop off the $300k for it in exchange. Forever woke up the next morning excited and nervous. He probably wouldn't be at the coffee shop, but if he was her cover might be blown and she might not get the stuff she wanted. She was so close, she had to at least try. Stepping into Molson she could instantly smell the rich fragrance of coffee beans being roasted. She walked up the counter and almost ordered what she usually ordered, but then realized a man would not order that. Forever pushed 300k across the counter and the barista grinned giving her a straight black coffee she had ordered and an envelope. She took a seat in the back and opened the envelope only to find one piece of paper. In a quick small letters read: Nice try Just as she looked up she saw a man smirking at her. It must have been him, Prem, she couldn't do anything except gawk at him. Literally, her mouth fell slack and she almost tipped over her coffee when she was finally able to pull her eyes away. Forever was just about to rush over to him and ask for a private interview, but the barista walked over to him and handed him the envelope she had given for her coffee. He then picked up the newspaper that was in front of him and walked out of the coffee shop. Forever's undercover event was unsuccessful. Prem is still a mystery to the Tea Time girls. The things they do know about him is that he gives away woman advice to anyone that is willing for a fee, a very large fee. It works though, guaranteed, but maybe not for you. It's rumored that if you go after a girl that you are interested in and his advice doesn't work for you, he'll show you that she is able to be asked out. Next week you'll see your dream girl out with Prem. So if any of you men that are reading this have some women troubles look up Prem_is_Sexy. **** Poem Found in Streets Millions of Un-intellectual, Robotic Wise Guys Fear End of Days Article by Reporter Pot Seems as though Rorschach is up to no good running rampant through our streets. He came out the other day, not of the closet, but carrying a soap box with him. He proceeded to put it in the middle of the road. Seriously, who does that? We could only hope to see a car drive by, not paying attention, and hit his sorry ass. Sadly, we were mistaken. This Boss out of The New Scum decided to read a poem he said was passed down from his grandfather, then father. He decided to recite it in the middle of the street in case anyone cared to read it. Guess what Rorschach? No one seems to care! Well, four people did, it looks like. Are the others too scared to talk about it? Has Liam_The_Mute been seen harassing his fellow Mafioso with the mentality "if I can't talk, no one can"? His poem stated things about just knocking over 7-11s in order to become Made into their family. It then went on describing how we should work silent and hard for the family. Yes, we should definitely work hard, but not silent. What we are supposed to do according to Grandpa Rorschach? Well, we are supposed to just knock over 7-11's and pay tributes to the Boss. I actually agree on paying tribute to the one who essentially gave us our life. I don't think that we should be quiet and sit on the sidelines having to get up every few minutes to rob whatever was nearest them. We should be doing so much more then that in this community, making a name for ourselves and sometimes being entrepreneurs or even working inside the family on other matters. Now, I know that being outspoken might not be for everyone, but we should be anything but silent rankers. We can only hope to see if the ink blob we are supposed to imagine as a picture will give us another one from his forefathers journals. Maybe next time it will be something on playing nice and acting like everyone is your best friend. I mean that is how the mafia works after all, isn't it? Hopefully he won't make us take any tests. We should all be fine until then. **** WTF Rant by Reporter Sugar There is an old Italian proverb that says, "The mother of idiots is always pregnant." Those words must've been said after a mafia war because that's when there's idiots crying on every street corner and in the coffee shops. Some of the idiots are entertaining, but most of them are as irritating as mobsters with the stoned jester tattoo (I still hate you fuckers). Why in the hell is Joe Mafia knocking up whores during a war anyway? Sadly, we might never know the answer to that question. We'll just have to put up with the idiots like we put up with a gay relative and think, "What the fuck?" Several things happened during and after the recent war that ranked as high on the 'What the fuck?' scale as a mute Don. At the top of the list was an idiot complaining his father didn't get a whisper when he was killed. Maybe he would've felt more respected and loved if he heard, "Fuck you. You're dead." as he got shot, but no such luck. The hitman probably didn't even cop a feel, pat his ass or give him a cookie. Hitters are stone cold heartless bastards, as they should be. A close second on the 'What the fuck?' list are the warmongering group of idiots who wanted to see a war between Iris and Alessia. Now that it happened they say their bloodlines are leaving this thing of ours because all the leaders left are friends. You got what you wanted and now you're leaving? What the fuck? Please, we're begging you, send your sons and daughters to work in our seven cities. They can do what you did best, bitch and complain and start rumors that start a war then bitch and complain some more about people dying. Show us your bloodlines are good for nothing and will continue to do the same shit over and over again. In the 'What the fuck? You're always poor.' category is StripheCorelli. Why is this guy still walking? The people he owes money to should've broken his knee caps a long time ago. Word on the street is he pays off his debts with sexual favors. No wonder he's always walking around with a smile on his face. The only guy luckier than Striphe is Caligula, who inherited Kangaroo's harem of women and collection of middle fingers from every Mafioso he killed. Kangaroo's son, Mikado didn't dispute the loss of his inheritance. His bodyguards are sexier than his father's harem and he started his own collection of souvenirs from his victims, their dirty boxers. Is Nothing Everything? Guns or Butter? What the fuck? Thanks to the people who said everything has been talked about before our streets are now cluttered with shit. Yaya described the recent speeches best with his words, "I have absolutely no idea whatsoever what the fuck you're talking about." His drug induced confusion continued the next day on the streets when he asked, "Are women just better?" Better than men in bed? Of course they are, just ask Iris and Marietta. **** Mooortaaaal Kooombaaaaatttt Battle of the... Under Bosses? Opinion by Reporter Kettle Iris this, Daera that... blah blah blah. Every day in and out all we hear, see, live and breathe are the Leaders of our fine cities. Of course everyone neglects to realize that they couldn't (and wouldn't) be where they are today without those two sexy things we like to call their Right and Left Hand. ...Not like that, you perverse assholes. I meant their Underbosses, their second-in-commands. The people who call the shots when the Bosses themselves are not around. Ahhh, we on the same page now? Grand. I thought I would go ahead and give these twelve lovely people their fifteen minutes of fame, allow them to share in the lime light by simulating an imaginary, based off of reader votes only... RIGHT AND LEFT HAND DEATH MATCH! That's right, folks. Have you ever imagined all of these people in a boxing or wrestling ring together? No? Well, we'll do that together. As they will not be actually competing, all you have to do is vote for your favorites. The top two contenders from each category will compete next week for the ultimate, Tea Time Death Match Award, valued roughly around $200K. Either way, folks, lets get this thing on the road! Here are your line ups: The Right Hands CarbolicSmokeBall: Kicking off our RH section is the scrappy CarbolicSmokeBall. He's young, he's idealistic, and he packs a mean right hook! Currently he is employed with the Pickle Posse in Chicago. Though only a thug, he'll be sure to blow the competition away! Forever: She's short, she's innocent, she's cute- but she's anything but cuddly! This gal will kick your ass with one glare! Right Hand for The Riot! in Detroit, she will 'Forever' have the opponents begging for mercy. Denver: Named after a city, this outspoken young man knows which way to travel in the ring! Working with The Scoundrels Captain Crew in New York, Denver will fight as scrappy as the crew name implies. Vienna: This darling will have your heart in a vice, as well as your balls! Straight out of New York from the New Scum, Miss Vienna is ready to get down and dirty. ...In the fighting sense. FlyingPig: He's loud. He's opinionated. He's so downright scary I just shit my pants thinking about him. It's FlyingPig, straight out of Philly's Java Cartel! Though age may deter him he has the knack for making the unbelievable happen. That's right folks, PIGS ARE FLYING. Mikado: Chilling with The Mocha Syndicate in Philly this man is a real killer. No, seriously, he'll shoot you. Can the opponents dodge his bullets of fury? Only time will tell... Put down your vote for the Right Hand you want to see win the Death Match Fighting challenge here! The Left Hands -You-: No, not you, -You-! This little lady might be confusing but she's real handy with a flame thrower. Hanging out with that Pickle Posse from Chicago has taught this gal a trick or two, and she's ready to beat in some fellow Left Hand face! Lily: She's sweet, she's lovely. She even begged not to be included in this. Too fucking bad, Lily! Working with The Riot! in Detroit, Lily will be sure to charm her way out of this one... somehow. Monk: Wise and calculating, this monk will run circles around everyone else in the ring! Working with the New Scum, he'll take this playing level to all new heights... and lows. Hyperbole: He talks a big game, but can he cut it? Yes, he can! The man carries around a flipping sword! Straight outta Compton- er- Philly, this man will make sure that his skill in the ring is not exaggerated! JackSparrow: Yo ho ho, a pirate's life is what you'll be wishing for after this guy is through with you! Ready to rumble and sauced on rum, this Mocha Syndicate member will shred you to pieces! Bogey: I once saw this man kick a baby. No joke! And a baby is what you'll be crying like when you try to leave the ring! This New York native is ready for the show down... the question is, is everyone else? Put down your vote for the Left Hand you want to see win the Death Match Fighting challenge here! Remember to vote, folks, and stay tuned for next week's final round of TEA TIME DEATH MATCH! **** Seen and Heard Tea Time's Latest Famous (And Not-So-Famous) Mafiosi Sightings Left Hand for the Pickle Posse, -You-, stealing cement shoes from a local hardware store. Detroit citizen Primo, arguing with an owner of a sandwich shop. Was heard saying "What do you mean I don't get likeness rights?! The f'ing sandwich is named after me!" JackSparrow, Left Hand to Captain Caligula, parading around the Philly Town Square holding a bottle of rum. Was rumored to be singing something about Pirates. FlyingWig, member of the Java Cartel, trying on toupees after noticing he was starting to grow a bald patch. Member of the Scoundrels, Bogey, sticking his cigar into a young man's scotch in anger after losing a hand at poker. From the New York New Scum, atruesoprano, auditioning for the local opera house. Was heard singing, well, soprano. Caligula, new Captain of the Mocha Syndicate, rescuing a box of kittens from a burning building. Citizen of Philly, Banshee, screaming at a parked car for 'being in her spot'. **** Depravity Has a Growth Spurt Why, God? Why me? Article by Reporter Heidi Hoels "Heidi, you lazy corpse," the telegram had said, "Get off your decayed ass and do something." This was from the Tea Time offices and, obviously, I was not dead. I had merely been forced into hiding in the underground due to certain... debts, which I'd really rather not discuss, I mean, look, I was young and stupid, OK? Since I hadn't turned in an article for the last issue, it seems they thought it appropriate that I be assigned two subjects. Caligula and Shagggyd. I was in for a hell of a week. I got my agent (yeah, I have one of those. jealous much?) on the phone (yeah, got one of those too), and had him get to work on booking the meetings. Nothing weird this time, just plain-vanilla mano-a-sexqueen interviews. Meanwhile, I started looking for ways of traveling to and between both Philadelphia and New York in a matter of days without killing myself. Luckily, I was saved from this ugly fate when my agent called back with an astounding bit of news: "I think I can get them both at the same time." He said. "What?!" "Yeah, Caligula and... the other one. I think I can get them at the same place, if you;d rather do that to save time." "Oh, of course... but how'd you...?" "Dunno. They practically offered when they heard about your plans." "Hmm. Considerate." "Something like that." I could almost hear him smiling through the phone. Nice fella. So it was settled. I would take on Caligula and Shagggyd, both at the same time, in some dive motel in the middle of nowhere. Whatever, it meant less work for me. When I arrived at the Discreet Sheets Motel, Caligula was stood outside the entrance to the reserved room, intently smoking a cigarette. He tilted his head in a nod of recognition as I approached, and let out a sharp cough as he drew the smoke into his lungs. "Eww," I said, "Smoke much?" "Only when the mood's right." he replied with a smirk. "Uh-huh." "You probably shouldn't--" He tried to interject before I could knock on the door, but was too late. Panicked scuffling had already started in the room. "Uh, just a minute!" Came the voice of Shagggyd from inside, "I'm... uh, I'm counting a bunch of guns and drugs and money and stuff!" Finally, the door was jerked open, and there stood Shagggyd, clothes ruffled and ill-matched. He moved aside allowing me to enter the room, followed by Caligula. "Just out of the shower, Shag?" I said, stepping gingerly over a soggy towel on the floor by the bed. "What?" Came his reply, "Oh, sure... I mean, yeah, something." An odd sweaty musk filled the room, and just seemed to hang there, none too anxious to fade mercifully. "Want some tea?" Asked Caligula, "We have cookies too." "...I'm fine, thanks." "You sure? We're having some." "Yeah, you guys go ahead." Caligula went to get the refreshments from the room's mini-kitchen, while Shaggy rearranged the furniture to be more conductive to a formal interview. When Caligula returned, with an extra cup of tea "just in case", we all sat, me on one side, the two of them, quite close together, on the other. "So, hey, are you guys...?" I started. "Are we what?" Asked Shaggy. "Oh. Nothing. So, guys, or... guy-- one guy, just one of you. I mean, it's not like you two are a 'guys', like in the collective sense or anything." They merely looked on in untroubled anticipatory silence. "So I'll take some tea after all, I think." I said, and swallowed what little saliva I still had in my mouth, painfully. "Oh, of course, why didn't you say so, sugar?" Caligula said, passing me one of the teacups. "No sugar for me, thanks." I said, accepting it graciously. "What?" He asked, genuinely confused. "Pass me mine, will 'ya?" Shaggy said, pointing past Caligula to the remaining cups on the table. Caligula obliged, but the cup slipped from his fingers in transition and fell to the floor, soaking the cheap burgundy carpeting. "You clumsy bitch!" Shouted Shaggy. "Huh?" I responded, "I'm over here. Didn't touch it." "Not you," he said, "Her." he motioned toward Caligula. "Uh..." Was all I could manage. "What are you trying to say?!" Caligula shot back at him. "What am I saying?" Shaggy answered, without missing a beat. "I'm saying that if you did something other than sit around cramming chocolate down your gullet, maybe your fat fucking fingers could hold onto a teacup!." "You had better watch what you say to me, mister!" Caligula snapped back. "Oh? Well I haven't even gotten to your fat ankles yet." Came Shaggy's death blow. I squirmed in my chair, trying to mask the awkward tension on my face. Caligula sprung from his perch and ran to the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. "Wait, I didn't... I didn't mean..!" Shaggy called after him in vain, before turning to me. "Sorry." "Oh, hey... whatever, man. I just write for a paper..." I offered, half-traumatized. "I hate when we get like this. Especially in front of guests." "...not even a good paper." "I guess I'd better go talk to him. This could take a while." He got up and cautiously entered the bathroom. At once, a roar of muffled crying and insults erupted from behind the door. After several moments alone, I had convinced myself that I remembered how to stand, so I did so, and began looking semi-idly around the room. Everything seemed like normal motel fare-- cheap end tables, Bible, filthy bedspread that somehow still gave off the aura of institutional sanitation. The one thing that caught my eye was the duffel bag, half-tucked under the foot of the bed. I am, after all, and investigative journalist, so I pulled it out and riffled through it. Layer upon layer of frills and lace. Negligees, hosiery, garters, and even a superbly adorable pair of black heels. The thunderstorm of bitch in the locked bathroom didn't seem like it was going to subside anytime soon, so I did what any right-thinking, well bred Catholic-raised girl would do. I snatched the heels and ran my ass off, into the hazy New England afternoon. **** Hagatha's Bootpig Pen The Quiet Type Silenced Article by Hagatha Nodick StonedSilent burst on to the scene a few weeks ago as a bright-eyed leader looking to have an impact on the community around him. He immediately tried to arrange a high stakes poker game and coordinate a sit down between himself and the other figureheads of the cities. Mr. Nodick and I were stunned at the proactive approach he had taken, especially when taking into account that he had come from Don Alessia's family. For those who don't know, Don Alessia was always criticized for her lack of street presence, so what StonedSilent brought to the table was purely of his own innovation. He was also able to bring smiles to the faces of the youth when he had an Alessia-esque slip of calling his family the "Quite" Type, rather than Quiet Type. Sadly, his fire was extinguished early. For reasons beyond anyone's comprehension, Don Alessia attacked the Java Cartel on September 3rd, drawing StonedSilent into a war he had no wish to be in. But not wanting something doesn't necessarily mean not being obligated to it. Before departing from Don Alessia's crew he gave her his solemn vow that he would always back her decisions, regardless of how abysmally thought out they were. With that promise came the end of a life many people were looking forward to seeing progress. He not only sought community reform, but from what high up sources in the Java Cartel and New Scum tell me, he was the glue that held Alessia's sanity in place. My sources went on to tell me once StonedSilent departed, opportunistic members moved in close to her ear and started hissing lies about impending doom and various attack threats. Many leaders wouldn't give that kind of gossip any credence, luckily Don Alessia wasn't most leaders and she put the soothsayers into her upper structure. StonedSilent, Hagatha Nodick applauds your efforts, and mourns your death as if you were her own 6th husband. You are dead due to hasty decisions and unfortunate mismanagement. May you find peace where you are. I'm sure your old RH Silence is right next to you ranking up to Arch-angel in minimum time due to there being unlimited jailbreaks in heaven. **** She Looks Good in Pink... But She May End Up Killing You Article by Reporter Kettle We know she's our Boss and this could very well end our careers, but news is news and right now we're out to warn the mobsters of tomorrow because we believe in a better lifestyle. Marietta, somewhat newly appointed leader of Detroit, long rumored to be soft spoken and doe-eyed, seems to have taken a spin for the worse in the past week. Before the great Don Alessia vs. Don Iris war the woman could be seen skipping around the Streets, sharing a scone or even a word of advice for many a person. Lately, though, things have taken a drastic three-sixty turn around. The usually bright and happy, smiling woman has lately been seen with a permanent scowl across her face and a sharp tongue with an acidic tone to boot when dealing with her crew and associates. Inside sources, who really wish to not be named because they happen to be extremely close to her, have let it slip loose that she may just be losing her edge when it comes to This Thing of Ours, and especially with the people she holds in highest regard. "She gets way too angry, too fast," our source states timidly, speaking softly as if the woman may or may not be able to hear her. "The other day I seriously saw her lose it over some guy painting his name on a wall in an empty room in the HQ. Seriously, an empty room. It's just like, at the drop of a hat she flips out and usually ends up screaming for a few minutes before pulling out her gun..." The woman declined any further comment on that particular subject, but it does beg you to wonder if the several names of mobsters in the obits each day that are reputed to work with Marietta have all had, er, 'less than noble' deaths. Perhaps the woman is taking a leaf out of the once Mob Boss of Los Angeles', LargeHamster, book on becoming a Don and shooting them all on sight in hopes that she can weed out the bad and keep the successful? It often seems as if her Right and Left Hands take the same sort of cue from their Boss. Both have been seen storming from coffee shops and various offices of the HQ on several different occasions, and have been rumored to kill people on the sly, drugging the witnesses so that word never gets out. Are these girls all turning into a wild and unruly bunch? Or are people allowing their imagination to slip away with them? Either way, we here at Tea Time are now fearing for what may appear to be an early demise of The Riot!. As our informant stated, "It's like she has PMS, only all the time." Sounds like Aunt Flo is visiting Detroit several times a week, in this instance. All we can do is inform and warn, mobsters, and right now I'm warning you to steer clear of Miss Rossi. You never know if- or rather, when- she will strike **** Tea Time presents... Real Mobsters of Genius (Real mobsters of geeeeniiiuuuuuus!) Today we salute you, Mr. Really Bad War Strategy Guy (Mr. Really Bad War Strategy Guy!) You attack by the cloak of night after assembling only three or four of your finest hitters on short notice. (Everyone else can fuck offfff!) Consigs? Best hitters? Not your tastes. You will order every goomba and civilian without a gun to be shot on sight. (High rankers really suckkkkkk!) Communication? Defense? Not your key to war. You'll allow your family to line up like cows for the slaughter. (Don't worry guys we're gunna WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!) So have yourself a nice, hot cup of tea Lord of the War. Your unpredictability and horrible timing will ensure that the rest of us get to live another day longer. (Mr. Really Bad War Strategy Guuuuuyy!) **** Life and Times On-Goings of the Six Cities Obits DrFeelGood oh you made us Feel SO Good! RIP Finally some silence from Silence. He had an annoying voice. RIP Czar you crazy lion. RIP Scarlett_Rose the sex would have killed you eventually, this way was better. RIP SoundWarnings where were you, not giving sound warnings that's for sure. RIP OK JMK RIP Bloody you were a great man and father to seventeen children. RIP Hey there Delilah, what's it like being dead? RIP Kangaroo we believed in joo. RIP Engagement The engagement between Camazotz and Lily is getting a little sketchy. It seems that the wild weekend in Vegas came with another surprise. Lily is now pregnant with FlyingPig's baby. Mob Boss Marietta is wearing a very large new stone on her left hand, on her ring finger to be exact. No one knows who the lucky guy is she's being very secretive. Maybe it's a woman. **** Horoscopes by Tea Time Check Here to See What the Week Will Hold! After disappearing... again... the psychic chick is back! She's had a great 'life altering' experience, or so she claims, after getting into a large string of automobile accidents. Either way we're glad she's alive, because now all you mobsters out there can get a glimpse into what your life will be like! Pisces: February 19th to March 20th Your social life is about to take a big jump start, Pisces! We can only hope that one of your planes, on your many travels, doesn't crash and end it with as big of a BANG! as it began with. Aries: March 21st to April 19th Busy? You haven't ever yet experienced busy, Miss or Mister Ram. Now you are. Best be careful that you're not rushing about everywhere and end up driving yourself into the Hudson. Taurus: April 20th to May 20th Your mind and memory are turning into one big foggy blur. Please, don't let this affect how you drive or you'll die. Gemini: May 21st to June 21st Oh look at you! You're so clever! Now put that to good use when your train to Detroit derails and kills seven people, trapping six others. Cancer: June 22nd to July 22nd It's been a whirlwind, and you're surprised to find yourself in one piece. Much like many train patrons are after an especially vicious crash. Leo: July 23rd to August 22nd You're feeling good and accomplished these days, Master of Lions! If only this feeling could follow you to the grave after an ugly plane crash. Virgo: August 23rd to September 22nd Worry worry worry! That's all you do these days, Virgo! Worry too much and you'll end up crashing your new Ford. Be careful. Libra: September 23rd to October 22nd The world is your oyster. A plethora of doors await you in all your choices this week. Just hope that one of those doors isn't leading to a speeding car with the brakes cut heading sixty miles plus straight into the side of a building. Scorpio: October 23rd to November 21st You are on the emotional switchboard, Scorpio. Everything you think and feel has an intense magnification behind it. Which is good, because now you can cry yourself to sleep after you miraculously survive a plane crash, Sagittarius: November 22nd to December 21st Wearing your heart on your sleeve this week, eh Saggi? How about keeping those mushy feelings to yourself so you can help with the wounded after the caboose to your train flips up over the dinner car? Capricorn: December 22nd to January 19th This is the happiest you've felt in ages, Cappy. Too bad it's all about to come crashing down. Literally, too. Avoid those plane rides. Aquarius: January 20th to February 18th You've been feeling chained lately, Aquarius, and now it's time to break out of this funk. What could be better than a terrifying, heart-pounding wake-up call train accident? **** The Results Are In! Analyzing The Data From Last Week's Surveys We asked the hard-hitting questions and YOU provided us with the answers. The seventh compilation of results from the Mafiosi Weigh-Ins are, well, in! (Tea Time is not responsible for the responses on the surveys. We are merely the mouth-piece for those who are unable to stand up and say as they wish freely. If you have any problems with the results on the surveys, the only place you can really put your blame on is yourself. Neener neener neener.) Once again we would like to stress that these are completely anonymous surveys. We at Tea Time have no clue who wrote what on the leaflets. So feel free to spill your guts and help us get down to the nitty gritty! Last week our first question received a sort of sad, lonely amount of answers. Tea Time asked our readers, "How many hours a day do you feel you are active in the mob lifestyle?" The results are in!: after only nineteen votes in the span of a week it was decided, with 36.8% of the overall votes, that most people were active in the mob lifestyle less than five hours a day. (Second place with 31.6% of the votes was "6 to 10 hours".) I'm actually quite surprised, that with as many active high ranking Mobsters as we have, that many people are only averaging a less than five hour crime rate. Perhaps this is one example of why answers to our surveys are so important. We need people to vote, or the answers we report are not as accurate as they could be. At any rate, people weighed-in and stated a variety of reasons as to what would make them stay awake longer. Many of them can be found here. So there you have it, everyone. People state that they are only around for less than five hours a day when it comes to active time in the mob. Our second question was one of huge narcissistic proportions. Yes, we like to have our shits and giggles too, people. We asked our readers, "This is a very serious, hard hitting question. Now, be honest: Which of the Tea Time girls would you sleep with if they were gagged, bound and drugged?" The results are in!: after twenty-one votes in the span of a week it was decided, with 47.6% of the votes, that people would like to sleep with none of us. Fucking ouch, guys. Just fucking ouch. We all did, at least, receive some votes (except for Heidi- ha, you horrible hag), so that was enough to boost our self esteem. Even Hagatha, who is every bit good looking as her name implies, had a few votes. Still, though, none of us? With reasons like "I do believe that you are all A) Overweight B) Ugly as fuck and C) Really dudes who dress up as women." I can understand the skepticism, but still. Major ouchies. To find out what people did have to say, (some of these comments so spectacularly scary we are now entering into the witness protection program), view this leaflet here. There you have it, world. Seems as if none of you would touch us with a fifty foot pole when it comes to sleeping with a Tea Time girl. Our last question was an open forum question. We at Tea Time asked: "Last week Captain Kangaroo brought an interesting point to the Streets. So lets get out our thoughts, Mafiosi: Do you believe that Street Presence is a requirement for City Leaders? What about for Captains? Is it their job to 'entertain' the masses? Why or why not?" The results are in! A small group of people, only eight, responded to our Open Forum question this week. The copies of their various responses can be found here. So there you have it, folks! Be sure to vote on this week's surveys, and stay tuned for more future results! **** We're All Cooler Than You Giving Props to Cool Names that Start with 'C' Random by Reporter Kettle READY?! Yes, I knew you were. It's time for my next random section of filler article-ry, and my, have I turned this into quite the art form. So yes, ladies and gentleman, it is time to continue my alphabet-y ways. Here I submit, for your entertainment and consideration: The Top Five Coolest Mobster Names Beginning With "C" * Creep: Despite what his name implies, he is a very sweet guy. Gives you the sense he's going to something very, well creepy and underhanded though. * Contrast: He's not the guy you're expecting, that's for sure. What a hint of mystery this name gives! * CarRamRod: Don't fuck with this guy. Sounds like if you do, you'll end up with a car in places you didn't even know they could be in. * Cab_Tufting: If only you folks really knew. Teeheehee! * Captain_Nae_Mates: I don't know what it is about this name, but the Captain part gives him some sort of authority! A CAPTAIN, PEOPLE! Annnnd yeah, well, that's me spent anyway. Next week, D! Double D, in fact. No, trip...quad... well, there will be five. **** Tea Time Gives Back To The Community Because We're Just That Damn Sweet What started as a tiny little paper publishing has turned into a full scale gossip magazine, and it's all because of you, readers! Over the course of the last week we have received an overwhelming amount of support in the form of compliments, kudos, sexual favors and most importantly, cash. Now we here at Tea Time are hardly selfish bitches, so what we made last week we want to invest back into our community. Namely, YOU, the reader! Last week we had a, well, handful of public praise, yay.. What we here at our paper decided to do was put all the names of the people who did so into a hat, and we have drawn three names to be our lucky winners of cold, hard cash! The names were drawn, and the winners are: Doyle, Cab_Tufting and Camazotz! Congratulations to our seventh handful of recipients for the Tea Time Weekly Award. 50K will be wired to each of your banks shortly! Thanks again, readers, and be sure to praise Tea Time publicly. Who knows, you may be the next cash prize winner! **** Mafiosi Weigh-In: Anonymous Surveys Tea Time Needs Your Input! We, the editors at Tea Time, have decided it's been long over-due for the population of our Seven Cities to have the chance to speak their minds freely. This is why we have come up with a solution of sorts: surveys. Every week we'll ask you for your honest, unbiased opinion on three issues. All you have to do is take the attached leaflets and fill them out completely. By the time the next issue rolls around, we'll have the results tabulated and your feedback ready for public review. Best part yet, it's all anonymous! Here is this week's new batch of questions. Thank you for your participation, and we look forward to giving you a free forum for your thoughts! NOTE: We are only looking for constructive answers. Please keep this in mind when answering. Weigh-In Fifteen Weigh-In Sixteen Open Thought Forum Eight **** We are gossip journalists. We will take any piece of information and embellish or twist it to suit our needs. If you are offended by anything we say, you are probably taking yourself too seriously. Any comments? Questions? Concerns or complaints? Feel free to mail any of the editors with your thoughts. If you are a female interested in guest writing for Tea Time, please contact us and we will set up an interview with you promptly. |
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where's Caligula??? I did not agree for that interview. I though we were getting another hooker and he could take heidi??? Well Great Job Anyways Gals |
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| Reply by: Shagggyd at Sep 10, '08 00:33 | |
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What a novel way to cope with your own utter insignificance and squander what precious time you have left in your life to finally crawl from the figurative swamp of of inbreeding fools and actually do something worthy of the world in which it will manifest. But, really, nice paper. |
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| Reply by: Hatchetface at Sep 10, '08 00:44 | |
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| Love it again. Always a pleasure to read. Thank you girls. | |
| Reply by: Marcus at Sep 10, '08 02:47 | |
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Lovely read as always. Well done girls :) |
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| Reply by: Mont at Sep 10, '08 03:03 | |
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I am sending you guys my dry cleaning bill. Once again you have managed to make me spit instead of swallow.. MY COFFEE YOU PERVERTS! She gives all of the ladies a way to go pat on the ass and makes sure to tuck a cookie in their pockets. |
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| Reply by: Iris at Sep 10, '08 03:26 | |
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i be no shipmate i be just a mafioso tryin' t' get a drink round here. Great work ladies as always, Marietta it would never have worked between us darling...Caligula nice cat Takes a swig from his hip flask and stumbles off to the bar |
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| Reply by: JackSparrow at Sep 10, '08 03:59 | |
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Hahah, excellent work again ladies, enjoyed that. As good as ever. On a side note, I would just like to point out that I do hire look-a-likes so it appears that one of them has gotten above his station and started agreeing to meet with journalists and other family heads. It was all so believable except for one small point....I don't drink tea, only coffee! AH HAH, got you! Caligula wanders off hurriedly, concealing teabags under his jacket as he goes.... |
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| Reply by: Caligula at Sep 10, '08 05:36 | |
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Props to Mr. Really Bad War Strategy Guy. I'm eager to see who will win the battle of the RH/LH positions. Good issue as always, keep up the great work. |
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| Reply by: Syriana at Sep 10, '08 06:13 | |
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FlyingWig chuckles as he reads the gossip sighting about himself in the gossip column. "Well well well, I should really look over my shoulder nowadays when I'm out and about on the street, these people see everything" Wig scratches his ass and reads on, "Ah, just one small point to make .... "I dont have a bald patch!" "I have no hair to speak of, apart from a tatoo of a cleaver there is nothing there, never has been, never will be!" "Thats why I am wearing my Sexy Wig" FlyingWig turns and smiles, noticing Marietta admiring his sexy wig he gives her a cheeky smile and wanders off back to Java HQ. |
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| Reply by: FlyingWig at Sep 10, '08 09:32 | |
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Denver narrows his eyes and mutters something about "the fucking city being named after him." Good read ladies and Hagatha, excellent work. |
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| Reply by: Denver at Sep 10, '08 09:40 | |
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walksinto the street from the Casino, carrying a drink in both hands and a pocket full of cash Approaches a street vendor who is selling the new issue of Tea Time Always a laugh to read this paper, funny to see what some creative mobsters with a lot of time can do. It is nice to see effort put into our community through humor and the streets. Keep up the good work ladies.. Pulls out a hundred dollar bill and hands it to the vendor for the paper.. folding the paper and walking away |
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| Reply by: StripheCorelli at Sep 10, '08 10:01 | |
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| You can fight a whole lot better with a pickle up your botty, that's all I've got to say. | |
| Reply by: Branston at Sep 10, '08 10:09 | |
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Takes a sip from his flask Great job girls. Once again a great read. I dont know how you all do it. Gives a light growl |
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| Reply by: Seraphim at Sep 10, '08 10:50 | |
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BuddahBear sets down the paper with a smile on his face Great read ladies as always. Keep up the great work, and look forward to next weeks editions. |
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| Reply by: BuddahBear at Sep 10, '08 12:03 | |
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| interesting read keep it up | |
| Reply by: Mr47 at Sep 10, '08 14:07 | |
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| Loved it!! can't wait to see the next articles and so on :) | |
| Reply by: MrsTM4ever at Sep 10, '08 14:19 | |
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| Goes to hug a tree... | |
| Reply by: Teruzzo at Sep 10, '08 14:36 | |
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Don't vote for Carbolic, he stole my seat at this damned competition *abstains as he thinks he's better than all of them* Especially that Vienna, she can't even sort out making that peice of Apparell she promised me... |
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| Reply by: GhostlySilence at Sep 10, '08 14:41 | |
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| Having gotten rid of her nasty cliche Drinks-Tea-While-Reading-Tea-Time habbit, Alice puts down her Mocha Frapp and places the eigth paper in her "Tea Time Pile". Looking around she is proud to see that not many others have finished yet and thinks to herself: 'Haha, that was great... So what should I check on this survey... Butter? Eeeeew!' | |
| Reply by: Alice at Sep 10, '08 19:06 | |
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