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| Tea Time!: Issue Nine | Started by: Lily on Sep 17, '08 16:29 |
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Tea Time: Gossip Tabloid Issue Nine: All in All it's Just Another Brick in the Wall You don't like us, and we sure as hell don't like you! Welcome to Tea Time, an all female run, written and edited (heavily-biased) magazine designed for passing on the most entertaining news to American Mobsters. Not onnnnnneeee of you... one SINGLE person decided to take us up on our "We Hate Tea Time Edition" offer. Fine. We'll admit it: it was a rouse to get you, the public, to write the paper for us so we could take a vacation to the Caribbean. Is that so wrong? We really could've used it this week, too, being a bit understaffed and all. Shame on you all. I guess it was as we're here, now editing our ninth gossip magazine, and we couldn't be happier! Paper number nine is just another brick in the wall, and one step closer to our tenth issue, which will be packed with fun games, prize and cash giveaways, and most of the dirt you all love to dish. So stick with us folks, because this week is awesome, and the next will be even better! Get ready everyone, because it's Tea Time! We don't need no education, Forever, Lily and Marietta Disclaimer: If you are wearing a bold or slanty suit, you WILL be the subject of many of our articles. If you don't like it, deal. It comes with the territory. Second Disclaimer: If you are alive, hell, even if you are dead, you MAY be the subject of one or many of our articles. If you don't like it please forward all hate mail to Heidi Hoels at Tea Time, c/o Marietta. Thanks! **** Today RHM Tomorrow...RHM Article by Reporter Pot Some of you may have noticed the big switch-a-roo involving the upper structure of Daera's New Scum and his captain, Shagggyd of The Scoundrels. Shagggyd employed Denver as his beloved Right Hand Boy...errr Man since the day that he opened his Headquarters alongside Daera in New York. At this time the Voluminous Vienna (yeah, I like alliteration, so what?), and OhCrap were sharing the Right Hand Woman (sometimes Man) position under The New Scum. Come to find out, one gloomy day no so back in the day, which was a Wednesday by the way, Denver suddenly makes his scummy way back into The New Scums upper structure as none other than RHM at that. How does poor Vienna get kicked down to Left Hand Woman of The Scoundrels? My conclusion would have to be, she must be redecorating over there. She must be adding her personal kinky touch to the offices of Shagggyd's New York window headquarters. We have an eyewitness stating that she saw Vienna with a whip in her hand walking toward Shagggyd's house stating "I need to make his skin a bit tougher". Well, that's one way to do it I guess. She seems to like to take the literal approach in that aspect. Right, back to Denver getting his little promotion. I mean, what good could this city do for the New Scum? What talents has be brought forth to prove that he is capable of being second in command to Don Daera, who has undoubtedly made a name for shimself in New York. Yes, shim. You heard me right. We still have our suspicions of Daera back from his early days of impersonating a woman. You sneaky little thing Daera. Just when you think the community has forgotten this lost little tidbit, here we are slapping it back down on the table like a fat stack of hundred dollar bills, ya'll. While we're on the subject of women, let's bring up Little Miss Sunshine, who at thug is already sleeping with the fishes. Sunshine was seen soliciting money off of higher ranked Mafiosi and even her Boss, as Denver pointed out while talking in the coffee shops very early this morning. The voice of God interjected and boy, did we all hear it loud and clear. "Denver you need take better care of your crew. This is the sort of thing I kill leaders over." You would think one would heed this advice, not Denver though. He still didn't do anything about Sunshine. Divine Intervention had to be taken to rid the world of sunshine, as we assume Denver was busy...waiting for photos? Sorry to say, he's still waiting for them. It's amazing what one will do for supposed revealing photos of a young woman just starting out in this life of ours. God, sorry off on another tangent again. Someone get me some jelly beans, I seem to be trailing. I can't wait to see what other greatness young Denver will bring to the big dogs of The New Scum, maybe the dogs will devour him. Then again, one can only hope. I know I'll be wishing on every star I see fall from the sky. Congratulations, Denver I foresee you doing great things! Maybe next time you'll get those pictures you've longed for. Hell, you may just go down in history for being the greatest Right Hand to grace the streets of New York. Keep on keeping on, my friend. **** Put the Lime in the Coconut And Shake it All Up Article by Reporter Black Curious to what the Tea Time ladies are up to while they aren't hunting down good stories or editing such a fabulous paper? Well between yoga classes and acting lessons for the plays Marietta will be involved in the next coming months she has been seen in many Bakeries all across Detroit. This isn't because of her sweet tooth, which gets out of hand sometimes, but about wedding cake tastings. The whole being engaged thing could still be a front to keep the admirers at bay as no one knows who the lucky man is. The admirers still come with their poetry and pick up lines. A few of them stalk and get mad at her as she speaks about the one she does not name. On the other side we have Lily, who is really showing that little tummy bump. She's still going to her kick boxing class so the weight isn't coming from those late night snacks of cookie dough and frosting. Sunday she was with friends shopping at Baby Boutique and Fruity Cutie Baby Store. Lily walked out of the store with three bags of baby clothes and accessories. The clothes were in both pink and blue styles. Seems we have a surprise on our hands. Down to dirty Forever, she's been seen shopping at the organic farmer's market and purchasing all sorts of vegetables. Has she picked up a side cooking job? When she's not bustling around the city looking for the freshest ingredients she is out on dates with ShagggyD. The two have been seen together at the movies, expensive dinners, picnics in the park and in his car on lovers lane "talking". **** Hagatha's Gun Advice The Do's and Don'ts Article by Reporter Hagatha Nodick DO think about training your gun to help the family. DON'T though. I know I send conflicting messages and you're feeling overwhelmed with emotion in trying to decipher these words. Allow me to elaborate so we're all a bit more clear in this. Recently this world has seen a heavy influx in people who want to become family hitters. Unfortunately though, the demand is starting to heavily exceed the supply, and the numbers of those who sleep for 7 day chunks has decreased drastically. The problem with all of you new hitters out there is you are taking shots you're just not ready for, which brings us to the next point. DO train your gun fully. DON'T shoot at 7-day sleepers without being maxed out on the training range! Why? Because the rest of us with guns don't want to be queued up four hours later waiting for the rebound kill. And you know what? Rebound kills just don't taste as fresh. There's a sense of achievement that comes with being the first on the prey, like a lion in the Serengeti. Having to kill someone 4 hours after the fact is like coming home and having to make love to Mr. Nodick after he's had chili and brats. Gases are expelled and the experience is ruined... Along with the sheets occasionally. Ugh. I digress, stop shooting at the 7-day sleepers without training your gun or else Hagatha's going to come gunning for you. So in conclusion... DO help your family. DON'T hinder other families guy with 3 training ranges and thinks he's ready for the big leagues but he's really not and eats dirt. **** HEIDI, YOU BITCH, ANSWER THIS Our Advice Columnist Answers Any And All Questions Q: Dear Heidi, How does one decide what targets they want to kill? Like, if someone rogues, how does he or she decide who dies? Thanks woman, Just Wonderin' A: Rogues, rogues, rogues. How could a word so sexy be chained to something so annoyingly retarded? Anyway, your question has no single definitive answer, so here is an unbelievably vague overview of several types of rogues, and why they suck. And, I suppose, if I happen to actually answer your question somewhere along the way, that's good too. -- Indignant Rogue: This guy is mad as hell, and he's not going to take it anymore! What's he so mad about? Well, he probably didn't get auth, because he's embarrassingly under-qualified to run a Family and thinks that endlessly bothering his Boss about it makes him entitled. They're recognizable by the furled brow and jutting bottom lip. They may shoot at their old Boss, they may shoot at another Boss who pointed out their mediocrity, or they may go on a total bitch and shoot at another auth candidate. -- Noble Rogue: Well, what the hell else do you do when your Boss dies in a war, and you're still standing strong? Apparently, you set up, house your old Family's survivors, finish the war, become Boss of Bosses, control the world (in essence) for several months, make a few sub-par auths near the end, then fuck off. This type is characterized by their former Boss' brain matter on their pants, and underlying homosexual tendencies (Can't argue with facts, folks.). At first, they shoot at their Boss' murderer and anyone else they see as a threat, but after a while just shoot a whoever the fuck they please. -- Martyr: This is the person who buys out to prove a point. To whom? Fuck if I know. Could be to protest a decision their Boss made, could be because of something that happened to someone in another Family halfway across the country who they realistically shouldn't give a shit about. They're funny that way. They probably imagine that their death will make people think a lot, and that they may even be remembered and praised for thousands of years afterward, but that stuff only happens in fairy tales. In reality, people just laugh at them. They may shoot at whichever member of our society they feel is the wrongdoer, or they may be too preoccupied with tying themselves up on their cross. Their death is the ultimate statement and, thankfully they won't have to wait long, because a disgruntled Pig roams the countryside and gleefully executes helpless idiots. -- Rogue for the hell of it: Pretty self-explanatory. These guys are often too stupid to actually aim, so whatever. ~ Q: Miss Hoels, How come I haven't hit the jackpot on the slots yet? I play obsessively. I always play high stakes, betting 1K at a time. I do this at least forty times a day, and have since my inception into the life of crime. So why haven't I won? Love, Not Marietta A: Perhaps because slot machines were invented by someone operating on a bit more logic than yourself? Think about it--three reels, something like sixty-four stops on an average reel, so there's a 1 in 64 chance of any one reel landing on the jackpot stop. That's 1 in 262,144 of actually winning a jackpot. Now, you've probably gotten a payback, just not a jackpot, right? Of course you have. It's by design. It kept you playing. But if slot machines were anything other than a ripoff, they would not exist. My advice to you is to learn a game of skill. Still a ripoff, but then at least you aren't signing your life away to inanimate slotted discs and gears. Oh shit, I just actually gave advice. What's wrong with me? At any rate, I know what (not) to get my (not) Boss this (not) Christmas. It rhymes with "kitchin' stambling wizor". And it's not a bitchin' gambling visor. Damn. Ruined. ~~ Q: Heidi-Ho- I've been wondering this since shortly after the death of Heather Corleone, actually. It is this: Is it necrophilia if she's alive when you start? There are some details I'm leaving out at the moment concerning my relationship with her but I just need to know about this. It's been hard to sleep since then. It's making me a little wacky I think. - Anonymous A: Depends, I say. How fervently did you finish up? I mean, you gotta do what you gotta do, right? But how long did it go on? Was she still warm, at least? This is important. Anyway, I'd say if you're putting gals in the ground mid-coitus, you may have some... bigger problems. Or no problems at all. Hi. You obviously know how to get in touch with me, maybe we can discuss it in person. I'm thinking dinner, a drink or seventeen. All sorts of things happen in the dark on nights like those. But enough of these silly semantics about who molested a what. You really want to know if this makes you Creepy McScarypants, right? Only if you let it. Just look around you, at all the "alternate" lifestyles that exist in our community. Shagggyd and Caligula, for instance. People seem to have taken that pretty well. And Marietta contracted trench fever as a result of being a bit too attached to a slot machine. Different strokes, you see. Ice cream and antibiotics -- lots and lots of antibiotics, Heidi **** WTF Rant by Reporter Sugar Welcome back, warmongers. We missed you, but knew you'd be back to plant rumor seeds and complain about all the leaders being friends with each other. We hear you whine there's no action, no more wars, everyone is holding hands and eating cookies. We love eating cookies from Iris, but don't worry. The friendships between the leaders doesn't mean the end of good times for you warmongering fucks. If you think otherwise your parents obviously never told you the bedtime story about the fairy godmother, Queen Anita and her sons, Prince Micky and Prince Sal. They were the most powerful leaders in the mafia. When they ruled everything was magical and sweet. One day while the queen slept in her castle Micky and Sal attacked her and they didn't live happily ever after. There are a lot of other stories like this. History has shown just because leaders are friends doesn't mean peace lasts forever. That should make you war lovers smile. You'll get what you want one of these days and when it happens we hope you die a slow painful death. On to more important topics like those crazy little things that make sane and sexy mobsters say, "What the fuck?" First up was news from the boss of bosses that he was considering selling our thing to Clipper. What the fuck? Does this mean anyone with a big bag of cash can buy our business? I certainly fucking hope not. If our souls are for sale we'll take up a collection from everyone and put FlyingPig in charge. Seeing him smack around asshats will be more entertaining than being under the thumb of a moron from a bloodline that has gone rogue more times than boobies has felt himself up. An upcoming coffee shop event by the name of Knockout was announced on the streets by Leo. He asked criminals to contact him if they want to participate in fights. Maxie, the bitch with no life, issued a challenge to Lily, the Left Hand Lady knocked up by FlyingPig. The fight promoter was hesitant about sanctioning a fight between the two mobsters from Detroit. He doesn't want to see girl on girl action. What the fuck? We must be living in bizarro world. What's next? Mont banning prostitution in Vegas? Please don't do that, Mont. We need whores to auth. A mobster asking the masses what their favorite mafia take down was lead to yet another name calling bitch fest over the take down of CP by Jonnie_Reese and his army of groupies. Please get the fuck over it. We don't care about it anymore. We all die regardless of guns with glitches or assholes who want to kill us for the hell of it. People who don't like leaders are told to rank up and do something about it, but when they do they're accused of being disloyal. What the fuck? Another contradiction was in a speech about mafia musical chairs. We're told mobsters aren't suppose to change families like they change their underwear, but after nearly every war when a leader dies other leaders hit the streets with orders not to kill surviving members who are marked with a family name. If you want loyalty don't say it's ok for members of a fallen family to live and join another family and don't tell a bad ass mother fucker who loves guns to rank up and take you out. **** Daze Craze Maze... Haze... And Other Things That Rhyme Article by Reporter Kettle It's new! It's crazy! It's a... bunch of high guys talking on the radio. However droll it may be, Daze Craze Radio 420 has somehow become one of the most popular events in Crime City USA this past week. With two hosts, Adamine and BuddahBear, each bringing to the table their own drug addiction, and a copious amount of cash, it is no wonder that this station is tuned into so often. In the three episodes we have seen within the last few days we have seen guest callers of a high ranked caliber, including Denver, FlyingPig, Marietta and Adam_Wall. Full of non-stop-laughs and entertaining new segments, it is hard to believe that anyone can get sick of something so fresh and new. Oh, but we can. Too much too soon? Too much of a good thing? Those phrases can possibly be applied to the way Daze Craze is currently being run. While immense amounts of effort are put into each and every episode on the air, we here at Tea Time cannot help but think that the pill-popper and hash-smoker may burn out faster than they started, leaving the audience empty and wanting more. Slow down, boys! You're going to keep your audience through your humor (and, well, partially the cash). No need to hit us up each week. If you keep pumping out your broadcasts at this rate, we won't have any clean underwear left to wear when we listen. All in all, congratulations on being the best thing we have seen here on the Streets in a very long time. Keep up the great work, men! **** Hagatha's Bootpig Pen OhCrap... You Can Say That Again Mont... Scaling Mountains Monte has Never Seen the Peaks Of by Hagatha Nodick This week started off with a bang, and for those of you who might be inquiring, no it didn't emanate from me and Mr. Nodick's bedroom as he has been laying dormant in that arena for quite some time. The occurrences happened outside the boudoir and within our own small world. First off, OhCrap, long-time Consigliere of Daera's family went batshit crazy and killed Philosophical Psycho, a Boss in the Java Cartel, then was offed himself. Then, if that wasn't enough, big time hitter Mont decided to strike off on his own and claim Las Vegas as his domain. So much to cover so little time. The actions of OhCrap stunned the community at-large and many are left wondering why. I myself am still stunned at what he did, but believe I can trace the incident back to the death of Wise Guy Blade. Several weeks ago, FlyingPig killed the New Scum member over a coffee shop dispute without waiting for consent from any of the power structure within New Scum. After that day, OhCrap went on a street campaign against Tea Time Editor Impregnater Extraordinaire, Mr. Pig. The debate turned heated, and many think the grudge never died. As the days passed, it appeared Mr. Crap became more and more disillusioned with the leaders and finally snapped earlier this morning. We hope that wherever he is, he has found peace... and a love for Republicans. While two lives end, another life begins a dynasty. Mont, not to be confused with oft-teased Monte, declared The Ministry of Silly Walks to be open for business. Most people have recognized Mont based on the outrageous body count he's piled up in the last few months, if you haven't seen him kill someone you truly haven't been around long enough. Now Mont is going to try his hand at the business aspect of this life, and we think that based on his previous familial history, he should do just fine. We hope to see great things from him, good luck Mont! That's all for now readers xoxoxo, Hagatha "Gossip Girl" Nodick **** Seen and Heard Tea Time's Latest Famous (And Not-So-Famous) Mafiosi Sightings hellboy, Philly local, looking underneath parked cars for spare change. Made Man from Chicago Argo, walking around with a rather large tire iron. Was asking passerby to play a game of "The Limbo". Furio of the New York New Scum, trying to set fire to the back of Branston's pants while in the snack bar line at the theater. Citizen of Detroit Kal_Paradise, ordering twenty pizzas at a local diner and running off giggling before paying. BigMike out of New York, giving out balloons to school children. Boss from the Java Cartel Teruzzo, trying on ballerina tutus at a local dress shop. Left Hand to Mont, Shadow, playing with a flashlight underneath a blanket in the park. Was heard giggling to himself. ShagggyD, Captain to the New Scum, standing outside Right Hand to the Riot! Forever's apartment building. Was heard singing songs and playing a guitar drunkenly. **** Tea Time Right Hand Death Match The Results from Last Week's Polls By Reporter Kettle And now, Ladies and Gentleman of Tea Time Land, get ready for the Riiiight Handdd Rrrruuumbblllllllllle! I'll stop that. I promise. The six contenders entered the ring and it was like a bolt of lightning crashed down upon the audience, for they all fell silent in awe. As the men and women stared at one another a soft cheering began to erupt and it was like magic. FlyingPig placed his hand in his pockets casually, CarbolicSmokeBall pulled out a packet of smokes and lit up, Forever began filing her nails as Mikado glared at Denver. Denver, much like Vienna, began flirting with the crowd. What a group, eh? With the ring of the starting bell everyone launched into a large pig pile. Literally, a pig pile. In trying to wrestle one another all six contestants fell into a big pile in the middle of the ring, FlyingPig sitting on top casually munching away on an apple. Eventually the six broke apart and began to square off against one another. Mikado immediately pulled out a gun on Forever, who rolled her eyes and jabbed the man in the chest with her nail file. He looked stunned, caught on guard enough for the woman to push him outside of the ring, and over the ropes. In another corner of the ring Denver was smiling winsomely at Vienna, who was giggling and fluttering her eyelashes. With a casual yawn the man draped his arm over the woman's shoulders and immediately she sprung into action. A growl escaped her perfect cherry colored lips before she used the man's own arm to propel him over her shoulders- and out of the ring. Bye bye, Denver. CarbolicSmokeBall began circling around FlyingPig, who continued to munch happily upon his apple. Lunging forward at the PigMan, Carbolic suddenly froze in his tracks. The two shared an intense moment of eye-contact before Carbolic nodded, walked to the edge of the ring, and swung himself over the ropes. One small victory for the freakishly scary Pig. Down to three contenders, Vienna and Forever found themselves in a dead-lock slapping-fight. Time was beginning to dwindle down on the clock and things did not look well for the two women, as FlyingPig had just finished his apple (throwing the core into the unruly crowd) and was beginning to move in towards the women. Coming to a silent agreement, Forever and Vienna glanced at each other and began to make-out. The Pig was captivated by this sight and began to drool, watching. Then the bell rang. The two women immediately broke their embrace in disgust and celebrated to themselves. It seemed three, not two, Right Hands would be moving on to the final round. Immediately they were whisked away to clean up the blood, sweat and pig droppings for the next match. It appears the fearless pig and the two sex symbols will be going for the gold. The rest is up to you, everyone! Who are you going to vote to win the Tea Time Death Match, and become the winner of 200K?! We want to see more blood! Who will win? To see last week's standings and support, view this leaflet here. **** Tea Time presents... Real Mobsters of Genius (Real mobsters of geeeeniiiuuuuuus!) Today we salute you, Mr. Multiple Invite Requester-izer. (Mr. Multiple Invite Requester-izer!) New to the land, you know that your main goal is to find a family. ...Any family. (Fuck I've only got 48 hours!!) Using your gift of the gab and whatever money you have, you fly from city to city chatting it up with the big names. (Heeyyy Don Iris you're looking fiiiinnne!) Conveying just how desperate you are, you pledge your loyalty to the Leader and family... of every city. (Brannnnnston I really need you!) So have yourself a nice, hot cup of tea Mister Eager Beaver. You sure know how to make all of the Crew Leaders feel really, really loved. (Mr. Multiple Invite Requester-izerrrrrrrrrrr!) **** Tea Time Left Hand Death Match: The Results from Last Week's Polls By Reporter Kettle Folks are you ready for the Lefffft Haaanndddd Tussllllleeeeeeeee? God damn I know how to get carried away. Anyway: The match was brutal. All six candidates entered the ring with excitement- Monk praying silently to himself, Hyperbole talking a big game, Bogey swinging a bent golf club, -You- (whom I have just discovered is a ninja) shrieking at everyone, JackSparrow taking hits from a bottle of rum and Lily clutching her belly, of which her unborn half-pig-half-child calls home. Starting at different points on each side of the ring, the six stared each other down with fury and a thirst for winning in their eyes. With a ring of the bell, Hyperbole immediately leaped to the middle of the canvass, throwing his hand into the air and proclaiming "HAVE NO FEAR, I AM HYPERBOLE AND AS LONG AS I AM-" Seconds later the man was brutally tossed out of the ring by a shattering clothesline by none other than JackSparrow, who may or may not have done it as an accidental drunken stumble. Monk continued to sit next to the ropes, his hands pressed together and his lips moving in a silent meditation. Timidly, Miss Lily of the Riot walked over, tapping the man on the shoulder. When he did not respond, she took both of her hands and pushed the monk backwards over the blue ropes, where he flipped down, fell to the mats beside the ring, and continued to meditate. A ninja like shriek was heard as -You- went flying towards Bogey, both hands clawing at the air like a deranged monkey. Bogey swung at the woman with his bent golf club, grimacing to himself as he missed her by barely an inch. With renewed vigor -You- jumped upon Bogey's back, pulling at his hair until he ran to the ropes and began to climb out the ring, marking a victory for the woman. The three remaining candidates circled one another in the ring, occasionally swiping at each other with their fists (or in Jack's case- rum bottle). It seemed the match was going to become a stalemate for the top two places like the Right Hand Match was, when finally Lily collapsed to the floor of the ring clutching her stomach. A look of fear was etched upon her face as she screamed, "MY BABY! I'M HAVING MY BABY!" Rushing forward to help, JackSparrow approached Lily with open arms in an attempt to help the woman. With a cleverly aimed kick to his stomach, Jack went flying out of the ring and Lily popped back upwards to a standing position, proclaiming "HAH! Take that! I'm only four weeks along!" It seems as if ninja -You- and the clever Lily will be facing off in the finals for the cash prize. So it's up to you now, readers. Who would you like to see win the Tea Time Death Match, and be the winner of 200K cold hard cash?! And the winner will be... To see last week's standings and support, view this leaflet here. **** Looking For a Good Time? Hope You Like Waffles Article by Reporter Pot It seems as though our streets has picked up its newest Mafia bicycle, and she goes by the name of AlexisVonWaffle. Ms. Waffle has been seen strolling down the streets winking at random people who have the "right potential". What you may not know is, she wasn't always like this. Mr. FlyingPig was among the first to solicit her services stating: "I will be first in line, of course. No sloppy seconds (or thirds or fourths) for this Pig". Before this though, he told Alexis specifically "mmmm, Alexis is a bad girls name." Looks like the Pig is really getting around with the ladies lately. Was this another one of his missions to repopulate the world with smarter people? I'm going to have to go with, no. Alexis isn't one of the smarter females I've encountered along these streets. Looks like, Mr. Pig was taking a leisure break. Along with Pig we have a StripheCorelli, inquiring to when the Waffle shop opened up. He wanted to be taken to Waffle town. It looks like Striphe is interested in more than gambling his life away. I guess desperate times call for desperate measures, or so they say at least. Mr. Corelli seems to fit that mold quite well. It's not like Ms. Waffle is the pick of the litter, well maybe she is the pick of her litter. Quite frankly it's easy when you're easy. Hope you had a great time and didn't catch anything if you know what I mean, Striphe. Even BuddahBear and Adamine were heard promoting Alexis' sexual prowess in their second episode of Daze Craze Radio 420. I just so happen to have it recorded and will replay for you, just in case you missed it. Are you sexually frustrated? Are you looking for a little excitement in your life? Contact AlexisVonWaffle today! She'll help with all your needs ranging from Massages, to Chiropractic work, to foot rubs, to plain down dirty rough hot and steamy pleasures. All you have to do is mail her with your request, and state how much you'd love to cover her in thick sticky syrup! Don't wait any longer, let her satisfy your needs today! Was BuddahBear speaking from experience, or just going off what he's heard about Ms. Waffle? I'm going to go with the former, because let's face it Alexis has used much more than her syrupy personality and pretty smile to get what she wants. I'm sure she has many more moves the average Joe hasn't seen before. There you have it folks, you are now fully aware of where to go for a good time. Maybe you'll be on the next train to Waffle paradise. Just be sure to wear protection, you never know what's going around these days. **** Life and Times On-Goings of the Six Cities Obits x_Factor you were an amazing trapeze artist until you fell on your head five years ago and never really gained back your intelligence. It was probably a bad move to switch to the mob way of life with only half a brain. sunshine you make me happy when skies are gray. That's a lie, I don't think you made anyone happy, well you may have made Denver happy. He finally had a chance with a girl! Philosophical_Psycho I laugh at you. Then your son has the balls to come back with his grandfather's name and ask mob boss Marietta for a body guard after you called her a whore numerous times in the coffee shops. Wow! We know we can expect great things from you. Uncle_Squiggy you were the best pirate captain this side of the world. You died an honorable man and many will miss you. Births Mozart's sister's babies cousin's brother's daddy's twice removed step aunt's son's wife had a bouncing baby girl early Saturday morning. They named her Jiggly Puff. Dark_Virus created a dark virus last week. He has been threatening children with it. Now everyone thought MrsTM4ever was just letting it all go and getting really fat, but last Thursday night MrsTM was rushed into the emergency room and out popped a baby boy who looks suprisingly like Skittlez. Good luck with that extra baby weight MrsTM and those awful stretch marks. **** Immigrants Invade the Mafia It's Really Gross Article by Reporter Hagatha Nodick As I strolled through the street today with the 8th Mr. Nodick I was astounded by the differences in the waves of people we passed. Irish, Itals, Russians, Czechs, Cubans, Mexicans, the list goes on and on. All here to find work in this thing of ours... I couldn't have been happier. Then I smelled an immigrant. I knew something was wrong when the scent hit my nostrils of those really gross cookies your grandma makes that are kind of chalky and taste way too much like lemon and make your teeth sore. No it wasn't the cookies dear readers... It was Swedes. Sure enough in seconds I was passed by 5 Swedes walking in a synchronized straight line so as to not make trouble for other pedestrians. They didn't speak and were way too courteous in their passing so I decided to give an American welcome to the Swede in the back of the line vis-vis a hurled brick. And it was just like a Swede to passively resist my raging American patriotism. "Fucking Vikings think they can come here and take all the good jobs," I muttered furiously at myself. You can see for yourselves in the obituaries the increase in the Swedish mob deaths. Unlike normal children, Swedish parents who immigrate here add numbers into their childrens' names because they're easier to say than what the Nords traditionally do with the alphabetic arrangement of their babies' names. However, you can't assimilate yourselves into my culture without me seeing it, you secularist swine! So just for that, I am posting the recently deceased Swedes so the rest of you know what to look for and make welcome with various weaponry: 05mdadu None Gangster Dead aadt11 None Gangster Dead Ashleyk787 None Gangster Dead ld96 None Gangster Dead The Swede is evolving though ladies and gentleman. They don't trek over the Atlantic AND Pacific Oceans to begin unsuccessful lives here (Swedes have to cross both oceans because they are notoriously bad with directions). They've come here to succeed at any cost, even if it means asking an elderly person if they can help with their groceries. Those are OUR old people, and if we wanted to take care of them we would, we don't need your grubby dragon-shaped boat making hands fixing something that's not broken. One such crafty Swede who's snuck into the ranks is Parker, a Capo currently residing in the Java Cartel, which is fitting as Swedes have been known to pick raw coffee beans and horde them into little cubby holes under their bed in the event that they need a quick energy boost to crank out an hour of calisthenics before sleeping. Parker's a rare breed... a smarter Swede. His parents saw a better life for him by naming him something that could pass off as being American. Well I see right through you, you law abiding cottage-dweller. You think you can pay American taxes friend? Americans evade American taxes, and we do it because we're criminals. If you see Parker, make sure to remark on how gross his perfect hygiene is. Drive him out of this country before he lowers the crime rates we've worked so hard to raise. How to tell if it's a Swede you ask? 1.It makes otherworldly noises when attempting to speak. If you've heard bats or dolphins, it's similar to that. 2.It will ride a bicycle approximately 28 kilometers per day (not miles, like a real American). 3.It will excuse itself if it bumps into you or causes a disruption in any part of your day. 4.It will be very good natured and try to charm you into thinking there's no harm in public hand holding with them. Friends, nay, countrymen; Irish, Itals, Russians, Czechs, Cubans, Mexicans, et. al., we have a VERY serious immigration problem beginning and ending with the Swedish. If we don't act now, they will legalize all our liquor and impregnate our women with good looking babies. I implore you to help me push them out of this life of crime we hold so dear, and whatever you do, don't ask them where the bathroom is, you'll end up in Norway... And don't even get me started on Norway. **** We're All Cooler Than You Giving Props to Cool Names that Start with 'D' Random by Reporter Kettle Wow, you're still interested in this? What? No? Oh. Too fucking bad, because I'm continuing on anyway. Well, we're at the Ds, people. There was quite a selection to choose from, but I think I finally managed to cut down the list and summarize them all for you here. So presenting: The Top Five Coolest Mobster Names Beginning With "D" * Dimitri-Rascalov: Doesn't he sound like a little rascal? Whatever the cause, having a Russian name or two around these parts really give it some character. * Dante_Balboni: Mmm. What? The name doesn't sound like a deli meat to you? * Domino: I don't care what you say. We've all played AND enjoyed this game at one time or another. Hearing this name on the Streets is like a throwback to childhood. * DoubleGlock: Double your pleasure, double your fun! This name means business and definitely suggests that someone is packing heat. * Duke_Of_Marmarlade: Earl of Sandwiches? Pfft. We have the Duke of Marmarlade! Maybe he and Dante_Balboni should get together and make me a sammich. Alrighty. Five names, and I hope you all agree too, that they are grrrreat! Next issue: "E". Look forward to it! **** The Results Are In! Analyzing The Data From Last Week's Surveys We asked the hard-hitting questions and YOU provided us with the answers. The eight compilation of results from the Mafiosi Weigh-Ins are, well, in! (Tea Time is not responsible for the responses on the surveys. We are merely the mouth-piece for those who are unable to stand up and say as they wish freely. If you have any problems with the results on the surveys, the only place you can really put your blame on is yourself. Neener neener neener.) Once again we would like to stress that these are completely anonymous surveys. We at Tea Time have no clue who wrote what on the leaflets. So feel free to spill your guts and help us get down to the nitty gritty! Last week our first question received a decent sized response! Tea Time asked our readers, "So this past week we've seen a spark of debates in the Streets. Without breaking Omerta or giving too much about your family away, do you believe it is too easy or too hard to get your button (Made Man +) promotions?" The results are in!: after 25 votes in the span of a week it was decided, with 48% of the overall votes, that it was Just Right when it came to getting your button promotions. (Second place with 44% of the votes was the response "It's too easy to get promoted".) A far cry from the bitching many of us hear when it comes to receiving the prestigious promotions, a majority of the population that voted thought it was just right- if not too easy to get their bump up in the world. We decided to ask a question along with last week's survey, "What qualities do you believe should allow people to be promoted?", and it seemed many wanted to weigh in on this subject. With common traits of "honor, respect and loyalty" reappearing, it may be best to take a leaf out of our reader's books, Mobsters. For full details on responses to the questions, see this leaflet here. So consider the above, everyone! Quit your bitchin' and get out of your leader's kitchen, because the system is just right when it comes to getting your button promotions! Our second question last week was a little more confusing. We asked our readers, "So really guys, Guns or Butter?" The results are in!: after 25 votes in the span of a week it was decided, with 76% of the votes, that people prefer Guns over butter! We clarified this point further in the attachment to last week's question. What we stated was, "What it's really about is war or peace. Which do you prefer? Why?". Fuck knows if it really is about war or peace, but we got quite the response on that leaflet! To see the gathered responses, check out this leaflet here. I don't know what this says about our world, but it turns out more people are bloodthirsty than we thought, preferring war over peace in the matter of guns versus butter. Our last question was an open forum question. We at Tea Time asked: "One of our newer aspects of the world is called "Permanent Auth". Who do you believe deserves to have the priviledge of this feature? Why?" The results are in! A small group of people, fourteen to be exact, responded to our Open Forum question this week. We received a variety of answers, stemming from individuals (no, FlyingPig and Prem, no perm auth for you) to groups of people within the family. All responses on who deserves "perm auth" can be found in this leaflet. So there you have it, folks! Be sure to vote on this week's surveys, and stay tuned for more future results! **** Retiring Assholes Ruining Quality of Life Retirees Infuriating the General Public Article by Reporter Hagatha Nodick There's a scourge in this world. A scourge that is really pissing me off. Which I guess by virtue of the name is what scourges are supposed to do. That's not the point though, the point is this, think before you leave this life! As a member you suck off our (the crews in general) ample teats and then you decide to up and one day call it quits?! No no no, that is not how this works folks. If you are leaving this life it is up to you to offer yourselves to the family as a sacrificial lamb. You know what Hagatha hates worse than her 7th husband? A quitter, and mainly because quitters remind her of her 4th husband. If you go anywhere it should be first approved by the boss or right hand man. Giving yourself a send-off is disrespectful to everything the family gave you (you know a place to live, be safe, and a group of people to trust). Lately it seems anything can set a person off and force them into retirement, and I wonder why. In some cases it's these very same people who have themselves complained in the past about retirees. Listen folks, you're not a Godfather yet, and you certainly haven't made enough scratch to even THINK about migrating south to live out your days lounging on South Beach and drinking mai tais. You want to leave this life early? How about a courtesy flush. Your family line might start to get looked down upon if you have a pattern of this. So, what have we learned today? If you don't care about your life, others might, even if it's in an "I want to kill you really hard" capacity! **** Tea Time Gives Back To The Community Because We're Just That Damn Sweet What started as a tiny little paper publishing has turned into a full scale gossip magazine, and it's all because of you, readers! Over the course of the last week we have received an overwhelming amount of support in the form of compliments, kudos, sexual favors and most importantly, cash. Now we here at Tea Time are hardly selfish bitches, so what we made last week we want to invest back into our community. Namely, YOU, the reader! Last week we had a large helping of public praise, yay! What we here at our paper decided to do was put all the names of the people who did so into a hat, and we have drawn three names to be our lucky winners of cold, hard cash! The names were drawn, and the winners are: FlyingWig, FlyingPig and Marcus! (That's a whole lotta flying!) Congratulations to our eight handful of recipients for the Tea Time Weekly Award. 50K will be wired to each of your banks shortly! Thanks again, readers, and be sure to praise Tea Time publicly. Who knows, you may be the next cash prize winner! **** Mafiosi Weigh-In: Anonymous Surveys Tea Time Needs Your Input! We, the editors at Tea Time, have decided it's been long over-due for the population of our Seven Cities to have the chance to speak their minds freely. This is why we have come up with a solution of sorts: surveys. Every week we'll ask you for your honest, unbiased opinion on three issues. All you have to do is take the attached leaflets and fill them out completely. By the time the next issue rolls around, we'll have the results tabulated and your feedback ready for public review. Best part yet, it's all anonymous! (NOTE: Constructive answers only. Getting a little tired of being told you're gunna cut us, or we're cunts, or whatever. If you have a problem you can send us mail to Tea Time: Reporter Heidi Hoels c/o Marietta.) Here is this week's new batch of questions. Thank you for your participation, and we look forward to giving you a free forum for your thoughts! Weigh-In Seventeen Weigh-In Eighteen Open Thought Forum Nine **** We are gossip journalists. We will take any piece of information and embellish or twist it to suit our needs. If you are offended by anything we say, you are probably taking yourself too seriously. Any comments? Questions? Concerns or complaints? Feel free to mail any of the editors with your thoughts. If you are a female interested in guest writing for Tea Time, please contact us and we will set up an interview with you promptly. |
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Left Hand to Mont, Shadow, playing with a flashlight underneath a blanket in the park. Was heard giggling to himself. DAMN!!! you got me |
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| Reply by: Shadow at Sep 17, '08 16:39 | |
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I must say ladies, another great edition to a paper that will go down in history. Me get tired and burnt out? NEVER! As long as the weed supply is there so will be the humor! or at least it's rather funny when you have a joint in your hand. We at Daze Craze would like to thank you for your kind review, and are happy the Majority are satisfied. Keep up the great work! |
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| Reply by: BuddahBear at Sep 17, '08 16:40 | |
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| I heard Caligula was a queen in his spare time :x | |
| Reply by: Cascade at Sep 17, '08 17:03 | |
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Loving the Death Matches, really entertaining. Cant believe i was a winner, YaY! :) Amazing, Amazing. I just want to read more. Great job Ladies and thank you. |
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| Reply by: Marcus at Sep 17, '08 17:08 | |
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For the record i was checking to see if that baby looked like me....can't blame a man for double checking PS - Great work ladies always brings a smile to my face |
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| Reply by: JackSparrow at Sep 17, '08 17:24 | |
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While in the waiting room of Adamine's local pharmacy, he decides to pick this weeks issue of tea time. After reading it, he can only think about one thing. Marietta. How does she do it? She rags on almost everyone.... and still looks sexy! Drool starts coming out of Adamine's mouth. Ummm, sir. Your pills are ready Adamine snaps out of his daze. Oh yeah, thank you. Thanks alot. Have you read this before? Adamine holds up the issue of Tea-Time "Oh yeah, my brother is the soon to be husband of Marietta.............." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- On a serious note, great job ladies. Very nice to see you guys runnin' strong. |
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| Reply by: Adamine at Sep 17, '08 17:41 | |
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| Always Amazing, I hate waiting a week for each issue | |
| Reply by: Shagggyd at Sep 17, '08 17:56 | |
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Leo notices his name is mentioned Well now, I couldn't Let the son of FlyingPig get hurt now could I?!? he is far too precious.... |
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| Reply by: -Leo- at Sep 17, '08 18:26 | |
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| I rather enjoy being the voluminous Vienna. I back that ass up like a dump truck. | |
| Reply by: Vienna at Sep 17, '08 20:55 | |
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After reading the new issue of Tea Time Maxie walked around the Riot HQ until she found Marietta, Forever and Lily chatting in the kitchen. Another great issue of Tea Time, gals. Maxie poured herself a cup of coffee and walked over to the phone. She picked it up and dialed BuddahBear's number. She was glad to hear him pick up after the first ring. Hi Buddah baby, this is Maxie. Remember what you asked me yesterday? I changed my mind. I want to have your baby, but not just one. I want to have a lot, at least ten. I'm going to quit working so you'll have to support me and the children. You'll also have to hire a maid and a nanny. One more thing, it won't be good for the children to see their father high all the time. You'll have to quit smoking weed. The phone clicked and Maxie heard a dial tone. She laughed and walked over to the table where Marietta, Forever and Lily were sitting. I think I scared him away. He'll think twice about using the 'Will you have my baby?' line again. |
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| Reply by: Maxie at Sep 17, '08 21:05 | |
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Writes a letter and sends it into Tea Time and it read's You know i've never wrote in or commented on this but seems i've finally found something worth writting about here. Hagatha's Gun Advice I agree with every word. |
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| Reply by: LuckyLuciano at Sep 17, '08 21:18 | |
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| Great works from beautiful ladies. A nice gossip paper to read & a crazy-drug-addicted radio. That's all a mafioso need. What a life. | |
| Reply by: Arabesque at Sep 17, '08 22:16 | |
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FlyingPig takes Maxie by the hand and leads her into the cheap motel room that he rented for this special occasion. Seeing a cockroach on the floor, he stomps on it, but it refuses to die. "Nevermind that. It is part of the 'outdoorsy appeal' that the brochure talked about." A card table is set up in the middle of the room. There is a votive candle burning in an ashtray in the middle of the table, two paper plates with Sloppy Joes and potato chips, and two champagne glasses sitting next to an ice bucket containing a 40 oz. can of malt liquor "Come Maxie, let us dine, and then we will work on bringing a new life into this world. I got a discount on the room by choosing the 'no bed' option, but do not worry. I have an inflatable mattress in the trunk of my car that I used during my vacation to Rockaway Beach". Wiggles his eyebrows "Our child will be wise, brave, and strong." |
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| Reply by: FlyingPig at Sep 17, '08 22:45 | |
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Stumbles Up to the offices of the Tea Time Gals Foreevveeeeeerrrrrr Breaks into Wonderwall by Oasis |
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| Reply by: Shagggyd at Sep 17, '08 22:52 | |
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Wow, this is the classiest date I've been on. Ready to do her part to populate the mob with smarter offspring Maxie took her jacket off and threw it across the room. She picked up the can of malt liquor, took a long drink then winked at FlyingPig. Well, what are you waiting for? Oink Oink to bed! |
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| Reply by: Maxie at Sep 17, '08 23:57 | |
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Realizes he'll no longer be making babies since FlyingPig stepped in Sighs All well guess it just means I have to go back to smoking the herb. So close to rehab too. Walks off kicking dirt as he leaves the motel |
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| Reply by: BuddahBear at Sep 18, '08 00:01 | |
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Closes the door behind Buddah and looks at the rest of the prying eyes Hey! This isn't a spectator sport! Beat it! |
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| Reply by: FlyingPig at Sep 18, '08 00:04 | |
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| Another Great issue looking forward to the next. | |
| Reply by: Riley at Sep 18, '08 00:18 | |
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| Fantastic work again ladies well done | |
| Reply by: Strabo at Sep 18, '08 01:48 | |
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