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| Tea Time!: Issue Thirteen | Started by: tatiana on Nov 01, '08 04:21 |
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Tea Time: Gossip Tabloid Issue Thirteen: Thriller Nights You don't like us, and we sure as hell don't like you! Welcome to Tea Time, an all female run, written and edited (heavily-biased) magazine designed for passing on the most entertaining news to American Mobsters. IT'S THRIIIIILAAAAA! THRILLAAAA NIIIIGHTS! Yes. Despite the overwhelming bad luck it may be, we are putting out our thirteenth issue of Tea Time out on a Friday... that just so happens to be Halloween. We here at the office figured we're damned if we do, we're damned if we don't, so we'll go for it anyway! Remember kids, be safe out there tonight while trick or treating, and don't terrorize your neighbors. Scared? Should be! It's Tea Time! Creepy crawlies and goblins, IShotTheSheriff, Tatiana and Marietta Disclaimer: If you are wearing a bold or slanty suit, you WILL be the subject of many of our articles. If you don't like it, deal. It comes with the territory. Second Disclaimer: If you are alive, hell, even if you are dead, you MAY be the subject of one or many of our articles. If you don't like it please forward all hate mail to Heidi Hoels at Tea Time, c/o Marietta. Thanks! **** Here's the story of a lovely lady, Who wasn't all that lovely after all. Article by Reporter Black She homed three very lovely girls, The youngest one liked to hurl. Here's the story, of a crumbeling community. Who was busy trying to salvage their homes. They were seven cities struggling, starving and dying. Yet they cried for help, but they were all alone. One day when the lady finally realized there were other people besides her, And she knew that it was much more than a hunch. That this groupe would somehow be her victum. That's the way we all became under the rule of Marietta the Natzi! The Natzi Bunch, The Natzi Bunch. That's the way we all became part of the Natzi Bunch! Lets get some back history on Marietta first. She grew up with a dad that killed her mother and a bunch of brothers that treated her like a boy. Later on she decided that she wanted to be a seamstress, opened her own shop and it eventually fell into debt and was shot up by some crazy gangsters her dad sent after her best friend. So then her best friend convinced her to join the mafia and bam! Marietta is at the top of the business after that small little war thing. Marietta had a great start, she was active, had street presence, but she wasn't the top dog. Now that she is the top dog of this community she has put on a few pounds from laziness. Getting uglier every day is the least of her worries. Big worries would include her lack of being able to make important decisions, going back on things she vowed she'd never do and the fact that she claims to be a lover and not a hater. We've been having a housing crises for the past couple of weeks. Yes, she's told us time and time again that the small crews, two in each city were Cab_Tufting's idea and that she'd like to play it out for him. Last time I checked we were mafioso's not children all holding hands and sharing. Marietta news to you, Cab is dead, please make decisions on your own. The community obviously needs places to put it's people, you or someone needs to give us these homes. Has anyone else notice that Marietta has one person be her right hand and then five minutes later she has a different person. Marietta has supported the Tea Time writers time after time in bashing mob bosses for hyper switching out important structure positions between like seven people. Now that Marietta thinks she's on top of the world she'll put whoever is around as her right hand and make them do all the work. Marietta continues to pull of that great charming smile and seems so happy all the time. Well she isn't fooling anyone. She may tell us that she doesn't want to war anyone, but deep in her hitsquad rooms you know she's plotting with her seven other right hands. **** Where the Fuck are Captains? I'll Tell You Where, Now Stop Bitching Article by Reporter Kettle Wah wah wah. Two leaders in every city means that the current leaders can't have a captain. This certainly means that they will be losing out on having extra hitters, because lets fucking face it Mobsters, this is the only real reason leaders want one anyway. Around every corner and in every urinal the same cry is on the tongue of every bastard child who calls themselves a gangster these days: "WHERE ARE THE CAPTAINS?" Quit your bitching and I'll frigging tell you. Several weeks ago, after the war that everyone their mother, pets and mailmen died in, it was unofficially announced by the Gods of this world that they would no longer be granting our prayers and sub-letting us those additional buildings for Captains at discount pricing. So what does this mean? It means that sure, you can set up one of your friends, buy them their own offices for a family and pretend that they are an extension of your own crew, but it won't work out. Why's that? C'mon, we all know they'll rank up, stab you in the back and feel no remorse whatsoever because they were not 'officially' apart of your family to begin with. This in turn would start bitching, then the Streets would be filled with more "Wah wah wah I thought I trusted him/her/the mutt and now they've killed me and my closest and dearest friends and this must be someone else's fault because they were my not-really-even-though-we-pretended-they-were-Captain and now he/she/fuckstick has betrayed me". And we all know we could use a little less of that in the world. I am hoping that things are clicking with the mobsters now, and they understand why Captains as of now have been eliminated. You all going to stop bitching about it now? Fucking good, because we're tired of hearing about it. Just an informative piece for all of the curious out there. Not like it matters anyway, since no one out there knows how to run the captaincy properly to save their lives. Happy Halloween! **** HEIDI, YOU SPOOKY BITCH, ANSWER THIS Our Advice Columnist Answers Any And All Questions Hi zomboys and gargirls! It's Halloween apparently and, as such, I've been instructed to 'Halloween it up' a bit, whatever the fuck that means. So I suppose I'll be doing that today, just to make a certain editor happy. Today's column will probably suck, but so does making people happy. It works. Q: Heidi, Glad to see you back! Where the fuck were you last week? Don't ever leave again. - Getting Sick of Marietta A: You're sick of Marietta? Fuck sake, try working for the bi... Ehm, I mean, I was on vacation-- decaytion (ugh) on... Staba Island with Tea Time's typesetter's assistant, Rayboondo. It was fun. I want to die. ** Q: Miss Hoels! Please explain to me the history of Halloween in relation to Mobsters. Any gruesome slaughters? Are we all supposed to dress up? Thanks! EXCITED! A: Well, interestingly enough, Halloween has it's roots planted solidly in Sicily. The name itself is a severe bastardization of the Sicilian term gialoinne, which loosely translates to 'douche in a cape'. Legend has it that the tradition originated in the town of Bronte, where a caped vagabond by the name of Fabiano used to wander the countryside, occasionally stumbling through town. The locals looked down on him for lowering their property value, and would throw rocks at him, calling him a liar and a drunk, and of course, a gialoinne. But lo and behold, one day Fabiano wandered into town again, this time in the company of his sister, Goatilda. While Goatilda was, indeed, a goat, she was a very attractive goat. When the town farmers saw this, they had a change of heart towards Fabiano, inviting him into their homes for coffee and light desserts. As simple a man as he may have seemed, Fabiano was certainly not foolish enough to pass up a golden opportunity when he saw one. So it soon became a yearly occurrence that the caped vagabond - the gialoinne - would pass through town with a large flour sack, roaming house to house collecting cannoli. Each cannolo would entitle the giver to one night spent with Goatilda, no questions asked. So, do you dress up? Well, that's up to you. But never forget the deep meaning this day has for our people, and all the wisdom to be gained from it's history. All of this made possible because of a vagrant goat pimp with a sweet tooth. Never forget. ** Q: Hello Heidi: What are you dressing up as for Halloween? Describe in detail, plz. Thanks, Creepy Old Guy A: Okay, eww. Anyway, I was a bit late on the costume thing, and the stores were sold out by the time I got around to looking for one. In the late hours last night, I got a bit desperate and had to grab the only thing I could find. I will be the daily specials board from Mort's Deli on 52nd street. Stop laughing, you bitches. Toothaches and dead stuff, Heidi "Body Snatcher" Hoels **** Move over Marietta There's a new Don in town Article by Reporter Pot That's right, Marietta you're sooo yesterday. There's a new Don in town and he goes by StripheCorelli. On Thursday we all noticed Mr. Corelli reach the rank of Don. But wait? Does he even deserve his rank yet? What has he done to gain it? I mean hell, he reached Don not even 24 hours after being given authorization to run his own crew. He didn't even have crew members into the double digits yet. Come to think of it, his organization still doesn't have more than ten members. But wait! You say "look Pot, he's active in the streets, surely that must count for something around here, right?" Well, if you count two street speeches total, then yes he's active. Not to mention that one of those speeches was to announce The Corelli Crime Family in Detroit. How hard can it be to be the authoritative figure over less than ten people? I mean sure, I've heard the chants; "give him a chance." "It hasn't even been a week yet." as I've been talking to people. To be honest, I'm sure he'll do well with his family and be the fearless leader they need. That is, if he can keep himself away from the casinos. Striphe has not made it a secret that he loves to blow every chunk of change that is thrown in his direction. Afterall, the new Don is only a mere protected. I heard through the grapevine that he was paying his bodyguards a less that satisfactory wage to put their lives on the line for him so, four of them decided their lives were worth more than a man who drinks and gambles all day. They packed up their shit and got the hell out of Dodge, literally. Congratulations, StripheCorelli here's to a bright and prosperous future in good ole' Motor city. May you steer clear of the blackjack tables and slot machines long enough to keep your family protected. Pot pours out some liquor in honor of Don Corelli What the hell? Why am I wasting liquor like that? If Don Corelli can do it, so can I! **** WTF Rant by Reporter Sugar Trick or treat, mobsters and motherfuckers. I promise you a little bit of both in this week's rant. First up is the fact we've all been tricked into thinking family and loyalty are important in the mafia. All the speeches and all the words we hear about that stuff are bullshit. If you don't think so why are tiggy and Cherokee still breathing? For Christ sake, tiggy was Doyle's Right Hand Man and Cherokee was Dante_Balboni's Left Hand Man. They both left the families because the leaders did something they didn't like. What the fuck? Does that mean we can all buy out of our families every time our leader does something we don't like? Fuck family and fuck loyalty. What's more important is having friends in high places. Those of us who don't kiss ass are fucked. We're all going to be fish food like the suckers who died because they were loyal. Lions, tigers and bears. What the fuck? No, this isn't about Taskmaster's phobias. It's about another leader who isn't too bright. Shortly after moving his organized crime family to Las Vegas Doyle and two accomplices wore lion, tiger and bear costumes to rob a casino. They would have got away with it if they didn't stop to pose for photos with tourists. An animal rights group was outraged when they saw the photos. They used their influence with Nevada politicians to change the laws regarding animal apparel. The next time Doyle is caught wearing his zebra print boxers he's going to fry in the electric chair. The mafia has fifty fucking families. Where's the damn diversity? There's a rumor some of the families feel like they can't do anything because they're sharing a city with another family. What the fuck? If you're too fucking stupid to call the other leader in your city and talk to him about your ideas then you don't deserve to be a leader. What's there to share anyway? The business district? No one gives a shit about businesses. Sad, but true. What else is there to share? A policy about a city tax? Don't make me fucking laugh. No one has the balls to start a tax like leaders did in the good old days. If I was a leader I'd tax all you motherfuckers for walking, talking, breathing, eating, sleeping, shooting and making babies in my city. If you cry about it I'll punch your face and tax you for making me kick your ass. How does the poorest man on the planet get auth? I don't know. Ask StripheCorelli. On the same day Striphe set up his own family we saw two other people get new bold suits, Azuela and Gambino. Who in the hell are these people? Everyone knows Striphe because he begs for money like a crack whore. His reputation is bad, but at least he has one. Has anyone heard Dante_Balboni talk since he bought a HQ? What about Hayley? Her one public speech about street presence was hilarious. Kanagroo's only street speech was about the same topic. Who? That's right. No one remembers who in the hell he was. Why is street presence the only thing the mutes talk about? Come on, people. Get off your asses and get on the streets. You're leaders of the community as well as leaders of your families. Marietta can't run the fucking world alone. **** Hagatha's Bootpig Pen Deliverance Gunned Down Made Man has life taken, killer at-large by Hagatha Nodick It was the night before Halloween, when all through the house. Not a creature was stirring, especially not Deliverance as he had a bullet put between the eyes. The Made Man from Bi-Polar_Bear's crew was killed by an assailant who is still unknown to the public. It is one of the few times that a Witness Statement hasn't surfaced minutes after the deed was committed. The community has been left looking over their shoulder wondering if their number is the next to be called. This is not the first incident that has been a mystery to the general public however. There have been reports that bodyguards have been getting killed at an alarming rate, with the perpetrators getting away without being spotted. A reputed Boss in the Riot! was also shot at, but was unable to identify the suspect. It seems lately, in this thing of things, that the code of silence is either incredibly strong, or everyone has developed really poor eyesight. Either way, the streets have turned into a breeding ground for this violent crime spree and there doesn't appear to be an end in sight. That's all for now readers. And who am I? I'll never tell! xoxo, Hagatha "Gossip Girl" Nodick **** Seen and Heard Tea Time's Latest Famous (And Not-So-Famous) Mafiosi Sightings Dressed in their Halloween Best! Mobster from Philly, sexysmooks, dressed as a panda bear and hugging children as they left school for the day. Was chased off moments later by an angry looking school marm. MaggieG, lady from Los Angeles wearing a lovely cape, pacing back and forth in front of a vet's office. Reportedly was waiting to hear back on news about the cat she ran over. Woman from Chicago, MissFreedom, dressed as a butterfly and running down the street clutching an old lady's purse. Was slightly delayed by a stitch in her side and was heard screaming "MAN DOWN! MAN DOWN!" as she fell to the sidewalk in pain. Some random guy from Detroit, Guardian, dressed as a Mexican merchant and leading around a donkey. Pretended to be blind and wandered into a ladies' public restroom. Right Hand to the new Las Vegas leader Gambino Mitch, dressed as a leprechaun. Was seen pinching the bums of ladies in a bar before being punched in the face by a well-dressed gentleman. Epicfail, resident of New York, dressed as a police officer. Was detained on his way to a party by an old lady who wanted him to help her catch the person who stole her purse. "I'm not a real officer!" he was heard protesting. Everybody's favorite lady Briana_Arao, sole Mob Boss of Philly dressed as (what else?) a sexy sailor and passing out candy to children on the streets. Was making sure to give all their daddies 'a piece of sugar' as well. Satan, a man from Los Angeles, dressed as Jesus. Was clearly amused by his own clever costume for he could be heard introducing himself as "Satan the Savior" and snickering for several minutes thereafter. **** The Best Halloween Party Ever I wanna Rock n Roll all night and party every day. Article by Reporter Spice Every Mob Boss in America attended a spectacular Halloween party at the home of Don Marietta last night. The guests were treated to a sampling of the best food from around the world prepared by a team of chefs, the finest vino from Italy, live music of The Glenn Miller Orchestra, authentic gypsy fortune tellers, fireworks at midnight and lap dances from the Tea Time editors. The first to arrive at the party were Los Angeles leaders, Bi-Polar_Bear and Juggalo. They were dressed up as the popular Hollywood comedy team Laurel and Hardy. There's a rumor the duo financed the successful Laurel and Hardy movies along with a dozen silent porn movies. Come on, guys. People don't like to watch a gang bang unless they hear moaning and grunting. The Chicago Bosses, Fantom_Ghost and ProphetOfDeath were dressed as ghosts. Monkey see. Monkey do. Not very original, but we could say the same about Briana_Arao who was wearing her usual sailor clothes. The Philly and Chicago leaders apparently don't know Halloween is the day to be something you're not everyday. Take a hint from Taskmaster and Azuela who wore tuxedos and pretended to be gentlemen all night. StripheCorelli made a rare appearance outside his favorite casino to attend the party. He wore a crown and told everyone he was King_Cav. He wasn't the only royalty there. Hayley wore a King costume and challenged Striphe to a sword duel. Dante_Balboni was dressed as her sword. Striphe won the duel and broke Dante's nose. It's not a real Halloween party unless there's blood. Thank you for providing it, Dante. The last people to arrive at the party were Doyle and Gambino. Wearing a cowboy hat, chaps and nothing else Gambino proudly showed off the reason why women in Las Vegas call him Big D. Doyle wasn't wearing a costume, but did an impression of a famous mobster. He stood on a table outside, fired his gun in the air and yelled, "Fuck you, asshats! I hate all of you. I'm going to fuck all your women." There wasn't a dry eye in the house. It was almost as if the late great, FlyingPig was there. Later all the mafia leaders applauded when the bullet Doyle fired in the air flew down and landed in the head of a WebSpider, the quiet and mysterious Philly auth who was dressed as a mime. The only good mute leader is a dead mute leader. Rest in peace, WebSpider. **** Check your PH Balance Mob family linked to underground crew? Article by Reporter Black Now no one wants to be connected to an underground group, especially an unitelligent one. Last issue The Undead Army from Chicago was directly connected to the under ground group DevilsAngels. In the middle of last week PHantom_Ghost tried to do some damage control by coming and confining in me. The conversation quickly moved into an interview of sorts. Black: So let me get this straight, you guys hang out in the same coffee shops as this "underground" group does, but you aren't apart of it? Phantom_Ghost: Yes. Black: But you kick members of the community out of the Undead Coffee Shop hang out because members of this underground group do not like certain people? Phantom_Ghost: Well yes, but... Black: Are you sure you don't have any ties or maybe loyalties to said under ground group? I'll take your silence as a yes, you do have loyalties with this under ground group. Phantom_Ghost: That's not how it is, myself and Fantom_Ghost are only friends, Zishla, now he's a little suspicious. Zishla tells us that he has become "unbiased" to be an effective left hand. Black: How do you feel about people jumping to assumptions about Fantom_Ghost having something to do with FatalRage? Phantom_Ghost: If anyone honestly thinks that Fantom_Ghost encouraged FatalRage to go rogue then they are just silly. Black: Just silly? Nevermind, I won't even go there. So what did you expect to walk out of my office with today? Phantom_Ghost: I'm not here to change your mind, if you happen to use this in the paper, I'm not opposed to that either, but if you could not refer to my name and no direct quotes please. Oh silly Phantom_Ghost, everyone knows Tea Time doesn't play fair. Black: That doesn't really answer the question. Phantom_Ghost: I'm just refusing to give in. Unfortunately, I agree with the community. We do look guilty as shit and sometimes I have to question Fantom_Ghosts actions at times, kicking some members of the community out of our public, family hang out at the coffee shop on the corner is Fucking Stupid! The conversation was quickly wrapped up as I was getting very annoyed with Phantom_Ghost. He kept pushing the fact that he wasn't apart of the under ground group and a few days later I wasn't surprised to not hear one word from him. He had just come into my office to try to persuade me to write good things about him and his family. Phantom_Ghost was the one bashing his family members, his boss and his fellow associate Zishla, Left Hand man. I saw no need to bash them. Phantom_Ghost seemed sincere enough with his pushes that I almost believed him until my sexcretary stumbled into the office one day, very late, no coffee in his hands and a flushed face. He came straight to my desk, appologized about the coffee and told me all about how he was on his way to get coffee heard voices in a back alley, decided to listen and heard Phantom_Ghost giving orders to some gangsters that weren't in his family about secret plans. The underground groups name was dropped mutiple times during this "secret" conversation. We all know that making assumptions makes an ass out of you and me, but really do we need to make assumptions if the Undead Army is apart and helping out the underground group known as DevilsAngels. I think the facts are all right in front of us, there is no need to assume anything. **** Life and Times On-Goings in the Seven Cities Obits Cherokee: After ghosts frightened him out of his original home, he joined up with Doyle. Where werewolves attacked and he committed suicide. BadBoy: Decided to get involved with some Bad Witches who turned him into a frog and then a car ran over him. OG_Shakespear: Was telling ghost stories with friends over a camp fire when a big gust of wind sent him flying into said fire. This all resulted in burning OG alive. Webbster: Was trick or treating and went swimmin with the fishes after one nasty trick. Who we wished would have died ThomasRourke: What an annoying CUNT! Gambino: Does anyone know who this guy is? He must just be wasting air. MrFluffyMcWuffykins: His name is to long to write out. Malc_The_Alc: For sleeping with Hayley every other night Engagements Birday and Alise have announced their love to each other over some caramel flavored coffee earlier this week. The two were seen canoodling all over town. Alise even accepted Birday after he took the paper bag off his head. She's willing to be with a monster, now that is dedication. Mitch and Lylithe just got married on top of the empire state building in New York City. They are now spending their honeymoon in the Alps looking for big foot, but all they have found so far is Brianna. One could really mistake her for a bear. She needs to shave that mustache. Births King_Cav stole RonMexico's new born baby and claimed it as his own. If you ask him who the mother is he'll tell you it was Zoey who will not say anything at all about it. JohnDillanger's wife almost had a baby. She had a miscarriage in her sixth month. While on her honeymoon Lylithe had stomach cramps. They found a doctor and out popped a surprise baby. SURPRISE BABY GIRL! CONGRATS! **** Random Survey Mob Boss Interrupts Most of Your Day Article by Editor Marietta Hi. My name is Marietta and I like harassing people. Today I felt it would be fun to do a 'random survey' and actually surprise interview people in spirit of the holiday. Now Tea Time has never done an official interview before, and we sure as hell aren't going to start now. Throwing together ten random questions about Halloween, I asked over... um... twenty people to participate, I believe? Either way, not everyone responded and this made me very sad to be alive. But the people who did respond made me happy to be alive! Thank you to all of you who answered these questions, and I will list your names below. The questions themselves? Why didn't I think of that?! Here's what each mobster answered for me: What is your favorite part of Halloween? Have you ever egged anyone? Candy corn or pumpkin guts? What's better, Halloween or punching someone in the mouth? What was your favorite Christmas memory? What are you dressed as today? What's your favorite number? Are you afraid of me? Are you sure? If you could pick one person in our community to nominate as Mister or Miss Master Halloween Mobster, who would it be and why? And trust me, readers, we received a variety of answers. In fact, if you turn to the next section you will find the interview with each person we selected. A special thanks to Zishla, Eclipse, Brianna, Taskmaster, Darillicus, Guerrilla, JohnDillanger, SuperTed, RazorsEdge, lyfedep22, The_Dealer, Scarface22, Nightmare, busterman and Furio for taking the time to answer my questions. Have a safe night, everyone. Don't let the monsters get you! **** Tea Time presents... Real Mobsters of Genius (Real mobsters of geeeeniiiuuuuuus!) Today we salute you, Mr. Self-Involved Family Member. (Mr. Self-Involved Family Membaaaaah!) Family? Who needs a family. You've got you, yourself and you. Everyone else are just unnecessary. (Why don't you all go die?!?!) Your main goal is to make sure that you are living pretty. The nicest cars, the apartment with a view. You don't even know the meaning of kickbacks. (No way do I owe anyonneeeeeee!) Even in their most desperate times or that of war, loosening the purse strings is not an option- even if your Boss asks personally. (Wait, no that money is MIIIIIIIIIIIIINEEEEE!) So have yourself a nice, hot cup of tea Narcissist of New Orleans. Your selfishness gives the rest of us something to complain about again and again and again. (Mister Self-Involved Family Meeeemmmbeeerrrrrr!) **** Biggest Mob Bust In History Breaking News! Article by Reporter Sugar In case you had your head up your ass and missed the article by my twin sister Spice the idiots better known as crew leaders had a big party last night at Marietta's house. What do you call the place where all the leaders are together at one time? The perfect spot for a bomb. Unfortunately we weren't that lucky, but the next best thing happened. The FBI's mafia task force raided the party and arrested all thirteen bold motherfuckers. Shortly after midnight when there was a large display of fireworks over Marietta's house a team of one hundred FBI agents stormed into the house. The first thing they saw was Gambino and Azuela sitting on a couch watching Briana_Arao display her oral skills on a wine bottle. She deep throated the entire fucking bottle. That's talent. Briana sucked her way to the top of the mafia. She'll probably suck her way out of the twenty two charges the FBI have against her. In the kitchen The FBI found StripheCorelli, Doyle and Fantom_Ghost licking whipped cream off each other's special places. Sick bastards. Doyle resisted arrest, but Fantom_Ghost was happy when one of the FBI agents put handcuffs on him. He danced a jig and said, "Can I have a spanking too? I've been a very bad boy." No, Fantom_Ghost. You aren't going to get your rocks off until you tell the FBI everything they want to know about your criminal organization. ProphetOfDeath, Taskmaster and Hayley were found hiding under Marietta's bed. The three chicken shit leaders were scared of the big bad FBI, but Taskmaster cried the most as they were arrested. He screamed, "I want my Mommy." What a fucking disgrace. Grow up, mama's boy. Your mother is swimming with the fishes. Your father wacked her because she didn't have dinner on the table when he got home from work. She was too busy to cook because she was wiping your ass. The California queers, Juggalo and Bi-Polar_Bear asked the FBI if they can share a cell. No, boys. This isn't Los Angeles where you can have wave your rainbow flag and have your gay pride parades every weekend. Welcome to fucking Detroit where men and real men. They build cars, beat their wives and don't hold hands with each other in public. Please go back in the closet. You're making the rest of us sick with your flaming gayness. Last but not least, Marietta and Dante_Balboni were found naked together in the pool. No one was surprised by this. Marietta is such a whore she slept with all the leaders during her party. The only reason she's been alive for so long is because she has sex everyone in the mafia. I'm glad her fuck fest got busted. I hope the FBI lock her up and throw away the key so the rest of us can get some action instead of settling for her sloppy seconds. **** We're All Cooler Than You Giving Props to Cool Names that Start with 'H' Random by Reporter Kettle Always a fan of the non-sensical, I absolutely love this section because it not only allows me to fill my article quota, but gives me a chance to do so in the most underachieving crappy way. The Editors seem to love it, and the other reporters have slashed my tires and killed my dog because I've been able to get away with it for seven weeks in a row now. Oh wait, this makes eight weeks! HAHAHA! Any way, moving on. I now submit to you: The Coolest Mobsters Names Starting with the Letter 'H': * Hayley: Very feminine and very commanding all at the same time. Is there any question as to why men fall all over themselves in her presence? No. There really isn't. * Heaven: A little drop of, in fact! With a name as sweet and innocent as this, no one could ever suspect that Heaven is indeed a feared mobsters. * HelpDesk: The newest auth in Philly has a serious, informative name. Heshe makes the list easily, no contest. * Hi: Bright and cheerful and very welcoming, despite the fact that it was given to a man who is the complete opposite. No offense, Hi. * Horatio_Caine: Is this the name of a guy you fuck with? Certainly not. Back down now, peons. And that's it for now! Next week stay tuned for 'I'. Is there anyone even alive with a name that starts with 'I'? What a fucking dumb letter. **** The Results Are In! Analyzing The Data From Last Week's Surveys We asked the hard-hitting questions and YOU provided us with the answers. The twelfth compilation of results from the Mafiosi Weigh-Ins are, well, in! (Tea Time is not responsible for the responses on the surveys. We are merely the mouth-piece for those who are unable to stand up and say as they wish freely. If you have any problems with the results on the surveys, the only place you can really put your blame on is yourself. Neener neener neener.) Once again we would like to stress that these are completely anonymous surveys. We at Tea Time have no clue who wrote what on the leaflets. So feel free to spill your guts and help us get down to the nitty gritty! Last week our first question received a decent sized response! Tea Time asked our readers, "Holy crap! Two auths in every city?! What do you think- do we really need that many families?" The results are in!: after 20 votes in the span of a week it was decided, with exactly 50% of the overall votes, that Yes, the amount of crews we have setting up are necessary in this world. So it seems that half of the people inhabiting our population think this "doubling up" is quite the great idea. There were, however, the people who disagreed, and they brought up a few good points with them as well. Sticking purely to the 'yes' for now, though, with responses like "More people, more choice, bigger mess ups, more fun", how are we not supposed to jump on the bandwagon? For full responses on this question, see section 7a. Until the entire world decides it's a bad idea, two crews per city seem to be an alright idea by almost everyone! Our second question last week was a little more, well, direct. We asked our readers, "All but Las Vegas have crews inhabiting them now. Tell us, Mobsters fair, which city do you think still needs a little improvement?" The results are in!: after 18 votes in the span of a week it was decided, with a split tie of 27.8% of the votes each, that Detroit and New Orleans still need some work. Apparently mobsters felt the other cities were fine, but were really letting Detroit have it. With responses like, "I would like to see the business district in NO improved. New Orleans has always been a somewhat quiet city, and not many people visit there. We need to fix that, making the city more lively" and "Leadership" (ouch, mobsters, ouch!), it's quite easy to see why people are disenchanted with The Motor City and The Big Easy. Want to see the rest of the responses? Check out section 7b. Guess all of the cities have something to strive for, now. In the case of Detroit and New Orleans, though, these jokers better get their acts together because they were the cities voted in for needing the most improvement. Our last question was an open forum question. We at Tea Time asked: "Last night we saw rogues from a group of people who flatter themselves into thinking they are an 'underground crew'. Truth is, some people belonging to said group were rumored to be involved, but are slated innocent by a majority of the public. What do you think, mobsters? Should people be killed because of their association to an underground crew, even if they themselves have done nothing to warrant being killed?" The results are in! A small group of people, fifteen to be exact, responded to our Open Forum question this week. We received a variety of answers, stemming from "kill them all..." to more democratic advice, but needless to say they are all available for your review in section 7c. So there you have it, folks! Be sure to vote on this week's surveys, and stay tuned for more future results! **** Cougar on the Prowl Hagatha's Halloween by Hagatha Nodick After a recent divorce, Hagatha was sent on a mission to seek out and betrothe herself to a tenth Mr. Nodick. You know what they say: 3rd time's a charm, 4th time's a fluke, 5th time's an anomaly, 6th time's an amalgam, 7th time's a what the hell are you doing and why haven't you learned from your mistakes yet, 8th time's a deep sigh with a constant intake of stomach pain relievers for the acid reflux the stress has caused, 9th time's a contemplation of suicide, and finally the 10th time... 10th time's a rallying of the troops and an understanding that nothing else could possibly go wrong. After so much misfortune, I buried myself nose deep in ice cream, the smell of babies I will never have because of menopause, and scented candles. I needed to be rallied. That day came when I had a knock on the door from a Gentleman Caller named Oops. He told me to get back up on the horse from which I had so often fallen from. And just like when you puke your guts out after a long night of margaritas with the girls, I was ready to go again! I waited until October 31st to make my move... Halloween. I dressed up in cougar apparel. I had the fuck-me pumps, the cute devil's horns, and a low cut blouse to expose my massive bonkers, but pulled low enough to hide the c-section scar I was never able to get because I couldn't get any of my previous husbands to commit! I was then ready to go trick-or-treating for candy... mancandy. Don't be jealous though you hating sluts, I don't go for taken men, I'm dressed as a Devil, not a Devil's Angel. That's a baseless accusation, bad Hagatha, bad! I can't help that I'm such a whore at starting gossip! ANYHOW, back to my adventure. I started trolling around the streets looking for a hot young thing that is way too old to be trick-or-treating, but too young to know better than deny his sweet tooth. Hagatha has just the candy a young man like that would need. Sure enough, I spotted my little mafia beefcake parading around the streets in a bicep-bearing shirt and penny loafers. Oh I am a sucker for the innocent looking boys. So who is this mystery man?! Well let's just say the goggles on his ensemble popped. By this time next week I should have gotten him drunk enough to agree to a wedding to this 30-something year old, teeheehee, piece of woman. So long readers, wish me luck on my decadal relationship! **** Tea Time Gives Back To The Community Because We're Just That Damn Sweet What started as a tiny little paper publishing has turned into a full scale gossip magazine, and it's all because of you, readers! Over the course of the last week we have received an overwhelming amount of support in the form of compliments, kudos, sexual favors and most importantly, cash. Now we here at Tea Time are hardly selfish bitches, so what we made last week we want to invest back into our community. Namely, YOU, the reader! HAPPY HALLOWEEN! Since it's the holiday, we have decided that not three but five people will be the recipients of cold, hard cash! The names were put into a hat, and today we would like to congratulate the following people! The names were drawn, and the winners are: Rodney_Phatballz, Phantom_Ghost, Ashlee, RonMexico and BritneySpears! Congratulations to our twelfth handful of recipients for the Tea Time Weekly Award. 50K will be wired to each of your banks shortly! Thanks again, readers, and be sure to praise Tea Time publicly. Who knows, you may be the next cash prize winner! **** Mafiosi Weigh-In: Anonymous Surveys Tea Time Needs Your Input! We, the editors at Tea Time, have decided it's been long over-due for the population of our Seven Cities to have the chance to speak their minds freely. This is why we have come up with a solution of sorts: surveys. Every week we'll ask you for your honest, unbiased opinion on three issues. All you have to do is take the attached leaflets and fill them out completely. By the time the next issue rolls around, we'll have the results tabulated and your feedback ready for public review. Best part yet, it's all anonymous! (NOTE: Constructive answers only. Getting a little tired of being told you're gunna cut us, or we're cunts, or whatever. If you have a problem you can send us mail to Tea Time: Reporter Heidi Hoels c/o Marietta.) Here is this week's new batch of questions. Thank you for your participation, and we look forward to giving you a free forum for your thoughts! Weigh-In Twenty-Five Weigh-In Twenty-Six Open Thought Forum Thirteen **** We are gossip journalists. We will take any piece of information and embellish or twist it to suit our needs. If you are offended by anything we say, you are probably taking yourself too seriously. Any comments? Questions? Concerns or complaints? Feel free to mail any of the editors with your thoughts. If you are a female interested in guest writing for Tea Time, please contact us and we will set up an interview with you promptly. |
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Grand paper as always, however I must state that I was definitely not a ghost at the party last night. I was dressed as a pimp- as apparent by the crunk juice stains on my robes. Cheers! ProphetOfDeath stumbles into the crowd still a little tipsy from the night before. |
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| Reply by: prophetofdeath at Nov 01, '08 04:34 | |
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Nearly spills his drink and he reads the paper.. laughing at the articles about him.. some true.. some false.. most true Great edition, one of the most exciting things ive read in a while.. it made me smile and almost made everything we do and go through in this world.. worth it. Folds up a 100$ bill and makes it into an airplane.. throwing it towards the Tea Time Paper building.. to help pay rent.. and new clothes for the staff |
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| Reply by: striphecorelli at Nov 01, '08 04:37 | |
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| Lovely read, my second favourite to the tissue | |
| Reply by: bingowings at Nov 01, '08 07:18 | |
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Excellent read this week girls. I want to set the record straight about the cat episode tho. I swear to all the dons ... I thought it was a possum. That cat had the most evil grin I ever saw. |
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| Reply by: maggieg at Nov 01, '08 07:27 | |
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| A hilarious read as always! | |
| Reply by: brianna at Nov 01, '08 07:28 | |
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| Always a great read and funny. Can't wait for the next one. | |
| Reply by: krazy at Nov 01, '08 08:22 | |
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| Excellent work ladies. Can't wait to see the next paper. :) | |
| Reply by: zishla at Nov 01, '08 09:45 | |
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| As usual a great paper. I can't wait until the next one. | |
| Reply by: pizza_guy at Nov 01, '08 12:39 | |
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I almost read the full issue! Then I came across the part of me being a feared mobster! Ha! Bats her eyelashes |
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| Reply by: heaven at Nov 01, '08 13:04 | |
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Dear Tea Time editors and reporters: After reading your latest-- and greatest-- issue, I would like to sincerely thank you for not divulging that I was also holding the wine bottle. You protected my reputation and saved me a lot of embarrassment and ridicule. I would also like to thank you in advance for not publishing this letter. Yours Truly, Gambino |
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| Reply by: gambino at Nov 01, '08 13:24 | |
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I once again enjoyed the issue Love the halloween theme |
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| Reply by: shaggs at Nov 01, '08 13:26 | |
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Great read once again. Great work :) |
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| Reply by: saulsilver at Nov 01, '08 13:28 | |
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Fantastic read once again, made me laugh in all the right places. As for you sugar, since your so eager to hear me speak, I'll run along now and dedicate a speech just to that. |
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| Reply by: dante_balboni at Nov 01, '08 15:30 | |
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| Im only borrowing the baby and yes me and Zoey are one, although she heavily denies it. | |
| Reply by: king_cav at Nov 01, '08 15:57 | |
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| Once again an excellent read ladies, I hope The Sugar factory can keep up with this level of excellence. Always enjoyable. Now to pilfer ideas! I grab my copy and head down to a nearby bar to extract some ideas. | |
| Reply by: birday at Nov 01, '08 16:06 | |
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Good job reporting on issues five weeks after the subject matter doesn't mean anything. Crack job. Or is it crackhead? or handjob? Doesn't really matter. |
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| Reply by: phantom_ghost at Nov 01, '08 16:26 | |
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Phantom_Ghost, have you read any of the disclaimers throughout the publication? I think you may want to give that a try before getting your panties all in a bunch. Oh my God, you don't wear "panties". False publication? Forgive me of my falsification that you wear panties instead of briefs. |
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| Reply by: tatiana at Nov 01, '08 17:03 | |
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| Gotta love when people use "disclaimers" as an excuse to say whatever they want, about subject they know nothing about... | |
| Reply by: Phantom_Goat at Nov 01, '08 19:33 | |
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Well, yes, that would pretty well define a gossip tabloid. My compliments to the 'Word of the Day' people. |
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| Reply by: RonMexico at Nov 01, '08 19:44 | |
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