CHICAGO UNION-TRIBUNE

Thursday, July 4, 2013

Publisher: Ariadne                                             Issue 8

From the editor and staff at the Chicago Union Tribune, Happy 4^th of July!  Here’s to parties, cook-outs, awesome potato salad and watching fireworks light up the night sky. 

The Tyrant Pickles Re-education Resort

Yes, your favorite tyrant has opened a re-education “resort” (if you like the kind of resorts with orange jumpsuits and bars on the windows.  And having to use gritty soap and share a shower with a bunch of others.  Okay so maybe that’s your thing.)  First off, I don’t know of any resorts with a curfew but this one has it.  You can view the other rules here.   The Tribune has concerns over the validity of the various denizens working at this resort so we will keep you posted once our on-site reporter checks in. 

Queens War and Musings by the Editor

This war brought some vocal individuals to the streets, with varied opinions as to what might have started the whole mess. It brought up another vocal debate in the streets.  When a family head is taken down, should their members that have made their bones be taken down as well?  While respect is an important thing, at the end of the day we are in a brutal lifestyle. 

We aren’t holding hands here; it’s a bloody business we run and while we can be nice and respectful all day long, there’s always going to be that one person that takes something the wrong way and blows it out of proportion, whether accidentally or by design.

While Mafiosi are, by their very nature, very opinionated individuals, when it comes to their families, they should be more like military members working for a president.  Whether they like the orders or not, they are orders from the top; that means if you are ordered to take the shot, you take the shot.   If you don’t like the orders, if you don’t agree, and your boss isn’t listening, maybe you’re in the wrong place.

HOROSCOPES
 

Aries:  Feeling a bit of angst?  You’re being tormented by an important decision today, Aries.  The bad news is your going to vacillate from one side to the other and asking advice from others may put you in a quandary.  Remember only YOU can decide your path, and the good news is once you make up your mind, you’ll feel better about yourself.

Taurus:  You’re hesitating today too, Taurus, and you aren’t quite sure why.  I guess you and Aries have been hanging together, eh? You are having a hard time choosing a path and sticking to it.  Keep in mind that your path may incorporate many different side paths; it’s one of your many gifts.

Gemini:  Get your ass in gear, Gemini!  Your communication skills are ramping up, showing you can get ahead through strong, clear requests of those around you.  Ask for what you want.  Keep your nose clean karmically speaking, because things may be tense.  Don’t be mean or use your words to harm.  Otherwise believe me, it WILL come back to bite you.

Cancer:    You look befuddled, Cancer.  You’re having a hard time sticking to one subject and your attention may jump from one thing to another.  It’s not necessarily a bad thing though, as seeing all sides of the story is a good thing.  Take the opportunity to put yourself in someone else’s shoes so you know how to deal with them in the future.

Leo:  Wow, a week of pairs.  You’re just as spaced out as Cancer today Leo.  You’re having a hard time keeping things neat and organized today.  Imagine a room full of feathers, now imagine a windstorm in the same place.  What do you do? Get paperweights.  Give up on organizing the feathers today and deal with them another time; today’s just a lazy day not designed for sorting them.

Virgo:  You, unlike Cancer and Leo, are focused today.  Your expansive, outwardly directed plans are moving at full force, even if every once in a while self doubt slows things down a bit.  Today you may have a bit of insecurity hampering your progress.  Consider all of your options and trust your instincts.

Libra:  Calm as still water you are today.  It’s like you’re merging  with the energies around you today.  Beware of indecision today though Libra.  When it comes to taking action on something and you aren’t sure which way to go, hold off.  Make that big move some other day; today isn’t the day to waffle between two paths.

Scorpio:  This is a tense week coming up for you Scorpio.  You’re caught and feel like you’re being poked with a cattle prod down one of those chutes.  Go with the prevailing energies though; fighting those flows is going to make things just that much harder.  Check in with your instinct.  Are you doing what you want with your life?  Just because you’re going with your instincts doesn’t mean you’re a cow in one of those chutes; the forces around you are telling you to focus on the you within.

Sagittarius:  Okay you know that little thug you’re arguing with? Stop it.  You’re verbally wrestling with someone today who is so full of hot air they’re levitating.  They may not have their facts straight.  Don’t lose your composure though; you’re better than this.  Stick to what you know as the truth and have confidence in that decision.

Capricorn:  Remember today that opinions are like butt cracks. We all have them and, sometimes, they stink.  Keep in mind that not everyone wants your advice.  You want to dive into a situation and resolve it but resist that temptation.  Sometimes, people need someone that will just listen. 

Aquarius:  You made an assumption recently; today it may backfire on you in some way.  Rectify the situation by being honest with yourself and everyone around you.  It’s the only way to efficiently deal with the difficult situation. Your mood is at a peak today but the mood is slightly off due to indecision on your part.  Don’t let it get you down. 

Pisces:  Nothing feels like it fits today, Pisces.  You’re faced with many different roads, not sure which one to take.  While all the choices seem reasonable, you feel like might miss out on something great no matter which path you choose.  Trust yourself though and go for instinct.  Pick the chocolate sundae today.  Vanilla is too…vanilla for you, even if it has sprinkles.

Recipe of the week

Well guys and dolls, it’s been a busy day in the kitchen over at the Tribune and this turned out to be a big hit.  Served as a side or smothering your favorite burger, try out this blue cheese coleslaw recipe.  If you don’t like bleu cheese, you can also substitute ranch dressing instead.

Ariadne’s Awesome Bleu Cheese Slaw

2 lemons

3/4cup bleu cheese dressing

1/2 teaspoon(s) black pepper

1/4 teaspoon(s) poppy seeds

1 head(s) (large) green cabbage, about 3 lbs., thinly sliced, tough ribs discarded, 12 cups

4 whole(s) carrots, peeled and shredded

From lemons grate a tsp of zest and squeeze ¼ cup juice.  With a wire whisk, mix lemon, zest, dressing, black pepper and poppy seeds. Add cabbage and carrots to dressing in bowl, toss to coat.  Serve at room temperature or cover and refrigerate for up to 4 hours. 

CLASSIFIED ADS

Does Incessant Rank and Gun Whoring Wear You Out? Comme Ci, Comme Ça Café Has Got You Covered!

 (Notice: We do NOT serve grits or sandwiches, contrary to recent claims.)

Located in Chicago, Comme Ci, Comme Ça is your one-stop shop for all your gourmet, caffeinated needs.  Take a break and recharge your batteries from your crewleader's shitty, thinly-veiled fundraisers disguised as competitions and the non-stop, all-worrying fear of total war with one of our many varieties of espresso and custom beverages that can accommodate any mood that this way of life throws at you! 

When life beats you down, let the Hayes Clinic fix you up!

Located in New York, The Hayes Medical Clinic offers quality medical care under the most discreet circumstances.  Hospitals ask too many questions, but the only business we're into is patching you up when things get rough.  Moira Hayes has been practicing medicine for 10 years, and the clinic is equipped to handle anything.  No appointment necessary- walk-ins are always welcome!

After-hours or emergency house calls are available by appointment only; please call Moira_Hayes for more information.

Cassadaga Cash Loans
A Chicago Service

Need cash today to pay for your hired help?

Need some money to bribe that pesky FBN agent?

Need money. PERIOD?

Welcome to Cassada Cash Loans. I, Cassadaga, am willing to provide my financial services to you at a low interest rate. This is not to simply make money off my fellow criminals but to provide a convenient service to you and allow business to operate as usual with no interruptions. I have low interest rates and depending on your "credit" possibly little to no interest. We have decreased rates for quick payback.

The interest on the loan goes by the following:

• Rank in your family
• Time on these shores
• Reputation
• Amount of loan
• Length of time need to payback in full

We also provide installment plans as well as credit loans. 
Do not be discouraged by the list of factors. A gangster with a day in can be provided with money because...

WE ACCEPT CO-SIGNERS AS WELL!

You can have a man of honor co-sign for your name and allow you to be presented with a lower interest and higher amount of funds made available.

If interested, come into my shop and have a word with me.


NOW HIRING AS WELL.

This is a Chicago service only. 
Available to members of Chicago families exclusively.

Want to carry my services to other cities? 
Talk to me. I love business partners.

As always, if you have an ad you would like printed in the next newspaper, feel free to forward it to the Union Tribune, care of Ariadne.

Alucard gives his local paper boy a dime, and requests the latest issue of Chicago Union Tribune. Reading it front to back with his morning joe, as he always does on the way to his office on 18th street on the south side of Chicago. He is always drawn to the horoscopes. He was not a particularly superstitious man like some, but he couldn't help but read them, somehow relating them to his daily activities and struggles. Smiling to him self after reading the Scorpio section.

"Somehow you are spot on again Ariadne! Overall a lovely read indeed."

Ahh good always look forward to reading this in the morning a fine job as always Ariadne :)

vectre gives the paperboy a dime and starts reading the paper after a few mins and puts the paper away and continues walking while whistling a tune and thinks to himself "good issue as always keeps me coming back to chicago to buy an issue" 

Awesome read! Thank you so much for your hard work!

Cassadaga is dead. I am her daughter.. contact me =)

Out in Chicago on a little job Izzy leaves out his hotel for his morning walk when he hears a young lad screaming his little head off about some Chicago Tribune. Tracking down the squeals of the young lad he manages to locate the corner he was on. Grabing a paper he flick the young one a Quarter in reply the kid yells

"Thank you Mr!"

Izzy thumbs over the paper reading over each article he is delighted with the paper and tucks it under his arm for later reading. Heading off he hears the young lad begin to scream out once more.

ChaosSpike grabbed the latest print of the Chicago union. He lit a cigar and sat on the nearest street bench. He relaxed and flipped through the paper reading it. 

"I must say I always enjoy a new paper when I see one. I really look forward to the next one. Alucard said it best for me as well , the horoscopes always grab my eye the most for some reason. It always surprises me how accurate they usually are!"

ChaosSpike folded the paper up and shoved it in his pocket, then made his way to his restaurant.

BrickTop wakes up in his apartment, dizzy head, eyes cant focus... must have been a heavy night. He walks to the door to collect the moirning newspaper.. but wait.. 5 newspapers... FIVE??? how long was i out.... reading the dates of the newspapers, july 9th. 8th... 7, 6, 5... oh... July 4th. Now he remembers, 4th July celebrations... yeah thats why he has been out cold so long. he must have had a really good time, enough to warrant 4 days sleep.

Making himself a coffee he picks up the 8th issue of the Chicago Union-Tribune, he may as well start with the earliest newspaper. he always flicks straight to the horoscopes section before the rest.

"Calm as still water you are today." BrickTop reads his horoscope and laughs loudly "HAHAH" so loud it makes his head worse. "Sure was not a calm day, especially if i don't remember it"... "When it comes to taking action on something and you aren’t sure which way to go, hold off," BrickTop laughs again "perhaps i should have held off the drugs and booze on the 4th".

Reading below the horoscopes, urgh, food, Brick does not feel like eating. "Ariadne’s Awesome Bleu Cheese Slaw", the name does not sound nice, thinking about it BrickTops stomach turns, He best go lie down and continue enjoying the newspaper at a later time, he loves the newspaper, he doesn't want to be sick on it so he cant read it.

Cantona sighed and leant on a lampost, breaths coming in shallow and ragged bursts as he wiped the sweat from his brow as he did so. He could see the Fort Hubcaps HQ at the end of the street, but he didn't know if he'd make it. The lactic acid build up in this thighs was torturous and the hot midday sun beating down and reflecting of the glimmering water of the Chicago was not helping either.

It wasn't this hard to travel the streets in Detroit, Philadelphia of even New York; but these days the streets of Chicago were almost impossible to navigate with the abundance of high-quality newspapers in the city. Almost every street was strewn with the latest issues of The Long Island Enquirer, The Chicago-Union Tribune, The Tabloid News and The Bloody Tissue. At some points they were almost waist deep and the only way to travel was to wade through them - an extremely arduous task in the relentless midwestern summer. Bending down to pick up the latest Tribune, he read it with satisfaction as he fought to get his breathing under control.

"Another fine issue indeed, there will certainly be some competition this week I think!"

Folding the paper under his arm, Cantona steeled himself before continuing on his arduous trek back to the HQ.